<p>Could someone take a look at my Duke University essay and provide some feedback? Thanks!</p>
<p>If you are applying to the Pratt School of Engineering as a first year applicant, please discuss why you want to study engineering and why you would like to study at Duke. (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)</p>
<p>Modern communication can now be considered a small rectangular metal device within hands reach, a technological innovation that stirs in me whenever I encounter it an urge to take apart our system of communication and discover the small nuances of mobile computing and wireless networks, in hope that understanding will conceive greater appreciation and inspiration. This wonder of engineering appears in almost every aspect of my daily life – including entertainment. Whenever I while away the hours on my PC game, I marvel at the convenience and efficiency of my computer network’s ability to convey real-time information and performance, mentally contrasting it with the bulky cubes that sparked the internet revolution. I watch cable television in my living room while imagining the electromagnetic and radio waves hopping from one network node to another, forming the foundation of our culture.</p>
<p>I know I still have to add the part about why I want to attend Duke, but how is this so far in terms of interest in engineering?</p>
<p>I feel like it’s needlessly wordy and you might consider toning down the vocabulary a bit so that it flows better. Also you only have 150 words to convey your feelings.</p>
<p>Vocab aside, do I sort of convey the message that I have an interest in engineering? (I’ll get to the part about actually applying to Duke for an engineering major later)</p>
<p>I would advise against posting your essay on a public forum. However, I would like to say that your essay thus far is kind of sloppy. The first sentence in particular drags on unnecessarily, so you’re going to want to be more succinct. Aside from that, as was stated before, you only have 150 words, so you’re going to have to essentially somehow cut what you’ve already written in half to fit the rest of why you want to apply to Duke.</p>
<p>The actual topic that you write about is, to me, a tad contrived. I highly doubt people actually “wonder” about the electromagnetic waves and the contrast between modern computers and those prior to the internet revolution. It doesn’t sound believable to me, and it sounds like you’re just trying to say what you might think admissions officers may want to hear.</p>
<p>Whether or not you actually do this while you’re playing your games, I’ll leave you with this advice. Go for the more academic side of you; ditch the games and ditch the fluff. You’re applying to be a student at their college, and they want to know why you fit and what you’ll bring to the table. That’s what you should be writing about.</p>
<p>Modern communication manifests itself as a…</p>
<p>…hands’ reach…</p>
<p>It is a technological innovation that stirs in me an urge (“when i encounter it” is superfluous)</p>
<p>I’d avoid drawing attention to your gaming addiction. After the opening sentence, i’d stop making reference to communications and just focus on the engineering. Communications and engineering are really 2 separate concepts u are confusing together.</p>