<p>I have a 20 year old Daughter who is home for the summer. She attends college in another town so we are happy to have her home.</p>
<p>Here is my ?....what do I do about rules, ie, keeping her room and bathroom clean, our roof, our rules...etc. She IS an adult, but she does not respect what we asked her to do. For another example, don't feed the dog table food, leave the thermostat where we have it set, etc.......She doesn't listen to anything we say.</p>
<p>The first summer our daughter returned home from school we were happy but very stressed. Seemed like the rules had changed. She had a hard time readjusting to living “under our roof” and we found it difficult with her expected freedom and independence. We found out its a process of growth. So to make things fair, we negotiated some things that we were able to live with. If she wanted us to respected her right as an individual and a young adult capable of making good decisions, then we had rights as well, such as cleaning up after herself, washing her dishes, doing her laundry. If she was going to be out late past a certain time, then she had to leave a text stating such. If she used the car she had to replace the gas.
She did have a hard time re entering life at home, because she had 10 months on her own, doing her own thing, navigating her own life. Its understandable. But if she expected us to to let her have her independence, then she had to agree to our expectations.</p>
<p>This is my D’s second summer home after college. Sadly for me, she is returning to school in a couple of week (6 hour drive away) because she loves her college town and secured a job with room and board up there.</p>
<p>Last summer started in a way similar to the OP’s. Basically, D didn’t think she had a curfew and acted that way. I finally said to her - you don’t have a curfew (she was 18) BUT you do owe us the courtesy of calling before our bedtime and telling us your plans. She was able to see the rationale in that and things got much better.</p>
<p>She is pretty neat (compared to her 4 brothers!) so that’s not been an issue. We did, however, realize how much easier mornings are with her gone - in HS, she would wake up late and then shriek at her bros as they tried to use the bathroom (we have only one) that she needed to get in there!</p>
<p>I suggest that you sit down with her and ask her how she would behave if she was visiting a friend’s home. Would she give THEIR dog table food if they asked her not to? Would she leave towels all around THEIR house? and the like. Her answer will probably be a shocked “What - I would NEVER do that!” Then tell her to treat you like a friend’s parent!</p>
<p>Great posts, milkandsugar and Joan52. One good aspect of the mutual discomfort parents and college kids feel when they’re under the same roof again is that it can be an incentive for the kid to realize how much he/she doesn’t want to live at home after graduation. ;)</p>
<p>This was hardest for us with our oldest d. What helped was for us to pick our battles (as in all things parenting) and let the less important stuff go. For us, it was most important to get a period of deep sleep between 2 and 6 AM - so our kids have to either let us know where they’re staying well before then, or be home and quiet at 2. (No making tacos at 3 AM, please.)</p>
<p>I would let her room and bathroom go, as long as no one else is using the bathroom; then make clear that she was expected to get it clean by the end of the summer. Yucky, yes, but if she’s the one using the bathroom, she’ll be the one who suffers with it. I’d consider the thermostat a minor point as well (ymmv), as long as it was understood that the people paying the utility bills get to set it where they like when they’re home. If she runs up a considerable expense in air conditioning, I’d tell her she has to chip in for the bill - or deduct it from whatever I was giving her for the next semester.</p>
<p>Can she be assigned some tasks you’d rather not do - mowing the lawn, grocery shopping? Our youngest d does all the grocery shopping and cooks two meals a week when she’s home, which makes it easier for me to put up with the small inevitable conflicts that arise. I hate grocery shopping.</p>
<p>Wow! I was just about to start the same thread but here it is! Thank you! My biggest beef is the late night thing. I just can’t sleep if they are not home. I don’t mind the weekend nights but the weeknights are killing me as I have to get up to go to work so that these kids can actually go to college!
Their argument is that I should just go to sleep. Also, that if they were at school, I wouldn’t know where they were or what time they come in. I get that, but I just can’t help it.</p>
<p>The mess in the house is getting a bit better and as far as their rooms go, well, i just close the door.</p>
<p>OP, your post made me cry. You really don’t know how lucky you are. Ever since DD went to college, the most she had been home was like 8 days in the summer. I would have loved to have her home for a summer. </p>
<p>Think about it this way, once they have their job, family, and children, how many days in a year do you expect to see them? </p>
<p>So, enjoy the time they are home. </p>
<p>PS, DS has found a job on campus too so he will be away for most of the summer too.</p>
<p>You need to reevaluate your rules. Have a discussion with her about rules. Some rules need to be maintained- such as not feeding the dog table scraps, that is non-negotiable. Other ules need more flexibility. Her bedroom and bathroom can be a mess as long as they are not shared (don’t clean them until fall). Curfews now fall into the courtesies of letting people know when you can expect her so you don’t worry and not disturbing others with her activities. Your house, your rules about guests and their sleeping arrangements. You should also expect her to take of her own laundry and any messes in the public areas- kitchen/family room… </p>
<p>I have mixed feelings about son’s visits home (yes, they became visits- his home became his campus). Treat her like an adult with expectations of adult behavior. Perhaps asking her if she would obey the same rules at another person’s house will help. Would she feed another person’s dog if asked not to? She should be allowed to maintain her personal space as she wishes- unless it is a fire hazard. </p>
<p>Son got in the habit of keeping his door closed and locked- we knocked. He is also terribly messy- closed doors are nice for ignoring that. He is responsible for his own laundry, but I do one load of all of the towels each week. His sheets- he can do them if he wants clean ones. Dirty dishes- he finally brings them down when asked- we used to request them when we were running the dishwasher. </p>
<p>Using the family car is a privelege. Letting you know if she will be home for supper is polite. Doing chores in return for meals and a room is reasonable. Don’t assume she’ll resume any she did in the past. Meals- she is used to different habits. Nothing wrong with her doing her own cooking as long as she cleans up her messes and it doesn’t interfere with your plans.</p>
<p>The transition years of college are hard as everyone adjusts to new roles. College students revert to childhood behaviors when at home, often losing all of that maturity you thought they gained. Your D doesn’t realize how her behavior impacts you- let her know. </p>
<p>Dad II- you wouldn’t consider yourself lucky to have your child home for 3 months if it meant a lot of extra work and no fun. The OP wants to enjoy the time her D is home but so far isn’t because of her D’s behavior. A week, or even two, is a visitor- vastly different from disrupting family lifestyles for a longer period. Even if she works a mother typically has to do more to take care of the household and is impacted more than a father who merely gets the pleasure of a visiting child evenings and weekends.</p>
<p>The late nights. Let your child know that you and your spouse let each other know where they go and when they expect to return as a courtesy to someone who cares. If it is still a rule for Mom/Dad it must be good for a new adult.</p>