<p>I don’t believe that a post-HS student has a moral right to or legal claim against either parent for a college education. </p>
<p>I operate with my S, now that he is a young adult, on the basis of shared commitment. I WANT my S to have a college education. My S wants a college education. My EX wants our S to have a college education. All 3 of us made commitments to this goal. Each of us is paying to get what each individually wants–a college education for him. He got and maintains a generous scholarship. Mom and I pay a certain amount and S earns the rest.</p>
<p>If a mother makes “gazillions” and does not value a college education for her child, it is her decision and right not to commit to pay for any of it. Same goes for a father. If this means the child has to go to plan B get a college degree, so be it. Remember 75% of the US HS grads since the end of the 20th century did not graduate from college.</p>
<p>kayf–What you present is the situation where one parent values a child’s college education and wants THE OTHER PARENT to pay for it. Any surprise there was a divorce?</p>
<p>cptofthehouse–you are so right about the formulas etc. It works much better if the exs can get on the same page with the goal of taking care of college and not micro manage this issue in advance with a enforceable decree. The best laid plans of mice and men-----</p>
<p>My experience was that commiting to the goal of effective co-parenting after divorce compelled getting past the anger of the divorce and into a win-win-win situation. My favorite example was access and custody generally, but especially at holidays. I know people who warred every year over holidays/weekends when it didn’t match the exact terms of the decree because someone in either family was sick or dying or one Ex had a fabulous opportunity to take the kid on a trip, etc. We just applied the Golden Rule. Sure sometime you didn’t get exactly your complete preference, but it sure worked smoother than the Warriors’ Solution.</p>
<p>I have seen examples of what being angry the entire rest of one’s life after a divorce is like. Not a pretty sight and WHAT A WASTE.</p>
<p>There are some things where state law overrides private agreements. It is tricky trying to tied down college payments in a divorce agreement when it is being done long before the college years. Other things often take preference. There are so many variables that can change that it is difficult to come up with a formula both parties will take. It gets more complicate with obligations each parent has too. </p>
<p>I am very familiar with the situation of where Dad is well to do and refuses to pay, whereas Mom can’t pay for the college expenses even if she wants to do so. Kid is out of luck for colleges that want Dad’s financials. The parents don’t even have to be divorced for this to happen.</p>
<p>I am aware of a family who had a son who went way off the path his senior year in HS. Not so much that his acceptance to college was in jeapordy, but some of his conduct was technically criminal, all was clearly destructive and it was intentional and mean spirited. His Mom just had all this she was willing to take and took a stand with the S and the H that she was NOT going to stand by and have the couple spend hard earned money on this S going off to college to continue this behavior. </p>
<p>The Dad was much more willing to provide the LAC opportunity in spite of the horrible conduct. Mom caved and the S went off to college on the couple’s nickle. YEP----$50,000+ later, kid is kicked out of college by the end of freshman year and the parents are now in divorce court. The Mom is attempting to have the division of the marital estate adjusted in her favor in the amount reflecting the wasted $50K. It will be interesting to see what the judge does. </p>
<p>This scenario has resulted in a lot of people acknowledging how in their marriage to the other parent of their S or D there were really strong disagreements over what was “owed” to the post-HS child. Not all resulted in divorce. Not all resulted in disappointment in the long run. But, almost all these situations appear to have done damage to the parents’ relationship with each other.</p>
<p>You can rather all you want, you have no control over this woman. The choice is not let things remain unclear or blow the college funds on attorneys. The Dad can go see an attorney for an hour, get a handle on how best to approach this while staying within the limits of the law.</p>
<p>Though this sort of disagreement happens more often in divorced families, it does happen more frequently than one would think with married couples as well. If you count the times when one parent decides to “give in” for the peace of the family, there are probably countless cases. </p>
<p>I know many, many situations where one parent is willing to pay anything for a child to go to a first choice school and the other parent feels STate U is just fine. How to spend money is a big issues in married couples’ fights. </p>
<p>I know that I am willing to go out on the limb more for education than my husband. Who is to say who is right when? </p>
<p>I know a family that really went into crisis when the kid at college got into trouble and one parent did not want to continue paying whereas the other wanted to give it another go. As it turned out, the kid did finish school (in 6 years, costing a fortune and causing a lot of family stress) and is now doing well, but those years were very hard ones for the family. It always is when there is such disagreement.</p>
<p>Cpt, I think it gets ramped up in divorces – because an addiitonal element is added – that of “I wont pay more than the other parent” Doesnt matter to many here that one parent earns more (my guess – they are the parent or the SO of the parent who earns more). In intact families, my guess is very few parents say to the other – you cut out all your luxuries, I am not going to sacrifice anything. YOU take bus, I will keep my nice car. YOU take lunch to work. etc etc. Not that there is anything wrong with parents being frugal. But it shouldnt be jsut one. And the worst case – even if one parent sacrrifices all her luxuries, it still isnt enought for her half.</p>
<p>OP, so her half of tuition is only $2100? Or is that after son maxes out on loans? Is that Dad’s “half” as well? </p>
<p>As a divorced custodial parent, I think that Dad is being completely fair and agree that the attorney fees would eat up any small amounts in dispute. But room and board must be at least $8K! My ex and I amicably file by ourselves any changes to support orders needed over the years. He’s 1000 miles away and “attends” via speakerphone! It’s very simple to do, the court clerk mails the paperwork to you, and it costs nothing…but we know and agree in advance, mostly, and the judge settles any small differences.</p>
<p>Anyway, what I would do is either:
a. petition for a change in the support order so some is paid to the college instead of to the ex, in addition to the 1/2 tuition, or
b. stick with the original, agreed upon, college plan, as amended by mom, and pay the 1/2 tuition to school and another year of full child support to mom (who sounds pretty greedy to me). Son will deal with his own mother…kids have a very good idea of what’s fair and not!</p>
<p>Either way, Dad pays what he’s planned for and Mom gets the firm message that last minute tricks are likely to affect her own relationship with her son. Four years of this behavior could get really old if you don’t handle it now! Just my .02!</p>
<p>Just out of curiousity – when you say kids have a very good idea of what’s fair and what’s not – do you and your X tell the kids what you both earn? Or maybe it happens to be relatively close so its not necessary? Gee I am glad the courts in many big North East states do think what parents earn is relevant. I guess I am the only one on this board who thinks it is relevant.</p>
<p>Maybe some people chose to take the poster at her word when she said that both parents’ incomes were equal. Perhaps she knows that such is the case, and it seems as if there was a lot of communication going on before the fact, so it is very possible that the OP knows what she’s talking about and you are bringing personal to the thread that others aren’t.</p>
<p>Actually, my question was to Sck8mom, who said kids have a way of seeing what is fair. I am just curious as many here seem to think it is OK for a college to ask a parent what he/she earns in order to assess finad, so I am curious why people here think it is not OK for income to be relevant when dividing contributions between parents. </p>
<p>fyi, my X pays 100% of my Ds college, plus provides a car. </p>
<p>What I resent is the many of other divorced women, whom people here think is 50/50 is just fine – without any knowledge of earnings. </p>
<p>I beleieve OP said her SO made more than his ex. As to how much more, how can she possibley know – that is hard to beleive, absent court filings.</p>
<p>KayF, it’s difficult to come up with a fair way to share college expenses. Income is one factor, but assets and needs are also issues. My son’s close friend has a half sister who needed heart surgery and a number of other needs. Family resources had to go to that situation and though the mom was making considerably more money than dad, the priorities for the mom were not on paying for college that year. Any number of scenarios can upset the balance especially when you throw “steps” into the equation. Also in many cases, one parent may feel that there should financial limits on what the student chooses, whereas the other parent may not. Not necessarily the one with more money who wants to be more generous either. </p>
<p>So, yes, income is relevant, but it is not the only factor involved.</p>
<p>The OP said that they make roughly the same salaries. I think it was already explained to you. Many people hold the kinds of jobs where the salary is public, they were also parents of the same child so it’s not outside the realm of probability that this information has been exchanged before. It was also stated by the OP that there has been a great deal of communication on the issue, including a joint trip to the store.</p>
<p>Cpt – absolutely I can see that – would be glad to modify forumulae. But this constant focus on 50/50 is jsut not fair. If you beleive 50/50 is THE fair answer, then you should also beleive that need based aid is inappropriate.</p>
<p>Zooser – great – so for finaid we should use the same type of analysis – becuase dividing up contribution is the same type of analysis. I hate to think how much money you would think I have based on my shopping. Probably a lot less than I do. Civil servants may have jobs where it is public info what they make (although where I live, you’ld have to FOIL to get it ). Most non civil servants dont have their salary publicly available. You can guess what I make, but you might be way off. </p>
<p>This is why OPs SO should go speak to an attorney – and be totally frank with attorney. </p>
<p>Everyone here talks the same 50/50 mantra. In doing so, remember that the children of divorce are the ones who are less likely to attend and graduate college than the children of intact marriages.</p>
<p>Kayf, I agreed with you about the 50/50. My friend would have been glad to have gotten half the cost of her daughter’s first choice in schools. Her dad flat out refused to pay. As far as he was concerned, all he should pay was one half the state school where she could commute. State law backed him up as in that state all bets are off once the child is age 18 or out of high school.</p>
Two totally different issues: 1. the OP made statements. There is no reason to work on the presumption that she is being dishonest or acting in bad faith as you are doing. In the specific context of this message board, she’s right. You’re bringing your own emotions to someone else’s situation and that’s not very courteous.</p>
<ol>
<li> General or policy considerations. 50/50 may or not be reasonable. Every situation is different. My husband and I make pretty much exactly the same salary and have almost identical benefits and so forth. In our situation, 50/50 would be fair. In our dark days we consulted lawyers. Mine told me exactly that because I’ve always been self supporting.</li>
</ol>
<p>Did anyone but me just spit diet coke out of their nose when they read the person raving about the “50/50” mantra pays 0% of their own child’s college tuition??? I would tattoo my own salary on my forehead if my ex husband were willing to pay 50%. (even 10% for that matter)</p>
<p>Apparently the “money” issues concerning who pays and how much is secondary (or less) to the fact of divorce itself.</p>
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<p>Well, that’s why divorce isn’t a stroll in the park if the parents “war” after divorce. If they approach paying for college as problem solving, it seems to work out. </p>
<p>In my state (Texas), there is community property which invisions splitting the assets and liabilites upon divorce and then (with a few acceptions) the adults are “on their own” on economic issues. Child support is set by guidelines so that there is uniformity (or that is the stated goal) in what the paying parent pays. This was put into place to avoid judges who had tendancies to go very light or very heavy in awarding the amount of child support.</p>
<p>Someone who pays zero towards their child’s college criticizes the idea that each pay half?!?!? GO FIGURE.</p>
<p>Texas is one of the worst states for divorce – I’m glad I dont live there. No wonder your x settles for what she can get. </p>
<p>It looks like the study looked at kids in top colleges – and is one study. And one has to wonder, are the same kids from divorce the ones who dont get the SAT tutors, the ECs? </p>
<p>What I criticze is any apriori assumptions as to who should pay.</p>