Domineering Roommate

[doschicos]

@QuietMom

the negative comments on their personality and intelligence. The roommate is always there so my child has no where to goto relax. I just am not sure if the school will consider it a minor personality difference or actually allow him to switch rooms. Its not like the roommate is partying in the room constantly, no smoking, drugs, up til all hours of the night, stealing etc. (that is what I mean by it could be worse).

IMO, this is worse than things like up all hours of the night and even drugs. It’s a legitimate gripe worse than a “minor personality difference”. No one needs to put up with emotional abuse and bullying which is what this is if the roommate is making derogatory comments about your son’s personality and intelligence.

It needs to be dealt with but the first step in doing so is asking for help - the RA and the counseling office. ASAP.

It’s likely your son will encounter other emotionally/verbally abusive people in his life at some point. It’s a good life skill to learn to deal with it.

[Lindagaf]

I agree with most of the other commenters. I’m not seeing mental instability and danger here.

FWIW, there are so many students who don’t get along with their roommates. My D and her first year roommate didn’t care for each other. D spent a lot of time not in her room, and I think the roommate did the same. . It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t horrible and she got through it. I fully agree that your son needs to advocate for himself and just get through this. My D is a conflict avoider but her way of resolving it was to remove herself from the awkwardness s much as possible. Not what I would have done, but it worked for her.

[twoinanddone]

The roommate sounds deeply insecure and unfortunately his coping mechanism seems to be putting others down.

This is how I read it, not that the roommate is a bully but that the roommate is socially unable to fit in with others so wants OP’s child as a friend. Wants to do everything the other student does, follows him around, wants the same friends and is afraid if he (OP’s child) makes other friends then the RM will be left without anyone.

[doschicos]

Yes, the roommate sounds socially awkward, seems to lack social skills and boundaries.

If it makes OP’s son more likely to address it, let him know he’ll likely be helping his roommate as well.

[austinmshauri]

My child is… sick of the constant ordering around (which they do give in on a lot just to avoid confrontation), and the negative comments on their personality and intelligence.

The roommate is always there so my child has no where to go to relax.

the roommate constantly asks what my child is working on and… comments on how long it takes my child to do homework, goes to any activity my child attends and dominates the conversation so no one else can talk, and has even gotten to the point of telling my child when to brush their teeth and go to bed.

My child is very shy and just recently started talking more to the roommate and other people on the floor- to which the roommate responded that they don’t like my child’s true personality and they preferred it when they were quiet.

I work at a university. We would take this, especially the personal comments, seriously. It’s not an RA issue. RA issues are a difference in preferences for thermostat settings and similar disagreements. It sounds like the roommate is creating a hostile living environment.

Your son should be documenting what the roommate is doing/saying (dates, times, witnesses). I’d recommend seeing a counselor on campus for suggestions on dealing with the roommate, then go to the Dean of Residential Life with his documentation and tell them he wants a room change. Start creating a paper trail.

In the meantime, he should live his life. Invite people over, go to events without explaining his schedule to the roommate, and quit giving in on things he doesn’t want just to avoid conflict. The roommate can only run his life if continues to let him.