<p>Well, I don’t really think that Kayf is “criticizing” anyone, per se. I think what she is saying has real merit. If you believe in financial aid, based on income, then you, obviously, believe that whoever can pay more SHOULD pay more. Ultimately, though, the saddest part of this is that fathers OR mothers OR stepfathers or mothers would walk away from thier kids when it is time to go to college. Clearly FAFSA does not believe this is all right, either, given the way others have said they calculate EFC. So, yes, the language is heated, here, probably based on the desire to NOT attack the original mother, but the point is a salient one. Clearly Kayf and her ex had some similar values to begin with and her ex agrees on the value of an education. Good. Because, when parents fight over who is going to pay what for the kid it does have an incredibly debilitating effect on the child’s ability to do well, particularly if said “kid” is put in the middle, somehow, by his dad’s girlfriend.</p>
<p>Thank you poet, your name is so descriptive. Yes, I gave up some in divorce to gurantee my beloved D’s education. But part of was based on his income v. mine.</p>
<p>Poetgrl-Where do you get the assumption dad’s “girlfriend” somehow is putting the son in the middle by wanting him to go to college and not have debt? There is also no fighting so not sure where that came from either. Son’s mother and stepfather actually stayed overnight in my home when they came to tour the son’s school. It was the first college they visited. The other 6 college visits were with son and “the girlfriend”. </p>
<p>For all those who have helped with their posts thank you very much. I think I’ve had enough “help” for now.</p>
<p>First, I think it would be a bad idea for son to live with father and girlfriend, especially if they are not married. That is a sexually and ethically confused situation. The girlfriend has no legal standing. If son moves in, then she’s the third wheel in the father-son family. So I would suggest straightening that out first. </p>
<p>Second, I can’t believe the amount of fuss being made over $2000ish dollars. The obligation to pay child support is a legal obligation to pay money to the custodial parent, so just pay her her pittance, I say. I don’t know if you know how much parents actually do for a kid on a day-to-day basis, but they take a lot of work. Yes, it’s joyful work, important work, but I’m sure whatever it is, she’s probably earned whatever she’s getting for the daily tasks she performs for the child. Also, college does not take a child away for 12 months a year. In fact, college school years are shockingly short. So she’ll probably have the boy lounging around drinking milk straight from the refrigerator for four or five months a year.</p>
<p>The point is, that once parents get divorced, they have to work harder than other parents to build a relationship with their child. If all it takes is a few lousy extra thousand dollars to keep a decent amount of peace with this kid, do it. Kids are worth a hell of a lot. If your boyfriend doesn’t go way above and beyond what is strictly necessary at this crucial point in his child’s life, he may lose him forever. This may be his last chance to be a father in a meaningful way.</p>
<p>nurseratchet–why did you choose that name??? You should have titled this thread–I would very much like everyone to agree with me that my boyfriend’s son’s mother is wrong!</p>
<p>That way we would have known how to respond.</p>
<p>Ack! This thread seems to have become needlessly judgemental. Nurseratchet, I think your family situation is quite complicated. If I am understanding correctly, you have your own children in college. You are living with a man who is divorced and is soon to have a child in college and his exwife is remarried and her dh has children in college. I also get the feeling the reason you’re not married is because of the implications on financial aid. That last fact makes me think that your SO has more income than you or his wife-- perhaps enough that the $2000 is a non-issue. I cannot judge his exwife because, frankly, child support usually does not cover enough and she really is entitled to it for another year. It’s her right. </p>
<p>That said, with all the college-age kids involved, it must be difficult to balance everyone’s needs. Based on your aversion to loans, I am guessing your own college-age kids have been able to forego them. How much does mom want him to take in loans? Is there a way for him to work for that money? Since he’s moving to your area, does dad have any connections that could get son a better paying job? Since we’re only talking 1 year, is that the maximum your SO can give him or could he give him the additional 1/2 board for freshman year? I think perhaps some creative thinking is in order. You can’t take away her child support without a change in the court order and, if we’re only talking 2K, it seems needlessly hurtful. I think the focus should be on setting up the boy so he has the least amount of debt possible-- just like that’s the goal with your kids.</p>
<p>Yes. I’m sorry if I sounded judgemental. It wasn’t my intent. good luck. I’m sure it’s way more complicated than we can understand in a message board thread.</p>
<p>“Ultimately, though, the saddest part of this is that fathers OR mothers OR stepfathers or mothers would walk away from thier kids when it is time to go to college.”</p>
<p>No truer statement on this thread.</p>
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<p>I surely agree that to wait till “it is time to go to college” to announce an unwillingness to contribute to the cost of college for a student who is prepared to attend college is grossly unfair. However, to assess whether to commit and how much to commit well in advance of this last moment and let that be known is not “unfair” whether the parent is married or divorced. </p>
<p>In fact, the bust yourself for every kid to go to college is advised against by many women’s advocates.</p>
<p>[Is</a> College the Only Answer for your Child? | First Wives World](<a href=“http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/college-only-answer-your-child]Is”>http://www.firstwivesworld.com/resources/resource-articles/college-only-answer-your-child)</p>
<p>I spoke with an attorney today who has practiced family law for over 25 years. She advises her client who have very young children to consider NOT trading current assets for the promise of payment of college expenses in the future. She relates that all too often it turns out the child isn’t college material or drops out and the “value” of this commitment is marginal. She suggests that the client take a better deal w/o a college provision and then set aside assets to fund the portion of college the parent wants to pay.</p>
<p>Also, since the vast majority of citizens live in states that do not allow for post-HS support orders, it is telling that the more substantial and engaged the relationship the non-custodial parent has with the child, the more likely that parent is to contribute to fund some college costs. THAT means that after the divorce the parents who cooperatively co-parent and don’t war provide the child with the best chance for the support of both parents in helping pay for college.</p>
<p>I completely agree. Also, I would think, though I don’t know for sure, that the parents who choose to remain involved in the lives of their kids, to put aside whatever massive differences led to the divorce to begin with, in order to be solid parents, anyway, are just more interested in thier kids well-being from the get-go. Even married parents have to sometimes put aside thier differences in order to do what is in the best interest of the kids, and compromises need to be made. Probably the best solutions involve what 07Dad has been advocating all along, which is that the parents, married or unmarried, simply need to communicate well and find the best financial solutions for all involved. Disagreements happen, and good faith bargaining, given that the two parent’s highest priority is the same–the well being of the child–can probably surmount most of the issues.</p>
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<p>You got it! And, to sit on the same row with you ex at the HS graduation knowing that in spite of it all you both were there for your child is a balm for all the hurt you ever felt.</p>
<p>07DAD – Why should a parent have to “trade” for college tuition? Both parents should contribute. This is CSS/Profile world. Fortunately I do live in a state that recognizes college should be dealt with fairly – in addition to spouses. No one I know argues with continued parental involvement, and minimal warring, but that doesnt mean to agree what a bully wants. </p>
<p>The CC world is parents who want their children to go to college. </p>
<p>I have a friends who is divorced. Her son is going to NYU, a FAFSA only school, which btw is famous for “gapping” kids – i.e., providing less aid than EFC. Yes her son is gapped somewhat, but they are not factoring in any contribution from the father, a dentist. My guess is part of NYU’s FAFSA policy is they have listened to mother after mother (and ususlly it is mother, but their may be some fathers, and their concerns are just as valid) saying they cant get the other parent to pay. But the bottem line, is that they are shifting money to children of divorce. I find it difficult to beleive that any child accepted at NYU is not college material. The point of this saga, is that many of us pay, when states, like Texas, do not require fair support by both parents. </p>
<p>Unfortunately there can be a disconnect between avoiding warring and unfairness. </p>
<p>07DAD, what do you propose when one parent wont pay, based on reasonable income, for a share of college?</p>
<p>It doesn’t seem like this is a character problem 07Dad is familiar with, himself. Nor does it sound like he’s a divorce attorney. I wonder if there are any divorce attorney’s out there who are familiar with this who could weigh in?</p>
<p>I’ld like to hear from any Adcom/Finaid people – what do they advise their friends who are getting divorced?</p>
<p>Isn’t one of the OP’s main issues the concern that the custodial parent will be taking out loans in excess of the son’s COA? And as an extension, these loans will be a burden to the son in the future. I know that in the past it was not uncommon for students to take out larger loans than they really needed, but this created a form of indentured servitude that on some occasions had dire consequences. Is this practice still legal and/or advisable?</p>
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<p>Are you asking on a policy level? Well, since I dont believe that a parent has an obligation to fund any of college, if they do not want to, Id propose nothing.</p>
<p>In my case, if my Ss Mom had said early on that she wasnt going to contribute to college, Id propose to my S that he understand that the total COA was going to be very important since hed have to pay for ½. S worked as a tutor throughout HS and could have taken more clients to grow his portion. There were full rides available due to his NM scores if he didnt want to pay or borrow. Similarly, there was the in state school option at a more affordable COA than at a LAC.</p>
<p>If he was determined to go LAC and had to borrow, Id counsel against it, but probably would have co-signed.</p>
<p>What I would not have done was malign his Mother for her decision. Id leave it to my S and his Mom to deal with any fallout in their relationship from her decision.</p>
<p>So, let me get that straight, you would be willing to pay say 25 if mom would pay 25, but if mom wouldnt pay anything, and son would go to cheaper school, costing say 25, you would only pay 12.5? </p>
<p>That is what I mean by some of the issue caused by divorce. Parent A looks not only to what he/she can afford, but wont pay more than Parent B. Intact families, parents look to what they can afford.</p>
<p>Of course, in your situation, if your X’s income/assets are roughly the same, it might be fair. Otherwise, it is unfair to mom. And worse than denigrating her. But I think you know that.</p>
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<p>I came from an intact well-to-do family. My Dad and Mom disagreed over how much to commit to college for me and my brother. Dad said he’d spring for the amount that it would cost for 2 years at the state flagship. Mom wanted them to pay all 4 years where ever we could get admitted. The ultimate final decision was a compromise by both. </p>
<p>But, neither my brother nor I got full payment at the school of our choice. In fact, I transfered from the school of my choice to the state flagship after 2 years to make my finances work. </p>
<p>We had some skin in the game. I didn’t look at this as “child abuse,” I appreciated that they were helping pay for my college. The idea that they “owed me college” never crossed my mind, much less the college of my choice.</p>
<p>And, since they had discussed this with me, I had worked and saved during JH and HS. And, BTW I did college on the cheap since I was paying some of my own way and I HAD A BALL.</p>
<p>No matter how much or how little college cost for my S, I was determined that he have some skin in the game. His Mom and I don’t cover all the COA so he has to bring money to the endeavor and do college on the cheap. I was just at the LAC he attends and he is doing it on the cheap and HAVING A BALL.</p>
<p>So, YES, if Mom had opted out of paying for college altogether and S had gone a much less expensive route, I’d have paid much less, but he’d have some skin in the game. It wasn’t a divorce issue.</p>
<p>Many students have skin in the game – I was just asking clarification – your willingness to pay is not only based on S having skin game, and not only based on what you can afford, but also on what mom would pay. I dont disagree there are compromises – and I never said I saw this as child abuse – I see it as your demanding mom pay 1/2, and maybe thats fair, and maybe its not.</p>
<p>DAD07-- I had a similar set of circumstances, but kind of different than what a lot of people here sometimes talk about. My dad, who could have easily afforded to pay for college for me, was a dyslexic and a high school dropout and he thought college was incredibly overrated. A huge waste of time unless you wanted to be a doctor, and then only because he saw medical school as a type of trade school (that is what he actually called it and still does.)… So, my parents paid for me to live, no matter where I was, but they wouldn’t pay for school. That was up to me.</p>
<p>I had a ton of fun and went to a state university. I had to take one year off to save money in the middle. But, it was okay. I hadn’t yet figured out exactly what my major was going to be, and I’d really run out of money because I was having too much fun.</p>
<p>Later, when I was in grad school on fellowships, dad thought that was just great, but he still paid for me to live. He’d probably still pay for me to live if I wanted him to. He just wasn’t going to give a dime to any institution. Now, though, with my daughter, who is a high iq dyslexic and the way school has been for her? THAT fascinates him.</p>
<p>In the meantime, I don’t regret paying, at all. I think it had a lot to do with who I am, today. Plus, while I was there, I just felt like it was about me and about what I wanted, and it wasn’t about anyone else.</p>