Can someone one grade my personal statement for UC schools

<p>Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>Essay:
Throughout my life my parents were always telling me the value that family has on your life and how you should never burn bridges with anyone. Every time I get this lecture the next part is always the same, India. Up until my sophomore year I had never met my family in India, I never visited, they called a few times but I didn’t understand the language so it was a bunch of gibberish to me. This all changed during the summer prior to my junior year when my parents forced me to go on their annual trip to India with them so I could meet the family and work with my grandfather, who was the mayor of Calcutta, the place we were visiting. On the job I worked as a sales boy making some extra cash for my grandfather so he could do his side project of sending the less fortunate to Hajj, a pilgrimage to the city of Makkah required by all Muslims if they have the right circumstances. I agreed to help out but mostly because I was stuck with my grandfather and it was just a job to me. However during my trips to the store were I was stationed at that week I noticed all the poverty around me, there were more beggars than buildings, the people were in terrible condition with hardly any clothing and little or no food, but the one thing I noticed was that they all were extremely religious even with there terrible circumstances. That sight was the greatest motivating factor I could have asked for, these people will never experience Hajj, one of the best parts of being Muslim just because they don’t have the money and there are much less deserving people who go just to show the rest of the world that they are religious family. I started working extra hours at the store, I even got another job at my uncle’s motorcycle shop. My job was just to help out with American tourist because I knew English a lot better than most of the other workers. Naturally I am a very lazy person but I had never worked so hard in my life, I thought I worked so hard that I had enough money to send the entire country of India to Hajj, my money added up to around 30,000 rupees which turns into roughly 700 U.S. dollars, I was pretty disappointed in myself because in 3 months I made enough to help one person. My Grandfather said he was proud of me and I knew he meant it but my total was pretty pathetic, he could send 10 people to Hajj with a snap of his finger and I did one in 3 months. However overall I’m proud of what I did even though it was not much. I learned a lot over my three months but the main virtue I grasped was that feeling sorry for someone in an unfortunate circumstance does not do anything, you have to actually spend time and energy to make a difference and that’s why I plan on going back during the summer after I graduate and hopefully make a bigger impact.</p>