@Creekland It was 25 years ago when my Dad dropped me at college 13 hours away by car. He got my stuff up to my room. We went and found the golf course. Then we found a place to grab a pizza and I had a beer with Dad. Then he left probably the first thing next morning. I didn’t have a parent for some of the stuff over the next couple of days. I actually can’t even recall what things we did. To me it was no big deal and I understood why he left. He was a union tradesman. If he didn’t work he didn’t get paid. I survived and figured it all out. Sorry your kiddo didn’t quite take it that way.
You do bring up a good point. We as parents should be where we are needed on those days. D19 has a meeting for her early program that includes parents. Once my wife and I read that we cringed, but we will be there for our D19. After that and dinner if need be we are booking out of town and letting our little one spread her wings.
Thank you for posting the pineapple story again. It gave me lots of laughs the first time around.
A good friend told me not hang around a lot after move-in and that was great advice. Students want to participate in activities and get to know their new friends, having parents hang out too much impacts those experiences.
One bit of advice I can offer parents is if your child will be attending a big state school, see if there is a special freshman orientation trip and/or early move-in. Our first child attended Ohio State which was 2k miles from home. He did Camp Buckeye which was a 3 day adventure in the wilderness right before move-in. He also was an OWL “Ohio Welcome Leader” where incoming freshman get to move in early for free, attend fun events and then two days later help the other 8k freshman move it. It was great because just the two of us could do the move with out the crowds and he could get to know his campus under calmer circumstances. By the time the other freshmen arrived, he had made friends through the two programs and adjusted really well and didn’t seem overwhelmed. I flew out with him and just ran his errands and pickups. I left the afternoon after his move-in which worked out well (I had run more errands while he did OWL orientation).
With second child, she did Wreck Camp at Georgia Tech which allowed her to move in early. Again made it calmer and she had made friends so it was a lot less intimidating being 3k miles from home.
These pre-move programs were cheap or free.
I agree with @Creekland that you need to find out what the expectations are for parents at that university. For D1 it was a morning move in, wander campus, an afternoon one hour orientation for her major then goodbye. For D2 parent orientation was a 2 day affair. That D also did a pre-orientation trip. Good thing I could do the round trip in a very long day as I did the move in, went home for three days, then returned with H.
I think I avoided embarrassing them during move in.
I definitely think the issue with my lad was the fact that other parents stayed - it was expected they stay. If he’d gone to a school (like mine) where parents mostly dropped off and left I doubt there’d have been a problem. He’d been miles away from home before multiple times (even countries away) without us, but those were all “expected.” Nothing made him feel left out. I think this was the first time he felt left out and lonely at the same time. This led to him seeking out folks. That alone wouldn’t have been bad either if he’d met nice folks. However, the main person (adult - another mom of a student) he ended up confiding in (for quite a bit of time after orientation - years) was “helpful” enough to explain everything we did wrong as parents (aka our parenting style wasn’t the same and obviously we were horribly wrong). He fairly quickly ended up ending all relationships back home (friends, co-workers, etc) over it. He didn’t end our relationship, but it’s been very limited. Not just us but brothers too.
I ache over missing that time with him because if we’d been there I don’t think he’d have been as vulnerable. My other lads continued into adulthood quite normally and have kept our close, loving relationship. They share our sadness about their older brother and what happened.
Fortunately we see some improvement lately, so I’m hopeful the “disease” he caught from that other mom will wear off and old memories will rekindle. Time will tell.
Wellesley had an orientation for the new parents after we had moved our kids in. It lasted maybe an hour, and at the end, they told us to say goodbye to our kids and leave. I can’t imagine anyone not getting it.
At Oberlin, the upperclasspeople helped you unload your car, so you didn’t need to carry a thing. My son’s roommate’s parents and I just Lysol-wiped everything down and said goodbye. Sophomore year, S’s older sister came along and organized his closet. We stayed out of it. We did see quite a few families hanging around and heard a couple of people audibly freaking out about the all gender bathrooms. I’m sure their students were less than thrilled.
@Creekland I totally get it. Our daughters Roomate didn’t have a problem with her parents leaving til she tried to round up others on her floor to go get lunch that first day. “Oh no sorry, I’m eating with my parents. Dinner tonight, um our family has reservations at the local nice restaurant. Tomorrow? Well I’m going with them to the University sponsored family brunch”. But for sure we can do something after this weekend. “.
The poor girl heard a variation of this over and over.She was definitely pissed at her parents.
We really want to drop her off and then go do our own thing, but it looks like there are at least a few family events that day. We are negotiating which things she most wants us to be there for. All the measures to make a production of it feel a little weird. She’s pretty independent and usually doesn’t want us around, but she also doesn’t want to be the odd kid out by not having her parents there. They do kick the parents out before dinner, so there is that.
Denison has made the question of when to leave pretty easy. It’s right there on the move-in day schedule - 8 p.m. Parents Depart. Maybe they’ve learned from past experience.
Yes, and when Denison means depart, they mean quickly! Induction is lovely, as first years process in, between an array of faculty applauding them. Students sit with roommates, hall mates etc. for the ceremony. When Induction ends, there is an announcement about where students meet their Aug O groups. As parents at Induction, you have a couple of minutes to meet up with your student for a hug and then they are off!
Maybe someone could have invited her to join their family?
One of my kids went on a 3 day bike ride offered to freshmen, so she moved in early and I was in and out pretty quickly. She was included with the other kids in the activities on Friday night (real move in) and all weekend. I don’t remember if the first football game was that weekend (I think so) and a friend from Kindergarten asked her to sit with her family.
@twoinanddone We did. As did a family for @Creekland kid. But unlike your kid where it sounds like it was her decision to do the early move in along with others so she wasn’t the only one in the situation and it wasn’t a result of your doing. But my kids roommate like creeklands kid had parents who seemed to the kid (correct me if I’m wrong @Creekland ) to have left without paying attention to the fact that this wasn’t how things were being done by other parents and made the kid mad that their parents unlike what seemed like everyone else’s couldn’t figure this out.
@Massmomm, be forewarned, they may help you move in, but they don’t help you move out !! And those carts that help move all your stuff upon entry are nowhere to be found at exit time either !! (This is at Oberlin I am referring to).
( Or at least that was our experience, several years back).
My parents didn’t hang around either. Just dumped my stuff. But of course when I went to college there was no orientation, no before school trips, few opportunities for study abroad, etc… there were phones in every room and you had to physically stand in line to register for a class. When my mother went to college girls were required to be in their dorm by 10 pm…They had to sit at dinner til everyone was through…they couldn’t have anyone of the opposite sex in their room
I didn’t want or expect my kids college experience to mirror mine amy more than I wanted mine to mirror my mothers. What my parents did is ridiculously irrelevant to what makes sense today.
I told our story above, but should add that D and her roommate both arrived a week early for a school sponsored camping trip. When regular move in came around, neither of them had parents there so they hung out together. When middle son attended the same school, D was already an RA and had to come up a week early, so S registered for the same trip and we took them both up a week early. S didn’t want us around at all. He went to orientation with D and the mother and sister of a local friend of his who was attending the same school (the sister, not the friend).
Well, I feel a little bad that the mom who planned with her spouse on staying near the midwestern LAC for a month after moving her D in doesn’t post anymore. There was quite a bit of CC piling on involved, but she claimed that this was necessary because the D was anxious. Then a semester or two later she came back and said that her D didn’t get along with people there, perhaps because she was too beautiful. And you all just remember the pineapple story!
Thanks for the warning, @Midwestmomofboys, I’m going on my own to move S19 into his dorm at Denison, flying internationally . . . and, I’m the crybaby in the family, so it’s good to be prepared! He’s actually flying over first on his own for a pre-O canoe trip, and he’ll be able to move in early, but I still decided to go for move-in day and convocation - make sure his bank account and phone are set up, bring some extra clothes, take him to Target, meet the roommate, etc. No pineapples.
Enjoying this thread!
Something to do…each family gets their own time in the dorm room.
I know this can’t always work out but it’s nice if it does. Last year one roommate moved in early due to ROTC. We arrived on move in day and had about an hour to get everything in the room and loft the bed before the third roommate go there. We got a chance to meet the roommate and his parents and then excused ourselves to go to lunch to give the third roomie and his parents their time in the room. This worked out so nicely so everybody got some alone time in the room.
@CheddarcheeseMN - I remember that poster and her threads! Ha! It took me about 5 minutes of googling to find her daughter IRL. (Maybe that’s a cautionary tale about revealing too much of one’s self on CC?) Anyway, looks like that D is still at that LAC, so college move-in must have gone okay…