<p>My son (a really great, normal, average kid) is now on probation for drinking and academics. Got A's and B's in high school without bringing a book home. Never in trouble. Great football and baseball athlete who worked hard during and off season. Going in at 5 in the morning for conditioning and weights. I am heartbroken. Everyone says cut him some slack. First quarter, freshmen year he has alot to adjust too. He's pretty upset at himself too. Stayed up playing video games and then didn't get up for class. Actually drank a little too much and was sick in the dorm bathroom and got told on. Honestly a great kid. Can he come back from this? Anyone been in this situation or know of someone like this? I told him he's got next quarter to prove he's serious about school or it's back home to a community college. I know he can do this but am worried too! He's almost 19. Will he realize how important his decisions are now?</p>
<p>Has he awakened to find a glitter rock party in his dorm room at 3am in the morning with a bunch of truly odd (not to mention unknown) people? Has he misplaced his vehicle for weeks on end ? Has he done it twice? Does he have some vague memories of being stopped by the police? Has he worked his way through two girlfriends and his life savings? If the answer to one or more of these questions is no, then he can make it back. You can trust me on this one. ;)</p>
<p>He can certainly recover from this, and it is NOT unusual. I have a co-worker whose daughter is in the same boat at a university in Ohio which bears the same name as city in Florida. She got busted by her RA after coming home drunk from a frat party. The problem is- she might get kicked out of a program and lose her scholarship. She is a good kid, but has also mismanaged her money. She is being read the riot act at home as we speak, and is waiting to hear from the university about the consequences.<br>
Another friend of mine has a son who was just suspended as a JUNIOR from his college and will not be permitted to attend spring semester. He had a series of alcohol violations (he is over 21) and needs to do some treatment at home.
I can really sympathize, but give your son some time. I went through all this in the early high school years with my kid, but there is a real learning process to living on one's own.</p>
<p>I'd cut slack for now. A kid who "never brought a book home" in high school is likely to have a hard adjustment to college academics and learning how to balance social life with academics. You also mentioned that he was a two sport athlete - is he playing in college? If not, a lot of kids have a hard time adjusting to the free time and absence of the structure of sports when they get to college. Add on top of that that he's upset too ... for now I'd count the first semester as a life lesson. I like curmudgeon's test too.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon, you are a hoot! I will really miss the musings of people like you when I finally withdraw from my CC addiction.</p>
<p>Taxguy, I wouldn't be so sure I could leave if I was you. It's not that easy a thing to do.</p>
<p>pb&j:</p>
<p>Like others, I'll echo that he can come back. It will be easier for him, though, if he sets up a routine and sticks to it. If he was able to get up at 5 a.m. to lift, then he'll be able to set a study schedule and stick with it. You might be surprised how much putting this in writing can help. It's good intentions codified.</p>
<p>if your kid is having adjustment issues due to no longer being a BMOC--big man on campus, I'd suggest a little professional help might work. It also depends on how long these issues continue. Keep a close eye on this.</p>
<p>I went to hs with a bigtime athlete who couldn't adjust and the end wasn't good at all. He needed help, didn't get it and wound up doing himself in.</p>
<p>pb&j,</p>
<p>That is disappointing, but you are not alone. Lots of parents are in the same boat. </p>
<p>I have two very good friends whose kids are on "warning" at the moment. Both bombed their entire freshman year (including partying, disciplinary actions, and poor grades) and were sent back sophomore year with strict expectations for first semester. </p>
<p>I have no idea how they are doing - or if the parents will follow through with their threats. For their sakes I really hope they straighten out. We always talk about how dumb it is for kids to choose the tough road (working and community college) vs. the easy road (parents footing the bill).</p>
<p>But I do think kids need to have a pretty clear idea of what you're paying for. I personally could not stomach the thought that I was shelling out big bucks for a kid who was just goofing off (or worse). But my kids thoroughly believe that too.</p>
<p>Let me give a slightly different view. Yes, your kid can come back. However, would you or he want him to?</p>
<p>If he stays, his overall GPA won't be that good. If he leaves school and goes elsewhere, his freshmen GPA won't be used in the overall GPA calculation.</p>
<p>This only becomes important if he wants to attend either graduate school or professional school. </p>
<p>Just something to think about.</p>
<p>I needed to hear this from other parents, thank you. No he's not playing sports in college. Could have very easily in a D2 or 3 school but wanted to try at the D1 level. He's been active playing intramurals (sp?). Says he's not bringing the PS2 back to school. He's working now during Christmas break. Finding out what it's like having a job from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. Told him when he goes back, college has to become a job. It's not high school anymore. Wasn't a big man on campus. We've instilled in him how sports are great to excell at but not life. Like I said, he's really a great kid, but I just never expected this (don't think he did either) and was hoping all of you could let me know what experiences and advice you can send my way. I love the comical and serious ones. Just pretty down today. You know it's his future. I know how important it is.......hoping this wakes him up to it also.</p>
<p>Sounds like a fairly common maturity issue and the test of whether he is mature-enough to recover from this is how seriously he takes the need to do something different right away. Setting limits on what you will support financially after a fair trial of another quarter makes sense. Does he demonstrate some appropriate regret? There is a useful healthy sense of guilt/shame/conscience that he needs to have operational in order to make some changes in his behavior. If that's operational, and your limits are clear, then I would just assert your confidence that he will turn it around. I'm not sure what "cutting him some slack' means (in the OP)--but I don't think a culturally supported "boys will be boys attitude" about college life is all that healthy. He doesn't need to suffer with remorse, but he does need to step up to the line. I think lots of kids (maybe especially if sports have completely organized their free time through high school) have never learned how to set limits for themselves or plan their time--and college seems like one wonderful release from a training regime. LOTS of kids have tough first quarters and recover just fine so it is early yet, unless overall maturity is a problem and then time off to grow up usually makes sense.</p>
<p>Not taking the PS2 back is a great idea. We had a no TV/no video games rule, esp for S. Some people can handle them, some can not. His best friend was put on probation, lost his merit scholarship. His parents made him live at home and commute, which probably made it worse because he was cut off from academic life. He's not in school now, working in CVS, very frustrating to all! I agree not to come down too hard, while at the same time making expectations clear and helping him think about concrete strategies--writing things down, making schedules, brainstorming ahead of time how to handle potentially dangerous scenarios, etc-- for operating differently next semester.</p>
<p>Good luck and best wishes!</p>
<p>Any chance he can be moved to substance free housing where he could hang with kids who are able to have a fun time without the peer pressure of drinking? This has worked out great for my son - he doesn't feel like an oddball for not partying every weekend and there's always a group to go out with to do other things. </p>
<p>Your son will probably do much better next semester - it can be a tough adjustment especially for those kids that never really had to learn how to study. Suddenly needing to and not having those skills (along with time management) can be a challenge that usually needs a wake-up call before it becomes a priority.</p>
<p>It sounds like he has your support and even though he may not admit it, that's probably more important to him than everything else . Good luck!</p>
<p>Yes, he can recover. Your recovery on the other hand will be much harder. I have been down the path you're on (not the grades part but the great kid caught with alcohol part). In my experience, the kid recovers and moves on much faster and easier than the parents. They are a resilient bunch. For the parents it is very hard to see them in the same light as you once did, very hard to trust again. Part of you will always wonder if he's telling the truth about what he's not doing and the other part of you will be sad that you're feeling this way about your own kid. Keep reminding yourself that everyone makes mistakes and continued condemnation will not do any good. Look toward the future. Talk about his plans and goals and what he needs to do to get there. Support him but make sure he knows that it's his life he's playing with and you will not swoop in to the rescue if things continue to go awry. We have to hope they learn from these boneheaded decisions. I know many from our town who have had this same trouble and are doing OK now. Keep your chin up, pb&j. You'll all get through it.</p>
<p>As for substance free housing, my S was in that freshman year and said practically every guy on the floor got caught with alcohol at some point during the year. If they want it, they are gonna find a way to get it.</p>
<p>"I told him he's got next quarter to prove he's serious about school or it's back home to a community college."</p>
<p>Sounds like a good plan to me. Make sure you agree in advance about what it means to be "serious about school." 3.0? 3.5? No disciplinary violations?</p>
<p>PB&J, </p>
<p>take it from me, it can be fixed. I trudged through a sub 2.0 gpa first quarter at OSU and ended up as a grad student at Cornell 5 years later. BTW, it was a 5 yr BEng program at OSU in those days. My downfall was an 8am Calc 1 course where I clocked a D. I never made that scheduling faux pas again.</p>
<p>I'm going to throw another option on the table. Not saying that I would ultimately force this option, but I would sit down for a serious family talk about whether it makes sense to even go back to college next semester. Or, take a one year leave of absence. Get a job, an apartment, car insurance bills, and let the kid party and play video games on his own dime.</p>
<p>In retrospect, college is so much more rewarding when you WANT to be there, WANT to be engaged in the classes (let alone showing up for them), etc. Otherwise, it's just a waste of money.</p>
<p>I'm not sure that it's the best thing for parents to pay for college when the kid doesn't really appreciate the opportunity. Having a discussion about maybe college makes more sense when he is ready down the road could bring some things into focus, which in turn might solve the problem.</p>
<p>Just a thought.</p>
<p>All of you have helped me feel much better. One day I sat down to post this and thought "no". Just kept thinking of this constantly. I'm so glad I decided to come back and get your thoughts. Packmom, you so right. He's always learned from his "bonehead" decisions and I hope he does here. Originaloog, uh...oh.....he's got two 8 a.m. classes this next quarter. I'm going to discuss that with him. You know, how could he get up at 5:00 M-F for football and then got to school and then go to football/baseball afterwards and not make it to a 8 or 9:00 class. I would think that would be a piece of cake? InterestedDad......we had to get the loan for college but he knows he's paying at the very least half. He made the decision on this college when others could have been a bit cheaper so he knows he's coming out (I hope, finishing!!) with a big loan to deal with. He does show remorse and embarrasement. Wow....first time in his school years I couldn't post the report card on the fridge!! Again....THANK YOU ALL so much. I'm feeling much better today. Another question.....after one more serious talk again before he goes back, do I keep harping on him, do I mention every now and then how he's doing, or do I just sit back and see if he's going to take charge of his life?</p>
<p>pb&j, what does your son want to do? I see a lot of what you want him to to in this thread, but not a lot of what he wants to do.</p>
<p>I don't like the loans. That's a wild card to me. He should get his act together or go to a community college (or do something else) for a time. Usually you can do that and then go back to the original school.</p>
<p>He definitely can turn it around.</p>