<p>My college freshman is blowing it. He's not doing his work, he's partying, is on academic probation and now can't play his sport. We know he's drinking and driving. </p>
<p>He's raised better, knows better, and I am at a complete loss of what to do. We're taking his car back tomorrow in hopes he wont kill himself or someone else. He's been to therapy, and in a juvi diversion program aftter his first arrest for pot. </p>
<p>Not sure what to do now. Thoughts?</p>
<p>Take him out of college, tell him he can go back in 2 years if he shows maturity at the local CC which he will be attending.</p>
<p>Absolutely take the car, because other peoples’ lives are at risk. Give him one more chance to demonstrate maturity with the clearly communicated consequence of pulling the plug if he cannot. Have him sign the FERPA waiver so that the school can communicate with you.</p>
<p>Communicate your love, but not your acceptance of the behaviors.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear of anybody running aground.</p>
<p>You will get better answers on the Parent’s Forum. I agree with the above posters. No car, no college funding, must come home, find job, perhaps volunteer coach his sport, and try to turn things around.</p>
<p>I agree with UT84321. The car must go, the FERPA must be signed and a clear understanding of what is expected of him must be communicated. I would insist that he see a couselor at his school, given his previous issues. I would also severely limit his available cash. But, I would not pull the plug just yet. Give him the opportunity to turn things around, it will be a huge life lesson for him whether he succeeds or fails. I would give him this semester to get his act together, with the understanding that he is home for good if he does not. Going to college, playing a varsity sport and being responsible for completely responsible for yourself for the first time is huge, some young men are just not up to the task right out of the gate. There is peer pressure the likes they have never experienced before and combined with the stress of this whole new world, lots of them fall down. I say give him a chance to prove himself, but be prepared for what must happen if he doesn’t.</p>
<p>Thank you. All good thoughts. We have worked very hard at parenting this child and putting him on a successful path. I was struggling with getting past the disappointment and seeing the solutions. I appreciate your input. </p>
<p>Mom of a knucklhead boy</p>
<p>I’m guessing that it’s not HIS car, but YOUR car that he’s using. Or, at least, that you’ve co-signed for and paying insurance. I assume that you are also paying, at least in part, for the college. Above answers all on target. So, let me add:</p>
<ol>
<li> A reasoned explanation of “trust” and “investment” is needed. You have enjoyed raising him and being his chauffeur for school and sporting events. You trusted that your investment would be returned. It clearly hasn’t; it’s been abused. In milliseconds, he has destroyed 18 years of excellence. It’s back to GO.</li>
<li> Trust is like virginity. It’s either zero or 100%. Once lost, it’s never fully regained. But you believe in redemption, and are willing to help. But he must earn it. Tell him that he’s punished himself enough, and what you’re doing isn’t punishment, it’s redemption.</li>
<li> Give him some homework: Prepare a spreadsheet listing the monthly cost of housing in your area (Board of Realtors website), food costs, cleaning supply costs, utilities, car payment, car insurance costs, medical insurance costs, TV/computer/cell phone costs. These are Mandated Costs. Add in entertainment expenses, gifts, etc. for Optional Costs. Be sure to have him do this with the assumption that he’s on his own; you WILL NOT put him on your plans. Total the costs, so that he can observe his personal Break-Even. It will blow his mind. I’m guessing that it’s probably $40K/year.</li>
<li> Drive him to a Temp Service. Absolutely DO NOT go in with him or schedule his appointment. I recommend Labor Ready to start. They open very early, assign and pay daily, and often provide transport to worksites. Their assignments are almost exclusively non-skilled labor, which is exactly the type of life he will look forward to unless he does a 180. Let him know, for application purposes, that you MIGHT provide him access to a vehicle when necessary for employment. Let him also know that a single little pot conviction ("“nolo contendre” or “no contest” is a guilty conviction, by the way) might screen him out of an $8.00/hour unskilled labor temp job. So it’s important that he’s up-front with the recruiter and acts sincerely remorseful. As in, “I went to school, got good grades, was a sports star, have great parents, went to college. But I MESSED UP, and took it all for granted. So, Mr. Recruiter, can you help me redeem myself?”. Have him prepared for some rejection. Listen to him carefully. If he bad-mouths the recruiter for not helping him, it’s not the recruiter’s problem, it’s HIS. State this matter-of-factly, not judgmentally. By no means agree with your son on this one, but don’t hammer him, either. If the recruiter agrees to help him, congratulate the boy, and let him know that he’s now required to keep his promises, and return the recruiter’s trust.</li>
<li> After he’s working, it’s inevitable for him to come home griping about the “management”. It’s a young guy’s thing to do. Remind him that he had a shot at management and blew it. “Don’t you think you have more on the ball than most of the guys you worked with or for, son?” If he looks you square in the eye and says “Hell, yeah!” He’s on his way back. “Well, son, you just gotta do it now,” you reply.</li>
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<p>Again, the theme is Redemption, not punishment, and constantly remind him of that. It’s Marketing. He had a Good Brand and squandered it. He’s now gotta Rebrand. And you and Dad, while eager to help, also have a need to protect Your Own Brands, and insist that they will not allow anyone, not even their son, squander the goodwill that you have worked to build in your Brand.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>First of all if he really is drinking and driving, he is putting others in danger. Also you better take that car away fast because he will get caught by the police, and if that happens the institution he is attending will likely kick him out. Then he faces jail time and fines and won’t get many jobs because of his arrest record. I am stunned that he has not been kicked out for drug possession. You need to communicate to him that he has a very rare opportunity which is attending college and he is throwing it all way by being a as you said knucklehead.</p>