<p>We have avoided telling my husband's parents that our son is auditioning for college MT programs because of their extreme disapproval. Generally, my husband is very close to his parents, especially since we live in the same town, and my children grew up spending a great deal of time with them. They have let us know in no uncertain terms that they don't want their grandson doing "that." They are convinced he will spend his life waiting tables, get hooked on drugs and won't be able to support himself.</p>
<p>Speaking to me my mother-in-law said yesterday: "We don't want him to be like your sister. We all know how that turned out." My sister pursued a bachelor's in voice and master's in MT. After working some for a number of years, she began to struggle financially and finally accepted a 'real' job a couple of years ago, makes about $60,000 a year, and continues to audition when she can.</p>
<p>Every time we see them now they ask about college, but we just answer vaguely or try to change the subject. Eventually we are going to have to fess up, especially if he gets into a program. Any suggestions on how to handle this without totally alienating my husband's family?</p>
<p>Georgia, I am sorry to hear that this is happening in your family, but it seems clear that your in-laws are not so much <em>disapproving</em> of your son’s chosen college major as they are <em>worried</em> about him and his ability to support himself and maybe a family someday. This attitude, I would guess, comes out of their affection for him. Perhaps if you guys can focus on that (that most of this comes out of their love for him), then it will be easier to gently and firmly respond (whenever they say something) such as “You know, Mom and Dad, we really appreciate your concern about Son and know it’s because you love him so much and care about him, and you know how tough it can be to earn a living in this world. But we’ve thought long and hard about this, and we believe he can do it. We also know that the training and education he will get in a good college program will qualify him not only to be an actor, but for a lot of other fields – communications, sales, teaching, and so on – as well. We hope he can count on your support, because he loves you both so much.” In other words, something that affirms for them that you <em>hear</em> what they are saying (we all know that people – especially grandparents/in-laws! – do NOT like being ignored!) but that also makes it clear that you support your son and hope that they will, too. Good luck!</p>
<p>I completely agree with NotMamaRose’s post, it was very insightful. But I would just like to add that you should probably tell them sooner than later, on top of everything they (your in laws) will be more hurt that you’ve kept this important development in their grandson’s life secret. And the truth is–what are you going to do, say “I’ll pay for college but only if I get to approve the major?” Hopefully even your in laws would see the futility in that. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Thanks, NotMamaRose. Your response did make me feel better about breaking the news, when we decide to. Yes, they are concerned because they love him (and their other grandchildren) so much, and I need to remember that. We will also have to get them to understand that it is his path to choose. Thankfully my own mom (and his other grandmother) is a bit more understanding, since my sister did choose that path.</p>
<p>I really think NMR has the right approach. As she said above that a degree in MT is still a degree. How many kids have degrees in things like history, 17th century literature, or French and are working in all kinds of jobs, not related to their majors, happens all of the time. Besides, performing type degrees can be very valued in business, these people tend to be out going and give great presentations! My S went to a seminar given by a casting director for Disney Broadway and he also had taught at NYU (I think Tish) and he told us that they were approached quite often by varioius industries about helping their people learn to present themselves and their products/services better. Maybe pointing this out to the GPs might help them to see more “value” in this kid of education. And don’t forget that teaching is a great back up career choice for people with performing degrees.</p>
<p>I hope they love him enough not to express their feelings to him - and the comment about your sister was completely out of line. You’re a better person that I to hold your tongue on that one. The fact that they brought her up in such a way suggests to me that the comments are not just from a place of love and worry - a little controlling perhaps? At some point, if they don’t figure out how to really show love and support, then something along the line of “it’s not about you” may be appropriate.</p>
<p>Georgia, this whole discussion resonated with me because I went through something similar with some relatives back when my husband and I decided that we were going to adopt our second child, rather than have another, um, homemade one! We were very excited, and so were completely taken aback when a very close relative was, well, almost rude in her objections to the idea. Her reaction frankly disappointed me and yes, hurt my feelings. I wanted to argue with her and lay out all the reasons that it was a good decision. Instead, I bit my tongue and bided my time. (And anyone who knows me can tell you that’s unusual!) I was in my workplace office the next day and mentioned this situation to a friend. She looked at me and said “You know what? I think this is an issue of ‘passenger comfort.’ In other words, your relative isn’t comfortable with the idea of adoption because she is probably worried about the health of the baby, you traveling overseas, and stuff like that. But it’s coming through as being insensitive and judgmental when maybe it’s not. Think about how to make her comfortable as she goes along for this ride.” I went back to my relative and we talked about these things, and you know what? She ended up absolutely falling in love with my daughter and being a huge advocate of international adoption! My friend’s advice – to try to really hear what the other person is saying – was right on the money.</p>
<p>It may not help, but perhaps you can use the fact that your sister who does have a degree in Music now has a “stable” job where she makes $60,000 per year. A degree is a degree. College is about job training, yes… but also about expanding horizons and pursuing passions. I know people with BFA degrees in Musical Theatre and Acting who have gone on to medical school, law school, business school… etc… </p>
<p>I understand what you’re going through. My parents told me that they’d rather me major in something else other than MT. In fact, they said that they’d pay for my college in whole if I majored in something other than in the performing arts, but I declined the offer because that’s just not what I want to do. In the end, it’s my life and I’m going to do what I want to do. I think you should tell them, but let them know that what they say won’t change his mind.</p>
<p>Yes I did. I posted an audition review/journal-type-thing on the Elon board. I’m going to post other ones after I audition for those too, so be on the look-out for my Shenandoah Conservatory, Syracuse, Roosevelt, Webster, Point Park, UArts and Ithaca reviews as well</p>
<p>“We don’t want him to be like your sister. We all know how that turned out.” – I really expected you next line to be that your sister is in rehab & has shamed the family! Jeesh, your in-laws were completely out of line to even comment on your sister, especially as she sounds like a successful, educated woman by any standard.</p>
<p>Does your son really care if they support his choice? If not, I wouldn’t give a hoot what they thought. If you feel their disapproval will impact your son’s confidence throughout the audition/application process, you either have to set them striaght or keep him away from their toxic influence. You know them best. If diplomacy will work, try that. If being firm & no nonsense in your approach is the best way to bring them around, use that. Good luck to him.</p>
<p>Georgia, I can commiserate with you, because I have a sister that pursued a career in MT (without a degree) and never realized her dreams, and I never wanted that life for either of my children. Having an academically oriented D, as I was, I never dreamed she would have that epiphany one day and say “I want to be on Broadway - I can’t imagine doing anything else!” My husband and I kept telling her she could always do theater as an avocation while she was writing novels or curing cancer. Well, it was obvious at 13 that this was a true passion, which I believe is a blessing for a teenager to have, because it gives them focus, determination in pursuit of a goal, and a strong work ethic. The difference between my D and my sister is pursuit of that degree; we know that college experience in any major gives one an edge in preparation for independence and continued learning. Not every kid that gets a degree in MT will be a professional performer for the rest of their lives - but they will be exposed, at least for the next 4 years, to something that they truly love, and can’t seem to live without. After that, they will have been prepared to move toward their original goal or look toward other opportunities. And aren’t we raising our kids to be true to who they are and be happy pursuing their dreams? We’ve not only accepted her chosen path, we’ve embraced it because we love her and will support her choices as long as she works hard toward her goal. </p>
<p>It’s OK for your in-laws to be apprehensive, but it’s not OK for them to discourage your S in any way. Tell them about his plans, and ask for at least emotional support. We all need it as we prepare for this journey our kids are taking us on. Good luck to you and your family!</p>
<p>It may be that they will never understand…and you and your family will have to deal with it in a positive light as NMR so elegantly explained.</p>
<p>My feelings concerning my son are that he knows what he wants to do. There aren’t a lot of people who can say that. Some kids for example want to be fireman or policeman when they grow up. A close friend of mines son always wanted to work with trains…since he was an infant he was fascinated with trains. His dad would take him to the rail yard and they would watch the activity, try and name all the different kinds of cars and engines. Anyway, when he graduated from college everyone said he had to attend college…because that’s what you do…to get a good job. He went to college, didn’t really do to well, dropped out, (parents lost quite a bit of money) and then ended up getting a job as a conductor with CSX rail. He is happy as can be, making a decent living, still no college degree. He is living his dream! </p>
<p>How many people wish they could live their dream? How many people don’t even have a dream? I would rather see my son have a goal or a dream, or a vision and try to achieve it, and ultimately fail, than to never have tried. What a tragedy looking back on your life when you’re older and regret that you never tried to do the thing in life you desired most…especially because those who are closest to you talked you out it. Most people if given the opportunity will go on trying and trying to reach their goals.</p>
<p>In sales, you’re taught to keep trying. Thomas Edison, or so the story goes, failed 10,000 times before the light bulb worked. My son has that desire that dream that focus. I believe he will be successful at whatever he chooses…ff not initially, then eventually. I want to help him not get in his way.</p>
<p>Sorry to preach, but I think your in-laws may not get it. However, don’t let them dissuade your son.</p>
<p>My Dad, who was a college professor in the sciences, was always against my S pursuing MT. My S was always very good in science, we thought he’d go into medicine, well…that didn’t happen. My Dad was fairly vocal about the whole thing looked at MT as a hobby. When my S started getting alot of attention, and winning things and getting scholarships,etc, my Dad began to change his mind,and now takes a great deal of interest in my S’s “career” and is very proud of him. So people can change their minds, if you are patient. I just kept on talking about colleges and MT programs, etc. I was cheerful but unyielding.</p>
<p>Thanks so for much for all the advice! I really needed that today, as it has been bothering me. I admit I have my own apprehensions at times, knowing second-hand how tough this business is. But music and theatre are his passions, and I can’t see him being involved in any career just to make a living if he is not passionate about it. My in-laws still live in the Leave It to Beaver era, where stability was more important than being happy in your career. Don’t think they realize times have changed and no career choice is really stable anymore. I know they mean well, but it’s going to be difficult dealing with people so…opinionated?</p>
<p>Anyway, I can’t tell you how much these responses raised my spirits. Bless you!</p>
<p>Honestly I’ve been thinking about the same thing. Except it’s not my grandparents it’s my parents. My mother has been trying to get me to change my mind about my major. She’s been trying so hard for about a year now. But this weekend I have to tell her that there’s no budging on my part. I’ve been able to avoid telling her, I mean really telling her, because my part-time job covers the expenses involved with any voice lessons or any trips that would be involved.</p>
<p>Basically I need my own spirits raised. What should I tell my parents? I know they love me but it doesn’t make them any less stubborn when it comes to majoring in the arts.</p>
<p>srw is 100% correct: people do change their minds. For all you know, Georgia, once your son is a big success :), the grandparents will be first in liine for tickets and will be telling everyone “Oh, we always knew he was going to be a star!” Seriously, as much as I recommended (fwiw) trying to deal with the grandparents’ “passenger comfort” as a way to keep family peace, I also am always surprised when anyone (parent or grandparent or anyone else) presumes to try to tell a young person what his or her goals and dreams should be. It seems hugely presumptuous and downright intrusive to me! Each and every human being, I believe, has the right to his own personhood and hopes and dreams, and no one should try to take that away. It’s just not right! That said, srw’s advice to be cheerful and unyielding is the way to go, I would think.</p>
<p>If figure if these kids are focused and passionate, it certainly doesn’t hurt to let them try. My MT son has known all of his HS years what he wanted to major in. My older son is 2 1/2 years out of college (with a finance degree) and has already changed his mind about careers a couple of times. </p>
<p>My mother-in-law pretty much felt the same way about an MT degree. My MT son graduated valedictorian of his HS class and won a Calculus award that year. He did well enough on Calculus AP exam that he never has to take math at Elon. My mother-in-law was so upset that he wasn’t going to be taking math in college. My son, on the other hand, was totally thrilled - he got out of several requirements at Elon and had 24 hours credit from his AP exams! It allows him to take more performing arts electives.</p>
<p>I have chosen to ignore negative vibes from extended family who don’t understand at all. It’s not healthy - don’t let them drag you or your son down!</p>
<p>This thread reminds me why I love CC. NMR is truly a gem for focusing on the positve aspects of the In-laws concerns. My family has made it clear to me that my son’s career choice is crazy but I have made it very clear to them that I will encourage his passion and that I believe in his talent. I have encouraged them to bite their tongues and to continue to build a relationship with him that will last.</p>
– do NOT like being ignored!) but that also makes it clear that you support your son and hope that they will, too. Good luck!</p>