Yes, she is extremely creative and extremely intelligent in a very “intellectual” and creative way. She’s an amazing young woman.
She may be amazing, but right now it sounds like she is spiraling downward. I would come up with an action plan quickly. She doesn’t have perspective on the situation, and you don’t know what she might do. That “dance story” is alarming. It doesn’t sound like she can handle the college environment at this point.
I was suggesting that you yourself meet with a therapist or other provider who is expert on eating disorders. (In any case, I have one kid with medical issues and one with psych. issues and meeting with a counselor for myself really helped me cope in the best possible way that benefited my kids.)
Many people have compared your situation to a parent of a student with serious health problems. As the parent of a student with serious health problems, that might scare many but that aren’t going away, I tended to support her persistent desire to reach for normal goals, which meant staying in school with certain accommodations when needed. That said, there were two years when she took medical leaves for a semester. It really is a matter of judgment when the student with an eating disorder should stay, and when she should leave. It’s a tough call and you need expert advice, yourself, even if your daughter is not communicating about the problem to you.
I can assure you that the interruptions to college do not have to be the disasters they appear at the time. Or, to put it another way, every disaster is an opportunity. If your daughter took a leave and got better, she would be in a position to rethink her triggers and set up her life in a way that helps recovery rather than harms.
I want to clarify, and repeat, that you have the legal right to tell anyone at the college, or any counselor or MD, anything you want to, but they won’t be able to answer you. Often, writing a letter is a good way to go. There may be consequences to the school knowing about your daughter’s ED, if they don’t know already, so be prepared. Yes, weigh-ins are sometimes required, but they do not address bulimia. If other students are at all upset by your daughter’s behaviors, that can be reason to be asked to leave. Most of the kids we know with ED’s these days do end up being asked to leave and can only return with adequate proof of health.
Since you can do that communication though, I think the decision about whether to sign a release for you should be up to your daughter. I know I differ from others on this. I honored my daughters’ autonomy in this way and at certain junctures they did allow my involvement, because our relationships were good.
So- now to the new information in your last post. Is your daughter by any chance a dancer?! Any possible innocent explanation? Any exchange like this for drugs borders on the area of, well, prostituting oneself (in the broadest sense of the word) and is obviously troubling. It also speaks to the intensity of the need. What kind of blog was this on? Did peers appear to accept this behavior? Did she actually tell you she obtained $200 worth of drugs, and were they to sell?
The image I had at first was of a relatively motivated student who had achieved a temporary remission through awareness and insight, and was struggling with bulimia as a by-product of stress, smoking marijuana as a by-product of stress, but overall using her maladaptive behaviors in some ways for positive goals.
There seems to be a lot more going on. It is tough too to have to snoop on a personal blog to find these things out, and then have to interrogate her. If the stress of college life is triggering all these behaviors, the ED, the drugs, other forms of desperation, then by all means she should leave. She could get a medical withdrawal and the academic record for the semester can be wiped clean.
The question is how to get her out if she herself lacks “insight” and wants to stay. Perhaps you can request a family meeting. It would be so much better if she was on board, or even better, if she asked to leave. Perhaps she is truly desperate underneath and raising the issue will bring relief and confession of unhappiness, but she sounds like for now denial is pretty strong. It may be that the college will have to force her to leave.
You are in a very tough spot. I really think you will be relieved to have someone you can talk to, for yourself, and who can also advise you on how to proceed. It will probably be a long bumpy road for your daughter and that means for you too. The best way to help her may be to talk to someone yourself who can guide your reactions in order to keep her safe, and at the same time preserve whatever normalcy is possible (if any is possible). Good luck!
Intelligence has been linked to an increase in mental illnesses in many studies and that is fairly common knowledge, as difficult as it always is, the family needs to focus on the illness. Sometimes counseling for the parents can be helpful to help understand not only why this sometimes happens but how to cope with the process.
To sum up, just as another parent, and not as a health expert, you basically know or strongly suspect based on past behavior and current circumstancial evidence, that she is purging and taking drugs. She is possibly in contact with drug dealers. She has in the past, traded or considered trading sexual favors for drugs.
I think in your place, I would take some sort of interventional action. I do not see her being able to work herself out of this on her own. Of course I don’t have the whole picture but in your shoes I would lean towatds having her live at home or in a medically supervised residential program. I would worry that she’s in deep waters and may be starting to drown.
Lots of good advice on this thread on how to intervene.
Prayers & healing thoughts being sent to you & her.
For what it’s worth she is talking to us. When we called to tell her knew about all of this stuff, she said, “well I’m glad in a way…” or something like that. She knows she needs help and is being very cooperative about it.
Momof3 Be careful what you report as fact. There was one study that links mental illness with certain types of intelligence, but others that dispute that link (a quick google serarch showed this). Research is ongoing to answer this question. Not sure high IQ and mental illness are clearly linked.
OP: So sorry for you and your daughter. The dating a “drug dealer” is concerning as to her state of mind and decision making. I don’t think there is an easy answer and you have gotten some great advice.
Sending healing thoughts to you and to her.
True, research is on-going and has been for about a decade to try and determine why and how they are linked, I don’t think the “if” is disputed but whether it is significant in comparison to total population I do not know.
I think the main issue that the original poster has to resolve for herself is around trust and control . She wants to trust her daughter and not wrest control from her. The problem is , in my opinion, that the eating disorder and addiction are actually in control , so to speak , and so ultimately the parents will have to exert control to help free their daughter.
The fact that your relationship is so good and she is talking with you, and even was relieved that you read her blog, is a big big plus.
I don’t think anyone on this forum can give good advice, frankly. You know your daughter. I think, as I said before, you could benefit from meeting with someone who can advise you, within the limits of privacy laws that protect your daughter.
Your daughter does sound “amazing” and some of the apparently troubling things in your posts may not be as troubling in reality: it is hard to tell.
Eating disorders can last a long time. She is trying to cope under the surface so she can achieve her goals above the surface, so to speak. She may graduate with a fully entrenched bulimia. Or she may leave school to deal with it and then not graduate because fully facing things might detour her for a bit. It is just hard to say.
Many of us have kids who have taken leaves and dealt with things and returned and done well. Again, it is a big plus that your relationship with her is a good one. Chances are conversations with her and with a counselor of your own will clarify the path ahead. Hopefully those can be augmented by a counselor chosen by your daughter for herself as well.
Safety is a priority, after that there are many ways to go. Online, in a situation that is serious but hard to read, I don’t think you will get answers. Seek it from someone who can help you sort it out. Good luck!
Do you live in a state where marajuana is legal? If not, you have that issue to deal with as well.
You say she is smart, creative, etc.
She also has some serious things going on. If this story is true, you know what you need to do, but just don’t want to do it.
Think first about the health and safety of your daughter. That is the signal. The rest of this is just noise. If her health and safety is in jeopardy, and it sounds like it is, it is a matter of time until the house of cards comes tumbling down around her. Do you want to wait until a crisis happens, or intervene now to prevent one?
“It is not a battle worth fighting: getting past the student’s expressed desire for privacy and independence would mean going to court for guardianship”
Why would they need to go to court? All they need to do to get past that “expressed desire” is stop paying for college. Right now, they’re enabling self-destructive behavior and deception. If she won’t sign HIPAA/FERPA waivers, and they turn off the money tap, chances are excellent that she’ll come home. I suppose she might move in with the drug dealer instead, but if she’s that far gone, college isn’t going to save her.
If she wants to insist that she’s a private, independent adult and can deal with a life-threatening illness on her own, fine, but other adults shouldn’t pay for that insanity.
Publicly announcing one’s (at least federally) illegal drug use on the internet and the intention to trade “dancing” for drugs is begging to get kicked out of the dorm anyway, IMHO.
OP how are her grades holding up this semester? I think the degree of urgency in bringing her home depends on your determination of whether the assistance you can get her on or around campus will be enough to get her through this semester. She does need to sign the necessary consents so you can speak to counselors and other individuals who can assist you in making that determination. If its possible to get her through then you will have the whole summer to figure out whether she is healthy enough to return.
I get your thought process about trying to keep her happy by letting her stay where she wants to be. I agree that forcefully bringing her home will be very challenging for you and her - it could send her into a nosedive. But if that nosedive is already happening and she does not have support in place on campus, that is going to be your worst possible scenario.
Have you broached the subject of her coming home and if so what was her response?
Well put Harvest Moon.
The reason I said it is not worth fighting for the releases is that the relationship between parent and child is good and pushing for the releases might (or might not) jeopardize the relationship, and it is the relationship that can provide the best communication between parent and child, and best initiate treatment.
Some people go for years functioning well with an eating disorder (or alcoholism, or a drug problem), whether in school or work. Recovery from an ED can take many years: life cannot just stop.
I don’t think we have enough information to so strongly urge pulling the daughter out. It may be that it is time to do so, or the college may force the issue, but it may also be premature. Noone on this forum can say for sure.
This mom does not seem to be in denial. After all, she posted on here. But the picture conveyed is unclear and even contradictory so I think it is impossible to provide advice with any certainty of being helpful.
“I don’t think we have enough information to so strongly urge pulling the daughter out.”
That’s not my read of what many people have been saying. We strongly urge action to change the status quo, which is the failure to seek treatment for this relapse. That needs to change, and the parents need certainty that it has changed. Pulling the daughter out of school is one of many ways to get that certainty if other efforts do not succeed.
@HarvestMoon1 The semester is too new to have much in the way of grades. I know she is going to class and doing her assignments. She made 3.75 last semester, and by her own admission this has all been going on since October. So, she is managing academically. AND she’s quite engaged by her classes, which cannot be said for her relationship to high school when things went so badly a couple of years ago. She loves learning.
I spoke with her today and let her know that we would not be disappointed or upset in any way if she chose to take a medical leave of absence. She said, no no no that isn’t what she wants.
As I mentioned earlier, she is fully agreeable to signing the consent forms and to getting treatment. I believe she realizes that she might lose everything she has worked so hard for if she does not get herself better. I also believe that she needs to know how to do this for other relapses later on in her life. If we pulled her out of school against her will how would she ever learn that? If she can get good, complete treatment with only SOME parental involvement, won’t that serve her better in the long run? Of course, we will be keeping our eyes very wide open and be ready to intervene more drastically if we need to.
Also: I am going to speak to her local psychiatrist. if that person -who knows her- feels that the situation is more drastic than we believe it to be right now, we’ll of course listen to them. But right now it does not seem to be a situation calling for inpatient treatment, so I just don’t see what bringing her home would accomplish.
“As I mentioned earlier, she is fully agreeable to signing the consent forms and to getting treatment.”
Wonderful! We are all pulling for her and for you.
This is not a first time occurrence for this student. The OP says the student has a history of these things.
To the OP…I think your plan to talk to her local doctor is a good one.
The key here…what can be done to keep this student from spiraling downward…both in her behaviors, and in her classes.
Glad she is signing the consents. But be aware…this doesn’t mean you will be informed every step of the way regarding what is happening at her school and any help she receives there.
Your last post does have it sound a little more encouraging. Is there any reason that she could not have telephone appointments or skype appointments with her caregivers from home?
As a treatment provider , I personally would be loathe to assume the risk of treating someone long distance who has a condition with such serious potential medical consequences . I am assuming that she needs local treatment with a doctor , a nutritionist , a psychiatrist , and a therapist , or an even higher level of care . Someone needs to check her labs and her weight regularly.