I don’t want to get too far afield of the topic of downsizing, but since we have spilled over into family visits and who should travel to whom…
I have an acquaintance (wife of a high school friend) who has two daughters. One is nearby to her in Georgia. The other recently moved to Monterey, CA. This daughter has four, young children. The mom/grand mom has plenty of resources and flies to CA every five weeks and stays a week with (in their home) her dd, sil, and their four children. So, five weeks in GA, one week in CA, year-round. IMO, that is entirely too much. Her stance is that if she doesn’t go that often she won’t, “know,” those grandchildren. Now, I have no idea how her dd and sil feel about this, but if I were on the receiving end of that, I would not like the same someone staying in my house a week at a time that many times per year.
Just because grandma has the $ and ability to travel doesn’t mean that the adult kids shouldn’t be able to establish limits on how much is too much.
I would probably feel differently if she had her own place there and did not stay WITH them.
I do think a lot of it is generational. My dh put his foot down when our son was four years old and declared that we would be at our own home on Christmas morning. After that, we usually celebrated Christmas with the in-laws the weekend before. They did come and stay with us throughout the year but usually it was because they were doing something else in the area, so we were a free hotel. They much preferred our going to them. So annoying.
Well, yes. But, it was nice for my ds to be able to see his friends as well as us when he came, “home.” Now our home is elsewhere. I think had he still been in college, he would have been bored coming to see us somewhere he did not know anyone. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world, but I am personally glad that we did not move away until he was no longer going to have extended holiday breaks.
Obviously, everyone is different. All about people having what they want and different strokes for different folks.
We had no choice to move (job change) and I will admit that the first year D was coming home it was hard for her not having friends in the area. After that, she met friends from college that lived in the area and it’s been totally fine. Lots of her HS friends have come out to visit during their breaks and they are still all close.
The plus side of not having a big friend group in the area is that when she’s home, we get a ton of time with her because there are no other distractions.
Son is very happy that we own a house in San Diego and would prefer to visit us instead of us going to Seattle. None of his friends are still in our old home town. If he ever married and has children, we could probably fit them in but would need our inflatable mattress.
We used to visit my Mom’s parents in New Jersey every year and would go into Manhattan for theater, dining, shopping, et al. Those were great visits. I don’t think they ever came to visit us in Michigan except maybe my brother’s Bat Mitzvah.
We used to regularly drive to Michigan to visit my parents, and they would come into Chicago to visit us.
We visited my in-laws in Connecticut regularly and I only wish we could have stayed in a hotel instead of their house, but it never would have happened. My MIL’s ego was in synch with her house. Also due to the floor layouts there was virtually no privacy. I always felt like I was in the house in the Thurber cartoon.
I will not sell the family house and/or move while my kids are still in school (which is easy for me because we are still working, no chance of a transfer, etc! If we had to for some unforeseen circumstance…that is a different story.)
Spouse and I have had it easy - both sets of parents live nearby.
If we do end up moving, I like the idea of moving somewhere fun/interesting that my kids will want to visit. Or have a second home somewhere fun/interesting. My parents have a second home (within a couple of hours) in the mountains…and saw a lot of their kids and grandkids quite frequently. We loved it. They loved it.
My mother lived on the west coast, and I lived on the east. She spent just about every vacation day she had with my children, mostly at my house. My in-laws lived 20 minutes away, and they saw the kids MUCH less than my mom.
I can’t imagine not seeing my potential grandkids once a month. My daughter already talks about how often I’ll need to be coming to stay. If the adult kids want the visits, I think it’s awesome, but it needs to be candidly discussed.
My issue is not with her seeing her grandchildren once a month. My issue (which is really not my issue) is with her staying in their home for a week every 6th week.
But, hey - it’s none of my business. But, I would have gone insane if my in-laws had come up and stayed in my home a week 8-9 times per year. A weekend is one thing - a week is another. At least IMO. I don’t know her son-in-law, but I feel sorry for him.
My mother’s grandmother had four children. She stayed with each of them three months of the year. This was in the very old days, though – a hundred years ago. That was just what you did in those days.
My neighbor is one of eight, and she currently has her mom for six months. They moved upstairs to give her their first-floor main bedroom and bath. In June, she’ll go to another sister for the summer. In the fall, she will go back to the sister who seems to be the default person as she lives closest to the mom’s lakehouse, which is where the mom was living alone and full time but they won’t let her stay there alone anymore (the mom is 94).
These neighbors are looking to downsize to a neighboring state as they are about to have their first grandchild and are struggling with whether to keep their current house or sell at a huge profit. I don’t think they are yet willing to give up their current house in case they decide not to move full time just yet. They are weighing all kinds of things – losing the homestead exemption, etc – if they keep the house and rent it out. I adore these neighbors and would hate for them to leave.
My grandparents summered with us for a few summers when they moved full time to FL in the mid 70s. It was a joy having them around as kids but I know it drove my dad crazy having them there for so long.
Since we have an only child, we are hoping to buy a second home/small condo near where our D settles when/if she has children, or if she’s in a great location. (She’s hoping to get back to CO and in that case, we’ll buy a ski condo ; )). I feel like we’ll have more flexibility in visiting if we have our own place.
My secondary dream is that D and her partner will fly through Chicago for their vacation and drop children to us to babysit ; ). I already have visions of walking littles to the beach in a wagon, to the zoo, the play ground, etc… I also want to convert a little closet in an upstairs bedroom into a little reading nook. My neighbor did that for her kids and turned it into a “room of requirement” with Harry Potter robes, wands, a stuffed Hedwig, all the HP books and super comfy bean bags. I totally want to steal that idea!
Ha ha!! Probably true. I just look at it from the son-in-law’s point of view.
I have no doubt she is extremely helpful.
We are all skewed by our own perspectives. My mother-in-law (and my fil when he was living) expects to be treated like, a “gues” when she visits, so that is the lens through which I see this. My own parents died before I was even married, so I can’t imagine what help from my own mama would have looked like nor how my dh would have felt about her being around so much.
My mom would come to stay for maximum 4 days at a time. She called my guest room her room. In-laws live close enough to visit for the day.
I have two local kids and the other a 7 hour drive. She wants to build a ADU on their property for us to come stay for longer periods if she has children. I think her husband would prefer that to us staying in the house. No short term rentals or motels near their home.
My friend said her oldest has his in-laws come for months at a time. He married a woman from China and when her parents come they stay 4-6 months with them.
D did just that- a DADU and able to host either side of the family for visiting or others- in the making before GDs and now a plus. Very walkable town and we just take off walking to do groceries or walks. Love it.
Being very honest and with lots of love in my heart, I am not someone who would have been ok with either of my parents or my in laws staying with us for an extended period (read more than a few days) of time. Actually my father in law DID stay with us when my kids were younger after some surgery - I think it was at least a week if not a little more. We don’t have a first floor bedroom so had to turn the sun porch into a bedroom for him. It was very, very hard for me to have someone with a lot of need (who wasn’t a child!) in the house.
Catching up on this is all foreign to me. Growing up we both visited the grandparents and they visited us. Whoever traveled always stayed at the host’s house no matter how crowded it was or wasn’t. My sister and I had our “usual” bedroom(s) (pending house) and routines. It was a lot of fun, usually playing games along with conversation and whatever other socializing (adults and kids).
We did the same with our kids as they grew up - moreso with my side of the family - my mom’s side anyway - than H’s due to personalities. My mom often traveled with us. She even bragged to her friends about going tent camping with us on some longer road trips. Dad drifted away a bit post divorce, but that was his decision, not mine. He drifted back into our lives a couple of years prior to his death, though due to his hoarding, we stayed with my mom.
Now we do the same with our adult kids. We all look forward to time together. Our son who just moved to Puerto Rico has already asked us when we can come visit for a couple of weeks or month.
I love it that way and definitely have no plans to change.
My SIL is downsizing. She bought a condo and it’s 3 bedrooms 2 baths. It has a very small backyard with no grass and the front is maintained by the HOA. She wanted a lower maintenance yard. She was also tired of being the only one in a four bedroom house after her husband passed away. Besides the master bedroom, one room is a true guestroom and the other is the den with a sofa bed in it. It’s enough when her son, DIL, and granddaughter come to visit. Her son (my nephew) is an only child, so that helps. The rest of her family and friends live locally so it’s not like she has a ton of overnight guests.
I know a lot of people who want to get rid of the high maintenance yard. That was the main thing for my SIL. Also, her husband passed away and I think she wanted a new start. Their house felt so big and empty without him there…
If we had to for some unforeseen circumstance…that is a different story.)