<p>My daughter loves, loves, loves college. What's not to be happy about, right? Well, summer break, for one. I'm a sensitive, empathetic person and I'm pretty sure that I won't say things that are wrong, but I'd still like some tips on helping my daughter make the transition to home.</p>
<p>Let her sleep 22 hours a day and there should be no conflicts 
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<p>Just kidding. But do expect her to be rather lazy in the beginning.</p>
<p>Don’t try to be helpful. Expect to have clashes- don’t let yourself be hurt too much by her behavior. Discuss new ground rules for life at home- she is used to not following old rules or keeping you posted when she is out. Start relating to her as an adult- common courtesies such as when to expect her home, for meals, chores… </p>
<p>Agree on letting her sleep. Enjoy her presence- this may be the last summer she will be home.</p>
<p>Think about it this way. When your daughter comes home, it’s like you and her are going to be dropped into a new place, and you’re going to be blindfolded. You’re going to have to slowly, carefully, feel out the contours of your new surrounding, and sometimes, inevitably, you’re going to bump into each other. But eventually, you’ll figure out where you are, and where the boundaries are, and how to operate in the new space. Give it time.</p>
<p>I will give it time. Last summer was hard; she really missed her college friends. I can cope, but I wish I could help her feel better here. I am glad she can come home and actually wants to come home. I didn’t live at home after the August before I started college (except for a brief interlude when my husband and I were between apartments), because I didn’t feel comfortable at all there.</p>
<p>It would probably help if she was busy. I found that once I was at college, prolonged visits where I didn’t have a lot to do always caused friction. My parents would work all day and I’d be at home anxiously waiting for the car. Then they would come home and I’d want to take off in their car and they would want to spend time with me at home. I got restless and irritable from being at home, being lonely, not having much to do to keep busy. My parents got annoyed because I was always underfoot and often sullen. </p>
<p>Best remedy for all of this: I got a job or an internship. Then my days had structure, order, and purpose and everyone was much happier. If a job or an internship aren’t a possibility, maybe a volunteer activity or something similar that’s going to take up at least some of her day.</p>
<p>What a great opportunity for you both. You can take her out to a cafe in town (I get furthest when outside our usual regression-triggering living room). Ask her how her life differs now than when she used to be at home in h.s. (such as: she stays up later, room more disheveled or less…etc.) Just listen. Don’t judge. Be amused. </p>
<p>Then describe to her how your life, too, was different than before (dinner at off hours, fewer chauffeur duties, missing her company).</p>
<p>Then ask: what would be the kind of place we’d both like to reside for the summer? She might have: "someplace where I can come and go without being questioned; vegan food; don’t treat me like a baby…whatever she says, just listen…).</p>
<p>Then say what YOU think is the kind of place you’d like to occupy all summer (chances for short convos to find out about her day, long walks in the park together once/week, no return of old laundry duties from her, help with car-cleaning…) or whatEver’s on your mind.</p>
<p>Then try to set up a new set of expectations together. Even write them down and post on refrig if needed. It’s like drawing up a new contract. It’s exciting to do this more as two adults who are used to responsibilities. I never actually wrote anything down but the conversation was something we did go back to. I forgot my pledges, too, and was sometimes reminded. </p>
<p>Put down the tug-of-war, power-struggle rope that sometimes comes up between parent and child. Both can drop it. Instead, get on the same side of the rope and look at “the problem” or “the hope” together across the rope. Your Problem is: you both want to have a nice summer but may need some new understandings, since you’re both older. I’ll wager she is thinking along the exact same lines.</p>
<p>That’s how I handled each new summer with each new child home. It worked for us madly well. Also I certainly couldn’t handle trying “not to say the wrong thing too often”; nobody’s that perfect!</p>
<p>Funny, we’ve never had problems with our kids coming home; just always feel their time with is all too brief. Having reasonable expectations about courtesy calls about when they will be home & whether joining us for dinner & not to make noise when we have to wake early in the morning (basic courtesy) is all we ask & have received w/o much hassle by anyone. Have not had many clashes with S or D and cherished our time.</p>
<p>I haven’t had problems with expectations about behavior. It’s just the emotional stuff. The first summer (last year) reawakened in my daughter her memories of a less than happy high school experience (socially). None of her college friends live around here; in fact, it’s possible she’s the only person from our state at her college.</p>
<p>S did not have a very happy HS experience either, but seemed to enjoy the “down time” hanging around the house & pursuing activities he enjoyed that he didn’t have time to when he was away at college. Perhaps you & D can figure out some of those things. Can she arrange to get together with some of her college friends during part of her summer as well? Maybe they’d like to visit her too? Visits are always a nice thing for the hostess and the visitor.</p>
<p>HImom, last summer my daughter actually did visit college friends, in your fair state of Hawaii! Unfortunately, it seems that our home in “flyover country” is not a prime destination for people from the coasts. But I’ll suggest visits anyway.</p>
<p>You might be surprised that her friends from HI might enjoy a chance to spend some time in a different part of the US. One of my friends in the 70s did a cross country baseball trip, where they attended baseball games & stayed with friends from college across the country. That was the summer they decided poverty was definitely over-rated. :)</p>
<p>There needs to be a little give-and-take on both sides. I need to back off on freaking out that my pristine dining room is now covered from floor to ceiling with dirty clothes, suitcases, photo supplies, etc etc etc. She needs to realize that it irritates me.</p>
<p>I need to back off on expecting to know exactly where she is at all times, she needs to back off from expecting to waltz in and out of the house without letting us know what the plan is.</p>
<p>So we establish expectations. Please write your work hours down on the board in the kitchen, so we know when you might need the car/a ride/be home for dinner. I post notes: please make sure the dining room is cleaned up before our guests arrive for Friday night dinner at 6:00. </p>
<p>Mostly, common courtesy works, although Dad is having a hard time realizing that his little girls need to be treated like the adults they now are. (It was easier with my son, who is older, and much, much taller.) It’s the little things, like offering the 21-year-old a glass of wine with dinner if we’re having one - but asking first if they’re planning to drive anywhere tonight - that seem to make up for the other little things, like demanding that they walk the dog when she’s whining to go out in the rain.</p>
<p>Hopefully, they’ll be this nice to us when we’re old and decrepit…er.</p>
<p>It can be difficult. There’s a tendency to revert to old high school habits (kid being too dependent; parent being too bossy).</p>
<p>During one break, after about two years of college, my daughter pointed out to me that we were reverting to old patterns and mentioned some problems it was causing. She was right. We worked on establishing new patterns, but I still forget sometimes and have to be reminded. And she reverts to old ways sometimes, too. But she’s not 17 anymore, and things work out better if we both remember that.</p>
<p>As for living together, it helps if they have a job or internship, preferably one with work hours similar to your own. Then everyone tends to sleep during the same part of the day, more or less.</p>