Just as there are variety of child traits (most just fine), there are a variety of dynamics with adult kids. My kids happen to be super private, as well as super self sufficient. I’d like to be more involved with the detail of their lives. But then I remind myself, hey - some parents are dealing with kids who won’t leave the basement. I did the best I could to raise them right, and I’m very proud that they are kind souls, very capable of being on their own. (And for one of them, there was a time where I was not sure sure this would be how it turned out.). So Life Is Good.
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My parents did not know how much I made, nor did they ask. I felt respected as an adult, in that they saw me as one. They were pushy parents, too. Would I like to know what my son makes! Of course! There’s not anything about him I don’t find fascinating. Some people, including me, are just private that way. Some aren’t.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I find that kind of conversation kind of crass. Your friend sounds insecure. By the time our kids are out of the house with jobs and are adults, don’t we start to lose the need to use them as measuring sticks for ourselves? Some kids will share that kind of info, and some don’t. There is a lot of room on the continuum for different, “normal” interactions.
That reminds me of a story where my SIL, who had no children of her own, said the quiet part out loud. Right out of college, ds2 got a job that most people would think is really cool. He had access to lots of successful people whose names y’all would recognize, garnered lots of followers on social media, etc. He quit the job after three years without having another lined up, and my SIL said, “What?!? Doesn’t he realize that we are overly invested in his career and telling people who he is?” 
Oof. It was embarrassing to be out with my family and hear them try to slide into the conversation how they might know him. UGH. He wasn’t that big a deal, but they were so proud. I guess it could be worse, but still.
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I hadn’t really thought about it but at the moment, we do know what our kids make. Not sure that will continue. They are mixed in how open and how private they are. I would guess that as they get older, they won’t be as open. DH has done their taxes or at least consulted with them because we had turbotax. At this point, they are doing their own.
My kids do not know how much we make/made (as DH is mostly retired). But DH is open with telling folks his hourly rate in his retirement job.
I knew some of my parents income when in college for the FAFSA stuff. I eventually learned all of their finances as they aged and my sibling and I took over paying the bills etc.
We never did FAFSA or other forms that required full disclosure of assets. To this day, I don’t know how much dad had, what’s left of estate or what his will said (older brother has never disclosed) or how much mom has. If it becomes important, I can ask my younger brother about mom but he’s a good money handler and I trust him. He doesn’t seem concerned or worried and I know it’s north of $1mm—not sure how far north.
We knew what D made when she first started working, but that is only because H helped her make a budget, so she could figure out how much she needed to save up to move out and how much rent she could afford.
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My D19 still has 1.5 semesters to go before graduating. So she doesn’t have an adult job. I do her taxes so I know what she makes from her jobs. She can thank me for kicking her off my tax return for 2020 so she would get all the stimulus money.
What I don’t know is how much money she currently has. She started college with around $12K in the bank. (Note: she busted her butt working and dropped sports senior year of HS and made some good money). We had a deal going into college that we would cover her R&B and the little bit of tuition and fees that her scholarship didn’t cover. She is on the hook for entertainment, books, and sorority dues. She has been tight-lipped about how much she has. I honestly think she thinks if I knew how much she had that I would require her to pay more.
We have always preached independence with our kids. It was the way when I grew up and to a degree for my spouse. I had almost all of college paid from financial aid(being lower mid class paid off finally) and scholarships myself. I did take out a little bit in loans. My parents gave me the $10K my grandparents saved for me after freshman year. My parents and I didn’t talk about college finances from the point forward. Really my folks and I didn’t talk about finances after that.
My folks weren’t financially savy and didn’t have any money in the market. All they had were two pensions and a lifestyle geared to live below their means. Still have the same house they bought in 1971. They never had to downsize because they never went bigger. Once they hit retirement they never had to worry about money again. A few years ago when Dad passed Mom opened up about her finances. Not to be morbid but she is like a cash cow in business. She just can’t spend as much as she takes in. Makes me wish I went the pension route myself. My spouse did but delayed because of the kids.
I have always told my kids I don’t care what they do as long as they can support themselves. After about 3-5 months when the graduate the parent money will stop.
Because neither will be a business major I will need to teach them about investing.
Overall if you aren’t asking money I don’t need to know everything. But if I am loaning/giving you money then I become like the bank and need all your financials.
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One year when the Parade Magazine article came out with the grid with how much people make, I actually knew two of them. One was the president of a gold and minerals company, and his salary was $7M. Why did that matter? His grandchildren went to the same grade school as my kids and this man gave very very generously. He donated the computer lab and to a scholarship fund. I was very happy he made $7M (in salary, probably lot more in stock options and bonuses) and shared some of that with our school.
The other was a Jesuit priest who was president of Regis University. He made $225k when many of his fellow university presidents made $1M or more. It didn’t really matter how much he made as he kept some of it for his needs (he did drive a Prius when they were new!) but since he took a vow of poverty, most of it was plowed back into the school or to the Jesuits.
My sister was a partner at a Wall Street firm. She left the firm at about age 53-55 and started a second career as a public school teacher, at about 1/10 of her former salary/earnings. She absolutely started at the bottom of the scale for teachers as they didn’t count her law degree as an advanced degree. She likes her new career. She had made enough money to live the way she wanted to. Probably the thing she liked the least was not having the freedom to take a vacation whenever she wanted to, but she made it work.
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Our kids will ask about financial/tax advice and we will discuss it. We don’t know exact amounts of salaries/bonuses, etc. We have never done our kids taxes - I did my own since HS so that never occurred to me.
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