While that should be the OP’s goal, if the parents are that hostile to each other, it may take a delicate political dance to keep that out of the picture and to avoid causing either parent to perceive that s/he is being disfavored. I.e. one or both of the parents may try to drag that in against the OP’s wishes.
You don’t bring a lot of stuff.
Hmmm, if they are still fighting about money, are you sure that they have the money that they promised to contribute to your college? Would a full ride merit scholarship be a possibility at any of the colleges you applied to? That would keep their money fights and drama from being your problem.
My daughter did attend school in Manhattan – coming from California - as noted above, she moved without parental help. (Her idea, not mine). She packed as if she was going for a short vacation, and either had me ship more clothes out or bought things as needed locally. (Turns out that they have stores in Manhattan that sell stuff like toothpaste and shampoo. Who knew?)
Dorm rooms are pretty small, especially urban campus dorm rooms. Bringing a whole lot of stuff is not particularly helpful- it just clutters up the room and is more stuff that has to be put in storage or carted home the following June.
@calmom , I don’t think that the OP meant the parents “need” to be there, just that they would definitely “want” to be there. My husband and I aren’t divorced, but I am sure that our daughter is well aware that we both wanted to be there to drop her off.
And to the poster that insinuated that telling parents to be civil for the kid’s sake is a no brainer, I don’t agree with that. Not every parent knows that college move-in could be stressful for a child. Heck, I would think that the kid would be so über excited that she wouldn’t even notice the drama between me and her father. Sometimes putting that thought into someone’s head can help guide their behavior somewhat.
And if you still think that everyone should already know this, don’t be so sure about what you think everyone should know. I once had a new mom ask me if babies pee at night! I never in a million years would have imagined that there was someone out there who thought that babies’ bladders shut down once the sun goes down. Hey, it could save on diapers though!
The OP has basically said that their behavior cannot be “guided.” OP said:
I don’t see that any of us can do anything for this student with regard to the parents and how their relationship affects their child. If it were one of the PARENTS writing in, sure, we could all weigh in and try to make an impression on him/her, but that’s not the case here.
It is a no brainer for parents to know their fighting cause stress to kids and that’s why some parents get divorced so their kids could grow up in a more peaceful environment. For parents who do not care or are still so angry, they are not going to listen to anyone about “it is not about them and they need to behave for the sake of the kid.” The best way to deal with parents like that is to make sure they are not in the same room at the same time.
As far as babies peeing at night…I don’t think it is unreasonable to assume babies do not pee at night because most of us don’t, so why shouldn’t babies be the same? This is not something one would know unless one has taken care of a baby, but as far as causing stress to kids when parents are fighting, that’s very obvious.
For the OP, since parents are splitting college costs, money isn’t an issue.
however, there have been other posts here on CC where one parent is left with the entire burden of college costs, while the other (financially able) parent takes the “I don’t have to pay support once they’re 18” approach, and darn well that would come into play if there were a struggle as to who gets to do what for things. .
Even when the family is intact and everybody gets along, move-in day can fray nerves – the heat, humidity, the crowded hallways, traffic, parking problems, tight time schedules, physical lugging, disagreements about why so much stuff really has to be lugged, plus the social/emotional side of it (concerns about making a good impression upon new roommates/hallmates and their families while you are possibly feeling cranky, and while sizing them up at the same time, plus the sentimental aspects of going off to college as a milestone). This is probably not the time to try to force non-congenial divorced parents to turn over a new leaf and begin to get along.
It probably falls to the kid to make some executive decisions about how to keep it simple, fewer moving parts, by thinking realistically about who is best-suited to what (the actual drive and move-in, any parental orientation meetings, Parents’ Weekend, etc.) with awareness to who is paying for what, and who is likely to follow through on what they’re asked to do, and how both sides will feel about it. It’s unfortunate that it falls to the the kid to tiptoe through parental politics and land mines like this, but it sounds like that’s the hand that has been dealt. Yes, this will recur for other life milestones. Maybe it will all become more civil, in time. But I don’t think new levels of civility are likely to be reached on the first move-in day.
You could give you parents options:
"Parentals, I was thinking about college and move in day and the like and here are 3 options I am happy with. You guys can pick one.
-
You both come. You can either both come in the same car or bring a separate car. We can flip for who I drive with or switch halfway (if a long drive)
-
We split up the weekend. Mom drives me up and helps me set up my room and Dad meets me later and takes me to Target to get the last few things. or Dad drives me up and unloads and Mom meets me later.
-
One of you take me to college and the other comes for Family Weekend.
I am lucky to have parents like you so however you want to split it up is cool with me."
Actually, it is, since the parents are still fighting over money. It would not be surprising if one or both of them had a low threshold for threatening to stop contributing to the OP’s college costs, or actually going through with the threat, to try to spite the other parent in some argument (or perception that the OP is favoring the other parent).
Parental money would only be a non-issue if the OP self-funds college (e.g. full ride merit scholarship).
One advice I am consisting giving to anyone who is going through divorce is to make sure funding of college is written in the separation agreement. Some couples set up a separate fund just for kids. My good friend got divorced 3 years ago while their kids were still in college. They put aside a sizable amount of money just for kids’ expenses. They paid kids’ tuitions, travel, room and board out of the fund. Not every family has such option, but it is important to clearly spell out how much each parent is going to contribute toward their kids’ college expenses. Some parents with younger kids do not think ahead, when their kids are going to college they are surprised their ex do not want to contribute anything to the kids’ college or are only willing to pay in-state tuitions.
@oldfort, my comment wasn’t about whether it’s obvious that parents’ fighting causes stress for the kids, I was talking about not being obvious that college move-in is stressful for a kid.
And I still can’t imagine that there are people out there that aren’t aware that babies and toddlers pee at night. Really? Diaper commercials? Bedwetting? Ok then.
I was never around babies until my first born and never changed a diaper. I was shocked how many diapers D1 could go through each day. I worked a lot before kids, so when I was able to sit down to watch TV there were very few diaper commercials during that time.
So one of the things that helped settle this for us was that I was the primary physical custody parent. Their stuff was at my house. Also, I was paying more than my ex. Our divorce was fairly fresh (settled just a few months before D1 left for college). It really didn’t turn out to be a problem, my ex didn’t really WANT to travel across the country and make beds, shop for last minute stuff, etc.
OP, I do like the idea of one parent doing dropoff and the other coming for parents weekend. Tell them there are parent activities both times, and maybe send links to what is going on for both events (use last year’s parents weekend if there is no info yet on this year). Also remind them that you will need help with dorm room setup (making beds, hanging up clothes, maybe sweeping out a few dust bunnies). And you can suggest… how about mom does dropoff, and dad comes to parent’s weekend? I would probably email them both with this idea – gets the same info in to both hands with a chance for them to consider it without the pressure of your presence or (heaven forbid) the presence of the other parent. If the parent who doesn’t get to come to parent’s weekend this year objects, remind them it is going on for 4 years! Very few parents get there for all of them anyway, especially if the school is far away.
OP, do you have a sibling who could come along for dropoff to act as the 3rd person?
I just wanted to clarify the suck it up comment: my parents are going through very nasty divorce proceedings and have been for two years (one had a several years-long affair). They both wanted to be at my college graduation in May, and obviously there wasn’t an alternate day so they could switch off. For my sake, they did indeed suck it up and tolerate each other for the duration of the two days of ceremonies. If you want both of them to be at move in, tell them that the day is about you, not them, and if they want to be there, they have to agree to be civil
@calmom – did your daughter go to Barnard? I think I’ve seen you in other threads. That’s my dream school 
And yeah, I might go with the idea of neither parent helping if it’s across the country. That’s what I’d prefer anyway to avoid all those tears on campus. I definitely don’t need both parents, or even probably one parent, I just know they want to be there.
@ucbalumnus – oh, they have the money. It’s the whole thing where my dad says that my mom “stole” all his money through the normal 50/50 divorce settlement so he should have to contribute less. Also, I have a significant college fund, but it’s nowhere near enough to pay 60k/year for 4 years. My great-grandmother (my mom’s grandma) left it to me, so my dad also thinks that that money should count towards both parents’ half of the cost, and my mom thinks that because it’s her family’s that it should count towards her side. My mom also makes significantly less per year than my dad after being a stay at home mom for a long time when I was little. Btw, I know that my parents can afford private school, but not without a significant lifestyle change on their part. Unfortunately we’re not wealthy enough for this to be a nonissue. It’s all very complicated and I wish I didn’t even know about any of it.
As for merit scholarships – God, I wish. I’ve gotten a few offers from EA schools but they’re nowhere near full tuition. I’m a good student, but I’m not one of those crazy outstanding kids, and the mid- to higher-tier schools I applied to have enough good applicants that a full ride for me would be out of the question. UCs might offer me a little merit aid on top of in state tuition, which is really hard to turn down. Yay Berkeley! I took a class there this summer and absolutely loved it. If by some fluke I have the privilege to have to choose between Barnard and Berkeley, I don’t know what the heck I’m gonna do.
Ah… you aren’t even accepted to the college you will attend yet, and they are still fighting over the money? Keep your powder dry for a while until that is all settled. I wouldn’t bring this up AT ALL for now.
And… I disagree with having no parent there.
See if there is a Bed, Bath & Beyond easily accessible.(I think there are 3 in Manhattan). You can order stuff like sheets, towels, comforter etc. from your local BB&B and arrange to pick everything up at a store near campus. I know a lot of people whose kids went far away to college who used this service and were very happy. After that you may want to store a few boxes and schools generally have arrangements to help with that. And you should easily find drugstores for toiletries, stores for some groceries etc.
“I was never around babies until my first born and never changed a diaper. I was shocked how many diapers D1 could go through each day. I worked a lot before kids, so when I was able to sit down to watch TV there were very few diaper commercials during that time.”
Completely OT, but I wasn’t around babies either. I had a younger sister, but my mom did all the care. A lot of my girlfriends were like me in this regard - we didn’t have any experience with baby care til we had our own. I don’t see what’s so unusual about this. My kids wouldn’t have had any baby care experience (beyond minor babysitting here and there) and let’s hope it’s years before they are taking care of babies 
Another unsolicited hint or two:
We found that “Medium” packing boxes from U-Haul or Home Depot (or wherever) are the exact maximum dimensions of airline baggage. Between those and the bags you fill, then remove all air with a vacuum cleaner, you can get the whole dorm moved in 3-4 of these. Have your accompanying parent take just a carry-on. Fly Southwest, which allows 2 50# pieces per person. Take only personally meaningful decorative stuff and high-value stuff. Buy the rest, the commodity stuff, there (Manhattan or Berkeley).
Second option- send stuff two weeks ahead. Greyhound bus lines has decent pricing and sometimes runs specials for college students. Ship to the school and pick it up when you get there. It really does take a week or two for the luggage to make the trip, though.
Moving in on your own is no big deal, unless it makes you lonely. If both come, it is only awkward during waiting times when there is nothing for parents to do with their hands, eyes, minds, and everyone is in the small dorm room. Tag-team, either on the day or alternating visit days, is a reasonable option.
Merit aid at a UC is usually very sparse and requires very top credentials. Good luck with this all. You are one of many going through it.