I have a H who, in the spirit of ‘improving things’, takes it upon himself to remove / replace / repair my things in my absence. I have just returned from a month away to fid he has:
Replaced the laundry basket (with an industrial bin) which had sentimental attachment for me
Switched my phone service - which means I’ve lost voicemails from my dad, which I’d saved for 10 years; now I have nothing with my dad’s voice
Added new, unneeded pans to my kitchen
Replaced my mixing bowls with better stainless steel bowls
Replaced the backdoor rug
Moved boxes and boxes of his papers into MY studio
I’m sure there is more but this is what I have discovered so far - it infuriates me; leave MY stuff alone!!!
When I first got married to my ex, he rearranged clothes in my dresser. We had a discussion about not touching each other’s stuff and about what we could purchase and dispose of communal stuff.
Many years ago my H decided it would be a good idea to clean and organize my closet while I was at work. I flipped out and he has not touched, organized, or come near my stuff since.
I’d be thrilled if H did this, but I can’t get him to get rid of his own stuff. My mom tossed her wedding dress (she got it used) after she got married. We bought H’s parents house and they left the attic, basement and refrigerator full. I once donated so many items of his clothing that when spring came he had no shorts. Unfortunately some of our kids inherited his tendencies. I do get the voicemails, had an issue with Verizon and lost my mom’s and I was gutted.
My husband is recently fully retired. He has decided we need to get rid of things we don’t use. He started with MY things and actually got rid of a few things I wanted. I politely told him to do his things and leave mine alone.
I will say, he has done a nice job with our landscaping this year!
One day I said it’s my stuff. I don’t do that to your stuff, so even if it’s dust, don’t move or get rid of mine stuff. If it bothers you, just ask me and I’ll organize it.
Now she says things like “the cleaner is coming, can you organize your dust?”
Oh gosh. I’m sorry about the voicemails! Some things can’t be replaced. And I also have weird attachments to odd things.
Fortunately H is even worse than me. We always joke about the likelihood of turning our house into an Airbnb. H doesn’t like family visiting and looking at his stuff. No way could he handle a stranger.
And we are also territorial about our food. We have a mom drawer and a dad shelf. Don’t touch the food in my drawer. We have communal cabinets and drawers. Mine’s off limits. (And so is H’s)
Oh, no. I’m so sorry about your voicemails. That’s heartbreaking.
My dad was the opposite of a hoarder. He threw out everything if sat somewhere longer than 5 minutes. I’m an only child, and when I went away to college, I left all of my high school memorabilia (yearbooks, letters, pictures…) in my bedroom closet. We already had an extra bedroom, and they weren’t planning on doing anything with it, so I didn’t give it a second thought.
He promptly went in there and threw all of it away.
Not as near and dear as your voicemails, but still upsetting. All my high school memories were gone.
In our household it is H who accumulates stuff. It drives me crazy. He will get annoyed if I just move his stuff over if in the way and has often accused me of taking his stuff (when in fact, he just can’t remember where he puts it).
As the person with less stuff, even though I go CRAZY over all his stuff, I never get rid of any of it. If I want him to respect my stuff, I have to respect his stuff and his own time and decision when to get rid of it. It’s tough but if I want the same boundary, I have to honor it.
DH always wants to get rid of other people’s stuff to “clean out” but the bulk of stuff needing to be addressed is his. I think/hope we’ve had enough “situations” involving disposal of my items that it won’t happen again. OP, I feel for you.
Having cleaned out the homes of relatives at deatg or downsizing, I know how much easier it is to deal with things to which you have no attachment or affinity. Throwing out those “easy wins”, because they aren’t yours, is a real jump start to a project!
I think I need to clarify - he got rid of perfectly good, and in daily use items (not things sitting at the back of a closet). I use the laundry basket every day; I use my mixing bowls every week; we walk on the backdoor mat, multiple times a day; I use my pots and pans every day, sometimes more than once - he just took it upon himself to replace some of the perfectly good items ie the laundry basket, for something newer - not better!
