Do I Send My Depressed Child to Boarding School?

So my daughter has been having a lot of trouble the past year. She just finished her sophomore year of high school. She was fine for the first half of freshman year until she started dating a boy that my wife and I did not approve of. He was a distraction that was taking focus off of her academics, tennis, and friends. He was also a very bad influence because he would often yell at her, treated her poorly, would flirt with her friends, etc. My wife and I forbade her from seeing or talking to him and blocked him on her phone but she still found a way to meet up with him and their break up was very messy. The break-up occurred at the beginning of this past sophomore year. Since then, her grades have slipped, her tennis performance has decreased, she has extreme anxiety about school, social life, etc. and often says she does not want to live anymore and hates life. She even began cutting but we put a stop to it very quickly. We have sent her to a psychologist, talked to multiple doctors, have her on anxiety medication, but nothing is working. She hates leaving her room, barely sleeps, and yells not only at us but her brothers. We are at a complete loss at this point. We have tried everything but nothing is working.

At this point, I feel that the best thing for her is to send her to boarding school. I feel as if being at home surrounded by all these negative influences is not helping her get better and back on track. She attends an elite private school on the Main Line (Philly metro) and we feel that being surrounded by her friends and all the negative memories is taking away from her focuses on academics and what is truly important in life. I feel that sending her to a boarding school would help. But I am also afraid that if we send her away, she will find it difficult to make friends, readjust to her new environment, and possibly go to the lengths such as harming herself. We also will not be able to have full supervision on her and we do not want a repeat of what happened with that boy. I was possibly thinking Lawrenceville because it is only an hour from our house.

I am also afraid to tell my wife this suggestion because I feel as if she will think I don’t love my child, I’m giving up on her by sending her away, etc. My wife is very protective over our daughter. I just don’t see any other viable option and we are NOT sending her to a “nut” house. Her situation has relation put a strain not only on my wife and I’s relationship but has also affected her brothers who are in middle school and we do not want her influencing them.

Sorry for bringing such a negative topic to a positive thread. I just have nowhere else to turn and I am hoping your advice will help with the decision.

Thanks!

@brock24 I am so sorry to hear about your daughters struggles. In my opinion, boarding school is not the solution you are looking for. Boarding school life can be extremely difficult for a child that has had any emotional issues before attending. We have had 4 kids attend and watched many of their friends leave due to mental health issues. It sounds like you are desperate to help your daughter get back to her old self and as a fellow parent, my heart breaks for you and your family. In my opinion, attending boarding school would only negatively impact the situation.

OP, I’m so very sorry that your D is having such a hard time. Is there an option other than BS or her current private school?

Also, FWIW you may want to post your dilemma in the Parent Cafe - over the past few years there have been other parents who have posted threads similar to yours and I think they were able to get a lot of support from posters who had been there before.

Hang in there.

Agree, can she switch schools without leaving home? Is that what she wants? I have some concerns about your post – “we put a stop to that” regarding her cutting implies that you think you have a level of control that you don’t have. She is a sovereign human being. Have you tried family therapy? I’d suggest it before trying boarding school.

No decision like this should be made without working with your child’s therapist. Your child should not be sent away with unresolved mental health issues, especially when suicidal ideation and cutting have been concerns. Since you live in an urban area, perhaps a different high school while still living at home would be an option.

Treatment needs to be a priority for now.

BS sounds risky to me, especially because many will have started as freshmen, and this could be stressful for your daughter. And nobody will know her well enough to spot danger signs. I’d also look for something more nurturing - not a pressure cooker like Lawrenceville. A different day school near you might work. Talk to her therapist to get ideas (whether single sex, less conformist, etc) You’re in an area where there are many options.

Dealing with mental illness is stressful; consider getting help/support for yourself so that you can help your daughter. It’s almost impossible not to be affected when you’re trying to help, and these issues develop intractable dynamics of their own.

I would add to what @NorthernMom61 said by noting that the Main Line Inter-Ac type of schools like Shipley, AIS, EA etc are chock full of parents who obsess on status, achievement etc. Don’t let the pressure of that milieu encourage you to ship your daughter off to boarding school to avoid working through the difficulties as a family. I don’t think you can make your daughter’s struggle someone else’s problem without doubling the risk to everyone. Your counselor will know best. I get the sense from the words you chose that it might be a good idea for all three of you to have professional guidance. I wish your daughter well; broken hearts, frightened parents, suicidal ideation are good reasons to come together no matter how tough the slog.

Hugs to you, OP, this sounds really tough.

I’ve not had to deal with these issues in our family so I state this knowing that it may sound naive. I’ve had 3 separate sets of friends handle an issue like this in different ways:


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One transferred their kid out of the elite private school where she was desperately unhappy (not with the school, necessarily, but just life) and went to an urban, lively public high school junior year where 1) nobody really had time or energy to even look at her and 2) she was able to remake herself. She is now a sophomore in college and looks at that decision as her turning point.

Another transferred their kid to a school out of state that was well respected but not an elite school in any way. This kid seemed to flourish once she was away from her family…her family was great…but they were so nervous and so scared for her…and there was so much anger…she just felt better (and so did they) with the distance.

Another sent their kid from one elite private school to a boarding school…the girl did not flourish…dropped out of high school…though she recently earned her GED.

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Anyway, there’s likely no real answer here…only questions.

+1 on gardenstategal’s advice to look for a more nurturing BS. I wouldn’t consider Lawrenceville (nor most of the BS commonly mentioned on this site) to be as nurturing as your daughter might need at this point in her life.

FWIW, I don’t think going to a BS would necessarily be a bad thing…it’s a fresh start, no preconceived notions of who your daughter is/no “baggage”. But yes, it also will bring its own challenges. Most of all, your daughter has to want to make the move.

Note that pretty much none of the “more famous” boarding schools will have openings for a transfer junior for Fall 2016 at this point.

Finally, friends of ours sent one of their kids to a therapeutic boarding program and it was a great move for all involved.

I agree that BS is not the answer. I know exactly the area you are referring to and in fact I know several mental health professionals who are employed full time due to the pressure in some of those schools. I also have experience in a BS in that general area.

Unfortunately some of the public schools in that area are just as bad in terms of pressure.

If you would like names of some excellent resources in that area please PM me.

Might you have access to a therapeutic day school or residential treatment center that emphasizes academics and college-prep along with the theraputic treatment?

I agree that sending her to Lawrenceville would not be a good idea.

I do, however, think changing schools could help, maybe, especially if the boyfriend still attends the same school. Is there a different private day school in the area she could attend? Or would you consider sending her to her local public school?

Or perhaps the whole family could move to a different town, and thus change school systems? Changing schools could give her the opportunity to start over in the teen social world, without the history of the really bad freshman relationship.

Realistically, there is no way you can stop her and her old boyfriend from contacting each other, with social media. Even sending her away would not do that, unless you sent her to a really strict, no internet sort of place. She is also old enough that you can’t just decree things. Is she seeing a therapist? What does the therapist think?

First things first, though, you must talk things over with your wife. A united front is necessary, no matter what you both decide. Are your parents all healthy? Could there be other family reasons to move house, other than your (well founded) worry for your daughter?

Brock24 wanted to go to Princeton not long ago and was worried about grades. I doubt he has a D.