<p>They left children and now suddenly return adults. How do we as parents make a healthy transition into being the parent of a young adult?</p>
<p>Figure out what minimum expectations you have of them (time when they have to be back home, times you need them to watch a younger sibling, times when dinner will be served) and discuss it from there. We had to realize our DD1’s sleep schedule was no longer like ours (IMing from 1-3AM) but that wasn’t really important. She was home and awake when we needed her to be.</p>
<p>I’ve found that you really have to verbalize your expectations, much like Erin’s Dad has said. But typically when we say, family dinner, outing, etc, it goes much better. We let him sleep more than we used to but in reading posts from so many other parents, there is something rehabilitative about being in their own bed, especially those first few nights (although admittedly, we’re closing in on a week). Also… spending time with their friends will be right up there with before they left for college (then it was the “last” time and now this is the “first break”)</p>
<p>S2 is the one who seems to have the biggest adjustment to being “shoved” back down the birth order when older brother comes home from school. S1 also feels a need to assert his alpha status (at least he’s not lifting his leg on the furniture!)</p>
<p>^^^</p>
<p>I would tell S1 to knock it off.</p>
<p>I treat S like an adult, and just expect the normal courtesies from him that I’d expect from an adult guest: For instance, I expect him to let me know when he’s going out, and about when he’ll be back, and to give me a call if he’ll be coming home later than expected.</p>
<p>I don’t expect that he’ll spend all of his time with me. I also don’t wake him up if he decides to sleep until 1 p.m. or later!</p>
<p>I ask him in advance to reserve some time for me, and we mutually agree on some activities to do together.</p>
<p>I don’t guilt trip him into spending more time with me and H than he wants to. I want his time with us to be fun, not feel like a grim duty.</p>
<p>And I host an open house party for all of our friends, including S’s friends. From babies to seniors, we play games, talk, watch ball games, and have a ball!</p>
<p>They just come in & out now like we’re running a youth hostel. Do us a favor, occasionally, to eat with us, or be present if we have family over. But only if they have no other plans. They are out of here now, mentally. We could try to set up all these rules and whatever, but to what end. Though occasionally physically present,at least to the extent that they are upstairs sleeping in their bedroom, mentally they have flown the roost.</p>
<p>I was exactly the same way. Except I barely ever came home at all.</p>
<p>One thing my kids never miss is dinner!!! They developed a deep appreciation for free food while living on their own at school. So, we have dinner most nights but the transition as children become adults requires open communication, a willingness for kids to give more to their relationship with their parents, and a willingness from parents to ask less of the kids. I find the hardest thing to do is to limit my “Be careful” types of comments which one son asked me to stop repeating as it made him feel like I think he is stupid. Yeah, that hurt a bit but I see his point and he was very cordial and loving as he asked me to knock it off. So, I am trying to let them be adults and they are trying to see us through new eyes as well.</p>
<p>It’s hard because they’ve been living on their own with little to no accountability, so when they come home and some parents try to impose strict rules or curfews, it can become very tense.</p>
<p>We try to be rather flexible when our kids come home. We try to treat them as if they were relatives visiting our home. We wouldn’t impose curfews on guests, but we wouldn’t allow certain behaviors in our home. We expect the same courtesies that guests would give - such as telling us if they won’t be home for dinner, etc.</p>
<p>I find it very strange when the kids come home. The house seems too small for six adults and it is hard to keep up with all of the cooking and cleaning that we do not normally need to do now that they are gone. I think we really enjoy our time, to be able to do what we want without worrying about all the things that come with having them back in the nest. My husband does all their laundry when they are home and he irons their shirts. The kitchen is always full of dishes and the stove seems like it is always on.It is not the restful enjoyable time that I envisioned having the kids home would be. I guess we really are ready for the empty nest…we are pooped.</p>
<p>The biggest difference I notice is the cooking that tends to happen around one or two in the morning. The first time my oldest came home from college, I’d come downstairs in the morning and find a huge mess: dishes all over, skillets so gross and crusted, food left out…My H and I had a serious discussion about this problem. </p>
<p>Now: the cooking continues, but the kids are much better about cleaning up. At least I don’t worry that they won’t know how to cook for themselves!</p>
<p>My two are in and out but mostly out when at home for holidays. They are very rarely both here at the same time during any given part of the day/night.</p>
<p>They are pleasant around the house and will be here if we specifically request it but it is their vacation too so I don’t expect them to sit around and watch tv with us old people.</p>
<p>Whenever I feel whiney about them not being around much, I remind myself of how I felt at their age and keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>The 3 kids are home. I love them dearly…</p>
<p>The house is messier (there is a box of tampax in the family room hahaha-- not sure why it’s there), there’s more garbage (literally) and the dishwasher needs to be run much more often.</p>
<p>Tonight is the first time all are home in 4 months. The tree is in the house w/ lights on it, but not yet decorated. We were suppose to decorate tonight, but D1 is still working on a paper for an independent study that needs to be submitted by tomorrow, latest. (She does not usually procrastinate like this, but she is a senior w/ a job offer in hand .)</p>
<p>So, pretty much, life centers around them–the kids. But these times when we are all together will get fewer. This is probably the last time we will decorate the tree together as a nuclear family. </p>
<p>It is hard to adapt to our children becoming adults. But I cherish these moments when there is still a semblance of them being what they are quickly not being.</p>
<p>I’ve learned to relax alittle bit the last couple years. I have learned that they will be home for dinner always. My college junior mentioned the first night how much he was looking forward to “real” food. Since he lives in an apartment and is very good in the kitchen after many years in restaurants I questioned what he meant. He said, “you know food someone else makes.” The house is a mess and the doors are slamming and banging, fights about who gets to take the extra car, friends of the kids I haven’t seen. Lots of good natured picking - the oldest is the shortest, the youngest is the tallest. I just try to enjoy it because in a couple weeks…whoosh…gone.</p>
<p>Thanks to all for the reminders to relax a little more about the mess, cook them the food they love, and enjoy them while they are here. Great advice!</p>
<p>All this talk of them being adults…as an adult I take care of my aging parents. I guess husband and I are not aging because the dishwasher has still not been loaded, their laundry is piled and the dishes from a late night snack are still sitting on the table. I work from my home office and I am sure they will wake up as soon as my day begins. I love them so much but they are not the considerate young men that they once were. Tonight they are having 8 to 10 of their friends over and I still have so much to do to prepare for Christmas with 25 people coming for dinner. </p>
<p>They told us yesterday that since none of them will be home this summer that they want a family vacation this summer. They all got together and scheduled a week when they could all get away…they said it will probably be the last summer vacation we take as a complete family. I cried when they were’nt around. They are pain in the ----- but I know the time is short and it is changing so quickly. My oldest son will probably spend Christmas on the other side of the world next year…that is a hard swallow. The second and third will graduate a year after son one and who knows where they will end up. I guess the dishes, laundry and mess really don’t matter in the scheme of life. They are home, happy, healthy (that is a biggy) and full of energy.</p>
<p>I try to make kind of a joke out of it, and remind S that now that he is home is he is back on “Real World Time,” as opposed to being on “College Time.” College Time is a time-zone kind of like west-coast-time, where they go to bed and wake up 3 hours later than the rest of the world. We treat it like he’s jet-lagged, some sympathy but an adjustment he’s eventually expected to make.</p>
<p>Luckily, S wasn’t terribly social in hs, so he only has a few friends he tries to see when he’s home. Sometimes I actually have to remind him to call them! But next year when D leaves - she’s already warned me she won’t be “home” when she’s “home.” I’ve already told her she WILL be home at least some time - not every minute, but I do expect a little time with her, since she’ll be 700 miles away when she’s at school. I predict more conflicts with her than I had with S.</p>
<p>Senior college only child-son home in a few days. Previous visits have meant thinking there’s enough milk for breakfast at midnight but it’s gone by daylight, his dirty laundry sitting for a long time taking up space in the laundry room (clothes magically get clean when they sit awhile per H and S- afternoon underwear et al visits to it wrapped in a towel), making rounds upstairs to collect dirty dishes when we want to run a full load in the dishwasher, increased water and electric bills, many extra towels to wash (keeps taking another one when he leaves them in a heap on his bedroom floor), 5 minute snatches of quality conversation at odd moments (such as when S is preparing a midnight or later meal while I, also a night owl, am reading in the family room), disappearing food (but usually not leftovers). </p>
<p>The urge to visit friends gets less as the years go by, as does any interest in the home town and house. We learned to live without him and so do not have him included in our household chores. We also have evolved empty nester habits and don’t always do a family dinner. You can’t roll the clock back and we found there is nothing sacred about precollege routines that need to be reinstituted for a temporary return. Battles lost in HS won’t be won now- why refight them (our worst was the running times and weather). There will be more grocery shopping, which I enjoy, as well as the stocking up of items for him to take back.</p>
<p>These are transition years. Independence/financial dependence. Separation but still needing emotional support. As much as we want to see them we will be glad to see them go back and to settle into our routines. Remember that this is a much needed vacation after final exams and a busy semester- let them relax. Too little time to truly reintegrate them into the household even though they lose guest status after the first week. Sometimes parallel lives in the same house seems to be the easiest conflict free way to coexist. Notice my mellowed expectations based on 3 past winter breaks and various others.</p>
<p>Addenda- my son is absent minded so some of his lack of helping is not due to bad intentions, but forgetting the practical aspects of life and getting things done per our timeframe. Living by himself this year instead of with equally sloppy apt mates has improved his kitchen clean up habits.</p>
<p>Whenever I feel whiney about them not being around much, I remind myself of how I felt at their age and keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>Exactly. I was very social when in college, so I know that I didn’t hangout much with my parents while on breaks; I was often with friends or my boyfriend. My H was rather shy as an undergrad, so he doesn’t quite understand all this going out all the time when the kids are home.</p>
<p>*But next year when D leaves - she’s already warned me she won’t be “home” when she’s “home.” I’ve already told her she WILL be home at least some time - not every minute, but I do expect a little time with her, since she’ll be 700 miles away when she’s at school. I predict more conflicts with her than I had with S. *</p>
<p>With a child like this, I’ve found that everyone is happier if some specific times are given (with plenty of notice!!!) when you’ll want the child around - say - Sunday mornings and afternoons, Tuesday evenings, etc. There will be conflicts if you don’t come to an agreement **ahead of time ** about which days or nights you’ll expect to do things with her. However, also be flexible enough to understand that she will get some last minute invites to some events that might conflict with a day or two that you want her home.</p>
<p>D is in her second year past college graduation and the one thing that remains constant is that my diet goes to bloody hell when she’s home and I’m not going to complain a bit.</p>
<p>She’s quite a bit less “prickly” now than, say, when she was a sophomore in college and “boundary issues” were still being worked out. </p>
<p>Family traditions are still maintained, e.g., today we went tout ensemble to buy our Christmas tree and D takes the lead in tree selection. Have had to find a new lot since United Melon company stopped selling trees fresh off the train at the rail yards last year but we managed. D is happy to go to church with us and we make a point of having tickets to a Nutcracker.</p>
<p>Otoh, we’ve gracefully adapted to the fact that D will sleep in late, will spend a lot of time with her laptop either on Facebook or playing Sims, etc. The sleep in is the corollary of staying up late, which bugs TheMom, who accuses D and I of being owls, though I now go to bed before D does.</p>