Do you think that you pressured your kid into getting into a top college?

Parents Forum
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<p>We encouraged our kids to ‘be the best you can be’ academically, encouraged sports that you can enjoy your whole life (including some team sports) and tried to provide opportunities (time for a job or volunteer work or summer programs) that were interesting to them. Smart kids, all of them, but the last one, very obviously, with the most academic potential. Being very smart in a small community comes with a lot of pressure to get into a major league school (similar to your competitive high schools and to the way that a great HS athlete is expected to get into a great college as an athlete). We have tried to downplay ‘great school’ expectations within our family, but cannot influence the outside world to any degree. Tried to encourage less obvious possible college matches. Tried to take the pressure off while still responding to academic needs. Tried to be a team player, with the kid calling the plays. We are unsure if any of our efforts have helped as kids are so much more influenced by peer expectations than ours. Sometimes I wonder if reverse psychology would work - put the pressure on and let the kid rebel against us! </p>

<p>As a kid myself, no one expected or encouraged me to reach academically. It was all on me and I went for it (within the very limited offerings). But, in terms of college, it would have been nice if someone, anyone (teachers, GC, parents, friends) had suggested that I might look at more competitive schools. Grew up in a lower middle class, low expectations, low % of high school graduates going to college, town. So, to that extent, we did encourage our kids to look at the entire universe of schools rather than the obvious safeties.</p>

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<p>

This was Yale, which also has SCEA–you can’t apply early elsewhere (with some exceptions), but you are not bound to attend Yale if you are accepted. My kids had already submitted almost all of their RD applications before they heard from Yale. (We could have held off on submitting them to save application fees, but we felt it was worth it psychologically to send them in.) When the Yale acceptance came through, they both decided to accept it and not to wait to see the results of the other applications. This surprised us in the case of our daughter, who had made us believe that she was seriously considering a couple of the other options–her way of dealing with some of the pressure.</p>

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<p>shawbridge,
“So sorry MiamiDAP that Florida public schools are not up to par.” - I heard that in fact Florida public schools are terrible. But I have not experience with that. I do not even want to retire in Florida, let alone live there. I have no idea why you brought it up, you must have mixed me with somebody else. We are living in OH and that is where D. has attended all of her schools. No, she did not belong at ANY public HS, that would have been devasting experience coming from the Middle School of 4 kids. And if you are so against privates, I can tell you that no public kindergarten was taking her, she was missing 4 days. We could not afford missing another year because of our ancient age. And despite of her testing very low in kindergarten preparedness test (another stupidity of public -12), we had no choice but placing her, yes, in expanisve k - 8. Then she went to expanisve private HS where she was on great Merit award (despite all wise public school testing, the girl ended up never having a single B in her entire kindergarten - graduating from UG career, was #1 in her HS class as well as a top pre-med in UG for which she received an award, otherwise we would not know). Her state public UG was absolutely terrific and tuition free for her. So, what was your question, I lost track? </p>

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<p>@Hunt - not double legacy, but a legacy non the less. My D was in the same boat and ended up applying early, getting in, and attending.</p>

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<p>i’m a high schooler, and i’ve been raised to get good grades. otherwise i always feared i’d get in trouble. now i just naturally push myself hard (and at the same time question why i’m working so hard). i feel that i don’t belong in groups that aren’t intellectual though. i have no way of relating to them. that’s part of the reason i take rigorous classes. as for ivy leagues, yeah i’m not good enough. and my parents don’t question that.</p>

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<p>I guess every parent would want the best and the top calibre college for our kids. But with my son, I would want him to enjoy while studying, fun with no giving up of what must be done.</p>

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<p>My D made of list of schools she wanted to attend in the 7th grade. They were all elite schools. I told her to go for it not thinking she would actually get in but that the effort would get her somewhere nice, maybe with a scholarship. I didn’t know how smart she really is at the time. She sure showed me.</p>

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<p>" i feel that i don’t belong in groups that aren’t intellectual though. i have no way of relating to them. "

  • This is exactly what D. noticed among some kids who graduated from Ivy’s. It might be an obstacle to overcome, one should be at ease with great variety of people, ability to connect easily is a great advantage. This is one of the most important traits of future MD (as one example). Trust between a doc. and a patient (who could be a homeless person as one example) needs to be established and that trust or lack of may potentially save the life or result in unfortunate loss. Ability to connect to a very diverse group (and I do not mean racial or any other somewhat shallow definition of diveristy, I mean diverse as totally different people, different interests, itellectual level…etc.) will make a great team player in any setting, which is essential at any job, absolutely no exception.<br>
    This type of personal development was one of my D’s goal. She said that if she went to some top UG or even not so top but somewhat limited in regard to variety of students at small private UG, she would be in the same crowd of very intense and academically focuses kids as she was at her tiny private very rogorous HS (which she enjoyed a lot nonseless).<br>
    But again, there are so many variables for each family, I do not understand why one family would follow example of another. The education path could be only determined within each family taking all kind of specifics into great consideration and NOT listenning to anybody else. </p>
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<p>“Be at ease with a variety of people, ability to connect easily”</p>

<p>Oh please…these are traits that are positive traits one should have for almost any profession. </p>

<p>And one can develop those traits at any college, regardless of the intellectual competitiveness of their students, and admissions.</p>

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<p>

Going off on a tangent expounding upon your daughter’s achievements for the gazillionth time can certainly cause one to lose track. Shawbridge just seems to have confused U Miami with Miami Ohio. That’s pretty apparent. No need to use it, yet again, as a springboard to repeat the story about your child and the pros/cons of an “expansive” education. </p>

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<p>"think if your kids are legacies (or double legacies, like mine), a certain amount of pressure is built in. My kids certainly felt it. We tried very hard to talk up the other colleges on the list, because we didn’t know where our kids would get in–and we also wanted them to decide what was the best fit. "</p>

<p>We took legacy-school off the table. S was the one who insisted it be brought back on. We had him go tours, etc by himself because we really wanted him to see it through his own lens, not mom and dad’s. And selfishly I was afraid that if they rejected him, it would taint my feelings. When he said it really was his first choice and he wanted to go ED, my heart was in my throat. My S has a way of finding clarity where others can’t see, and he was right all along – it has been fabulous for him, in ways I couldn’t have imagined, </p>

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<p>I ended up going to a well-respected school in my field, but is practically unheard of on the national level. In the end, I couldn’t be happier with the results! </p>

<p>I’m glad I didn’t get caught up in the rankings/prestige game. I was able to live a healthy lifestyle as a kid, and am now happy in my career… best of both worlds as far as I’m concerned!</p>

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<p>Double Amen, Fractalmstr!</p>

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<p>My daughter attends an Ivy school, and it was her wish and desire to do so. She worked extremely hard in high school, taking a rigorous course of study, AP classes, as well as classes at an excellent local liberal arts college. She sought out opportunities to challenge herself, and also when opportunities arose, through teachers and advisors, to apply for and compete for awards and recognition, she did so.</p>

<p>My husband and I did not consciously pressure her to seek out Ivy schools. In fact, our first choice for her was an excellent, small, liberal arts college in our city. Both my husband and are I professionals with graduate degrees, so that was a fact of our daughter’s childhood. But we are not alumni of Ivy schools, not at all - we both are the product of high quality public schools, elementary through grad school.</p>

<p>Daughter attends the school of her choice. My husband and I were a bit afraid of the prospect of her going so far away for college, in a large city, amongst other top students. And, of course, the expense. But so far it is all working out well for our daughter, who is continuing to grow and mature, and become the person she will be. There are unlimited opportunities for her and the school has fantastic programs in place for guiding the students.</p>

<p>We consciously made sure our daughter obtained the best education possible - that education was a partnership between us, her parents, and the school district. That involved volunteering in her schools, having good communication with all her teachers and school administrators - being active parents who contributed time and money to these schools. She is the product of our public school system, which we are fortunate is an excellent one. </p>

<p>We helped her to recognize opportunities, and the importance of asking for help and knowing who to ask for help and advice; to not be afraid to exert herself, even in the face of failure, because if you never try, you will always know the answer will be a guaranteed ‘NO’, but if you try, the answer could be “Yes” or “Maybe”.</p>

<p>Our daughter was taught, from a young age, that being born with an intelligent mind was of no doing on her part - that was nature’s gift to her, but also with that gift came a big responsibility - to develop that intelligent mind, and use it to help make this world a better place, because most people do not have that gift.</p>

<p>But we also tried to show her how to enjoy herself, relax, the importance of good nutrition, good life style habits, and regular exercise and fresh air and sunshine. I guess the main goal was for her to be a contented child who was happy in her own skin, and who could find ways to amuse herself and challenge herself independently.</p>

<p>There is a fine line between encouraging and forcing, and it’s not always easy to figure out where that line is. Also, I think that line is fluid, it moves with each situation. Sometimes kids need an extra push here and there, and sometimes they need to be left alone to learn their own lessons. Being a good, conscientious and effective parent is not an easy task.</p>

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<p>Sorry, jym626, to offend you yet one more time!!! It is funny that no matter what one says being for private education or agianst it, everything is wrong! Again, goes back to the fact that this thread has no meanning as every family has to decide based on family own set of circumstances. Of course, by jym626, I am wrong again, but it here goes another of my wrong opinions!</p>

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<p>No one said you were wrong, Miami. If you have an opinion about the topic, your opinion is as valid as anyone else’s, even if you think the thread, like many similar ones “has no meaning”. If it has no meaning, its unclear why anyone would bother to post. And of course everyone makes the best decision for their individual circumstances (except the few who go into monumental debt for their undergraduate education, but thats another story…)</p>

<p>While these types of threads may attract some new posters who haven’t seen/read the past history of some other, longer-time posters, a quick look at who else is posting in the thread can readily identify if its really necessary to repeat the same story over yet again. And again…</p>

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<p>I actually believe tha everybody is about the same, of course, there are giniuses and they are exceptions like some poster here. So, I told all of mine (when I had time telling) that the only thing that distiquish one from another is an exceptionally hard work. Anybody who work hard (well, geniuses do not need to, but I mean normal people), will achieve, period. And achieveing in amrican k -12 does not even require any exceptional hard work. Just do assignment every day and do it well and you will be set for all As. Done over and over and over. Who gets accepted to Med. Schools, Law Schools, Grad. Schools? People who know that without an effort no goal could be achieved. </p>

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<p>I strongly disagree with that basic premise. Everyone is NOT the same blank slate. Hard work is always important, but we can’t all be Van Goughs if we have no innate artistic ability.</p>

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<p>@iwantstanford16,
It seems to me from your posts that your parents didn’t know that much about the college system and you have been sort of figuring out as you go along and so you feel like you are behind schedule or off-track in getting into an elite university. Is this assessment accurate?</p>

<p>If this is what you are really asking, then you also have to figure out what if would be like if your parents were the other way: grooming you and striving for an elite uni. If you look at cc, you’ll find hundreds of thread about kids who have been working towards HYPS with amazing GPA, scores, ECs etc, This is one example ( <a href=“*** Official Harvard University 2018 RD Decisions Only*** - Harvard University - College Confidential Forums”>*** Official Harvard University 2018 RD Decisions Only*** - Harvard University - College Confidential Forums). </p>

<p>Although the grass may seem greener on the other side from your vantage point, there are truly pros and cons to growing up households such as yours and pros and cons growing up in households (and highschools) with constant pressure to score higher and achieve more. My recommendation is to work as hard and as best as you can with the cards that are dealt to you. You will find a college that is great for you.</p>

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<p>This wins the sentence of the week post on this forum.</p>