Not sure that many are dissing kids for sharing. But it may be a good opportunity to have a discussion/reminder about what is public and what isn’t. Including ramifications of putting things on sociala media.
When I closed on my dad’s house last month, title agent talked about a local celebrity (no names) who insisted on signing docs in cloak of darkness/cover of night and who didn’t want fact that they sold their house or for how much to become known. Shouldn’t have bought it in their own name. Lack of understanding how public real estate records work. Teachers next door to us (when we moved in) were petrified that others at school would find it how much they paid for their house when the transfer was recorded (at that time, transfers were printed in the local paper weekly). At that point in time, the info was public info but it took effort to get it or a Westlaw subscription. During the time they owned the house, real estate records went public online. Plus services like Zillow
I’m feeling kind of dissed that my kid doesn’t share. At least that is the vibe I am getting on this thread. Which was the same vibe I got from my friend. “Oh, our kids share everything with us.”
I guarantee my fil had NO idea how much dh made at the height of his career. He would have been completely floored.
I had no idea how much my parents made when I was growing up. I remember thinking we were upper middle class, because I had everything I wanted. My dad was a MSGT in the Air Force, and my mom worked retail. We most definitely weren’t upper middle class.
This thread prompted a great discussion with ds2. I asked him what he thought our net worth was, and he nailed it. I know roughly what my kids make as they told me the salary range when they were offered jobs and then when they negotiated for more. We try to be more open with our kids than our parents were with us. That has been a work in progress. Dh retiring and setting up wills and such was the perfect time to go more in depth on these topics.
I tried hard to get my mom to die broke once she knew she had terminal cancer. I wanted her to take her money and use it all up doing things she wanted to do/see. She didn’t. (sigh)
My FIL has oodles - we’re not sure how much exactly, but he still won’t buy what he likes, even for food, if there’s a cheaper option. All it has to be is 10 cents cheaper than what he prefers. H has tried to show him how to do things differently. 'Tis his retirement funds and at 93, he ought to be fine starting to use them.
We’re convinced it’s a mindset. It’s one we’ve told our kids not to expect from us! We expect to save enough for us, so if something happened early (like now), they’d reap the finances, but otherwise, they’ll get what’s left over, meanwhile we’ve enjoyed the time with them since their birth, doing quite a bit together and still doing things together as we can.
My father in law believed very strongly in the blessing of being able to build generational wealth and managing your family money with an eye to future generations. His parents sacrificed so that he could open his own business . They would never let him buy things for them urging him to put his money into his own business and family. They felt this was so much better a long term strategy than people they knew whose kids helped them out during the depression and the kids “ never got ahead”. He never interfered with what we did with our money but what we had was always discussed for tax and estate planning purposes. We do the same with our kids. This is a strategy of privilege of course.
Yours is a valid point. As I wrote up thread, I did at least know what his base was before his current job because it was in consulting and salaries for that are widely published. So, yeah, I had to dig to know exactly what his base was, though I had a vague idea.
So, idk if I want him to share or not. I don’t expect him, too. It really is none of my business. But, there are a lot of things that are none of my business that I’d like to know more about if I am being honest😂
Our family was not money rich when I grew up…at all. But my mom did the best she could to give us a comfortable home. I honestly had everything I needed and we lived in a wealthy suburban town.
I knew what my mother earned prior to her retirement, but not while I was growing up.
Our kids know pretty much what our assets are. And that’s fine. We were amongst the parents who had our kids sit with us when we completed their financial aid forms…so really by that time, it was all out in the open!
My brother believes his kids and them are building family wealth. He requires his sons to put in x% of their bonuses into their family investment. When his son was investing in a piece of property he also went in for it (50%). His sons are in their late 20s, not married yet but in serious relationships. I think at some point they are going to have some issues.
By CC standards and Top 1 or 10%, we’re not wealthy, but I don’t really want to be. (I also have no desire to be below average TBH.)
By the world’s standards we are very wealthy and I feel blessed.
I gave a bit of my mom’s extra money away to her less well off relatives and to charities. We’ll likely do the same with FIL’s when/if we get it.
I see no reason to continue to gain wealth when there are so many people in both the US and world who don’t have even what we opt to have kept for ourselves.
Fortunately, my kids feel the same way. They grew up being givers.
One of our favorite pastimes is discussing how we could change the world if we ever won one of those big lotteries. We couldn’t fix the world, of course, but we could be making a lot more of a difference than each of us is now. But save that much just for someone do it later? Not in our plans. Too many we are helping would suffer now and there’s no guarantee future generations would feel the same way.
I knew what DS made with his first job, he was living at home at the time. He just told us. When he got his job in Texas, he was living on his own and felt more of an adult. He mentioned the range they offered before his interview, but did not offer what it was finally. I did not ask. I wanted to, but felt he had a right to his privacy and wouldn’t want to be pushy or nosy. He would tell me, but if he REALLY wanted me to know, he’d offer that information. It’s been 2.5 years now and I still haven’t a clue exactly, but do know around what it might be.
They have no idea what we have, nor how much DH makes. I did share with him my salary a few years after I stopped working. I think he was shocked it wasn’t more. That’s how much the young kids start out making. Lol!
Or it could mean you’re so familiar with the hiring system that you just know how much someone starts at or if they mention what “grade” (or other similar term used in non-federal gov’t) they are you know the salary range. That would be the case for me.
Would there be any benefit to knowing the specific number, rather than generally doing well or similar?
My father has asked me for a specific number multiple times about both income and net worth, and I always give a non-specific answer about “doing well” or listed certain positive financial-related things in my life, without listing specific numbers.
There are several reasons for this. One is that I’ve learned through experience that if I tell my father this type of information, it is extremely likely that it is going to be repeated to a large number of other people (even if I say not to) – other family, parents of HS friends, neighbors, random people that my parents may run in to at the store/restaurant, … Some of these people will take it negatively, and with good reason. There is also a good chance of getting specific details wrong, as my my financial metrics are complicated and can be variable.
Another is that I believe my father enjoys being the provider who pays for everything, including when we visit. If we go out to eat together… or nearly anywhere together, I may offer to pay, but he always insists on paying for the full bill himself. I think specific numbers could lead to comparisons that make this dynamic more awkward, and also lead to some negative feelings.
I can see many potential negative consequences like these to going in to specific numbers, yet I don’t see many benefits. I agree that it is important that my parents know I am financially doing well and not struggling, and they know this. However, I don’t think it is really important that they know specific numbers about my finances.
I don’t feel like I’m being dissed by my Ds at all!! I feel like I’m being dissed by other parents (this friend of mine as an example) who seem to think their relationship with their adult children must be better than mine because theirs DO share their numbers in great detail. To your point about your own father, I do wonder if these young adults know she turns around and shares that with others. They may not care. At any rate, when asked what does your Ds make, and I say I don’t know, that is met with surprise by her. And, “Oh, our children tell us everything.” Given my family upbringing, I find the openness of discussing such things between parents and adult kids surprising. This thread has shown me that I’m in the minority in that surprise - at least among the sample here. But, that still doesn’t make me want to know a specific number. I still don’t think my adult son’s finances are any of my business. Though, I do know he is doing well and not struggling.
Different boundaries and expectations. Different strokes for different folks. Different upbringing. Different culture. Whatever!
A good friend of mine texted me the other day about her son getting an unbelievable bonus from Goldman. I think she wanted me to ask how much. I didn’t bite. I congratulated her son. :). She also asked if D1 got her number yet.
My dad was a MSGT in the Air Force, and my mom worked retail. We most definitely weren’t upper middle class.
Thanks, friend!