Disillusioned at college decisions

Hi! I am a senior in high school. I just went through the college application process, and I honestly don’t know how to handle the aftermath. Before I began applications, I thought I had a good shot at getting into my dream school. I felt that I had done everything in my power throughout high school to prepare for college applications, and everyone that I talked to felt the same way. I am still very thankful for the schools that accepted me, but I feel very disillusioned that I was rejected from all of the colleges I was aiming for. The worst part is that whenever I talk to anyone about college applications, it seems like the consensus is that “college admissions are fair and you end up where you deserve to be.” This is a little heartbreaking to me, since it makes me feel like all the work I put in throughout high school has amounted to far less than I had hoped. To add insult to injury, an overwhelming amount of my friends and classmates got into their dream schools this year, some of whom I feel definitely put in less effort throughout high school. I don’t want to sound jealous, because I feel that most of them deserve it, but it kind of sucks that there is now an awkwardness between my friends and me because I had always been the most “studious” one in the group. I think I was raised with too much emphasis on getting into a good college, and now it is all backfiring since it basically ended up as a failure. I constantly remind myself that my college doesn’t define who I am, and I shouldn’t let this keep me from following my passion, but it’s kinda soul crushing at times. I honestly don’t know how to cope with this situation… If you have been through something similar or have any advice, please feel free to comment!

When your dream school is Stanford your chance of admission isn’t great. It’s unfortunate, but that’s why we always recommend matches and safeties that are great fits. Where did you get accepted?

Look at the number of students applying to those highly selective schools on your list. Look at the number of acceptances. Understand that most all of those students had sterling resumes and/or some strong hooks for acceptances. Schools want to have their sports teams , full up their majors, deal with development, alumni, have a diverse community in talents, interests, backgrounds, geographical.

When you apply to highly selective schools , your chances of acceptance are very smalll. In such cases most such applicants do not get into one of those schools and get into their match or safety schools. Those s hooks most likely to take you are the ones where you should have and should. R investing your thoughts, research , expectations and dreams because that’s where you were likely to get accepted. It’s like ignoring your checking account balance while buying lottery tickets and planning to spend the winnings.

“… college admissions are fair”

I certainly would not claim that university admissions are fair. I have seen too many cases where the stronger and harder working students with better grades did not get in, but the kids that they helped get though school did get in. Admittedly it does not take many examples of this for me to feel that admissions are not fair.

However, I have also seen kids attend the universities that they could get into, and do exceptionally well. I have seen kids at a school that you never heard of apply for and win government funding to do research as an undergraduate student. The fact that they were not at a famous university or LAC does not matter – what matters is the great work that they are going.

I have also talked to a few hiring managers who have noticed that the best graduates coming out of a local in-state public school are now just as good as the best graduates coming from MIT and Stanford. We are now mostly hiring from the public universities because that is where the great students are.

I see from another thread that your dream school was Stanford. Stanford sent an article to alumni a few years ago that talked about admissions. What I took from it is that admissions is largely based on things that you personally do not have control over.

There are a lot of very good universities. There are a lot of universities that will give you great opportunities. What you do have control over is what you accomplish when you get to university. It sounds like you have been accepted to some good universities. Go somewhere else and make Stanford sorry that they did not admit you.

Do you realize Stanford’s acceptance rate is around 5%? That makes it an extreme reach for eve the most qualified applicants with perfect scores.

The admissions process is a long, winding, and sometimes unfair journey…but getting denied by a extremely highly selective school is not surprising at all. (for anyone)

Where did you commit? You can’t dwell on where your friends got in. My friend got into Caltech, Yale and Columbia and got denied by his dream of MIT. He’s going to Caltech and I am thrilled for him. Your friend’s accomplishments do not take away from your own accomplishments.

Cheer Up!

Einstein never went to Stanford either!

Where are you headed?

My daughter did not get into her dream school either. She got deferred and then rejected. It was, of course, really disappointing for her.

She also got accepted into some really great schools. The one she ended up choosing wasn’t her first choice of the 7 that accepted her, but it was the one that is most affordable for our family. She will get a great education there, she will make contacts that will serve her well, and she will make the most of the opportunity she has been given. It’s a nice bonus that she will have very little debt when she graduates.

She does have moments of sadness (many of them!) that she isn’t going to the popular state school that a lot of her friends are going to, nor is she headed to the big name school that accepted her with a small merit award. She’s looking ahead to a great education at a fine school.

Best wishes to you as you embark on your next journey!

Well Friedegg I think you are right. It really isn’t that fair, especially at private colleges. They have needs and wants that go beyond just being a smart, hard working student. But the good news is that your choice of major is a lot more important than where you go to school (for most majors.) I know lots of doctors and lawyers that went through regional state universities for undergrad, for example. (In fact, that probably helped their GPA which got them into grad school.)

I know that’s little consolation, especially given how much you worked for your goal. But at least you know that it probably won’t be a major factor in how your life turns out, (and it might even make your life better.)

Two examples I can share.

  1. I know of a student from a small LAC that many people on CC scoff at because it's not ranked in the Top 100. Student was a History major (also scoffed at). After graduation, student attended Harvard Law and graduated cum laude.
  2. I know of a student from a small public school that many people on CC scoff at because it's not the flagship or even a strong directional, and not highly ranked. Student graduated as an Econ major, received PhD from Stanford and now teaches at Harvard Business School.

Where you go frequently means very little. It’s more about finding and taking advantage of opportunities - which will be available at any school.

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I totally get what you’re saying. I know quite a few kids who were told by friends, parents, teachers, etc. that they would have no problem getting into any school they wanted because they were rock stars in high school. So of course students believe that and are shocked when it doesn’t work out that way through no fault of their own. It’s a disappointment and somewhat embarrassing. My D purposely didn’t tell many people where she was applying because she didn’t want to deal with the reactions from people if she didn’t get in.

I was just talking to a good friend the other day about her daughter who scored a 36 on her ACT. I can tell from talking to her that she thinks this means guaranteed admission where ever she wants to go. I tried to gently tell her that while it’s an amazing accomplishment and it will certainly help with admissions, there are lots of kids with perfect stats denied from schools every year.

Please remember that most of your friends have NO idea what they are talking about. My D was talking to a couple of friends the other day about a mutual friend who everyone thought was destined for an ivy or another tippy-top school. The only school he got into was his one safety. One of my D’s friend said, “He should have applied to XYZ school. He could have gotten in there.” XYZ school is a T20 school that my D attends. The friend had no idea that he HAD applied there and was not admitted. But she just didn’t get that it’s really hard to get into any top school and nothing is guaranteed.

I know quite a few kids who ended the college application process disappointed and felt where they ended up did not match with how hard they worked in high school. However, they did all end up happy where they ended up and are doing well (including D’s friend I mentioned above - he’s thriving!). All you can do at this point is commit yourself to working hard at where ever you end up and making the best of it. Take advantage of the opportunities you have!

Getting into “the right school” makes it easier to hang out with your friends from April through August, when everyone scatters and none of that matters any more. (Covid has messed this up, but stay with me.) Your group will go on to their various schools, and some will blossom and grow and be fulfilled, and some will be frustrated and unhappy, and the rank of the school has almost nothing to do with which kids are happy and which are not.

If you’re a Bloom Where Planted sort of person that just wakes up each day and starts with a fresh outlook and your own sense of place and value then it doesn’t matter where you go to school. If you need constant approval from those around you or a constant stream of successes to feel validation then eventually you’re going to hit a dry spell (everyone does) and be bummed out. And that happens more often when you’re not the smartest or hardest studying kid in the room, which is likely the case at top schools like Stanford. Just read these boards and you’ll find plenty of posts by burned out or disillusioned students at fabulous schools. No matter where you are, there you are.

The root of your problem seems to be disappointment, and disappointment is frequently more about high expectations than poor outcomes. If folks are telling you you are where you belong then maybe it’s true. But I’m guessing your destination is still a pretty good school and not Flathead Valley Community College (no offence, I just love the name) so “failure” might be a bit hyperbolic. Disappointment is real so don’t pretend you shouldn’t feel anything. Feel the hurt, wallow in it for a bit, and then pull on your new school sweatshirt and start buying sheets and a new laptop. Life has already gone on even after your soul was kinda crushed. Life’s like that, and you learn how to handle knocks like this by getting knocked around like this. If you think settling for a good school is bad, wait until you lose a job you love or your heart is broken or a family member dies. You lay there for a bit, start breathing again, and then get up. It’s all you can do. So keep your eyes up and your feet moving and you’ll make it. Good luck.

@friedegg : “The college (undergraduate) admissions process is a largely unregulated black box, and most schools provide little transparency about how they decide who receives an acceptance letter.” If you’re really determined to set your foot on the “farm”, you can always do so by going there several years later for a graduate degree (e.g., MBA, JD, MS, MA, MD, or Ph.D) since most GS admissions, IMHO, are more transparent, race-blinded and merit-based to a certain extent.

For example, here is a link to Stanford’s MS&E (so-called the technical MBA at Stanford) MS admission statistics:

https://msande.stanford.edu/admissions/graduate/mse-ms-admission-statistics

Acceptance rate (~10% in recent years) is not as cut-throat competitive as UG admission (~3%) and most importantly, again, it’s more merit-based.

Good luck to you at whichever school you attend!

If you’re a great student you can do great no matter what school you get into. I don’t get into the college comparison game. Libraries and online resources contain much more knowledge than any school curriculum does.

Exactly! Technologies have significantly changed the learning experience since early 2000s. If I were a high school student today, I would have a seoncd thought for undergraduate target schools.

Not to mention that we’re all in the situation of pandemic…

It seems to me that everything depends on your desire. I am sure that with your perseverance you will be able to enter the best dream college later. You just have to improve your skills and get better.

Closing old thread. oP has not been back to CC in quite some time.