“I just wanted to clarify the suck it up comment: my parents are going through very nasty divorce proceedings and have been for two years (one had a several years-long affair). They both wanted to be at my college graduation in May, and obviously there wasn’t an alternate day so they could switch off. For my sake, they did indeed suck it up and tolerate each other for the duration of the two days of ceremonies. If you want both of them to be at move in, tell them that the day is about you, not them, and if they want to be there, they have to agree to be civil.”
response: I’d love to attend your graduation and help you move in to college, but only if there is no interaction with your [other parent]. If there is any likelihood of running into your [other parent], then I’ll just wait for a safer occasion.That’s the only way we can avoid problems. Let me know the arrangements when you have worked them out, one way or the other.
" My great-grandmother (my mom’s grandma) left it to me, so my dad also thinks that that money should count towards both parents’ half of the cost, and my mom thinks that because it’s her family’s that it should count towards her side."
If your great-grandmother left the money to YOU, then your parents should split the costs between them AFTER that is applied. If your great-grandmother left that money to your mother, and you mother is voluntarily choosing to spend it on your college costs, that’s your mother’s contribution, counts as out of pocket for her.
By the same token, if you attend a state school in one parent’s state, they do NOT get to claim the difference between in-state and out-of-state tuition as if it were an out of pocket contribution. At my state flagship (UVA), for example, the OOS tuition surcharge is literally as much as the entire IS cost of attendance. That counts for nothing. (Not debating here whether the higher cost of living here means it should count for anything.)
Be wary of the meaning parents attach to supporting you. “If you want to treat me like a stranger who isn’t putting you through college, then I won’t put you through college. Everything will line up nicely that way.”
The OP said the divorce was very recent, so both have been the custodial parents for most of her childhood. Usually teenagers aren’t particularly amenable to parent’s preferences when it comes to custody and visitation schedules – they tend to make their own preferences clear and call & visit the parent who they are not living with on their own time.
For purposes of FAFSA, one parent will have to be designated “custodial” – but in terms of the divorce settlement the designation probably doesn’t mean much beyond figuring out tax status, and the OP probably has a somewhat equal relationship with each – and if not, the imbalance would probably stem from factors unrelated to the divorce.
"You know your mother and I have a hard time being in the same room after everything that has happened. Of course we will both be at your high school graduation, even if we run into each other and it is uncomfortable for us. We brought you into this world and we will see you off to adulthood in a positive way because we are adults ourselves.
As for moving you into college, it seems that a lot of schools have students to help the new freshmen. How about you go down with your mom and I come visit in a month or so (or during parents’ weekend)? That way you’ll have some nice time with each of us separately to show us around your school and introduce us to your new friends."
“Custodial Parent > Non-Custodial Parent every time.”
Sadly, that’s how it often works out in the child’s mind, unless the PC is diligent about making sure the child sees both parents as equals.
Then the child goes on college visits to schools he really likes, with the preferred (custodial) parent, that just happen to be more convenient to the preferred parent.
Then the rejected parent refuses to pay for the school that now symbolizes the rejection, partly because sending the child there would only help solidify the preference for the other (geographically closer) parent.
This progression never ends well.
It is likely that one parent feels he or she got royally scrod over in the divorce. It is also likely that a child will have admission offers to several reasonable schools, and that the parents will have different hopes about where the child attends. If one can be happy and get a good education at any of the schools, then attending one that the rejected parent prefers can go a long way towards repairing relations and incidentally also get that parent fully behind supporting you.
“If your great-grandmother left the money to YOU, then your parents should split the costs between them AFTER that is applied.”
I think if the great-grandmother left the money to OP then OP should get to decide when it is to be used. Perhaps OP wants to go to Grad school. OP could save the money and use it then.
No divorce here but I can tell you if a someone left one of my kids money for college and then kid told me I should pay for they to go to undergrad and then they’d use their money for grad school I’d tell them tough toenails! How do I know they’d go to grad school anyway?
Same with their 525 accounts, they are expected to use scholarship money first and their own earning too. We hope some of the 525 money it the oldest account will be able to roll over to younger siblings. Kids need to use their own money first and then we will help as needed and as we can.
My parents were first-generation Americans. They would not know what to do with themselves if they had to go to parent events. I got dumped off and possibly a goodbye. No hugs. No kisses. No “I’ll miss you”.
None of my parents saw any of my dorm rooms. I could have lived in a heckhole and they would not have known.
To be honest, whoever is custodial in terms of where you stay the most could be the one you should torque off less. But if you move between their houses, that could be difficult to determine.
One reason my spouse and I had a wedding with only two witnesses provided by the town was the extent of divorces in his family. Literally we started thinking about a guest list and it became “well, so-and-so doesn’t want to be there if so-and-so goes” etc. I don’t ever recall seeing his parents in the same place at once except his college graduation, and they both talked about each other in the third person and wouldn’t even say hello.
All of these suggestions/postulations are just that. Neither parent has asked to help her on move in day. Move in day is assumedly in August. If the divorce is recent, August may be quite a long ways away compared to how long they were divorced as of this date.
The only real worry the OP has is that she’ll have someone to help her on move in day. And that is easily solved, when she graduates HS, she has June and July to pose a question like this to each of them:
“I was thinking about move in day at college. I’d like to know if you would be available to help me if I need it, like drive me to school.”
But honestly - will the OP have stuff that she wants to move from both parent’s houses? If not, is this even an issue? Because it is one thing to ask for help actually at the college, and another to have dad stop by mom’s house and actually walk in and out carrying things. Or vice versa.
If the divorce is new to everyone, I don’t think move in day will be the biggest hurdle in the near future. Good luck.
I may be older than you think, at least in spirit … I have “Advanced Maternal Age” stamped in red on all my OB records, I think of Eckerd and Florida Presbyterian as the same thing and that it’s odd that New College is really
a state school …
at least it’s better than a row ***** implying something vulgar
Whether a new SO is brought along, particularly if that new SO caused the divorce.
A third party never “causes” a divorce. The cheating/restless/unhappy spouse does.
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LOL…when I wrote that, I knew someone would point out the obvious…yes, of course the cheater is the cause…I was just writing short-hand. I should have noted that.
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get your point and of course have seen some bitter divorces among people I know, but I think the expectation should be that the parents will act like grownups for the sake of their kids. If they can't commit to that before taking their kid to college, then one of them can go and they can alternate other events going forward. It's really not that difficult.
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It’s just that the “close quarters” of a dorm room, and the likely “comments” and “corrections” that might come up as to what to put where or how to store stuff or whatever, will likely become a breeding ground of “digs” and what-have-yous.
Keep in mind that some of these folks weren’t able to hold their tongues in front of the kids DURING their marriages, much less later.
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" My great-grandmother (my mom’s grandma) left it to me, so my dad also thinks that that money should count towards both parents’ half of the cost, and my mom thinks that because it’s her family’s that it should count towards her side."
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lol…and likely if it was “dad’s granny” that left the money, he’d have a different opinion. Technically, granny is putting up some of the mom’s share. That money was never community property.
I don’t know how that should be handled. It may depend on how the money was left and what the court order states about college costs.
This is an odd situation. If there wasn’t this money left to the kid, and then the parents had to each pay 50%…but then one of mom’s relatives offered to pay some of the cost, then who would then argue against the idea that the money is going to help pay mom’s half?
If the parents incomes are NOT equal, then that may also come into play.
OP…how exactly was the money left? Was it put into a 529 in your mom’s name for your college? If so, then it’s a mom asset.
this doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well money-wise.
College move-in is a hugely stressful and confusing time. Even with intact families, family members are likely to get irritated with one another and there tends to be some bickering. As soon as the kid arrives there are also a bunch of other expectations, as well as the desire to meet and get to know some other students. Some of the things that parents say and do can be acutely embarrassing to the college entrant - more so if the parents aren’t able to contain their own squabbling and snide comments. It’s just not the a particularly good time for family-anything.
Parents who want to help their kids with move-in really need to recognize that is what they are doing: providing a transportation and moving service, not attending a family celebration. The best thing a parent can do is leave promptly once the stuff is unloaded and unpacked.
Parents who are romanticizing the event of sending baby off to college are probably misguided – it makes a lot more sense to have separate celebratory events ahead of time. The OP can have one parent be the mover, and can schedule dinner out with the other parent the night before she leaves for college --the parent who gets the dinner date will be the one who is getting the better end of the deal.
OP will be home again in the blink of an eye, for Thanksgiving or winter break. It’s not a “goodbye forever” type of event.
And the parent who stays home on move-in day can be give a Skype tour of the dorm room one the other parent heads home.
I think move in day is going to be least of OP’s problem. He/she is going to have to navigate through which school he/she is going to (parents may not agree) and who is going to pay for what.
Probably the OP should get back to us when he knows where he has been offered admission, and can say what his parents’ reactions were to the different schools. Maybe Dad says he wants to help him move in, but wants nothing to do with it when he finds out OP plans to go to a school which Dad dislikes (not naming any schools here, but everyone has favorites…).
I am in a similar situation. My parents can be “civil”, but that usually involves them just both being awkwardly silent and ranting to me about the other one later. Both of my parents are also remarried and I have step-parents and half siblings on each side. My tentative solution (depends on where I end up going) is that one of them (probably Dad) will move me in and the other can come either a few days later or for family weekend. This is just what I had in mind, but obviously it depends on your situation.
“Technically, granny is putting up some of the mom’s share. That money was never community property.”
These two statements are not related. If granny left the money to Mom with instructions to use it for OP’s education, then it is attributable to Mom’s share, because it’s Mom’s money. If granny left the money to OP (possibly held in trust by Mom?), then it is not attributable to either parent, it is OP’s own money.
There is no basis to excuse one parent from contributing, but not the other, just because OP received a windfall inheritance. It is important to distinguish exactly who owns the inheritance.
“lol…and likely if it was “dad’s granny” that left the money, he’d have a different opinion.”
Not if he’s honest, no he wouldn’t.
“This is an odd situation. If there wasn’t this money left to the kid, and then the parents had to each pay 50%…but then one of mom’s relatives offered to pay some of the cost, then who would then argue against the idea that the money is going to help pay mom’s half?”
I would argue against it. If the relative wants to help Mom, they can give the money to Mom. If the relative wants to help OP directly, then it has nothing to do with Mom.
“this doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well money-wise.”
If granny left money for college, parents should have this set aside for college. I suspect parents have not agreed on how to contribute to college nor was it addressed in divorce as has been the new trend.
Part of the problem is that OP is feeling the effects of the divorce; maybe feeling overlooked - when some families try to make move in a big happy deal, OP is already concerned about move in. Many people do not have the two parents there helping move in, so do not feel ‘shorted’ if that is going to be your move in situation. My brother, sister, and I (HS graduates in consecutive years) all started new to college at the same time. Due to sis’s last minute change of college (somewhere parents had never seen, and due to sis’s health issues) brother (who took a gap year) moved in with friend’s ride/help. As a 17 year old, I drove the ‘kid’s car’ to our state’s largest city by myself (I had never driven there before; no GPS, no cell phone). Any new experience is a little daunting. The main thing in preparation for college that I remember was getting three towel sets and two sheet sets from JCPenney’s. Students now have more detailed move in lists. As the middle child, I was use to getting overlooked a bit (not much attention) by parents - it didn’t mean I was loved less.
OP, don’t let the divorce strain confuse the fact that your parents both love you. Many divorce situations have risen tensions and hanging on to past issues.
It doesn’t hurt to have both parents thinking about how they are wanting to handle the logistics of college. Many families have not thought out all the college costs and how it will be paid - in part because costs are rising and life costs planned/unplanned. Many have not saved enough (some haven’t saved any) for the kids’ college costs.
My niece had a college fund, and parents agreed (the mom actually made sure it was agreed with the divorce) that each parent contributed 1/3, and the final 1/3 would be niece’s fund or her own working money applied. The mom would make a copy of the bill, write 2/3 deduct, and write the total due from the dad. He paid. However he only has the one child and no new wife.
Many situations get very complicated as the family situation gets complicated.
Also some people want their parental responsibilities to end at HS graduation or age 18, whichever comes later.
I think the real problem is that divorce decrees often say the parents will each contribute half of the college costs, but there’s no limit on the costs - so what may seem affordable to one parent, might not seem at all affordable to the other one.
Anyway, good luck to the OP - it can’t hurt to think about all this in advance - and perhaps by the time the actual move-in day rolls around things won’t seem so fraught.