<p>I wanted to ask this question to parents as it seems you could give me the best answer. I go to college roughly six hours away and I have a very independent life. I have a great friends at school, I'm doing research, and going in to my senior year. My mother has been flipping out on me saying that I don't come home enough instead of being happy that I've went out and made a life. I come home for thanksgiving, majority of Christmas break (spend a week with my gf in Chicago before Christmas) and a month out of summer break (once again I spend the majority of it with my gf of three years). I feel as if I'm being an adult and this was her opportunity to go out and do what she wants to do. I don't want to be held up at home.</p>
<p>I think that is plenty! The month in the summer is more than I expect, especially if work and research interferes.</p>
<p>My daughter comes home about the same as you. I am happy to see her any time, but I don’t really pester her to come home more. She does not have much to do here. I am happy when she is happy, and if I ask her to come home, like for her brother’s graduation, she does.</p>
<p>How about offering a few emails or IMs per week?</p>
<p>“I feel as if I’m being an adult and this was her opportunity to go out and do what she wants to do”</p>
<p>That could mean SO many things. One extreme is the student paying all the college, health insurance, housing and food bills, summer included, and parents sizing down to a condo and summers in the Mediterranean.</p>
<p>I would say yes considering I came home at around the same rate. </p>
<p>Only difference was I was home for most of the summers…but never came home for Thanksgivings as that was too close to finals time for my taste. </p>
<p>If your mother is complaining about this when you’re going into your senior year of college, you and/or a trusted adult(father, uncle, aunt, etc) need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about her needing to learn how to let go…especially considering you’re probably already 20-21…well above legal adult age.</p>
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Sure, we may say that you come home often enough. But, your Mom doesn’t feel like it’s enough. So, I’d recommend that you call her more often and let her know what you’re up to. She is concerned about you, for whatever reason (maybe it has noting to do with you at all…) and wants for you to be in touch more. Since it sounds like you are concerned about her, I’d just try to call yourMom more often and let her know what’s going on in your life. Hopefully, she will relax a bit more. Good luck :)</p>
<p>I recommend Skype, it really helps one feel in touch. We saw our oldest for about the same length of time except we got a week at spring breaks and even less in the summer since he had internships on the opposite coast. It’s hard for us to let our kids go.</p>
<p>How often do you call just to chat and let her know what you’re up to?
My son was only an hour or so away, and he came home about the same amount as you are, BUT, he called us every week, whether we needed it or not. 
We just wanted to hear how he was doing. The calls were 10 minutes out of his life.
He’s been out of school for two years and still calls on the weekend. I look forward to it. We rarely bother him about stuff during the week because we know we’ll hear from him soon.
Now that he’s older, he seems to actually be interested in how WE are! Amazing!</p>
<p>When I read OP’s post, I definitely get the feeling that he’s the center of his world. What is going on in Mom’s world? </p>
<p>Like OP, I galloped through senior year and rarely gave a thought to what my folks were doing. They were static in my mind (always had been there, so I assumed they always would be there). I didn’t realize my mother’s heart disease was worsening. She died at age 54. </p>
<p>OP’s mom may be the picture of health – but you don’t know that unless you ask. She may also simply wish for a little receiving instead of so much giving. If you zoomed home for a week and busted your tail doing trash runs, mowing the lawn, painting the bathroom and regrouting the shower tiles, you’d be giving Mom a chance to sing your praises to all her relatives and friends. Are you, instead, only taking $$ and not giving back?</p>
<p>For a real chance to earn happy points, go home by yourself for a couple of hard week’s labor and then have GF down for a week with the notion that GF is in on the plot to sweeten Mama. Fix dinner for Mama every night. Ask her opinion on things. Get her to tell the family history to GF. Do a family project, like make a family website or scrapbook. </p>
<p>Do I hear the sound of groaning? Well, look at it from her viewpoint. She’s spent years of her life sacrificing for you to get ahead (even if you are from a wealthy family, she could have spent tuition dollars on herself). She loves you and is proud of your accomplishments and wishes you well. But what does she have to SHOW for all this sacrifice? </p>
<p>Please know that parenting has some comparison aspects. Mom may not care that the neighbor’s kid earned a PhD and MD while on a full Fullbright (or some other over the top combo) – but she’s at least like to have an entry in the “What’s new with your kid” conversation at the neighborhood BBQ. Saying “Tony was home a month last summer” is pretty sad pickings. </p>
<p>Do a scientific experiment (as you state you are a researcher). Devote some energy to physical things that she can SHOW as tangible proof of your love (the painted bathroom, the family recipe book you produced in elegant fonts, etc) and see if the tone and temperature changes.</p>
<p>Why not use skype as an appeasement? It’s not inconvenient to take 15 minutes out of your week to chat.</p>
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<p>It’s called being a parent. If you don’t want the sacrifice, then don’t have kids.</p>
<p>I just wanted to say I do call once a week and usually speak for a hour or two. I tried to hold a conversation, but she doesn’t like my gf for some reason. If I attempt to speak about her she just ignores me. Also she lives in a brand new town home so there is not much to do to the home when I come home. Also I do pay for some of the college. I footed the bill for summer tuition considering that my scholarship does not cover summer. My father also pays for the majority of my cost although he makes less money over all. I could attempt to call more, but I’m not sure what to talk about when I’m spending time with my gf considering she doesn’t want to hear about that.</p>
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<p>An hour or two a week is more than enough. You are doing all the right things and you have nothing to worry about. Sounds to me she is just taking out her dislike for your girlfriend out on you.</p>
<p>You can show a little interest in your mother’s life, even if you fake it. It’s called being an adult. Do you ask HER about what’s new, her feelings, how other relatives are doing? </p>
<p>Mine only came home Tgiving, Xmas and spring break and we all thought that was fine - but clearly her feelings are hurt someplace in the process.</p>
<p>My sense is your mother is worried about losing you to your GF, not the amount of time you are spending at home. Does she have a good reason? Or is she just jealous because she feels you are putting your GF above her. </p>
<p>My older one has a long distance BF. She lives in NYC by herself. We know she likes to be with her BF, but whenever we are coming into town, she would rearrange her schedule to be with us, and sometimes she’ll tell her Bf not to visit so we could have some family time. We do like her BF, so we usually don’t mind having him around.</p>
<p>What’s going on with your mom maybe just a normal separation process. She is going to have to get used to the fact that there is going to be a woman in your life who is more important than her, but you guys may want to think of ways to make your mom feel more comfortable. You only have one mom, but until you get married, GFs are like buses, one leaves and there is always another one right behind it.</p>
<p>Sounds like what she’s complaining about is not that you’re not spending enough time with her - it’s that you’re spending too much time with your girlfriend that she doesn’t like.</p>
<p>And there’s nothing you can do about that. Keep calling her, come home when you can, make the extra effort whenever you can. Whether she honestly doesn’t like your girlfriend or is feeling jealous of the time you spend with her (instead of spending it with your mom), she needs to let go a bit. </p>
<p>My mom was incredibly overprotective, but the only college summer I spent at home was my first one. Otherwise, I stayed at school, for a job and an internship. I came home Thanksgiving, Christmas, and spring break. I was home in the summer for a week or two at the beginning and end. And my parents were fine with that.</p>
<p>My son spends very little time at home (he just completed his third year in college), but he does communicate regularly with us. Right now, he’s got an internship in the middle of the Pacific, and while loading data into a program, he likes to g-chat me and find out what’s up at home, how his grandparents are, what’s new in the community, etc. Last night, he wanted a few addresses so he could send some postcards to family members. </p>
<p>Sure, we would love to see him more often, but he’s now an adult. He has lots of friends. He loves to travel, and he has some money to travel. We’ll see him for about two weeks this summer, and then, not again until Christmas time. He knows we’re a phone call away. </p>
<p>Call home regularly or skype/g-chat. Just do your best to keep the lines of communication open. Also, encourage Mom to get involved in some new projects. Now that my kids are older, I can help out more with some things in our community.</p>
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<p>What makes you think the OP hasn’t been doing those things? If anything, the mere fact he’s made this post makes him far more likely that he does…possibly to excess. </p>
<p>That’s a lot better than many undergrads/young adults I knew…including myself. </p>
<p>However, in my case, part of that was cultural/family dynamics. Calling home too often* and/or asking too much about family/parents feelings in my family would have been interpreted as either excess prying and/or signs the child concerned is being too clingy and not independent enough. </p>
<p>Interestingly enough, just had a similar discussion about this with a client who expressed some concerns that his 14 year old daughter is “not independent enough” because she’s still reluctant to walk down to the corner grocery store to run errands by herself in their very safe near-suburban NYC neighborhood. A near complete opposite of her older sister who started to sneak taking subway trips on her own without fear at a much younger age. </p>
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<li>More than once every 2 weeks.</li>
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<p>Yes, cobrat, we are more than aware that any issue in your life gets run by your plethora of extended family members and that their opinions drive any move that anyone can take any move on anything. It’s always, always “what do my relatives think” with you. Don’t you ever get tired of not being able to form your own opinions without defaulting to having to survey the relatives? And also, is there nothing that your plethora of relatives don’t offer opinions on? Because really, I don’t find that people offer as many unsolicited, harsh opinions as your relatives seem to.</p>