Dreading Going Back To College After Break

Student Lounge College Life
1

Hello,

In short, I’m having extreme issues.

I guess this is to all current struggling college students who don’t want to go back after a month-long winter break and to the parents of college students who are hearing about it.

I’m a college freshman attending a CA state school 7 hrs away from home.

I actually posted back in November about how I was feeling and some backstory on my college experience so far. (It has not gotten any better. The month of December was the worst I’ve ever felt, mentally.)

My depression has never been worse. I’m dreading going back to school and it’s taking a major toll on my daily life.

I also live with my grandparents, and I experienced extreme homesickness when I was there, even though one of my best characteristics is being independent.

Now that I’m home and in the midst of winter break, I’m having crying fits almost every night pondering if I made the right decision and if I should be feeling this way, because I know many college freshmen do.

To the ones who don’t, oh my god you are so amazing! (and lucky)

I haven’t felt this depressed ever in my life, I was officially diagnosed with manic depression and general anxiety disorder in 2017 and I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom.

I can feel the depression every day, at some point of the day. It always starts in my right temple and the sadness is overwhelming for hours. So overwhelming that I could make myself cry in a number of seconds if I wanted to.

I did not have the time to cry or be sad a lot when school was in session, I was taking 5 classes and working 21 hours per week. I thoroughly enjoy being busy and did not feel stressed much. It is times like this when I’m alone and I get in my head about what is best for me and if I was even happy during my first semester. (I wasn’t though, lol).

So basically I don’t know what to do. I don’t even have the energy or motivation to get out of my bed and I have been waking up at 12 noon each day! So much for being productive. I don’t even have the urge to see my best friends. What’s wrong with me.

Living with my grandparents has also taken a toll on me. I’m so sad because they raised me (I have major family issues, parents aren’t in the picture) and I don’t know what I will do when they pass away. They’re in their late 80’s and it’s going to be like losing my parents all over again. I’m only 18 and I don’t know how much I can take.

I cannot see a therapist because my dad took away my health insurance.

Last night, I sobbed to my grandma (I never cry in front of others) about how I was feeling, and she felt so bad she almost started to cry. She gave me reassurance that I can make any decision I want, that I don’t even have to go back after break. Of course, naturally, I don’t want to give in and feel stupid. I fought extremely hard to go to a college far away from home and now I’m facing consequences. I thought I made the right decision. My entire family thinks I’m so happy and that I’m living the college dream. I send them the few photos of the FEW friends I have in college and it portrays an all-around positive experience. It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told.

I’m almost crying while typing this! This is just a long rant, I’m not looking for any attention. I am truly just wondering if there are any other students in my position, especially with the overwhelming manic depression.

I’m physically exhausted from doing nothing and I don’t know how to help it.

I’ll shut up now!

2

I urge you to text HOME to 741741, a crisis text line. A trained counselor will give you better advice than strangers on the internet can.

Please hang in there. There is help out there. My 20-year-old nephew ended his life three years ago. 1000 people came to his funeral. Some of them traveled from overseas to be there. If he had asked for help in time, he would have friends travel thousands of miles to help him. His death has shattered our family. Please do not do that to your family.

After contacting the crisis text line, you need to see a counselor immediately. Ask your grandmother to help you find one. If she can’t, the SECOND you get back to school, go to the counseling center. My 20-year-old daughter sees a therapist weekly, for free. It’s been a great encouragement to her.

My 23-year-old son was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was 16. With the help of doctors and medication, he is now studying overseas and helping Syrian refugees. I know he was suicidal as a teenager. I am so thankful that he hung in there and is having an amazing life.

3

Please listen to Mainelonghorn her advice is perfect. You need support and you are not alone. Things will get better!!!

4

@MaineLonghorn has amazing advice, and know that you aren’t alone. You have your grandparents and be sure to seek out the on-campus counseling service to have someone to talk to about this. Explore your options with this, and see what works best for you. You might not notice immediately, but things are going to improve with time.

5

I’m so sorry you are having a terrible time. I actually think it might be best for you to go back to college because you are obviously busy and productive there. You have a few friends, which is better than none. Sitting at home without professional resources to help you isn’t going to do you any good. Do all the things Maine Longhorn has suggested. You have a choice to stay home and continue feeling miserable, or go back to college, and maybe be miserable, but at least you will be very busy and not have as much time to dwell on it.

Meanwhile, your grandparents are still here. They might live for another decade or longer, so don’t put them in their graves just yet. Just enjoy your time with them and focus on the present.

6

@depressedandsad You will get by fine. Call the school and talk to your counselor. Tell them about your current circumstances and see how you can work things out. We are rooting for you.

7

It must be hard to think about leaving the comfort of your grandparents. I am sorry to hear you are at a low. We all hope you make a call to get some help today. Is there something fun or nice you can do today or tomorrow with your grandparents? Maybe you or they can plan some nice things to do this week before u head back to school? Like one of the posters wrote above, maybe school is best for you. It keeps you busy and on a schedule. And you can look forward to coming home in June when the semester ends.

8

Hugs OP, so sorry you’re going through this. First of all, you need to have health insurance and consider medication and therapy.Can you get insurance through your school? In the meantime, try to find ways to keep busy on break. If your grandparents are in their 80s, they likely need help around the house. Instead of thinking of them passing away, think about what you can do for them to show your love while they’re still here. Exercise is also a great help. When you start feeling depressed, go for a run and you might be surprised.

9

You have entered a period of transition, which is stressful for everyone. Moving from childhood into adulthood can be challenging, but you can do it. In time, once you’ve made the adjustment, the stress will ease up. You will gain from this experience the coping skills necessary to face transition periods that lie ahead.

It’s important to receive professional help in dealing with the manic depression and generalized anxiety disorder you’ve reported. You have had some significant losses. The transition may be bringing those losses to the surface. Getting help is good.

God bless your grandparents. They are loving people who wish to see you thrive. They’re rooting for you. I am, too. So are the others who have responded to your post. You are not alone.

10

You will need to build up a support network at your school in order to better weather the storm of having older guardians. Is there a mental health support group on campus? Maybe you can reach out electronically now so that you have a group waiting for you when you go back. And try to make an appointment with counseling services now. And free services in your area until then.