<p>Rationale: This question seeks to give students the opportunity to share important aspects of their schooling or their lives - such as their personal circumstances, family experiences and opportunities that were or were not available at their school or college - that may not have been sufficiently addressed elsewhere in the application.</p>
<p>Question: Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?</p>
<pre><code>One thing that the academic record cannot talk about is the type of person. In 1988, my parents decided to move to America with the hope shared by many immigrants of a better life. My parents worked in pizza shops, couriers, bank tellers, ice cream clerks, and several other jobs to get us by. While my parents were working my two older brothers raised me teaching me how to walk, talk, and live.
My parents have taught me to take nothing for granted and that hard work is the only way to become a success. Progressing from the days of being new immigrants to living the American Dream has showed me the potential that I have. Today my mother is a published writer of poetry and my father owns a loan business. Both are noble role models who gave America everything they have.
I have immense respect for my brothers one who has a powerful personality and the other who is very caring and sensitive. My oldest brother is a very powerful personality who went off to college and lived alone. He payed for his education by going to the Marines and working long hours to make ends meet. My other brother went a different road and lived at home. He is very caring and senistive. He spent his whole college career studying and is a brilliant student.
Combine all of this and you get me a humble, powerful, yet caring person who will give the University of California community everything he has.
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<p>Anyways, it sounds like the typical immigrant essay, which can work, but yours is so overly predictable, it's hard to keep on reading it, knowing the ending.</p>
<p>You should talk about you, and not your family. From this essay, one may be inclined to admit your parents or your brother, but we really don't learn much about you. Suggest you add something specific that illustrates your thesis - eg, my brothers used me as a basketball when my parents weren't around, so I had to learn to be tough.....OR.....my brothers and I had to make dinner every night, so I learned to focus and be organized to get my schoolwork completed.</p>
<p>Is there anything you would like us to know about you or your academic record that you have not had the opportunity to describe elsewhere in this application?</p>
<p>It's asking about you, not your parents who decided to move to America with hope or your brilliant brother who is very caring and sensitive and studied during his whole college career.</p>
<p>Saying that you are "humble" and "powerful" tells nothing about you.</p>
<p>I'll just say that the ending is maybe the most important part of the essay. It's sort of a fade-out that should leave the reader feeling like he read something complete with a fitting conclusion. You never want to directly address the reader and summarize the whole thing. Don't say you are humble and caring, try communicating those traits indirectly.</p>
<p>I would have to disagree with you aim78. I believe the beginning is the most important part of the personal statement. Remember that the admission committees that are reviewing the oh-so-many-outstanding applications have been in doing this for well over 20 years or so. Separate yourself from the other applicants. The saying goes for the UC open-ended personal statement goes something like this: </p>
<p>Your in the halls of the UC of your dreams...it's completely dark. You see a small dim light slipping out from a window on a door. You approach the door quietly. You take a look and see that an old old lady is reading your very application and is about to make a decision. As her quivering hand with her fountain pen is about to make a final decision YES or NO...you come in and say "Wait!...before you make your decision, I have one more thing to say about myself for my application." </p>
<p>Well yeah...that's how the story goes. Leave your mark and have them know it. The hook should be your most powerful artillery you got. Hook the reader and your set.</p>
<p>Interesting. A man who makes decisions on who gets admitted and who doesn't visited my high school last year and he says to be direct. So I will totally disagree with aim78.</p>
<p>I didn't say don't be direct, I said don't directly address the reader at the end and say something like, "In summary, all these attributes of mine combine to make me the ideal student for your school."</p>