I think it depends on the family and the family dynamics.
That is a lot, but that’s just me. Also, my parents wouldn’t have had the time to come see us that much. They had friends, they took their own trips. They also liked to go to the theater and chamber music concerts. They liked to work in their garden. They had appointments and commitments. It was the same with H’s parents too, but they did live nearby. We were all very close, but I would expect them to have their own life with their own interests and hobbies.
I have friends who downsized to a bigger house. They built a new place for retirement (this was years ago) and instead of smaller it got bigger. They envisioned the yet-to-be grandchildren coming to visit. And like so many of you they go to visit the grandkids rather than the other way around.
I figure I’m not ever moving if I can help it. We moved here 40 plus years ago to what was and still is a retirement community. My house is big but we tried to “zone” it to some degree. Master is main floor and it’s pretty self contained area altogether. AC is zoned so if not in use you just shut it off. We’ve got property but while others have some truly beautiful landscaped yards around us all I see is maintenance so we’ve kept as much natural as we can–you can’t see our house from the street.
We’re on water and that is something I’ll always have to have no matter what. A bunch of windows and nature’s TV.
So interesting to hear the differing perspectives on in-laws visiting/staying.
My mom’s mother lived with our family off/on (for about 2-3 months at a time) for about 20 years. My parents converted a garage into a bedroom/full bathroom on the first floor for her. Their whole house was pretty tiny (about 1650 sq ft) but we managed! My grandma had strong opinions but was very caring. I truly admired my dad for taking his mother-in-law to doctors’ appointments and bantering with her in good humor when she got feisty about politics and critized his views!
My hub’s family is also very caring but never contemplated an elder family member living with any one of the grown kids. It’s just not something they want and voted instead for institutional care. Everyone is different…I suppose there is no ultimate right or wrong.
Just really hoping my kids don’t vote on institutional care for me someday (unless absolutely necessary!).
When we moved to CO, we picked a house plan with first floor den guest-room and connecting bathroom/shower. The idea was that relatives could easily stay for long vacations. We were delighted when my mother opted to move to CO (with her dad transferring to nursing home here).
That guestroom has been handy over the years for various visitors, before the kids rooms became vacant. We were also able to use it when my mother was near the end of her Hospice time, no longer able to stay alone in her apartment. During early Covid I did not want to check her into a nursing home and not be able to visit.
That downstairs will become handy for US someday if surgery or whatever keeps us from doing the stairs. Alas, the shower is tiny - we have often thought about doing renovation and expanding it (there is space to do so).
H and I have talked about a couple renovations we could do to our place so FIL could move in with us if he ever wanted to. So far he prefers living on his own. However, he’s said he’ll keep it in mind if he ever feels he needs to go elsewhere. I know he’s not interested in institutional care. He despised having to put MIL there when her Alzheimers got to be too much, and that’s long after most would have considered it too much to handle.
My mom was supposed to continue extensive travels with us into these years, but cancer took her life way too soon. Still, I went up to be with her so she didn’t have to leave her house. Not one single regret for doing that on my part and it certainly wasn’t a chore. It was a combo of love and wanting to spend as much time with her as I could.
I don’t think I could handle Alzheimers for as long as FIL did though. That one is a beast.
I’ve heard the best retirement homes are those run by a non-profit/religious group. My FIL was in a Presbyterian home and it was wonderful. You don’t need to be that religion, but these homes are concerned with delivering the best care and helping people. Places owned by a company for-profit are just concerned with making money.
We had to have my FIL and mother in homes because they were secure. Both had a tendency to get out and not know where to go. I would’ve loved to have them live with us or remain in their homes, but their unique situations made us choose homes.
natty88 and kofkw - I’ve heard that too. I got to know some home health aides very well when they cared for my parents. They told me all the nursing homes in the area were bad (people left in their own filth, etc.) - no matter that they looked pretty from the lobby and cost $$$. The only exception they said was a Masonic-run home (you didn’t have to be a Mason to be in it).
That information was just really frightening to me. A family could be thinking they were doing the best by their loved one but behind the scenes it could be a totally different story. And particularly when someone is elderly and cannot communicate - they are completely vulnerable.
This may be why I’m giving so much thought to a ‘stage 2’ house that would be potentially near my kids and in which I could live as long as possible!!
I am not exactly sure what you men by “institutional care”. Do you mean a skilled nursing level?
Both of my grandmothers chose a retirement community (with a continuum of care) near (1 mile) their kids over moving in with them. The community was awesome - rec facilities, clubs, travel, dining, lovely grounds, shuttle service, great social oppty, etc.
My DH’s grandparents also lived in a similar community. They said they didn’t want to be a “burden” to their kids - wanted them to be able do their thing and not worry, etc.
My neighbor had to move her husband to an assisted living facility - she just physically could not take care of him (like when he fell). They had help in their own home, but he needed more. The decision was hard for her (it was not their “plan” - it never is) but he was much safer there. She chose a very nice, small facility - 8 residents - close by. They all became family.
So like most things in life, there are many pieces to the puzzle!
Rookiecollegemom - yes, you are right there are many varieties of care that involves outside organizations. Assisted living with private apartments all the way to bedridden folks needing 24/7 care in nursing homes.
In my hub’s family, the elder lived in a graduated care place - started out in an apartment with supportive activities, a dining room, etc. - but had a fully equipped apartment w/kitchen, etc.
The next level of care arose when some memory issues became more significant. That’s a locked ward type of situation. Very sad.
Not all memory care places are sad. Some do a great job of caring for residents and providing activities appropriate for their cognitive status.
We raised 3 kids in a 1400 sq. ft. house with one bathroom. I sold the house as part of a divorce agreement and downsized to apartments that are 500-700 sq. ft. My kids live in similar spaces. They visit me one at a time because there is only one couch
It is absolutely true that kids feel like they are visiting parents, but not “going home,” once parents move- if the kids originally had a longish time of residence in the house (not everyone does, some families move a lot.) My daughter told me this and it was an aha kind of moment.
My MIL totally expected this…and for all holidays and for an annual visit in the summer. Once all the siblings were married and had kids, it just was not possible for all of us to enjoy being there for a few days with two bathrooms, and limited bedrooms. So…we all started staying at a nearby hotel in the summer, and most of us with kids stayed home for Christmas at least.
I should add…we invited my inlaws to holiday and birthday celebrations at our house for many many many years and they never accepted the invite. Not once.
My mind recalls Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s. There’d be roughly 25 people for dinner and at least 8-10 spending at least one night at her house, often more. One bathroom, and for years that didn’t even have a shower, just a tub. No dishwasher. No eating out. No one ever stayed at a motel - those not staying the night lived within an hour or so away.
If we all could have changed one thing, it’d have been installing a dishwasher.
Otherwise, it was a blast - the adults often played Pinochle and we cousins had oodles of “old” toys and games we had fun with. My youngest aunt often played with us too. In my adult years I loved that my kids could enjoy the same old toys and games. They were worth something by then, but my grandma refused to sell any. She enjoyed seeing us kids play with them (said so herself). When she passed away I made sure to rescue our favorites. Every now and then we get them out for our game playing. (Countdown - a NASA game, Wide World 1963 version, Video Village, Stadium Checkers, As the World Turns, Go To the Head of the Class, etc)
For the holiday trips to my Queens grandparents, the 4 families did day trips. We were a few hours away so would continue on to the other grandparents (mom was an only child) on Long Island.
Family Story - After the Queens grandmother died, we did have a gang of 11 sleeping overnight after viewing hours, before funeral. One cousin organized us each for our 10 minute shifts for bathroom/shower. My husband and I got a real bed because I was pregnant at the time. Around 6am my grandfather, who probably had accidentally missed some meds, had a medical emergency. One cousin sleeping in the sun porch had to fold away her sleeper couch to allow the ambulance crew entry. My uncle’s wife kindly agreed to go to the hospital so that the 4 sibs could be at their mother’s funeral. Likely none of us will forget that stay.
Everyone is different…I suppose there is no ultimate right or wrong.
