@alternative33 – yes, my daughter did attend Barnard – and she was absolutely right to fly out without me do the logistics there. She did have a friend in NY she could stay with before Barnard’s move in day – actually the parents of a friend-- so she didn’t have to do it all in one day. Barnard schedules specific times of day for people to arrive to move in - and there is basically a specific drop off point since there’s absolutely no place to park anywhere near the dorms. I am not sure that my daughter could have managed without the local friend part – but NY hotels are so expensive that it would have ended up costing a lot of money if I had traveled with her. Since both my daughter and I were taking out loans to meet our EFC, the cost of 1 or 2 nights in a NY hotel on top of a round trip ticket was not insignificant to us.
If you do get into Barnard, you might still want one parent to go with you - my daughter was a seasoned traveler who had visited NY twice on her own previously, once to visit colleges in the fall, and then another time for admitted student events in the spring. She was also admitted to NYU & Fordham – so she had more than one campus to visit. But the whole move-in thing is very stressful and hectic --more so in NY/Barnard because of the way the dorm is structured. It’s not like a suburban campus where things are spread out. So you might talk to your parents about logistics – it would be much better for them and for you if whichever parent has a greater tolerance for frustration come with you to the school, and then ask the other parent to come out to visit you on parent’s weekend. It will be more pleasant for each parent and less expensive as well.
Of course Berkeley would be entirely different – but if your parents are both in northern California, then it would make even more sense for the move-in and visits to be staggered. One parent could go with you on the official move in day-- bringing essential stuff --and the other parent could come to visit you a week later, maybe bringing extra stuff that you didn’t need to have immediately, after you have had time to unpack and settle in (and figure out what you have room for). With Berkeley you could plan for more frequent, but separate, college visits as well.
Sometimes with a divorce you just have to tell each parent directly that you would prefer to schedule separate time with each of them so you have the opportunity to have one-on-one time. That really is better all around and give you the opportunity to strengthen you relationship with each one, rather than being put in the middle of their squabbles.
I had TONS of baby experience because I had siblings who were 10 and 13 years younger than I. I babysat tons, fed them, changed hundreds and hundreds of diapers, so I knew when I had my kids that it would be a piece of cake.
WRONG. Turns out that changing a diaper is just one little thing, easily learned, and being a parent to an infant is a whole other ball of wax when you are the one responsible 24/7. My arrogance was very short lived! It probably ended the first day, when I tried to breast feed and found out that despite it being “natural” to breast feed, it definitely doesn’t necessarily come natural.
You basically learn as you go, no matter your prior exposure via babysitting or having younger siblings.
I just wanted to clarify the suck it up comment: my parents are going through very nasty divorce proceedings and have been for two years (one had a several years-long affair). They both wanted to be at my college graduation in May, and obviously there wasn't an alternate day so they could switch off. For my sake, they did indeed suck it up and tolerate each other for the duration of the two days of ceremonies. If you want both of them to be at move in, tell them that the day is about you, not them, and if they want to be there, they have to agree to be civil
[/QUOTE]
I don’t know how you worded it to your folks, but if it was something like," You either be civil or you can’t come, then … "
That said, a graduation is different than a tiny dorm room. At a graduation, people can sit far away from each other…and if other family and friends are there, they are also a buffer…but in a tiny dorm with ONLY the 2 angry parents, that is a different situation. .
I am in the process of furnishing a weekday apartment for myself while I work at a new company few hours away. I am getting everything shipped via Amazon. They will deliver right to your apartment (dorm). I even bought a platform bed through Amazon. I would advise OP to just bring clothes and laptop, get everything else online or locally.
Just as a thought, if you do end up going to a school cross-country, you might actually WANT to spread out those family visits for your own morale. It would be nice to have a parent join you half-way through the term for a weekend, whether on the official parents’ weekend or not.
^^^
That is very good advice. And if the student is going cross-country, then likely the parents will have gone to significant expense to travel and be there…so having their own weekend may be preferable rather than splitting one.
In my experience, there is very little time when you are actually alone with your child during drop-off. When we dropped off our D, our D’s roommate’s family was there as well, and it was constant activity, talking with the other parents, meeting people in the hallways and having the peer mentors show up at your door to introduce themselves. And then there are organized meetings, tours, concerts, meet-and-greets or ceremonies where parents have to walk across the campus green and ignore each other, or not attend at all if they don’t want. Unless your parents are really, really uncivil and can’t act human in front of other people, there’s not much time to interact, let alone argue and be nasty with one another. While my W and I are happily married, I was constantly sent away to pick something up from the store or park the car or take something down to the garbage dumpster. Other times, I just said that I would go to the parent mixer while they stayed back and continued to unpack. Meals may be awkward to manage, but the parents should work that out with each other. Maybe Dad can have dinner with you that night and say goodbye while mom can stay over and say goodbye the next morning. I obviously don’t know what how bad your parents’ relationship is, but the process is so well managed at colleges today and focused on moving in and orientation that you may be overly worried about the few moments alone with both parents. Also realize that the schools have very detailed schedules printed out and provided months in advance that you can go over with your parents individually and you could literally put a D or M next to each event to plan ahead.
That’s key…you were sent away by your wife to do various errands, because you were happily married. If you weren’t happily married, you may not be as inclined to do what’s asked. Many divorced parents will purposely do the opposite just to upset the other person or would refuse to be bossed around by the other person.
Regarding getting stuff once you get there - often colleges will schedule a bus trip to some local big box stores to go shopping.during freshman orientation.
@alternative33 - First of all, kudos to your parents for wanting to be there to help you move in. It’s not the physicalness of helping move in that is beneficial but just that they are there for you on a day that is a new step in your life…a real step into adulthood.
Since they both seem to have the attitude that they want to be there for you, then they should be receptive when you say to them this - “This is a big and important day in my life. I want very much for both of you to be there. You need to figure out how to be civil to each other, and that’s on you. But, you WILL be. If that means one of you does one thing while the other one does another thing, fine, but there will be no bickering or tension or anything of the sort on that day. If you can not agree to this, then I will see you on another day.”
Not so. I would do it under the instruction of my D, not necessarily my W, or I would take it on my own initiative. You’re sitting in a room with bags of garbage and boxes; it’s only natural to break down the boxes and haul them along with the bags downstairs. I take the attitude that any parent who is going to go to move-in day is doing it out of love and to be helpful to their D. If that assumption is right, then there is not a lot of time or opportunity to instigate a fight or make mischief. If that assumption is not correct–and they have other motives/purposes for going–then all bets are off, and you do need to separate their visits.
My ex and I are very amicably divorced but we split up the various trips/obligations when our son started college just because of distance and schedules. I flew him down for his accepted students’ weekend. My ex drove him down for move-in. I went for parents’ weekend and drove to pick him up in May of his freshman year. We take turns paying for his flights home.
I don’t think what happened in the marriage should affect the parents holding it together for their kids. These are people who have to put on a brave face when they go to work, see friends in social situations, etc. They may run into each other if they still live in the same community. Their first responsibility should be to their kids, not their own egos or hurt feelings.
Of course, if we are talking about a really extreme situation such as domestic violence I’d understand–but hopefully if that were the case the offending party would be in jail or have a restraining order against him/her.
I will give a silly exam which just happened recently. D2 went back to school few weeks ago. She moved into an off campus housing for the first time. She is to share an apartment with few other girls and those girls moved in beginning of fall, so the apartment was pretty much set up. In our divorce agreement, I was responsible for D2’s tuitions and expenses until she was self supporting. Her dad took her up to school, and he took her to to BBB to buy few things for the kitchen and what not. D2 called me up to tell me how much she was going to put on the card, and I thought it was a bit much. I asked her to return few pots and pans because her roommates already have those things in the kitchen. D2 wasn’t too happy at first, but she understood. So next thing I knew, her dad went out to buy her chief quality pots and pans. They were so nice that she’ll have to keep them in her room so her roommates wouldn’t damage them. If we were still married, we would have discussed this and had one consistent message. Maybe OP could also use the opportunity to game his parents too.
"Btw, I know that my parents can afford private school, but not without a significant lifestyle change on their part. "
OP- This statement worries me. What if they don’t both don’t want to have a significant lifestyle change? If you haven’t already I would apply to some cheaper instate colleges or ones with automatic merit aid as a back up.
Gaming one’s parents is a skill that children of divorced parents learn very quickly.
You play the hand you’re dealt. Overall, parental divorce is more of a pain in the backside than an advantage, but if you can find advantages, more power to you.
[Note: My parents were divorced. So were my husband’s.]
I don't think what happened in the marriage should affect the parents holding it together for their kids.
[/QUOTE]
I think much of it depends on :
How recent the divorce was and…
If one feels really screwed over (one is now in the 'poor house", the other had an affair, money was unfairly split, etc)
Whether a new SO is brought along, particularly if that new SO caused the divorce.
If one of the spouses has a mental illness, addiction or other impulsive disorder (then really all bets can be off)
Whether both sides wanted the divorce
Since a number of divorces are caused by selfishness on one side or the other, we shouldn’t be surprised that it may be extremely difficult for some divorces situations to be amicable.
It may be more rare in divorces to have situations where both sides feel that they weren’t screwed over or where one spouse didn’t have something rather seriously wrong with him/her (addiction, abusive, mental illness, depression, etc) which just makes times like this very difficult.
[QUOTE=""]
Custodial Parent > Non-Custodial Parent every time.
Decide which one you’d get better help from: loading, driving, unloading, assembling, putting things away, etc. Ask that parent if he or she can help you with the move in. Explain that you are aware of the high conflict between them and will therefore never pull any Disneyesque tricks of trying to get them to show up at the same place at the same time. (If D1 invited me to something and I ran into the ex without warning, I would definitely turn around and walk out immediately, without saying a single word, and would not be able to forgive her for a long time thereafter.)
Find out ahead of time when parents weekends are other events (such as sports games) are that they each might be interested in attending, and propose a schedule that gives both of them multiple chances to visit you at college without having to deal with each other.
Agree that the the other parent, and the divorce, are topics you will simply not talk about. Be aware that this condition might persist for the rest of your life.
A third party never “causes” a divorce. The cheating/restless/unhappy spouse does.
I get your point and of course have seen some bitter divorces among people I know, but I think the expectation should be that the parents will act like grownups for the sake of their kids. If they can’t commit to that before taking their kid to college, then one of them can go and they can alternate other events going forward. It’s really not that difficult.
And as an aside, most colleges now enlist current students to welcome the incoming freshmen and help them move into their dorms. Many parents get there to find that their help isn’t even really needed. International students manage on their own, too.
They should suck it up and put you first that ONE day. Both should be able to act like adults, at least for a few hours. They can bicker afterward, if they want. on their own time, and I would tell them so, if I were the teen. Honestly, I have little patience for people who can’t put their own differences aside long enough to attend an event for their own child. I don’t care what happened. Consider it an Academy-award performance, if you must, but DO IT FOR YOUR CHILD.
Some teens want to be alone as quickly as possible and others want you to linger. Whatever YOU want, as the child, is what should happen.
