<p>Be frank with yourself: Do you make your kids take too many APs, of which they aren't even passionate about; make them take SAT test prep in middle school; make them study in a superfluous fashion? Think about it: Does it really help develop your child's independence as a free-thinking individual? </p>
<p>Personally? No, no, no and no. </p>
<p>I’m awful. My kids have pretty unstructured lives. They go to a good college prep high school (no APs), and somehow manage to keep track of deadlines, homework, etc. I do ask them how they do in tests etc, and jokingly ask them what happened to the last 2.8% (or however close they get to 100%, and if they get over 100%, I ask them why they didn’t do better). It’s all in good fun. </p>
<p>Test prep? Nah, I’ve trusted my oldest to be ready for the SAT when he thought he was ready. He took it this year as a sophomore and discovered he needed to work on CR a bit (2110, no prep but I do think his CR is out of balance). If he does then great. But standing over him with a whip isn’t my style. </p>
<p>But what you seem to be really asking is whether we are micromanaging our kids to their detriment. It’s a great question. </p>
<p>Thanks. I myself am a sophomore who is highly ambitious but cannot stand parental micromanaging of their children. Independence breeds leadership. </p>
<p>yes</p>
<p>No. As parents, we’ve spent all of D’s life trying to get her to relax. She’s a brilliant girl. Very gifted but also very intense and a painful perfectionist. We used to set timers so she wouldn’t over-do it on homework (turning a 2 paragraph assignment into a 3 page essay.) We were the family that pulled our kids out for family Disney trips and unique learning opportunities. We barely acknowledged report cards. We gave her a huge amount of control over her education and when she made a mistake in her initial choice of high schools, we encouraged her to go an alternate route and she’s thrived in a challenging environment absent of AP’s and mountains of repetitive and pointless homework. We’ve encouraged her to be involved in the activities that interest her but we didn’t stress when she put down the violin after 8 years and becoming the youngest first violinist in the junior symphony history. Now she only plays fiddle tunes with her grandpa and that is OK. She has other interests and she pursues them fully even though they don’t win her awards. </p>
<p>Is she still a little stress-ball? Yep, you bet… but she doesn’t have an ulcer. She didn’t try to kill herself like her cousin junior year. She sleeps 8 to 9 hours a night and smiles most of the time. Sometimes, we still have to talk her down when she gets really wound up and anxious about some flaw or mistake but where that used to happen every few days… now it only happens every few months. I consider that progress.</p>
<p>OP, just move out of the house, buy a car, find a job, make your own cash, pay for your own gasoline.</p>
<p>Total instant independence, and free-thought. That was easy!</p>
<p>I do not put any pressure on my two kids. My older D chose her own classes with her guidance counselor and removed herself from honors Spanish after deciding she hated it. I never asked her to study for tests and never reminded her to do her homework. Of course I did not behave this way throughout elementary school and early middle school. I started to gradually pull away half way through 7th grade after I realized that she would be going off to college without me and needed to be independent. It worked out nicely because she is away at college and is doing great. </p>
<p>D15 ( hs junior) is a very different kid. Very very smart ( not that her sister is not), never gets below an A+ in any class ( AP etc), very intense, huge perfectionist, etc. She puts a tremendous amount of pressure on herself and regularly gets emails from her teachers asking her to please put her books away. She studies and works very hard, is passionate about a variety of issues, and is highly highly driven. I don’t bother her except to make sure that she stays emotionally healthy during times of high stress such as SATs and finals, etc. She also chooses her own schedule with her guidance counselor. She happened to pick a senior year course load that prompted her GC to say," I guess you won’t be having any fun senior year." This comes from her 100%, not me. </p>
<p>@twogirls I have an older son that used to be similar to your junior (actually less so now). I personally saw that drive, while great to have, as potentially a bit self-destructive if not controlled - I do note that you are aware of being emotionally healthy. However, I think actual real fun, outside academics, is important in life. I stepped in with my kid and whenever he was about to turn down something fun to study (he already had straight As) I would tell him get out of the house and enjoy himself. He thanked me every time he came back. That was in high school. </p>
<p>He even called me from college once about a trip he wanted to take with some friends, but was concerned about work. Again, I sent the money, more than he needed, and said have fun on the trip. He had a blast and started going on much more. He now does go out a lot more and is just loving it. And the best part, he still has As, as a dual major at a #1 school - he got into both #1s, which I suspect your daughter will too. I am glad I did that because he now has the best of both worlds - kick butt academics and tons of fun at the same time. </p>
<p>Yes I agree about having fun. My D plays three varsity sports ( she loves this) and stays after school every single day to participate in activities when sports are not in session. She also loves to bake and will take an hour off of studying just to make brownies. She is also an active member of an outside organization ( non academic). I completely agree that there must be some down time. </p>
<p>Cool. It would be funny for her college essay to be on the importance of baking brownies. With her academic record, they would eat up that essay. No pun intended. 
</p>
<p>I love that idea LOL!!</p>
<p>No to all your questions.</p>
<p>I read to them when they were babies & did the “play-mozart-music-to-them-to-help-them-with-IQ-thing” , that’s about it :)</p>
<p>But honestly , no, they took some AP classes & choose their own EC. </p>
<p>I pushed my second child in her sophomore year when she seemed to be slacking off and hadn’t really committed herself to much of anything at school. All of a sudden this, her junior year, she woke up and took leadership positions and started working very hard in her courses, and her grades made a dramatic improvement. This year she’s feeling a ton of pressure from her advisor, her teachers, and her peers, many of whom are discussing which Ivy League schools they’re applying to. I now get to play a role I like much better-that of the supportive and reassuring parent, telling her she’s doing everything we expect of her and that she needs to be a little less hard on herself. I get to tell her that everyone makes mistakes and she can’t expect every grade to be an A. This is much more fun than nagging.</p>
<p>Well, “too much pressure” is a relative term. We have not pressured out kids, and compared to some of their friends and classmates they are complete slackers. Never took the SAT until their Junior year, took/take as many AP classes as they wanted. They were/are involved in a lot (I think too many) of extracurriculars. One kid self regulates it all by falling apart if he is too stretched. He recognizes his own limits. One seems to just skate through everything with ease, no matter how much he takes on. He sets his own course, and has (so far) always done well. Our one remaining high schooler still needs to be told, “If you add X to your life you are going to have to drop something else.” She doesn’t want to recognize that she has limits to what she can add to her plate and still do well.</p>
<p>We live in an area where there is unhealthy pressure put on some kids. It is cultural and driven by neighborhood, parental background, peer pressure, and is worse in some high schools than others. (County-wide public school district, all high schools offering the same curriculum.)</p>
<p>
I’m curious, OP. Are your parents micromanaging you, or are you responding to what you perceive to be the case with other students? </p>
<p>Yes (youngest), but it’s debatable whether it’s too much, and she has no trouble telling me she won’t be knuckling under to my demands. </p>
<p>Oh, HE!! no (oldest). Have often suggested to that one that she blow off a test or skip a practice. She never does. Looks at me like I’ve got two heads when I say it, too.</p>
<p>Not for me. My older daughter takes care of everything herself. We give a little bit pressure on the younger one so that she would not fall too much behind others. We never intend to push them to the top of the top. I did regret a little not asking my older daughter to take a couple more AP though as it seems she has the ability to take up a more rigorous course load. Anyway, it is more important to keep them to have interest in studying. Instead of taking AP Lit and AP Psyc in senior, I suggested the Humanity (literature and social science) to my daughter and she really enjoys the class.</p>
<p>Too many APs? lol, not possible at our school since so few are offered.
SAT prep? I would never pay for it in HS never less middle school.
“Make” them study? Not sure that is even possible.</p>
<p>Love this thread! I think this is one of the biggest challenges in parenting. Each kid is different - so how much do you push? When do you let them fail? Best advice I ever got was from my sister, who raised a whole litter without a single runt. She said we should decide what type of person we would be comfortable sending off to college at 18 - then make our parenting decisions based on whether it would help him become that person. It really helped me achieve the right level, I think. Left to my own devises, I would be way too intense. But I tried to keep in mind that I wanted to send a self-reliant, responsible, ethical, hard-working and kind person off to college in X years, and in order to do that, I had to adjust my parenting. Sometimes that meant pushing one son to take AP Chem for the challenge. Sometimes it meant agreeing with another son that dropping AP Chem in order to mentor high-risk kids at the junior high was a good decision. Different kids, but the goal is trying to get them all ready to fly, not fall, out of the nest.</p>
<p>I don’t think I ever put too much pressure on either kid. My older son found school very easy, and generally slid through getting A’s in advanced classes without appearing to do much work. I did tell my older son he had to take APUSH and pointed out if he did he probably would get out of a history requirement in college (he did). I did not make him take either AP English course. He was a very smart kid who spent hours every day playing on the computer. By senior year many of those hours were earning money as he had a well-paid programming job thanks to the fact that I let him teach himself what he was interested in. He did some academic summer programs when he was younger because he wanted to.</p>
<p>Younger son was not as obviously brilliant, but did quite well. He took almost as many APs as his brother and had more varied interests. He also spent a lot of time playing on the computer - not as productively! By senior year he was earning money from a hobby of making tiny origami cranes and turning them into earrings. He didn’t take the AP English courses either, but was happy to take all the AP history courses the school offered.</p>