I had divorced parents. They were NEVER on my college campus simultaneously except for graduation (when they stayed in different motels, sat separately, and basically never saw each other). And I think that the only occasion after that when they were in the same room was my wedding (and boy was THAT uncomfortable).
Have both of your parents visited your intended college? If not, the one who hasn’t been there might like to be the one to do the drop-off. If both have been there, I suggest presenting move-in as a chore, not a privilege, and asking which of them would be least inconvenienced by it.
If they regard it as a privilege, you might point out that it could be awkward for both of them to be there and invite the one who doesn’t do the move-in to Parents’ Weekend instead. Or you might invite that parent for another occasion. My father had no interest in Parents’ Weekend, but he loved football, so I would invite him to campus on a weekend when there was a home football game, and we would go to the game together and go to a nice restaurant afterward.
But you may find out that your parents do indeed consider move-in a chore or inconvenience and don’t mind at all that being divorced means that each of them will do fewer move-ins and move-outs. Just as divorce has some pluses for you (double Christmas?), it has some pluses for them, too.
One more point: Remember those upperclassman helpers that people were talking about above? They only exist for freshman move-in, when the college has to get massive numbers of people into their rooms in only a few hours. At many schools, help of this sort is unavailable for move-outs at the end of the year. This makes sense because move-outs don’t all take place at the same time. You and your roommate might leave on different days because your final exams end on different days.
So if one of your parents is more robust than the other, ask that one to help with move-out.
I’d sit down with your parents individually and ask them what they want to do. Move in day is stressful and emotional and if they can’t agree ahead of time that they want to go together, then perhaps having them come in shifts is the best way.
I imagine that unless both parents have SAID that they want to participate in Move in, that one won’t. I know that my H only went because he “had to.” lol But now so many colleges have upper-classmen help with the carrying, many dads aren’t needed as much.
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(of course, if the divorce is final and they are not contributing equally to your college, you might want to defer to whoever is paying more, ask them what they want to do)
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True…If one parent isn’t contributing a fair share, then that parent shouldn’t get special consideration.
Maybe have one come move-in day and one come for parent’s day (often a month or so later)? I agree that you should talk to them and get agreement on a plan of action – whatever it is.
I would urge you not to consider how much money each parent is contributing in how you treat them. College drop off is more emotional than transactional and should not be conditioned on money. They are two separate things, and trying to tie them together starts down a path that rarely ends well.
You are smart to plan ahead. Move-in day is often stressful and emotional, even with the best-laid plans. I moved my freshman son in to a large uni, and he was more tense than I expected because we had a specific move-in time and if we missed it we’d have to move in last (we made it!). Also, his room mate’s mom (very calm and nice) had a complete breakdown, sobbing and crying, when it was time to say goodbye, which shook everyone up. I went alone because we had to fly and my husband needed to stay home and take care of our younger child. I wished we had a third person though. You need one person in the room, one with the car (you are often double-parked), and one or two people making trips back and forth. My dream combo would be the student, one parent, and a sibling/cousin or friend who is already in college. They are the best at helping the student move in and keeping it light.
Sophomore year was so much better. We knew what to bring/expect, and not being a part of the freshman move-in was great. His second-year roommate had divorced parents. The mom drove him up and moved him in first thing in the morning, then left. His dad showed up solo later in the day, got to see his room and have lunch at the food court with him. So think of the first year as the hardest, and then it gets easier.
In no way do I think freshman move-in day is a time for your parents to “suck it up” and work on their relationship. Civility is expected, but making it easy to avoid each other is the ideal.
My D’s school had upperclassmen who swooped in to carry. We did quite a bit of unpacking and decorating then there were activities for the kids and a presidential reception for parents with yummy food and wine for parents under a tent. The president and Dean of Students made remarks and the whole thing was very pleasant. There was a little time late afternoon to meet back at the room with your kid, then you went together to convocation. THat was really nice and worth going to then came the “parent-ectomy”. They said something touching, had a blessing, then said that parents were to exit one way (and proceed to their cars to drive away into the sunset) and the students were to go the other way and off to a BBQ and icebreaker session.
I would vote for the sappier parent to do the move in/convocation and the other one to go to parent weekend or come at some time a few weeks later and take you to dinner and shop for anything that you forgot or just realized that you need.
p.s. Husband did not go at all to move in. We flew with extra bags and rented a car. We shopped for the remaining items the afternoon that we got in then had our “last supper” that night. There is a lot of logistics to move in if you fly so maybe one parent is better at remembering the little stuff that you will need.
I’m going to direct my post to any parents who are in this situation and are sending your kids off to school. PLEASE, do not make this about you. This is about them. If you can’t go at the same time and be amicable, then work it out yourselves and go in shifts and don’t put your kid in the middle of it. If your ex is being unreasonable and insists on going, let him or her go and just go later. The kids do NOT need the additional stress. It’s not worth it for anyone.
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I would urge you not to consider how much money each parent is contributing in how you treat them. College drop off is more emotional than transactional and should not be conditioned on money. They are two separate things, and trying to tie them together starts down a path that rarely ends well.
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I wouldn’t say that a dollar for dollar comparison would be fair, because often one parent (usually the mom) earns less…but certainly if one parent has not “fairly” contributed based on income, then that can come into play.
When I brought out money, I wasn’t saying the parent who pays more should get better treatment, both parents should get the same consideration. Money comes into play when there is a psycho paying parent who is easily upset and try to withhold payments (and we know a lot of them out there), then OP would need to tread carefully in order to have his/her schooling paid for. If it is not clearly spelled out in the separation agreement and money is not set aside for college, parents are not required to pay for college.
mom2collegekids, I really disagree with you on using finances as a method of allotting time with parents. Courts absolutely refuse to do that for minors, and failure to pay child support IS NOT a reason to deny visitation. And it shouldn’t be a valid reason. Kids have a right to see both parents, and parents shouldn’t have to pay for time with kids. They should have to pay child support, but time shouldn’t be doled out that way.
Kids should never be put in the middle of that dispute, whether they are 8 or 18. We have no way of knowing if the NCP really wanted the child to go to a cheaper school so he/she could contribute a higher amount but the custodial parent said he/she’d pay the extra. We have no way of knowing who is taking the tax benefits and that while it may appear one is paying more, that tax benefited parent might be paying less (and there is no way for the kid to know that either as it’s a pretty complicated calculation).
My brother had a particularly nasty divorce, and I have to give him credit for not sharing all the financial info with his kids. His ex-wife took a lot of money that he’d earned before the divorce and he just doesn’t have it now to give to his kids. He does provide other things like health insurance, braces, sports fees that don’t jump out to those just looking at cash being paid for tuition. He would be the one looking for a less expensive school and his exwife would be looking for a college without regard to cost. She’s a spendthrift.
This is pointing out the obvious if parents are rational. As someone who is going through divorce, I know it is hurtful and personal even when it is amicable. When people are hurt and angry they don’t always behave properly. I don’t think any angry divorce parent is going to read the post and think, “Oh, it makes so much sense and I didn’t realize that before, let me just stop pushing my ex’s button.”
I have found that unless it’s a true War of the Roses, usually there is one parent, no matter how bitter the divorce and how great the animosity between the ex’s, who can be rational when it applies to behavior that would directly affect a child. Sometimes those rational people need a reminder though. I’m divorced. I get it. I’m sorry if you think my comment will do no good. I hope it does.
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I really disagree with you on using finances as a method of allotting time with parents. Courts absolutely refuse to do that for minors, and failure to pay child support IS NOT a reason to deny visitation.
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Not talking about situations with minors, visitation or child support.
But, if one parent is paying a fair share (or more), and one parent is refusing to help with college, that speaks volumes and the adult child has the right to give the paying parent preferential treatment in regards to college stuff (not entire life).
I would leave the money out of the decision. What would the situation be if the parents were married, and mom didn’t contribute to college at all, but dad paid the whole bill? And yes that happens.
Less is more with these college move in days. The rooms are small, the kid really doesn’t need parents there all day, and once the stuff is moved in, really there is nothing for the parents to do.
I would have the parent who is hauling the stuff come on move in day. I would arrange another time for the other parent to visit the school, see the dorm, get the tour, go out to eat, etc.
When our second kid went to college, we realized two parents were not necessary on move in day.
That MIGHT be true, but the OP has no control over how his parents SHOULD or actually DO behave. I don’t see your post as being very helpful to the OP.
OP, if this is worrying you, I’d tell one of the parents that you’ve got moving day covered, and perhaps they’d like to visit you the next weekend and go grab a bite?
My parents were divorced but pretty amicable. Nevertheless, I would never have purposely asked them to be at a thing like moving day at the same time. It just would have created needless tension. Thank God neither of my parents got involved in power plays. They were perfectly ok to be told when I wanted them there or needed their help.
Holy cow, thank you everyone for your input! I’m not going to @ every single person, but I’ll answer a few of the general questions.
Yes, both my parents will want to be there, I promise. If you knew them you’d agree. And as much as I’d love for them to suck it up, it won’t happen. Two years since they split, and they’re STILL arguing about money stuff. The plan is for them to split the cost, by the way, but the big argument right now is about what exactly “50/50” means… X__X the never-ending drama. Even if I convinced them both to show up and be civil, there would be so much tension. It’s just inevitable with them. Argh.
It would definitely be helpful to know more about my specific college’s events, but I haven’t even heard back from most, and I applied to a huge variety. Hearing about all the move-in days’ events you’ve experienced and parent weekends etc have been very helpful!! I’ll probably end up having them take turns for which of those events they attend. Thank you so much!
Also… One semi-unrelated question. If I were to go to a school in Manhattan, how do I bring my stuff? (I’m from California so I’m seriously clueless about this. Almost every school here has a nice big parking lot.) Are there gonna be like 40 taxis at a time parked next to each university? Maybe I’m imagining that I’d bring more stuff to college than I really would. I have this picture in my head of hundreds of freshmen and their families trying to move into a building with 10 boxes each and causing a major traffic jam in the middle of the city. :))
Why do you need two parents to help with moving? I traveled with my son to help with move-in – I’m divorced, but there were plenty of kids from two-parent families who had only one parent doing the college trip with them. Sometimes it’s hard for parents to take off time from work, doubly hard for two parents to do that. Way back in the stone age when I went off to college on my own at age 16… my dad came with me, my mom stayed home. I don’t remember what went into that decision.
My daughter moved without any parental help at all --she just asked me to ship some stuff to her down the line. Both kids were attending opposite-coast colleges – and the cost of shipping my d’s possessions out to her was well under what the cost of my airfare would have been, so not a bad decision. Turns out that you really don’t have to carry everything you’ve ever owned off with you to college.
My ex and I do manage to stay cordial for family events – my son’s wedding, the respective high school and college graduations of both kids – but those are events that happened 5+ years after we split up. I do remember things being a lot rockier for the first 2-3 years. My ex did visit my dd when she was in college, but never at the same time as I did – we just picked different times for our visits. College family weekends aren’t a particularly good time for parental visits anyway, unless your parents love being part of a crowd. When my ex and I visited alone, we each had opportunities to meet some of our dd’s profs and their friends – I think that would have been harder to do if we had chosen to be there at the same time as everyone else’s parents were also visiting.