<p>^ I think she just means in general, since her daughter took tests and scored high. So, like, “if she had been less intelligent (in general, throughout life), I wouldn’t have told her” since she already talked to her about it. </p>
<p>If it really happened, of course.</p>
<p>Joblue, I disagree. I just don’t think a parent is OBLIGATED to support an adult child. If it was something serious/life threatening, sure, but I simply don’t agree that at THAT age (child is an adult), the parent still has to put their hopes and dreams below that of the adult child.</p>
<p>Not the least of the reasons I say that is because I feel that too much sacrifice is a bad thing for both parties involved. I think either feeling you are in debt to someone (even if they don’t say anything - seeing them sacrifice their dreams) or feeling you are making the sacrifice is not good.</p>
<p>For the person “in debt”, I think it limits their life. It puts the pressure of not only having to succeed in the way they want but also to live up to the parent’s expectation - after all, they scarificed so much.</p>
<p>And for the person making the sacrifice, they may feel hurt if they sacrifice their dreams for their child, and then the child moves away, and they rarely see them any more; or if they want a better future for the child and the child decides on a job that offers very little money or financial security or decides to get a job that doesn’t require a college degree. I know people are thinking that it wouldn’t matter to them, but I bet it would to a lot of people.</p>
<p>It reminds me a little bit of paying for a wedding. Personally, I would not accept anyone paying for my wedding except for myself and my spouse. I feel that people don’t just want to pay for the wedding - they automatically feel (even if it’s not the original intention) that because they are paying they have the right to want certain relatives there, have input on how fancy the wedding is (even if the couple makes up the difference themselves), etc. And, if the reality doesn’t live up to the expectations, feelings are hurt.</p>
<p>Personally, I think the greatest gift you can give a child is setting them free and teachign them to pursue their dreams - making huge sacrifices in your own life for something like college (not life-threatening, etc.) is not the way to go, neither is putting your dreams on hold until you are in your 60’s and may or may not have the health to achieve them any more.</p>
<p>I think you are completely wrong about consensus here being all about your obligation to pay for your D elite school. Reread a lot of posts again, that is definitely not the consensus. Just the way you come across that caught people the wrong way with your daughter better get a full ride somewhere or else. Whether you want to admit it or not, if your D does not get full ride to somewhere, I like to believe you are not abandoning her and not let her go to college.</p>
<p>If there is no full ride, there is always, CC, loans, part-time jobs, state schools, etc.</p>
<p>Yuck. The post has such a sense of entitlement. Icky.</p>
<p>I, too, suspect a ■■■■■. Story does not hang together well.</p>
<p>And if you are not a ■■■■■ and get more satisfaction out of living in Asia than helping your child realize her dreams, so be it. Your loss.</p>
<p>Most of us have made tremendous sacrifices for our children. Comes with the territory.</p>
<p>For me raising a family is the cake. Travel, goodies, whatever – that’s just some very sugary icing.</p>
<p>But as many posters have said, it’s your right to make your own choices.</p>
<p>Don’t be surprised if your daughter doesn’t rush to your side if you ever need HER.</p>
<p>"If there is no full ride, there is always, CC, loans, part-time jobs, state schools, etc. "</p>
<p>Read all her posts again, there is no if, there is no what other alternatives…</p>
<p>I think it’s admirable that you would like to chuck your lucrative career for a low-paying, public-service-oriented position. But I have to tell you that if I were your daughter, I think I’d feel hurt by your priorities. It would feel to me as if you’d thought saving the world was more important than helping me. Perhaps your daughter is more evolved in her thinking than I am. </p>
<p>You have prioritized your retirement contributions (appropriate), your “investment contributions” (?), and your plans to quit your job before the age of 40 above providing her with the breadth of higher educational opportunities that you yourself had. You had very little educational debt, you’ve told us, and you have been making a good salary–good enough to give her unlimited support for her extra-curricular activities–for a decade now. Have you not been saving for college all along? </p>
<p>You note that you were awarded merit scholarships that you could have taken in preference to the need-based scholarship you ultimately accepted. Note that many merit scholarships are awarded to the most “meritorious” of students who also have financial need. I am not sure that your daughter’s options will be as many as you hope, no matter how talented she might be.</p>
<p>Your argument seems to be that all schools are equal and there’s no need for her to go to a selective private college. But you haven’t said that you’ll only pay for a state school; you’ve said you expect her to go to a school that will grant her a scholarship that covers all of her costs. I hope it’s your intention to step in if that doesn’t happen.</p>
<p>While I may have opted to attend schools that did not provide merit scholarships, I had a number of full ride purely merit offers. There may be fewer merit scholarships available now, but the rules of the game have not changed.</p>
<p>Actually, the rules have changed substantially. You were disadvantaged, your D is not. You were an attractive candidate with a hard-luck story, your D is not. You had the option of considering both need and merit schools- since your need is zero as defined by the gods of financial aid, your D will not have that choice.</p>
<p>Etc. Please, resume.</p>
<p>Momfromtexas got a lot of flak when she started those full ride scholarship threads, I remember.</p>
<p>I think there is a qualitative difference between a parent searching for full scholarship options because the alternative is incurring substantial debt, or even because the alternative is spending more than the family can afford. I haven’t heard of someone saying that they do not want to pay for college because they want to have the freedom to quit their job before the age of 40.</p>
<p>That is what seems puzzling, I believe.</p>
<p>OP thinks her dd’s URM status is a hook. Well, maybe not much of one anymore, if the Supreme Court rules against race preferences. Also, being a URM female isn’t as attractive as being a URM male, because there are so many more high-achieving URM females (unless it’s a STEM uni or major).</p>
<p>There are more than enough well qualified URM’s these days. I think URM is just a tip, anymore. Kids should be advised accordingly, imho.</p>
<p>Wow, a lot to digest here.</p>
<p>As a parent of a college freshman – the central advice being offered here by myself and others is that – in fact, the game has changed dramatically, and will continue to do so while your daughter is in high school. So a plan which relies on merit funding as the sole means to pay for entire college costs is a risky one. I, along with many others here, have encouraged you to learn more about the high stakes game this has become. The free ride is rare, and even full tuition merit award is hard to come by. </p>
<p>In state schools that give merit awards to high achieving students may be a way to get much of tuition paid. Room and board typically is another $10-15k per year. Students cannot earn that much through summer jobs and/or school year jobs. </p>
<p>Many of us have been through the heartbreak when a child full of promise and expectation hits a wall, for whatever reason – depression, illness, learning issues, rebellion – and their lives move to a new road that we did not expect. Parenting teenagers is humbling, because unlike when our children were younger, we cannot control every aspect of their environment nor can we ensure an outcome. </p>
<p>Good luck to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>On the pre-med forum many posters are encouraged to limit any debt during undergrad. And this regardless whether the parents have the ability to pay for undergrad. Since med school is so expensive, hundreds of thousands of dollars…it is in one’s best interest to minimize undergrad costs.</p>
<p>It is also stressed that the only major that counts is the one you succeed at. Along with the school one attends…it is not a significant factor in med school admissions. What does matter is how successful, GPA, MCAT scores, ECs, shadowing, research and volunteer ECs are demonstrated by the student.</p>
<p>So in the scope of med school saving the money by minimizing undergrad costs is wise. HOWEVER, along the way a student/scholar needs to develop. Knowing ahead of time what type of school will “fit” your student is being fore-armed. Hoping for it to happen and having it actually happen are two different things.</p>
<p>As a a young single mom I can understand your struggle. But as far as what I would do to encourage my children I tried not to limit their hopes and dreams. I didn’t have much to contribute financially but did everything else I could. If that meant moving 3000 miles across the country so we could live in a state that had affordable in-state college tuition (both UG and grad schools) then that is what I did. Five kiddos and one coast to another but it has worked for us.</p>
<p>My kiddos live by the mantra they have heard from me for years:
To whom much is given, much is expected.
My job was to encourage them to be more, do more than they ever thought possible. Still stressing it to them even now.</p>
<p>My younger one did have merit offers and financial aid packages. He choose both outside merit with a great institutional offer at an ivy. </p>
<p>Changed his life. </p>
<p>He’s now in med school, with a great scholarship. He’s hoping to “do much.”</p>
<p>If I had been in your position, financially, I can’t imagine what we as a family might have accomplished. </p>
<p>The financial aid landscape and merit scholies are changing much more rapidly than most know. What was for my URM kiddos is not what it is today. The scholarship he was awarded 2 years ago is now gone for our region. He has been grandfathered in, but it is changing EVERYWHERE. They were D1 athletes but the money is not the same today as it was just 3 years ago.</p>
<p>Yes, there is a game but the rules are changing and the win and loss outcome is different.</p>
<p>OP, you have been given much. Much is demanded.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>My first reaction to your thread title was…who does want to pay for college anymore? At the exorbitant rates for tuition and room and board, it takes a big chunk out of any family’s reaources. Even in state tuition can be difficult for some families who didn’t plan or save. Everyone wants something for nothing these days and it kind of makes me sick. I guess its true that people should wait until they are ready and able to be parents. It sounds like you are some what resentful of the things you had to give up to be a young, single parent and are just waiting to begin what you think will be the “good life” …free of the responsibility of continuing to support your child. Good grief… I hope I am misinterpreting your intentions.</p>
<p>Full rides are much more difficult to come by these days than even 5 years ago. Do not put this pressure on your kid.</p>
<p>This thread is a head-scratcher. If its all true, and the OP had her dau in her teens, she is most fortunate that she was able to secure that inexpensive childcare that would allow her (assuming she was a single mother from the time of the daughters birth) to complete her undergrad and grad schools without interruption. Thats a lofty goal even for those without the responsibility of parenthood.</p>
<p>And a single young parent from limited means turning down full rides to take out loans to attend elite schools? How much could she have taken out (esp with no collateral or cosigner) that could cover all those costs back then? Those loans were limited, even back then. If this is true, it is quite an accomplishment.</p>
<p>That said, have to wonder if at some level the OP feels she sacrificed her childhood and “freedom” for the parenting and academic responsibilities she undertook, and now at some level feels she needs or wants to recapture them. But, IMO, to do so at the expense of her dau, or to make her dau sacrifice like she did, seems unkind. Unless she gets a full ride (room, board, books, etc) for all 4 years, moms income will be counted in the COA (unless DD lives with dad for the year or 2 before college, and that may be a bad plan-- cant tell if he is in the picture much) and to expect the dau to be able to come up with the $$ is tough. This dau sounds like shes had lots of opportunities (middle class lifestyle with expensive extracurriculars) and hitting her in the 8th grade with the message that at 18 the well is dry (for college costs) would be a hard pill to swallow. </p>
<p>If the OP is such a believer that the full ride scholarships at the flagships or match schools are the way to go, why did she choose the opposite for herself? Mixed messages.</p>
<p>It almost feels like she is punishing her dau. The OP has worked hard to provide for herself and her dau. Whats another 4 years (if she is in her late 30s-early 40’s) to stick around in the high paying job, help pay for college and THEN become Mother Theresa and work in a lower pay, non profit type job. It just doesnt make sense to me.</p>
<p>Strangers were kinder to you than you are to your only child. That’s very sad.</p>
<p>It is appropriate to encourage your daughter to formulate a college list which includes potential merit scholarships, up to free rides–when she’s a Junior in high school. It is not appropriate to tell your 8th grader you expect her to pay for her own college education.</p>
<p>Your proposed life plan reminds me of Dickens’ character Mrs. Jellyby.</p>
<p>
Oh please, she’s a kid who doesn’t know diddly squat about college finances or the value of an education at a highly selective college. And she wants to please you and keep the peace. Get back to us when you’re packing your bags and trying to explain to your superstar senior why all her peers are attending highly selective schools while you, with adequate funds to send her to a similar college, are sending her to a college that is so much less selective that it was willing to throw tons of money at her to get her to attend–all so you can “retire” in your thirties and follow your dreams instead of helping her realize her own. Wonder how “on board” she’ll be then.</p>
<p>Deja vu. I read this EXACT post on college confidential within the past year. I think it was posted on the financial aid forum.</p>