<p>Next week I will be going home after completing my freshman year of college at Mizzou! Naturally I have a lot of mixed emotions. I am sad to leave friends here, especially my awesome roommate who is like my Siamese twin, and the dorm room that has become my home. But I am excited to be with my family again, have the comforts of home and see my friends from high school. And obviously the one summer course I am taking is going to be much easier than my 15 hours this semester!</p>
<p>My questions are: From a parent's point of view, what was the adjustment like when your college student returns? I know I have changed a lot, which was inevitable. I am more independent and I really like having my own schedule and ways of doing things. I eat when I want, sleep when I want, do my laundry when I want. But now I am rejoining my family and of course I have to be respectful of the way things work. When I was home for Christmas break, I had a great time but I felt like a guest at times... like everyone else was in sync and I was seperate. It was frustrating, as was my parents attempts to tell me what to do, but since it was only for a month I just deferred to them without any protest.</p>
<p>But now, its going to be three and a half months at home, and I feel like that is a very long time for me to "play along", when the truth is that I have been doing exactly what I want - including partying and staying out late - while at school. I don't want to disappoint my parents or cause them stress, but I am worried there will be tension when they tell me when I should be home or that I can't do something. My parents are very conservative and strict and when I was in high school I didn't go out at all and I was actually grounded a lot for things like talking back or being late to school. Are they going to try to ground me? I feel rude saying this, but I don't feel like its reasonable for them to discipline me when I have been completely taking care of myself for 8 months. And I'm embarrassed to say - but I hope you guys will have some insight - that I am going to be reluctant to help with the family chores just because for a while now I have just been doing my own chores when I feel like it and when I was home on breaks they didn't ask me to help out often, but I'm sure this summer they will.</p>
<p>I'm sorry this is so long but the gist is - was it hard? Did it go back to "normal", meaning like it was before they went to college? What was your biggest struggle? Do you have any advice to make it not horrific?</p>
<p>I think communication is key. Your parents should be able to tell you what they expect of you and you should be able to let them know what you would like to do. Each family is different. If my daughter is home she and I share the cooking because she likes to cook and she knows how much I appreciate her help. Keeping a house in order should be everyone's responsibility shouldn't it? </p>
<p>I expect my son to get a job, call if he's going to be late, do his own laundry and help around the house when he can. My daughter always has her summer job lined up early, does her own laundry, helps with the meals, calls when she's going to be late. Now that I think about it, all adults are expected to work, keep in touch and help around the house. That seems reasonable doesn't it?</p>
<p>And an equally good reply by kathiep. Keep in mind that while you have been on your recent mind expanding journey, your parents lives have changed very little, with the exception of not having you around regularly (esp. if you still have younger sibs still at the house).</p>
<p>You'd show your maturity and responsibility level in its best light by respecting the house rules and helping out. Relative to partying and staying out late, look at the example you will set for the younglings at home. Know that while you were able to make up your own rules while living away at college......you are not living away at college.</p>
<p>Relative to staying out and partying, communicate with them of your intentions. M & D, I'm planning on staying out past 2. Don't wait up for me. They still may. Don't come home with a drunk on (and especially dont drink and drive), pee all over the bathroom floor, and leave your clothes in a trail to your room where they can find you sleeping til noon.</p>
<p>Understand that there is a certain way that adults run their household, while at college you ran yours, your way. Perhaps many conflicts for how they run theirs. I hate to sound like my mom and dad here but...as long as you are living under their roof....</p>
<p>If you don't feel that you can do this, your best bet is to stay at college, I'm sure many cheap sublets available during summer.</p>
<p>Will you be planning on working during your summer break?</p>
<p>I don't think you've really been conducted your life without any sense of responsibility or consideration for others at college.</p>
<p>When there were chores (shopping, laundry, etc.) that needed to be done, you did them, right? If your roommate had an early class, you went to bed early or took yourself and your noise elsewhere, didn't you? If you were sharing facilities with others (whether it was the bathroom or a computer printer), you were careful to plan ahead so that you could get your turn in time to accomplish whatever you needed to do.</p>
<p>It's not that different at home. Sure, there will be chores to do, and as a member of the household, you should expect to do your share. You're going to be eating some of the food; it makes sense that sometimes you should be the one to do the shopping or the cooking or the cleanup. You're sharing space in your home with others; it makes sense that you should help to keep it tidy. And if your parents have to get up early in the morning for work, of course it will be expected that you will come home at a reasonable hour the night before and keep quiet so that they can get some sleep. On top of all that, if you're sharing the use of a car with other family members, all of you will have to try to be efficient about your errands so that the others can have a chance at the car and all of you will need to keep each other advised about when you need the car and where you're going (and this is every bit as much of a pain in the backside for your parents as it is for you).</p>
<p>What you and your parents both need to watch out for, though, is slipping back into high school patterns. I have a son who is a college junior, and I can tell you that this happens very easily. Sometimes I will slip back into the old pattern of fussing over details of his life (such as reminding him that he has a dental appointment -- something he would obviously have handled on his own if he were at college) and he will slip back into the old pattern of letting me take the responsibility (for example, he'll forget about that dental appointment until I mention it to him). This is silly, and it can take some work to overcome it.</p>
<p>herecomesthesun
are you as cheerful as your name? :)
First of all, if you are living under your parents roof for 3 months, I'm sure that you would want to help around the house. Chores don't have to be a drudge; if tackled with the right attitude, they could be a bonding activity. If I am weeding outside with my son, or cooking with my daughter, it is an opportunity to chat, laugh and learn. They may resisit, or have something "better" to do, but I gently insist, and in the end we have a good time. You should be a responsible family member. I would be horrified if my kids came home from college, and spent ALL their time outside the house, or in their rooms. </p>
<p>Gently remind your parents that you are 18, and have become independent and responsible, and lay down some ground rules that both can agree to, related to not having curfews, or restrictions on your social life. At the same time, offer to do things around the house, participate in family events, just sit and chat etc. Your parents probably missed you a lot this year, and they would love that.</p>
<p>Do you have a part-time job at least? That would be one way to prove that you are responsibile. I am sure that they too have 'grown' while you've been away.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your advice! Chocoholic: Yes, I'm pretty cheerful :) though as you can tell, I worry a lot too!</p>
<p>Almost all of you asked if I am going to have a job - I am actually going to be working my butt off! My mom thinks I am crazy for undertaking as much as I am, which is an internship Tuesdays and Thursdays, nannying a 2 year old Mondays and Fridays, a night class Tuesdays Wednesdays Thursdays, and a part time job on the weekends. So I'm basically working three jobs and taking a class. I'm going to be so busy and so exhausted, which might be a good thing because I won't just be sitting on my butt at home all the time, but then again I feel like when I am home all I will want to do is sit on my butt! But that wouldn't fly with my family.</p>
<p>Mostly, I am just worried because when I was in high school the dynamic was very "We are the parents, always do as we say even if you disagree", and for the most part I went along with that. But even though I have been being responsible and considerate of others for the past year, I have been making my own rules, and I guess its just going to be frustrating for me if they act like that year hasn't happened and I haven't been out on my own. </p>
<p>I know that communication is important but I don't know how to bring it up without stressing my mom out or causing tension. I don't want her to think I don't respect her, and I especially don't want to make the impression that I have become this huge party girl at college, because that would seriously break my very religious parents' hearts. </p>
<p>Anyway, I intend to contribute to the household and behave responsibly, so hopefully it will be an okay adjustment. I'm mostly just concerned what I am going to do that first time my mom asks where I'm going, and its a party, or tells me to be home at midnight and I know that isn't going to happen.</p>
<p>Wow!! That sounds like 2 plates full. Summer is a time to also relax a little, and I hope you have some down-time too. It's important.</p>
<p>You are probably worrying too much, and in advance of anything happening. Your parents may have already 'let go' to a large extent. Even if they haven't, and if your mom starts questioning beyond what is reasonable, you should stay calm and have a nice chat. Something along the lines of....."Mom, I know that you worry about where I am and what I am doing, but you shouldn't. You have raised a responsible daughter, with the right values; and I am 18 now, and would like to make my own choices. You really shouldn't worry, because you raised me right". </p>
<p>Maybe even send her a Mother's Day card that has words praising her parenting skills or something.</p>
<p>When my D went to college 2 years ago, and told me that she was dating someone, she added," Don't worry Mom, he's the kind of person you yourself would have picked out for me. You will like him." And that warmed my heart, and put me at ease right away.</p>
<p>Hey, I'm sure it will turn out well and you will have a great summer. You sound like a great daughter!!</p>
<p>I have a feeling there is going to be an adjustment for my D as well when she comes home on the 11th. She is going to be taking one summer class. Although it runs M-TH, it's only an hour and forty five minutes. I want her to be able to relax (a lot), as I know she worked her butt off this past year, but I don't want her to have too much time on her hands either. I'm going to suggest a summer job or I have a feeling she is going to be extremely bored, thus, we are going to get on each others nerves. :)</p>
<p>The one thing I require from her is to obey the rules....she cannot stay out past a certain time.</p>
<p>I was a very strict mom and my D was a late-ish bloomer. She grew up/loosened up considerably at college (which I expected). But she also handled college really well. Really took good care of herself and got good grades. Dealt with minor crises with aplomb.</p>
<p>I realized it would be ludicrous to reassert "total control"-- and also figured that it would just alienate her and make her never want to come home for the summer again.</p>
<p>So, when she came home last summer, I took her aside and proposed we have just a couple of easy rules:</p>
<ol>
<li> Be safe (the basics-- sober driving, stick with a group, etc)</li>
<li> You tell me: what time do I start worrying if you aren't home?</li>
<li> Do nothing in this house that would set a bad example for your
younger brothers.</li>
</ol>
<p>I pointed out to her that I live by the same rules; that basically these rules equate to considerate cohabitation and personal responsibility.</p>
<p>She agreed with the plan. I could tell she was relieved; she'd been worrying about the adjustment too. We had the best summer ever. We got much closer! You cannot imagine, from the Mom's point of view, how NICE it is to say, "Phew! I'm 'done' with that kid-- and she turned out great!"... and to have your daughter become your ally and friend!</p>
<p>
[quote]
I don't want her to think I don't respect her, and I especially don't want to make the impression that I have become this huge party girl at college, because that would seriously break my very religious parents' hearts.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I am a very religious parent myself, so I think I can relate. As you have said, you aren't planning to live differently at home than you did at school (in regards to partying, etc.), so your mom and dad are going to figure out what's going on. You need to show your maturity by being honest with them. If you are a huge party girl, or even a little party girl :-) , then that's a choice you have made, and you need to be willing to be honest with them about it.</p>
<p>That said, you will be living in their home, and they have the right to make the rules there. If they say, "no coming home under the influence of alcohol", then you need to decide to either go along with that, or find somewhere else to stay. It's not right to say, "that's not going to happen". It's fine to talk to them about it, explain your perspective on things (why you plan to stay out later, for instance), and try to win them over to your point of view, but in the end, you need to abide by their rules.</p>