Do parents help their child find the college for them?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am wondering if any parents helped their child/children find their college or did you leave it entirely up to them?
With me, no one helped me. Not my mom or my dad who frankly doesn't give a damn about me.
For two years I said I wanted a private school and then I found the one I wanted to go too. My parents weren't in the search it was all up to myself.
Once I declared and applied then we found out we couldn't afford it, my dad "Well what do you expect it's a private school." wow thanks dad for telling me we can't afford it now.
And my mom acted just as oblivious as I did.</p>

<p>No one persuaded me or encouraged me to apply to any CSU's, nothing like that.
So now I am home stuck for a semester- maybe a year.</p>

<p>So is this entirely my fault?
Or should parents help their children go on the right path to their future?</p>

2

<p>Alyssa: I am sorry that you had to go through this alone, without any parental guidance. </p>

<p>I believe that it is part of parental responsibility to help guide the process, let the child know what can be afforded, and answer any questions. </p>

<p>In my case, I encouraged my son to broaden his reach of schools to apply to (his original goal was the local state college), and now he is happily located 400 miles away from us at a UC. </p>

<p>If you can’t get your parents to help with guidance, please take full advantage of the guidance counselors at your community college/CSU, etc. You don’t have to go through this alone.</p>

3

<p>It is not necessarily anyone’s “fault.” In a perfect world, you would have had parents involved with you in the college search process as well as an active guidance counselor at school helping you with these decisions. But now, you need to figure out where to go from here. Are you home and working or going to community college? Luckily, you have found a great forum (try regular parents’ forum, rather than the parents’ cafe for even more input). Are your parents willing to pay for any of your college? If so, how much? If not, then you need a more economical plan. I am sure if you post your situation, grades, test scores, what you think you might want to major in, what type of location (urban, suburban, rural) and size preferences, that people will pipe in with suggestions. </p>

<p>Luckily, this year, colleges and universities are supposed to put up net price calculators (sometime this month) so that you can get at least a rough idea of the actual cost based on your income, grades, etc. This might help you cross off the schools that are over the top expensive.</p>

<p>A number of us are from CA, so you can get some specific suggestions also if you want to stay in-state, both about privates and publics. Private schools are not always more expensive than public schools, by the way. Much depends on the particular school’s stance on financial aid, their endowment, etc.</p>

<p>On another note, please use this fall or year to your advantage. Even if you are home and working, find something that will add to your knowledge of yourself. Volunteer in an area of interest, delve into a hobby that you didn’t have time to pursue in high-school to the level that you would have liked, conduct informational interviews with professionals in fields you might be interested in. Or, if you have decided by default to go the community college route, also use the next couple of years to really plan what you want out of the last two. </p>

<p>Take care and wishing you the best!</p>

4

<p>OP, I see from your other threads your brother attends Fresno State. I find it hard to believe noone mentioned it would be a good idea to apply to some CSUs.</p>

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<p>My opinion is yes, I helped my D, but no blame attaches if a parent does not. Obviously you know your parents best. But you indicated your mom was oblivious too. So how would this be her fault? It would have been nice for your Dad to point out the financial limitations of your family, but it could have been ignorance too as to whether you would get sufficient financial aid from a private. Some privates end up being cheaper than public universities with the packages they offer. (WAAYYYYY long ago it was cheaper for me to go to USC on a scholarship than UCLA or a Cal State.) So the problem was that your pool of colleges was not broad enough. It happens in life sometimes. So you pull up your socks and move on- instead of focusing on shoulda, woulda, coulda.</p>

6

<p>

Rather than playing the blame game let’s look at what possibilities exist to avoid this situation - </p>

<ul>
<li><p>Ideally the parents would be involved and those parents would be knowledgeable about the available colleges, the financial aspects and realities, and the concept of safety, match, and reach colleges. The reality of it is that not all parents are knowledgeable, not all of them are willing to expend any effort, and some are even biased against college. A lot of parents who haven’t gone to college themselves either know little about it or have the attitude that ‘they did okay without a college degree’ so therefore the kid doesn’t need one. Even some parents who went to college are fairly clueless about the process.</p></li>
<li><p>Most schools have a guidance counselor assigned to the student. Ideally the counselor will schedule a session with the individual and review the plans and guide them but in some large public schools this might not happen. In the event this doesn’t happen the student s/b able to schedule with the counselor and discuss the subject although some counselors are clearly better than others in this regard. This takes initiative on the part of the student.</p></li>
<li><p>Most schools have college info sessions for both the students and the parents. Both should take part in these sessions but this also requires some initiative to do so.</p></li>
<li><p>Sometimes parents of other students, and sometimes other students themselves, can be a resource. I’ve provided info before to other students and other parents who weren’t aware of some of the info I had. This happens all the time on CC as well.</p></li>
<li><p>Students of today have almost limitless information available to them at their fingertips through the internet. It’s not difficult to understand what’s required for various colleges. The UC system and CSU system have lots of info available as to admission requirements and how one fits according to the SAT/GPA stats of accepted students and the individual’s scores. There are sites like CC with a wealth of knowledge and lots of other info. The student would be well served to give up a bit of that Facebook time to devote to something as serious and life impacting as college. Again, although it’s not difficult it does takes some initiative.</p></li>
<li><p>Students and parents need to quit sticking their heads in the sand when it comes to college costs. The bottom line is that it has a cost and someone needs to be able to pay for it. This means that in addition to the academic match there needs to be the financial match and a plan in place. There’s no point to having all hopes pinned on a particular expensive school when there’s no possible way to pay for it. This should all be in the open with the cards on the table so everyone knows what the deal is and both sides need to accept the reality of it. </p></li>
</ul>

<p>It seems that parents would generally have more experience and be able to guide the student who, after all, is usually only 16 or 17 and with limitied experience at the time of applying to college but the reality is that some parents ‘don’t’ have the experience, may not have relevant experience if they’re from another country, may not have the motivation or desire to be involved, and may purposely avoid the subject entirley because they don’t want to pay for any of it. Sometimes it’s the student who needs to educate the parent. But in the end we don’t get to pick our parents so we need to work with what we have, educate the parents, seek guidance from knowledgeable people other than parents sometimes, and importantly, look out for yourself since it’s your future at stake.</p>

<p>So don’t worry about blaming yourself, your parents, or anyone else. You have a learning experience here. Set your eyes forward and have a plan for what you’ll do next and make sure you have both the academic and financial safety and match plans in place.</p>

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<p>I completely feel for this story. I’m in my 30s now. I have a son going to college in two years. He actually seems to have no urgency which panics me. So it maybe the opposite I’m the one forcing him to start researching and making choices. I find information and pass it along to him. I’ve laid out the cards how much we could afford. We’re a middle income Asian family. With very little disposable income to spend on higher education. We could definitely swing loans, but it’d be a burden. I’ve laid out the cards to my son and explained debt how much he’d like to carry etc. Letting him make the choices. He’s actually really bright and I just keep praying he’ll swing some merit aid. I’d like to keep the loans under $10k a year.</p>

<p>But based on my research (we live in CA), even if he got into Berkeley it’d be a stretch and he’d have zero aid. So he’d be looking at $27k worth of debt per year. Which is insane. When I went to SF State it was like $1800 a year. Just for comparison.</p>

<p>My upbringing, was similar to yours. My parents divorced raised by a loving mother and step father. But they never told us to go to college. My mom thought everyone could be like her. Work hard and hit it rich. She told me if I wanted to go to college I’d have to pay it myself. So I never went. 2 years down the line saw the value, grandfather passed away left me a little bit about $10k to go to school. So I went to a JC and worked my way up. Here I am earning okay money at a federal government job with a BS from SF State in Business.</p>

<p>My two cents, I made the decision myself. Didn’t let my mom hold me back. Worse part is my younger sister about 8 yrs younger. They encouraged college and paid for everything. sigh story of my life.</p>

<p>Sorry it’s very rambling filled.</p>

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<p>OP - I am 57 , a mom of 4 and happily married . My parents also divorced my senior year , and no one helped me at all . I often wonder how my life might have been had I had parents who cared . I went to SF State U , and found a nanny job with room and board , that allowed me to go to school during the day , as long as I was home by 3 . So I made it work ! Looking back , I still managed to have a lot of fun . Perhaps you can find a similar type of job . I was independent at 17 ! I learned alot being on my own .</p>

9

<p>Alyssa, can you take some classes near home if you are still there next semester? You could make some progress with community or state college or university classes, or through continuing education at any school, or even with online courses. Not only would that avoid a lot of wasted time, but it could reduce costs in the long run. Just a thought.</p>

10

<p>I think parents, especially if they went to college, should suggest schools to their kids.</p>

<p>Ultimately, the kid has to decide which school to go to, and of course, is free to come up with his or her schools to put on the list, but parents have THIRTY YEARS of experience that you don’t have. They should help. But it is partially your fault. Nothing stopped you from talking to guidance counselors, asking for advice on CC, talking to your favorite teachers, buying the US News rankings, etc. etc. etc. And I think most kids know that you should apply to some of your local state universities.</p>

<p>My kid routinely rejects suggestions I make about what colleges I think he should apply to, but I notice that the ones that are at the top of his list are all ones that I initially recommended to him. He forgot that I recommended them to him. But that is fine.</p>

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<p>“but I notice that the ones that are at the top of his list are all ones that I initially recommended to him. He forgot that I recommended them to him. But that is fine”</p>

<p>Same here. I feel so good about it.</p>

12

<p>Alyssa - sorry this happened to you and happens every year to many, many other kids. Did I help my S find colleges he would like? yes. I also helped him find colleges we could afford. He applied to a mix of schools and got accepted to many, most with merit because of the work I put in researching schools ahead of time. It stinks you did the college search/app think alone. My biggest complaint to my S’s school guidance dept was that they did not tell kids to figure out finances FIRST. IMO, nothing should be done before you know what you can afford. Afterwards, go ahead and apply to those reach schools/dream schools where you might or might not get enough aid to go to. If you get in and can’t afford it, it is OK because you have also applied to to other schools you know will probabaly give you good merit and you would love to go to. Love thy safety. So don’t feel badly about the the lost opportunity. Make good use of this time and research, research, research schools that will give you the aid you need.</p>

<p>Good luck to you. </p>

<p>BTW, my S is not at his first, second or third choice. But, he is at a school that has exactly the major he wants, exacly the courses he wants but he choose that school over others because of all the aid they offered. He told me when he made his decision that there was no way he would give up all that free money.</p>

13

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<p>So you only applied to one school? In 2 years you never looked at the cost of attendance or financial aid pages? I’m sorry, but it seems that you must have had friends, guidance counselors, info packets on financial aid, etc. in addition to the wealth of info online…so is it really fair to blame mom and pops for not doing something that you could do yourself? You made a mistake in not applying to a range of schools, but it’s one many other students have made and will continue to make. Learn from it, move on, and find your niche at an affordable school. Good luck!</p>

14

<p>OP, it’s not entirely your fault. I can’t imagine many 17 year old students who, entirely on their own, know how to search for a “fit” college, read and understand budgets, figure out how to obtain need based aids, and apply for merit based scholarships etc. I am sure some cc’s children are like that, or their parents present them in that light, but they are not you. You have the parents you have, not the parents you should have. Make the best of your semester/academic year. Learn what you need to be doing and moving on.</p>

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<p>When I was a kid, my parents told me to interview at Lafayette College. I loved the school.
I got in. I decided to go there. The next morning, my parents told me that they had reconsidered over the long night, and simply couldn’t swing the enormous tuition at a private college, and that I had to go to a state university.</p>

<p>You all might be interested to know that back in 1973, I think the tuition at Lafayette was $5,000 a year, while the SUNY tuition was $2,000 a year. So the numbers today are literally SEVEN TIMES as much.</p>

<p>Anyway, the moral of the story is that I agree with what was said in a previous post, and that the costs of going to a particular school are an integral part of the decision whether even to apply to that school. As another post said, what is the point of applying to UC Berkeley if the even relatively “low” $20,000 tuition is an enormous amount for you. Parents should not even suggest schools to their kids unless the parents are actually willing, in the end, to pay for the kid to go to those schools.</p>

<p>And today, I face the very same issue. Whether to send my kid with 34 ACT scores and 2300 SAT scores to the state university, or instead, have him to apply to schools that cost $50,000 a year, a figure that we don’t even come close to being able to afford.</p>

<p>If you do your homework, you will find that there are about 10 very good schools out there that don’t cost an arm and a leg, even if you are out of state. Not Ivy League, but still pretty decent.</p>

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<p>I find there is a great reluctance on the part of public high school guidance counselors to confront the question of college cost. The guidance counselors may feel, understandably, that getting into finances with students and their parents is a violation of privacy. But the colleges compound this problem by sending out glossy promotional material proclaiming their colleges as “affordable.” The message is that anyone can go to the college of his/her dreams, and it just isn’t so. There needs to be some counterpropaganda from guidance counselors to help students and parents know what the situation really is.</p>

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<p>^^ But the couselors don’t need to go into private details concerning costs. They can keep it generic and point out what the costs are, including the cost of attendance and how to find that for any college, what ‘meets 100% of need’ means in reality, what the FAFSA is and what it means regarding costs (I can’t tell you how many other parents I’ve spoken to, including college educated ones, who have no idea what the FAFSA is), what the various loans are including what a student could get on their own vs needing a cosigner for, alternatives available such as doing the CC then transfer route, commuting vs dorm, OOS vs in state, special programs a college might have for certain scholastic achievement, and other alternatives.</p>

<p>They should also point out that not all colleges have the same cost and they can vary wildly and how sometimes a private with a higher sticker price can end up less expensive than the lower sticker price state U.</p>

<p>They can also point out the realities of grad school, med school, law school, and the like so the student (and parents) can have an understanding of that potential cost hanging over their heads.</p>

<p>None of this requires delving into the personal details and I’d expect most counselors wouldn’t have time for that anyway. The above can all be done in a group setting making it more feasible but of course to do any good it’d need to be attended and people would need to pay attention. Some or all of the above is already covered by some but not all schools do as good of a job in this area as others but it often comes down to the students/parents themselves - if they’re not present they’ll gain nothing.</p>

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<p>OP, it is too bad your parents did not step in and guide you at all. If they were aware of the types of schools you were looking at and never said a peep about paying for it being a problem, I can see how you may have gotten the impression that cost was not a huge issue. I really think they dropped the ball big time.</p>

<p>That said, a lot of parents drop a lot of balls! We all mess up. Maybe they had some kind of fantasy that you would get huge financial aid or scholarships, especially if you are a good student. I remember LOTS of people telling me, when my D was a HS freshman/soph/junior that she would probably “get a full ride” and that schools would be fighting over her. </p>

<p>That gave me an impression that cost was not as big a factor as I’d feared. Her guidance counselor recommended only private, top-tier schools. Luckily I DID get involved and do research. Otherwise, my D would be in your situation!</p>

<p>Try not to be too mad at your parents. It sucks, totally, that they weren’t upfront about the budget. Now you know. Look for some places that are more inline and apply for next fall. Good luck to you!</p>