<p>what do you do if your child calls with roommate problems. Has been keeping it to himself and finally called last night to say that his roommate cusses at him and threatens to fight. S is staying at lobby til 1 am to avoid. He is scared of him. What to do?</p>
<p>Remind him to talk to the RA. That’s why they’re there.</p>
<p>I agree, he should talk to the RA. He should also explore what the campus procedures are for transferring to a new room, they’re probably posted on the website.</p>
<p>If your son talks to his RA/CA and that person doesn’t really do much, then your son should visit the counseling center and tell them that his roommate is making threats against him, if his threats of “fight” are physical. It’s so sad to have a roommate like that so early in the year, although better to find out now than later.</p>
<p>Does your son have a cell phone that records? In most states, it only takes one person in a two person party to consent to recording a conversation, so your son would be the party. Sounds crazy I know, but it’s true. Anyway, he needs to record the threat so that he will be believed, and not told to try harder, wait it out, etc. In this age of ultra-attention to bullying behavior, the school will act faster if they actually have a sense of knowing what is really going on, and who is really causing the problem. It’s not like your son is using the recording to sue someone or commit fraud - he will be using it to act as evidence. Look up the law on audio-recording in your state. He needs to act to protect himself. Why should he have to move all his stuff out of a room? The bullying roommate should be the one to have to go through the inconvenience. Encourage your son to act quickly, talk to residential life director, etc. If they put him with this roommate, (and they didn’t choose each other on Facebook or something) they should have to fix this problem quickly.</p>
<p>If the RA can’t or won’t do anything, there may be someone in the dorm (a hall director or some other title who is either a grad student or a staff member) and your son should talk to him or her. Threatening to fight is serious (not a normal roomate issue that the kids need to learn how to work through) and should be addressed. IF the hall director doesn’t address the issue and your son is still avoiding his room because of fear, your son (or you) should call the university housing office and/or the Dean of Students. I know that at my university, this would be taken very seriously.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>I would not wait another second to talk to the Dean of Students immediately. I won’t stay out of my room for another night, its either be resolved today or I will leave.</p>
<p>Do something today, don’t wait!</p>
<p>My daughter had a horrible roommate her first semester of her freshman year. The girl was an acquaintance and they decided to room together. DD didn’t know her reputation or problems before agreeing to live with her. </p>
<p>Long story short, the girl had serious depression and locked daughter out of room several times while she slept the days away. The girl never went to class, threw garbage on the floor and in my daughter’s bed, and kept the dorm room dark and depressing. She would get very angry if my daughter turned a light on in the middle of the afternoon to study.</p>
<p>The result was a frustrating first semester and it affected her grades. She transferred at second semester and had a wonderful roommate and the happy, cheerful room that she should have had all year. Her grades improved significantly.</p>
<p>Don’t hope that his roommate’s behavior will pass, it probably won’t. For the sake of your son’s happiness, grades, and safety, get him into another living situation now.</p>
<p>Best of luck!</p>
<p>Immediately go to RA if no resolution go to RD or Dean of Students.</p>
<p>^agreed. Immediately go to the RA. If the RA doesn’t respond ASAP with at least a temporary solution to the problem, he should walk right over to the Dean’s office and plead his case.</p>
<p>If the roommate threatens him, he can call campus security and request a temporary safe room until the situation cools down and a permanent solution is put into place.</p>
<p>I’m in the “call the Dean of Students now” camp. Normally you would go up the chain, so to speak, with roommate problems, which means you would start with the RA. But this sounds a bit too serious. Threatening to fight?? That is not good.</p>
<p>ETA: Having read recent posts in this thread that advise going to the RA first, I can see that might be appropriate, but I also agree that should be done today, and that if a real solution is not forthcoming right away, the Dean of Students should get involved immediately. I would hope that the RA’s first reaction would be to inform the Dean of Students.</p>
<p>Call the Dean of Students now. This is beyond RA territory. He needs to get out of there.</p>
<p>Be sure your son lets the RA or director or dean or whoever know that he does not feel safe. Safety is a big thing now and making that the center of the reason will light more of a fire under them than such things as “my roommate yells at me” etc.</p>
<p>Agree-- contact whoever is in charge of Housing and copy the Dean of Students on all correspondence.Act now.</p>
<p>Last school year there was a frantic post from a mother whose son let the roommate situation go too far because he didn’t feel comfortable telling the RA about his situation. If I recall it was because the roommate stopped taking his meds. I believe this was a situation where the roommate was a danger to himself. It seemed like there were key words/phrases that need to be used in order to have the situation addressed.</p>
<p>Somehow you need to convince your son to involve his RA. Maybe you can go online and get the process/contact #s for going up the chain of command should it be necessary.</p>
<p>Your son should go to the RA now. If the RA is not available, start going up the ladder – there is probably a RD (Resident Director) for the dorm or the quad? </p>
<p>I don’t think you are out of line to call the Dean of Students yourself. Be sure to use the words <em>threatening</em> and <em>fighting</em> because those are words that should get action. </p>
<p>While all the colleges are anti-helicopter, they still sit up and take notice when a parent calls with a legitimate concern that needs adult intervention. This sounds like one of those situations.</p>
<p>Act now. Call the Dean of Students and the office of Residential Life. Have your son go on record that he has been repeatedly threatened with violence and forced to flee the dorm room to seek a place of safety. Have him demand that security personnel escort him to his room to get his property out. The university must formally be placed on notice that there are threats to the safety of a student. Do it in writing.</p>
<p>Thank y0u everyone for your concern and advice. It really helped my husband and me to know what to do- you never want to overreact but if safety is concerned you certainly dont want to UNDERreact either.
Well, my s went to ra and director of his dorm like yall said, and my h and i also contacted housing office. RA and dorm director said they would talk to boy and help work things out- no other rooms in s’s dorm. Son wanted to let them do their jobs and felt comfortable that they would. Director of housing called us and safety utmost concern and if s felt unsafe they would have him moved that day. We said s wanted to let ra handle it but we appreciated knowing that.
Week went by. Roommate would not talk to s, unfriended him on facebook, mad, etc. S said that was fine as long as they could get along. S stayed out of room most of time to avoid conflict.
THEN, they did roommate agreements. S thought all would be ok. That night he walked in and roommate gone and had let 2 strangers s did not know have sex on s futon which s walked in on. Left then came back and confronted roommate. Roommate, who from past experience, wants all confrontation to end in violence, said that since he was mad, why didnt my s just get it over with now and stab him. my s said what??? roommate said, see though scissors, why dont you stab them straight in my heart? s left immediately and we got call at 1 am.
LOng story short- very impressed with housing reaction. he went to ra who would not let him sleep in his room that night. My H emailed director of housing. Of course, the 30 minutes we waited while he talked to ra and then called us back about 2 am were so scary- i kept tlling h what if he went back to room and was hurt. Very scary feeling!
They talked to roommate next morning as we drove to the school. Got there mid afternoon and had meeting with director housing, ra, son, etc. They were wonderful and we moved son that afternoon. Everything was ours except tv so ran to walmart while he was in class.
All is good now.
Thank you so much cc friends for giving the advice I needed then but also in future when things were spinning out of control. I know it takes time to respond, but please know people do rely on likeminded parents advice in stressful situations. I love yall!!</p>
<p>I guess I am missing something in this whole picture. My D is an RA and yes they should be the first ones to talk to but my D was also told during training that anytime a serious threat of violence is made she as RA and the threatened student are call University Police immediately. A bully is a bully, a threat is a threat period I do not understand why no one has pointed this out. My understanding is that bullying and threats of violence are not tolerated (Zero Tolerance). </p>
<p>gasenioryear I am so glad you and your H got him out of that situation and I wish your son the best. What happens though to the next boy that moves in with this bully, perhaps his parents wont react the same way you did or perhaps the bully will just lose it and start a physical confrontation. I do not blame you at all for what you did but unless there are some serious repercussions the bully has won again. Maybe I am over reacting but my second call as a parent after the director of housing would have been the police. I have the campus police on my cell and home speed dial just in case.</p>
<p>glad it all worked out gasenioryear. Should have happened sooner to avoid yoru angst, but its done and all is well. Whew!</p>