My child is having trouble adjusting to college - academics, making friends and roommate issues.
The roommate has become very domineering - it started off with how the furniture was arranged, not allowing a TV , posters or rugs in the room etc. It has gotten progressively worse - the roommate constantly asks what my child is working on and for what class, comments on how long it takes my child to do homework, goes to any activity my child attends and dominates the conversation so no one else can talk, and has even gotten to the point of telling my child when to brush their teeth and goto bed.
My advice was stick up for yourself and the roommate will back down. My child is very shy and just recently started talking more to the roommate and other people on the floor- to which the roommate responded that they don’t like my child’s true personality and they preferred it when they were quiet.
My child hates confrontation and is afraid to goto the RA. Is this an issue that could warrant a room change? I’m just afraid switching rooms might be worse. However, my child is feeling worthless right now with the roommate constantly degrading them especially about schoolwork. I don’t want their grades and social life to suffer all due to a roommate. Any advice?
Yes, your child needs to learn to stand up to people like this. Part of that could be talking to the RA and/or the counseling office.
Is it wrong for your son’s roommate to be domineering? Yes. But a big part of the issue is also your son not willing to advocate for himself and make attempts to nip it in the bud. It’s a good life lesson to learn. He needs to start by seeking assistance if he doesn’t have the skill set to do it currently.
Your child does need to learn to advocate for themselves. They need to get the RA involved and hammer out a roommate agreement. (And if you child wants a rug or TV, they can put it on their side of the room!)
I also think your child needs to join clubs and make friends outside of the dorm. Don’t tell the roommate about club meetings and comings/goings.
Yes, time to stop sharing information with the roommate. Tell little to nothing about academic, club, and social life. It sounds like a certain amount of ignoring this roommate is in order too. Maybe as little amount of time together and not much in the way of responses will get the roommate to focus elsewhere?
This sounds like a “get through” situation. In the meantime focus on other relationships and have your student keep an eye out for someone else to room with. Things usually open up second semester. Maybe your student can find someone else to move in with? I don’t see this one improving.
While I think that all of the above posters have offered solid advice, I think that this may be a dangerous situation for your child which warrants an immediate need to change his roommate and, possibly, his dorm.
Dealing with an 18 or 19 year old freshman is different than dealing with an older adult. Any attempt to stand up to a bully–in this case a psycho bully-- with whom one lives can have dangerous results.
Worth noting is that this very well written and constructed post presents an unusual and extreme case.
P.S. OP: It is difficult for me to imagine how switching rooms (and roommates) could make this situation worse.
It sounds like while your child may have trouble advocating for himself, the roommate is the one with issues.
Your son DOES need to find ways of dealing with this. Personally, I would suggest a mix of avoidance (studying in the library, for example) and firm confrontation (when leaving and asked where he is going, answering “it doesn’t concern you”). I concur with the posters above that the counseling office could help with this.
The roommate sounds like a bully and your son should discuss this with the RA, and if the situation advances beyond profoundly annoying to threatening, he should make it clear that he feels unsafe and he should request a room change. I would recommend that he keep a log of who he talks to about this as the change may be difficult to effect, and a record of working this through the proper channels may get his request more urgency.
I agree with @Publisher that it sounds like it could become dangerous. While the OP worries that a room change could make it worse - which seems impossible- the mere fact of that concern suggests that this boy may be an attractive target to bullies, in which case the counseling office is likely to be far more helpful than the RA.
Hugs to you, OP. It has to be really stressful to be watching your kid go through this.
That said, the Op’s child should learn to self advocate. The roommate sounds like a controlling jerk, but there is no indication form the OP’s post that the roommate is dangerous, nor. “mentally unstable”. Lets not project.
@Publisher -What do you see, realizing that we are seeing exactly one post and hearing the description second hand (and in the parent’s words), that makes you think the roommate is “mentally unstable”? If the roommate happened to be your child, while hopefully one would want their child’s behavior addressed, how would you feel if some armchair quarterbacks labeled them as “mentally unstable”… Its unkind and unsupported.
Thanks for your replies. My child has already stopped saying where they are going, has started doing most homework in the library and they don’t goto bed when ordered. My child does not feel threatened - they just feel uncomfortable when in the room - don’t feel like they can have people over, sick of the constant ordering around (which they do give in on a lot just to avoid confrontation), and the negative comments on their personality and intelligence. The roommate is always there so my child has no where to goto relax. I just am not sure if the school will consider it a minor personality difference or actually allow him to switch rooms. Its not like the roommate is partying in the room constantly, no smoking, drugs, up til all hours of the night, stealing etc. (that is what I mean by it could be worse).
This has just about every roommate situation out there. See if you can read about your situation online somewhere.
No need to put up with this crap. Do whatever you want on your side of the room. Gotta put on the big boy pants at some point but no reason he can’t discuss with the RA or counseling first for strategies to handle this situation.
If that doesn’t work look to move next semester.
If the roommate is commenting on his study habits, telling him when to do anything he is just projecting. Maybe his homelife is unstable. Your son needs to talk student talk to him. “Dude, don’t think I need you to tell me when to do X”.
Dude, I study differently then you. I need my space now. Maybe later we can go get some food.
"Dude, we got to talk. Don’t tell me how to act, eat, sleep, or be. If we are going to get along we need to compromise or I will switch out next semester "
I have known overbearing people that once you confront them they back off. It’s like they don’t even know that they are doing it. He might even be a nice" dude",once he realizes it.
If your son does nothing he will be taken advantage of… Like does he brush his teeth when the roommates tells him to? I hope not. Just fueling the fire at that point.
The roommate sounds deeply insecure and unfortunately his coping mechanism seems to be putting others down. Ugh!
The silver lining may be that your son learns to deal with this sort of toxic person which will help when he meets others later on. That said, I would guess the roommate will feel the need to use this coping mechanism with others, especially if your son is no longer a handy target.
If your son cannot relax in the room I would be inclined to (have him) push for a change.
Your s/d won’t know if they can get a room change if they don’t ask! Your child has a right to be comfortable in their own room, and to have input in choices/decisions. Delicate responses like “I don’t feel comfortable with that”, or “I think I’ll take a pass on that” or the like is a delicate way of saying NO.
Reaching out the the RA is exactly the right thing to do. Alerts the RA to issues, lets the RA address it , so it takes the pressure off your child, and addresses the controlling behaviors of the roommate with a third party/neutral party but person with some authority. That is the RA’s role.
Your son can put on headphones or whatever gives him privacy, and hang in his room. That way, he doesn’t hear the orders. The hope is that this becomes unsatisfying for the bully.
Or he may want to find another place – in a lounge, student center, coffee house. Nobody wants to feel like their room isn’t completely theirs, but if your son thinks of the room as a place to sleep and store his things, the arrangement may not feel so oppressive.
My child does not feel threatened - they just feel uncomfortable when in the room - don’t feel like they can have people over, sick of the constant ordering around (which they do give in on a lot just to avoid confrontation), and the negative comments on their personality and intelligence. The roommate is always there so my child has no where to goto relax. I just am not sure if the school will consider it a minor personality difference or actually allow him to switch rooms. Its not like the roommate is partying in the room constantly, no smoking, drugs, up til all hours of the night, stealing etc. (that is what I mean by it could be worse).