<p>This is kind of a silly question to ask in a parents forum. What parent is going to say they put too much pressure on their kids?</p>
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<p>I’m a high school senior here to hijack the thread and I sort of wish my parents had done these things. It’s probably just a “grass is always greener” thing, but maybe I’d be a more upstanding person if they’d pushed me more.</p>
<p>I don’t think much of anyone is passionate about College Board standardized classes, but even if they are I don’t think kids should only take advanced classes they think they’re passionate about. Right now I think I have some vague idea of what I want to do with my life (I’m open to the possibility of being completely wrong), and it’s completely different from what I would have wanted at the beginning of high school. </p>
<p>This is a difficult question to answer. Kids can feel pressure even if it’s not being directly applied–this can be especially true of a younger sibling when the older kid is a top performer in school. We tried to maintain a balance with this–letting the kids pick their own activities, but urging them to do well and–most important–live up to their commitments to others. I think sometimes some nudging is needed when kids can’t see the long-term big picture as well as their parents can.</p>
<p>I jokingly refer to my oldest as my “marginal utility” child. He took challenging courses, but did just what he needed, and no more, to achieve his desired result (usually the lowest A possible). If he could skip an assignment and still get an A, he would. If he only needed an 88 on an assignment and got a 93, he “over studied.” It drove me crazy (especially because HS class rank was based on course score). I pushed him to work to his potential in school, but he ignored me, and I gave up. I stayed out of ECs where he gave 100% and excelled. I have come to appreciate S’s balanced approach to life. He turned out really well.:)</p>
<p>To be frank, I screwed up with D. D has two gears - 100% and 0%. She is an anxiety prone perfectionist. After S, I got overly excited about D’s 100% and fed D’s stress. It induced the 0%. I stupidly responded by increasing the pressure thinking it would kick her back into gear. It has been a difficult journey, but D and I are both learning that, often, “good is good enough.” </p>
<p>@barfly - that is great advice! I wish I had read your post years ago. </p>
<p>Someone probably thinks that his/her parents are using Amy Chua as their model of parenting.</p>
<p>i worry that I don’t put <em>enough</em> pressure…I sometimes feel like i’m too easy-going and too supportive of half-ass efforts., ya know? 
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<p>Sometimes too much. Sometimes not enough. I try to provide as much leeway as results dictate is appropriate, knowing both capabilities and inconsistency of output. I’d like to think that it averages out to being about right. </p>
<p>I try not to. </p>
<p>One son didn’t require any pressure (seems to be a theme here). He did well and managed his own life. He did drop a sport to make more time for music, but he made that choice and he chose which sport to drop. </p>
<p>Other son feels pressure. He is less organized and driven, so yes, I will tell him to turn off the TV and get to work. (I say “do you have anything due tomorrow?” He will look sheepish and then get to work.) Most of the pressure he feels, however, is from living in a family where we all try to do well. His brother was a top grad, so he feels pressure from that, for example. </p>
<p>I would argue that son 2 needs to feel some pressure, but that he shouldn’t feel overly pressured. I do worry that it is counterproductive for him to compare himself to his brother. </p>
<p>I see many parents erring on the other side as well: making excuses for their kids when they probably should be expecting more effort. It’s not easy to get the balance just right, especially since it’s different for each kid in a family.</p>
<p>Kids mostly take care of their own stuff, but I did “pressure” them (minus the whip) to study very hard for PSAT/SAT, which resulted in high scores/big scholarships. No regrets on that one.</p>
<p>Couldn’t put too much pressure on son- his resistance was greater than any forces we could or tried to apply. Of course he chose his own HS courses (proud of how he made choices), which colleges to apply to (or not) et al. Gifted so it was easy to let him. AP’s obvious choices and no need to study for regular SAT/ACT to do exceptionally well. Strong, independent…</p>
<p>Actually, we let our kids be our guides and supported their choices from the time they started school. They chose their courses, any ECs, anything they WANTED to do. Our main job was to provide the funds. If they wanted APs, fine; if not, that was also fine. S maxed out on APs and D took none–all their choice. </p>
<p>We also supported them in getting the best medical care we could and advocating with them when the school was upset about their chronic prolonged absences. It has worked out pretty well for all of us to date. </p>
<p>I think all parents put some pressure on their children. The type of pressure varies depending on the child and it doesn’t always take the form of academic pressure. I expect my children to behave courteously and appropriately with their peers and with the adults in their lives. I’ve put plenty of pressure on them to write thank you notes, send gifts, attend community meetings, talk to teachers.</p>
<p>There are times when this can spill over into the academic sphere. I had one child who consistently failed to turn in homework and who often regarded it as optional. She’d look at the grade she was carrying in a class and determine it was “too high” and decide it gave her the right to kick back and skip the next lab. I think that’s rude and disrespectful to the teacher teaching the class. I also knew that this could have an impact on her college, even life choices later on, and that decisions made at 13 might be something she’d regret. So yeah, I stayed on top of her until she was a junior in high school and it became clear that she was a lot stronger than I was and it was clear that she’d gotten the message and that I didn’t approve of her actions. If I’d clamped down harder, I would have risked our relationship entirely. Another child would rather be flayed alive than approach a teacher for a recommendation or voluntarily talk to a school counselor. I’ve stayed on top of her for that too. And finally, I often have to put pressure on the youngest daughter to put her work down and accept that it’s done and that it’s good enough. It may sound like the opposite of pressure at first glance but believe me, from the point of view of the daughter, it’s pressure! </p>
<p>Even so, I have never forced my kids to participate in ECs or take APs. I don’t read homework assignments, I didn’t even see my oldest girl’s college essays until all her applications had been submitted. I believe I have a responsibility to impart to my girls the values H and I share but as to their precise educational paths, they are the ones who lead the way. </p>
<p>Parents should be a little concerned for type A students who put so much pressure on themselves - esp. if they are a high achiever at their school, then go to a school where everyone is an achiever. One girls I knew worked incredibly hard in HS and was valedictorian; she went to Cornell and during first semester had a lame suicide attempt as a call for help.</p>
<p>Everyone would like to see their student meet their potential. It is frustrating to see underachieving because one worries if the work ethic will ever kick in.</p>
<p>At my Ds’ school, sophomore year and junior year were the tough years with taking a challenging curriculum. It is nice for them to be able to relax a little senior year.</p>
<p>More pressure is on students than when I was in HS and college - however the ivy schools and other top schools had many come from prep schools which were not available to students like me out of a more rural area (county seat town of 10,000). My Ds had better college prep.</p>
<p>Most of us can say our children have it better than we had. I guess that all comes with a price. Our world is also more complicated, so people do need to be better prepared with lots of quickly changing technology.</p>
<p>I don’t feel I put obvious pressure on my kids, but they knew I expected good grades and good behavior from them. They all are/were A students, but I did mention that a B or C would be acceptable if I knew they were trying. I did tell them a D and F were not acceptable because I would get them help if needed to avoid this. In elementary and middle school I was probably a more “hands on” mother making sure assignments were turned in, although I didn’t know every test scheduled. In high school I helped them pick their classes but pretty much stayed out of everything but I was fortunate that my kids handled school well.</p>
<p>Two of them are in college and besides helping them their first semester freshman year decide on classes, I have been pretty “hands off”. I don’t know their classes or anything about the professors, and for S1 never even looked at his grades as I forgot my parent password. I did ask general questions about the classes and how they were doing, and “nagged” a little about applying for scholarships and internships. My DH and I feel that their college success or failure is in their hands. Of course, if we felt they were definitely on the wrong track or in the wrong things, we probably would get more involved.</p>
<p>Unfortunately I sometimes feel after reading posts on CC that I should be more involved. It sounds like my sons might have missed some opportunities that other parents have found for their students if I would have done more. Would more “pressure” make that average college student outstanding? I don’t know…</p>
<p>This is a hard question!</p>
Amen to that.
This is an old thread. Are you reviving it for a particular reason, Dasani?
Kids who live in homes that value reading and academic pursuits and who have at least average intelligence tend to fall into the more advanced course tracks in the earlier grades. By the time high school comes, the academic snowball has been rolling for a while and the kids simply keep taking the next level unless they consciously opt out or do very poorly the previous year. Parents don’t have to push too much for that sort of achievement.
On the other hand, we see lots of people on this forum worried that a middle school math placement decision could determine a student’s college future.
On the original questions, no. My S does all that on his own. Next year he dropped AP Lit bc he is not into Lit. While I would love for him to share my passion for reading, I doubt forcing Lit will do that! We did sign him up for unlimited test prep during Junior year. He did it once for SAT, once fir ACT. Cheaper than paying 2ce.
What do I make him do? Piano. I live vicariously rhough my kids with Piano. And volunteering bc we live among very poor people in a wealthy area. He needs to see that often to be reminded of what is normal and what is not.
I’m also told just researching and bringing up college stuff is pressuring him. (Someone else told me this, not him), but I think it is too important for a parent not to be involved when the student is a teen. We can help where they can’t get traction or access. We have better contacts and networks for this knowledge.
Prior to this year though, he did everything according to his desire and school rec.