<p>(I missed my edit window.)</p>
<p>I meant to say,
“…break is what she needs,…”
“…hold up her head…”
and “…sometimes a hug…”</p>
<p>purple acorn has such good advice. as a parent of a Duke 09er who graduated econ with a 3.4 GPA, I will share our reality check. Our earnest striver grad from a Governor’s HS in Sciences made a big C in Chem. Not honors chem. But he had lunch with Professor Bonk because they both loved classical music and loved to discuss it. If he had been a bit more mature and a bit less giddily social, perhaps he could have pulled out a B but…he was average at Duke. That is right. Average at Duke.<br>
Nevertheless he still hung on in Econ. He retook his first Calc class which meant dropping a course he was doing badly in during a semester he rushed (and no, we are not Greek fans but he did get a great deal of moral support in his Greek affiliation academically). That cost us five grand…when he had to go to his dean, admit he was stumbling and he dropped a course (Duke doesn’t allow this often but he also had mono).He made a B in the same course a semester later. When he had also recognized his limitations and the reality that he has to study more hours than some of his peers for similar outcomes. </p>
<p>Be prepared for the ups and downs and learn to define success in broader ways at Duke which is well stated by purple acorn. Find your social supports. Our son found support in his FOCUS courses and intimate contact with faculty there. He is still close to members of his FOCUS group. He was also active in the Symphony which was a great alternative to greek life. My independent Vandy son who did not rush and was not interested in Greek life always did Alternative Spring Breaks at Vandy. Highly recommend. Friendship is always the balm of Gilead. And it is an art form to come to terms with the reality that the SAT does not even begin to measure the math talent that you will find in every classroom at Duke. Prepare to meet the kids for whom mastering the SAT math section was nothing. My son’s near perfect math SAT did not mean he would be top quartile in an Econ class. </p>
<p>But he learned to get a backbone, to cheer on his wonderful friends and to get a tutor. His tutor in Econ/Calc was a guy from a small town who was a stone cold math savant. What a great guy. Now in Teach for America. It did take a while for our son to recognize that he would be hiring tutors to make B-minuses instead of Ds on Econ exams. It also took a while for him to realize that he is smart and talented but not a savant. Therefore Duke was a full time job. Get up at 8, eat breakfast, and treat studying like a 9-5 job. Always Always attend lectures. He ditched the habit of sleeping in and he learned to turn out his light at 1am. This was difficult because in this New Age the kids are up skypeing and chatting online and they have so many many distractions to studying. Sleep deprivation is real on college campuses today because of our overly wired society.<br>
A 3.4 from Duke has gotten our son two great jobs. Businesses know he has been in a rigorous work environment, just like a 3.4 from Georgia Tech will register in the work place. You can still ace your GMAT or LSAT or GRE just like you did your SAT and ACT. </p>
<p>Impress on your sons and daughters that Duke requires a 40 hour a week mentality re actual clocked study hours. And that grades are not the same as in high school. </p>
<p>Encourage them to not have to be so good, so perfect and encourage them to explore. A semester abroad often costs the same or less than a semester at Duke. Make the time for that. Lateral growth as a young adult is required, personal growth is required before selection of graduate and career plans. </p>
<p>Our son insisted on also double majoring in history. We would have preferred he did something more practical like the management courses (accounting, marketing) that he has to go back and take now as a 27 year old with a job going to night school. But he embraced his last chance for something he loved to learn about. He looked forward to every history class and assignment and the higher grades earned there. And he toughed out Econ. Even if you are not an A student, tackling math at Duke in all forms will strengthen you for the workplace. Duke B student uses his Econ training daily. </p>
<p>Duke can be a tough environment for managing anxiety. Make sure to reach for the arts and for whatever brings you joy and friendship. Be active physically. Spread out your challenges. Drop a course and add another. My Vandy son interviewed for four things freshman year and was rejected at half of them. Expect that. Allow yourself a step up and two steps back. Personal development from ages 18-23 is not a linear process. Our Vandy son started debate, found he couldn’t study enough when traveling on weekends and quit. He also by the way dropped a course he did badly on for the first six weeks. Failure and coming up with Plan B is part of maturing. You have to go to an academic dean to get dropping a course approved on your own two feet. He took up a couple of other campus activities instead. Prepare for the move to West Campus mentally. Start looking at Greek and non Greek living groups or start mentally preparing to be Independent. </p>
<p>It is hard to take these phone calls as a parent. It may take a year or so before your daughter goes to her GFs to complain about her day and her anxieties. We thought our Duke son was an introvert. Turns out he was just waiting to be a Dukie. I was relieved when he started turning to his freshman dorm friends to deal with his fears, insecurities and with his ups and downs. I missed being informed and sons in general are less likely to call up parents to “share”…but I took a look at his very able hall mates and realized that most of them could give him the advice, support and cheer he needed.</p>
<p>The other thing to tell your daughter, because it’s something that I am personally working my way through, is that it isn’t as easy as it actually looks, for anybody. Everybody at Duke is struggling, even if they seem perfect, and everybody (especially first-years) goes through what she is experiencing.</p>
<p>I would agree that you should take her out on her birthday, but I would negotiate it ahead of time. Have her estimate what she needs to get done for her full set of classes on Friday and how much time it’ll take. For me, I need times-- so it can’t be dinner, but it needs to be ‘forty-five minutes.’ Also consider doing something fun and easy on Thursday-- dinner in MP with swipes, or in Brightleaf within walking distance-- just to give her some support, and then do a longer celebration over the weekend.</p>
<p>Faline2, I really appreciated your post. It’s making a slightly stressed out but just very busy '17er feel a lot better, so thank you. Lots.</p>
<p>you are most welcome, purpleacorn. I am sure you will graduate and enter that large Duke alum group hailing from Texas, and that you will look back and be proud of yourself. Duke is a distorted reality base after you kids all jumped through so many hoops as required by well meaning adults who guided you in high school and at home. Now you have to dig deep for discipline to maximize your use of your classroom opportunities but you really don’t have to think like one of the sheep in a herd anymore. Be strong and keep some perspective about what a beautiful thing it is to be part of one of America’s greatest research college campuses for four years.<br>
I did want to caution the OP that Thursday night dinner out may actually impede study time so be prepared for a shorter quicker meal. (I imposed myself on Duke B student one Thursday evening and he had an exam the next day…he would only agree to see me in the freshman coffee shop on East). Two hours of evening alert time can cost you if you have a deadline on Friday.
Bonus points if most of the time you can maintain your big wider Texas view of reality and remember that the key to mental health is to hold steady to a good opinion of yourself while also conveying at all times a high opinion of others. </p>
<p>One thing I loved about my Duke B student…is how he had so many respectful awesome things to say about his Duke teachers, even when he was “average” and even when he was “anonymous”. Everyone at Duke has talent(s) and discipline to make the most of the talent that is theirs. Everyone as you pointed out at Duke is also young, vulnerable and in transition. Transitions are unsettling but you are growing when you are reinventing yourself and mastering new things.</p>
<p>You do not have to be that perfect college applicant you were as a senior anymore. Both of my sons were in that category at age 17/18 and they really missed out on time in life for more lateral living and for the privilege of not always pursuing goals. Times have changed. Less was required of your parents at this age.
I don’t think students are told that they will feel dissonance at college. Dissonance leads to chapters ahead of you where you are more in balance. Followed by dissonance, followed by integration and balance. All part of the circle of life.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the outpouring of support,and sharing of experiences. I only hope that I will be able to share them with my dd. I was pretty severely chastised for even posting on CC. All of your comments and ideas are certainly helpful to me .Thank you or putting things in perspective. keep fingers crossed that she will be receptive.</p>
<p>@lavenderjade - I have been severely chastised before too! You did the right thing by posting on CC. We all know how unsettling it is to be a parent and get the kind of phone calls you have been getting. As a parent of a sophomore at Duke and senior at Pomona I can only tell you that the positive growth you will see in your D over the next four years in every part of her life will be extraordinary. It will all work out - I’ve been there too!</p>
<p>What are your feelings about a four day break, then two weeks later Parents Weekend, then 4 weeks later Thanksgiving, two week after that finals and end of semester? How much back and forth is “healthy”?</p>
<p>Personally I think Parents weekend is skippable unless you are invited for a reason to share an experience with your student (watch them in a band or performance, attend a football or sporting event with friends and their parents, hear them sing, attend a parent gathering in a Greek or social group, take them shopping for winter clothing etc.) </p>
<p>Our sons enjoyed nice dinners/breakfasts out --with only us --during which they felt they could bring up a worry or a problem they had not felt moved to discuss on the phone. so create a quiet place. </p>
<p>Duke son brought a Duke student from a far away home for fall break freshman year. He enjoyed the rest and TLC as our guest. </p>
<p>And our sons also seemed to like being taken to dinner by other students’ parents during the school year as their classmate friendships deepened. (this leads to by the way…their asking you if they can go to the home of friends for fall break and to other plans made for spring break down the road). I think we had one spring break total in eight years that was spent with us. One son did volunteer alternative spring break every year…the other did Greek things.</p>
<p>If you go to Parents weekend, make sure to do a couple of quiet not group things to provide a place for a conversation</p>
<p>and expect to have limited time with your student outside of meals or an event or two. </p>
<p>In terms of determining what is healthy…I think this varies as much as how much one student texts home daily and another student does not text home much…but texting patterns signify nothing. Some kids like to interact and kvetch with parents and some don’t but they all get on their feet solo. I don’t think it is a measure of how close you are to your parents if you see your parents more often or text often or talk to your parents once a week. </p>
<p>We live closer to UVA but sent our kids to schools further away. Local parents here would show up in Charlottesville for drop in lunches frequently with their kids and that was the norm at our instate flagship where the parents also have emotional and history ties to the colleges themselves. I note this with some wistfulness. </p>
<p>At Duke where the students were from all over the planet, parents were a bit conspicuous if they were there. And trips for us to Nashville for us were inevitably expensive re time, gas, hotels and meals out. </p>
<p>Don’t worry about too much home visits freshman year is my thinking. In a year or two, he or she will be proposing uses for these breaks that will surprise you and probably not include you.</p>
<p>We live about a ten hour drive from campus - too far for our freshman daughter to drive for the four-day fall break. Instead, we decided to have rmlmom drive to campus for the long weekend, giving DD more time to study but still enjoy the connection to home.</p>
<p>We will be skipping Parents’ Weekend this year, but might enjoy it next year. DD will come home for first time over Thanksgiving.</p>
<p>My family won’t be coming to Parents’ Weekend (for economic and practicality reasons), and for those same reasons, I won’t be going home until Christmas. I will, however, be at an event on campus during Parents’ Weekend and speaking, which will be interesting.</p>
<p>A lot of my friends are staying, at least, for Fall Break, unless they live in surrounding states. I have gotten invites from friends who live in NC and surrounding areas for day trips during Fall Break/Thanksgiving invites, so there are always options.</p>
<p>So how’s everyone’s kids doing now? Lavendarjade - I hope your daughter is adjusting! Has she taken any of the advice from here? My son MIGHT take some help from Math Office hours (he can’t understand his prof, but now many multicalc profs have opened up their hours to all multi kids). So one day he seemed overwhelmed, and now he seems back to cocky! Staying up til all hours, skipping lectures (ones he claims not to really need). He is loving his time there, which is great, but I feel like he is paying a price and it will catch up with him. He is sick with a nasty cough, he’s lost about 10 lbs (he was not overweight) and was exhausted the first few days, which took a toll on those around him (especially me). At least he did his own laundry (but he did it while standing on top of the clean load he took out of the dryer and dumped on the floor!!) I get caught between the parenting line of “where did I go wrong” and “that’s just how he is and he will experience the consequences of his own actions as he grows up”.</p>
<p>memories of picking up my Duke09 grad son from school for winter break. He had a fever, had only been sick really for 48 hours. Took him to our pediatrician and he was tested for mono and was positive. Spent winter break in bed.<br>
Being up till 2am-3am instead of till midnight like in high school under our watch wore his reserves out. After a month of rest, he returned to “surprise” us by rushing. He had three bids, our former introvert. Of course he also relapsed. That is the semester he was hoping to “bring up his bad first grades in Calc” with the next test. Before he went to the Dean and dropped it entirely. (bye bye 5 grand in cash). But he learned his lesson by second term freshman year.<br>
New chapter in life was A. Bed at midnight, B. Eat Breakfast C. study like hell in the library during daylight hours (no more kidding yourself that you can make up for a failed test) and use tutors as needed since Econ is difficult for most people. He did make a B in Calc next round. Growing up is about learning your own limits, abilities and vulnerabilities. I didn’t like him rushing because I have some negative feelings about Greek life. But he learned that it made him happier and gave him a sense of family and brotherhood on campus. His brothers were good examples as students, I will admit and were supportive of him, attending his concerts etc.<br>
Things change. The kid flew home from an entire semester of Duke abroad and arrived at 11pm. For some reason I thought he was coming in at midnight. There he stood in the cold, handsome, grown up, handling all his own affairs with aplomb, having gotten around the world just fine solo and had a fabulous academic experience to boot. Haven’t seen much of him at home since.</p>
<p>Faline - I was loving your post until that final sentence. I feel like you punched me in the gut.</p>
<p>After reflection, I realize that it is wonderful ending to an exciting story. Congratulations on his continued growth and maturity.</p>
<p>I agree that they have to figure things out on their own - just hard to stand by and watch sometimes. While my S was home over this past weekend for Fall Break, I THINK we talked him out of doing the “black tenting”(8 weeks) in addition to hopefully pledging a fraternity and, of course, keeping his grades up.</p>
<p>On another note, does anyone have any recommendations for a restaurant for Parent weekend? We are taking my S, my nephew and his girlfriend so nothing TOO expensive but on the nicer side. Thoughts?</p>
<p>thanks, rmldad. He will be 27 in a month or two. But there was a transition at Duke. Always a good responsible kid…just like all Duke admits. But I really think college is about finding mentors beyond your parents. When I think of Duke, I didn’t really “get” the intimacy with teachers that I might have wanted for my son or imagined for him (he was admitted to Bowdoin for instance). But I take my hat off to his peers as teachers and mentors. My God those kids were already so able and interesting. He learned so much from so many of them on how to get things done.<br>
With the bottom having dropped out of the economy in his senior year and job prospects as poor as they were for him then, the rigor of Duke prepared him for the rigor of the work place like nothing we could ever have done for him at home. At the same time he got his wings, he gained 10 friends to call when he needed advice, guidance, boosts. Although this is what we want for our kids! It does mean that they move on to others for their day to day sustenance. My husband and I have found that our son needed us about three or four times in the last year and we are honored when he calls to discuss a difficult matter in the work place or in romance or in finding housing or whatever. Makes us feel good. But we still have a 22 year old a little earlier in the game of life.</p>
<p>can’t resist mentioning our son’s own secret pledge to black tent (secret from us that is)…he got a cold the second night and dropped out. Hated disappointing the friends who were annoyed with him but he didn’t have the physical strength and smarts to do that and to study in the tents. One of his best friends was Tent Head Honcho senior year. Seriously, there are students who are like the unsinkable Molly Brown…nothing phases them. laptops huddled in tents in the rain and 40 degree weather No Problem.<br>
Son turned out to be highly social at Duke and attended tons, and I do mean tons of cultural, musical, and sporting events. But he learned his own sleep requirements. My Vandy son, who is a good orator, stayed up all night one night in a classroom at Vandy studying and performing for a Speech requirement that was a big deal. He arrived in class, was called on and couldn’t remember a thing. That is what it took for him to give up all nighters. Pains me to think about it but I am smiling as I type. I knew it would be funny some day. He had a good reason to start studying for the midterm of the only academic class he dropped (bye bye more money) at 11pm another night. He went to a meeting at the Vandy newspaper where he committed to writing more articles which required of course more events to attend. Then he went to see General Petreaus talk…can’t miss that for a silly geology exam. He really thought he could learn a huge unit of science from midnight till 6am.</p>
<p>Oh the stories! I THINK I feel better! </p>
<p>And the black tenting… I totally forgot that he said he and his friends plan to do that… uh oh… he’s not even a basketball fan! I guess that’s not really the point, huh? He is an engineer and he and his friends plan to build some super sturdy, insulated structure! Ha! :D</p>
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<p>Unfortunately, they changed the rules this year and aren’t allowing students to build their own structures - last year was supposedly crazy with some of the innovation. Only store-bought tents and tarps are allowed now…I guess it had to do with liability or something. I never did black tenting or blue tenting, but did the “easy” white tenting all four years, which only required a few nights in the tent and probably 10-15 hours during the day over the course of a few weeks (as well as personal checks, which is basically a huge party, for the two nights before the game). Was not bad at all and worth it!</p>
<p>Can someone please explain the difference between white, blue, and black tenting. Thank you</p>
<p>[Krzyzewskiville</a> | Policy](<a href=“http://kvillenation.com/policy]Krzyzewskiville”>http://kvillenation.com/policy)</p>
<p>Full rules are here: black tenting is the longest and starts the earliest (but you also get the ‘best’ tickets), followed by blue and then white, and then the walk-up line.</p>