An article yesterday raised a question I have been thinking a lot about. How much influence do AND SHOULD parents expect to have once kids leave for college? This article on NYTIMES.com suggests we still have a big role: "Parents may feel their influence on their incoming freshman has waned to almost nothing, but research suggests they can still play a significant role in mitigating risky behavior. http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/08/17/for-freshmen-campus-life-poses-new-risks/
It’s your checkbook.
My kids ask for advice all the time, more when they are away than when they are at home.
I suggest never saying “You shouldn’t be coming to me for advice about things like that. At your age, you should be handling this situation on your own.”
My father did this to me once, and I never asked him for advice about anything again. Ever.
I don’t think the power of the purse has any bearing in this article. The article just says to keep the communication lines open even after the kids are away from you. Discussing the consequences of risky behavior is always good. It isn’t meant to be moralizing–it’s more of “be careful out there.”
I liked the suggestion of opening an Uber account for your new college student.
I agree that is more keeping an open channel of communication. In my case as the kids moved through their teen years we gave them more and more autonomy, reigning in if we saw poor judgments and then letting the controls loose, rinse and repeat. By the time they left for college we expected them to be able to navigate and manage on their own and they knew that we respected their need for autonomy and that we would still keep those communication lines open so they felt comfortable enough to seek advice when they needed plus with us asking enough questions that they knew we were still watching over them and had reasonable expectations…more ongoing open dialogues. It is never uneventful parenting and most parents are nervous that first year of college even if they have raised kids who are able to function autonomously. I virtually held my breath with all 3 boys their first year of college even though I felt confident they could be successful. That is being a parent…and it never ends.
Influence on what?
Well, I think the “influence” is that your kids still respect your opinion about life in general if not their own.
Or they may respect your opinion on some issues but not others.
My kids knew that I couldn’t advise them on their majors or careers because they’re in fields that are unfamiliar to me, but they would ask me for advice on medical issues, bank accounts, leases, and other aspects of basic adult life.
You know you’re the parent of a college student when you get sent a photo with the question “Does this cut look infected?”
I talked to them a lot about mitigating risk. We’re open when it comes to talking about a range of things. I’d say the talks before college helped best of all. That got them thinking. But that - and continued talking- did not stop some hair raising experiences.
Ha, Marian, we got the “look at this cut” pix, too.
Photos have many uses.
During one college break, I nagged my son about how he was overdue for a haircut.
When he got back to campus, he went out and got his head shaved and sent me a picture, with the caption “Satisfied now?”
(Actually, I was satisfied. He looked great that way.)
True; my father’s use of it many years ago led me to disregard all of his advice during the years I needed it most.
I think the influence we have during the college years is built in the eighteen years before that. Roots and wings, my wife always says; that’s all we can really give them. If you haven’t led them in the right direction all their lives, nothing’s going to help during college; if you have, all you need to do is be the parent you’ve been.
IMO the key is having an open line of communication with your child.
I think it’s more along the lines of making sure you shift gears appropriately as you and your kid need it-from authoritative to more of a support role. If you know how to give good advice without being judgmental about the person asking for it, they’ll continue to ask you for it (I think that goes for most people, not just your kids).
Eventually, you will also find yourself receiving (and perhaps taking) advice from your kids, too.
My 30-year-old son and 27-year-old daughter (and her 29-year-old fiance) know much more about some things than I do. I can learn from all of them just as they can learn from me. And perhaps that’s what we all want as our families mature – a network of adults who can all learn from each other.
We found the best way to maintain communication was by 1) sending care packages; and 2) sending photos, usually silly ones - one was of the crazy tiger socks my husband was wearing (school mascot is a tiger) and others of our kitties. If we say the Cats want to Skype it usually happens sooner. We rarely received answers back to a straight text question, but almost always opened a text conversation with a crazy photo.
I guess it depends on what type of influence you mean. I want my kids to develop autonomy, but know that they can use a bit of guidance. I can give reminders and advice, but if my daughter decides to ignore my reminder, for example, that she needs to contact the credit union to let them know that she will be in a different state, and then her debit card is declined at the check out counter, she will learn how to deal with it (happened.) Better to learn those lessons now. Ultimately I want her to be able to be able to fully function in the world without me, but for her to know that I am here for her while I’m still here.
On the other hand, I know a family that pulled financial support when their daughter received a grade less than a B. I think that is harsh when a student is new to college. But different families have different values.
I expect my daughter to learn a lot of new ways to grow in college, with academics her primary focus, but not the only one. This summer she wanted to go visit a friend in another country, and we told her we would figure out how to support that cost, because it would have been a great experience, if she 1) took a required course in community college at the beginning of the summer; and 2) worked at a summer job for two months first, as she needed the money. She did not find a class in time (she would have if she began looking earlier), nor did she look for a job early enough. Oh well, she took it in stride, did take the class and work for the summer, but missed out on the travel. We didn’t make a big deal of it, she understands that we meant what we said about the requirements for our support, and next time I’m sure she will look earlier.
I don’t want to dictate her major, but have handed her a chart on how learning to code can help greatly increase her future earnings as a graphic designer. “Advice from authorities” tends to sink in better than from Mom.
I have to wonder how often “Because it’s MY money and I said so!” really works without buring bridges or at the least, causing long-term resentment. It certainly didn’t work between my ex and my two older kids, whatever the reason he held his money over their heads like a sword. They are long-grown now, and on decent, but not close terms with their dad. I can’t help but wonder if he’d have stopped to TALK to them instead of waving his money around, things would be different.
I asked my parents for advice up until both of them passed away. Of course, being an adult, I was perfectly free to ignore them, but I did listen, and often, they were right. Luckily, though, when I was a snotty teenager or entitled college student, they didn’t pull the “it’s our money card” at me. I suspect we would not have been so close later on if they had.
What I have done with all three kids is to keep the conversations going, the lines of communication open, and ask that they at least listen to my viewpoint even if they disagree. I believe that is key to the fact that they are closer to me than their dad, and it saddens me that he has lost out on that closeness.
My H and I do not always agree on the finer points of raising our D, my youngest and his only, but as she settles in at college, the message has been that she can always call for help or advice, and that there is nothing she could say that would cause us to cut her off (within reason, though I don’t see her becoming a career criminal). In return, we expect her to do the right thing, keep in touch, and do her job, which is to get an education.
Accept the inevitable diminish of your parental authority and start building on lifelong friendship while you can. Start treating the kids as equal human beings while you still have the authority. It will make them better adults, and you will earn their trust that you are worthy of being their friend.
Try to hold on to the illusory parental authority that you have already lost, you miss the precious chance to develop the priceless friendship between you and the kids.
Beside, advising them as a friend is the more effective way of influencing them than ordering them as a parent or manipulating them with money.
@sseamom, this is key for me, too: “the message has been that she can always call for help or advice, and that there is nothing she could say that would cause us to cut her off (within reason, though I don’t see her becoming a career criminal)” (except in my case, it’s “they,” my two daughters).
I actually have a few relatives who have had more than their share of scrapes with the law. Their mother’s handling of it has allowed us all an opportunity to see that you can LOVE your child no matter what even if the way you show them that love is by visiting them one weekend a month in jail.