If Momofsamiam response was as a result of my post, I want to clarify that I wasn’t suggesting that this young woman not receive professional care and observation locally where she is attending school. That should most definitely be taking place.
Continuing to work with people who know you and where trust and rapport have been established can be extremely important and helpful. That is all I was suggesting.
OP- I hope you are not using your real name as your username on this website. There is a great deal of personal information in your posts.
Thanks, I am not using my real name 
The picture explains the name
I am astonished if you think that a young woman trading a dance (the minuet? I sort of doubt it) for drugs, from someone she admits is dealing, has the judgement and maturity RIGHT NOW to be living away from home and getting herself treatment for the ED.
I am not disputing how amazing your D is. But there are plenty of talented and amazing young people who spiral out of control, with loving and concerned parents looking on… being loving and concerned.
Do you think this is the only shady friend your D has made? I doubt it. Do you think this is the only questionable post on social media she has ever made? I doubt it. Do you think this is the first time she’s needed money for drugs and did the first impulsive thing she thought of to get some? I sure hope so.
I don’t know why you feel that exerting parental oversight here is somehow impinging on her freedom. Did you really work so hard on her recovery in high school so she could date a drug dealer, dance for money, and relapse into her ED?
Not an expert - I used to work residential life at a college and ran a few buildings myself, and thus ran into several students with mental health issues and eating disorders.
In my (limited, of course) experience, the student almost always insisted that they were fine and that going home would be Bad, possibly the Worst Thing to Happen to Them, regardless of how severe their actual condition was and whether or not their psychological and medical team agreed with them. Much of the time they were enjoying themselves in college - they had friends, they were doing decent to well in classes - but most of all, they had freedom. Autonomy. Personally I suspected that was the biggest part. They were all < 22 and so they were thinking about the immediate (college is fun, being at home is not, being at home vs. being in college with all of my friends will just depress me and make it worse!) instead of their long-term recovery needs.
I also had lots of students who went home for medical leave and many students who came back from a semester after a medical leave. It is certainly not the end of the world, and a lot of time they really do need to be home with family support and familiar providers.
I’m not saying that that’s the case here - but I am suggesting that college students, particularly freshman, are not usually the best judges of whether a semester off is in their best interests. Almost invariably they want to stay on campus with their friends.
Just another little caution from me - regarding the very intelligent and creative young person. (I won’t suggest you are doing this, because I don’t know, but it’s just a possibility.) It is very easy to accept their words, because they are so articulate, and to not look much farther beyond what they are saying. They can say a lot, seeming so self-aware, sincere, honest. I feel that it is easy to go into a level of denial and to miss some important part of the problem. We trust what they are saying, because we want to, and because they generally are very honest…it’s just that with these kinds of problems, they may be very motivated to keep something crucial away from us.
Sounds like you got this, you’ve been in the therapy world with your daughter and are aware of what to look for, and you have strong intuition - so this is just a little bird on the shoulder to be aware that you may be trusting her words more than is justified due to her general intelligence, articulation, and honesty.
I wish her a sure and steady complete recovery.
It can be argued that recovery from an eating disorder is a lengthy process and that normal life cannot just stop until recovery happens, and, in fact, that some level of normalcy and caring about people and activities besides food, is helpful to the healing process. The disorder can cross a line, of course, where safety is paramount. And eating disorders bring in their wake other problems, including drinking or drugs, that can also cross a line.
Just as a kid with a chronic medical problem might benefit from remaining in school, with good care and accommodations, because the problem is not going away anytime soon and sitting at home waiting to be better is not an option, so a student with an eating disorder or other psych. problem might better remain at school, with proper treatment and accommodations as well.
And just as the kid with a chronic medical problem might have a semester or two when remaining in school is NOT a option, not only for safety but due to impact on functioning, so a kid with an eating disorder might benefit as well from a medical leave when things get too tough.
Medical leaves can be extremely productive and if recovery or improvement happens early in the semester, can even be turned into a coop semester of sorts, with volunteering or interning and a chance to explore interests. But leaving friends is hard and sometimes going home feels like a defeat.
This young woman has had intensive treatment and understands the concepts. The parent seems both savvy and caring. When you love your kid, you always want it to go well, of course, so there is motivation to think things will be okay. But this family has already intervened and clearly knows enough about the disorder to intervene again if needed. I would say, to the original poster, follow your gut, but also challenge your and your daughter’s perceptions. Consider all options seriously and keep them on the table.
But this is a chronic issue that can end at some point, and beyond the immediate it is good to pursue whatever brings the most long lasting benefits, whether that means staying alive, at the most basic level, or continuing interests and relationships that may counteract the grip of the disorder on the daughter’s psych. There will be ups and downs to recovery and responses need to fit the situation in the present as well as the long term prognosis- a tough job.
Good luck to the parents in this tough situation. The relationship and communication are good and you will probably know when to act. We cannot tell, on this forum- we don’t know your daughter and don’t have enough information.
The only other thing to mention is whether other students are being affected by your daughter’s ED. Colleges will act on that but usually students are reluctant to go to anyone. Still, it is something to consider.
A few thoughts from another mom and the wife of a child psychiatrist for what they’re worth.
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Is she on medication for the anorexia or any related mental illnesses (depression, OCD, etc.)? Either way, she should be regularly seeing a psychiatrist in her area if she does not return home.
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I would not take the drug use likely. There is so much comorbidity with mental illnesses that what may be typical of other college students (although I don’t think daily pot use - particularly at such cost that it necessitates trading some sort of sexual favor - and LSD qualifies as typical) may very well not be healthy for her and can lead to more dangerous drugs and addiction.
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If she has agreed to sign the waivers, then get them signed ASAP.
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I would strongly consider telling her she needs to stop the use of illegal substances. That for you to remain comfortable with her staying on campus (if you think she is healthy enough to stay) and for you to continue paying for that education, she must submit to drug testing. I would be very worried about letting her slide into a situation where she adds drug addition to her already existing problem of the ED.
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On the one hand, it seems very hopeful that she has moved from denying that she is having a renewal of problems to now affirming that she does and will seek treatment. However, I think that may also be a sign that even though she is verbally saying (and undoubtedly at some level feeling) that she wants to stay at school, that she is sending out a cry for more significant help and intervention than just seeing a college counselor. Others with more experience may have more valuable input here. Similarly, the blog postings about drug use might be another subconscious call for intervention.
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A very bright (or even not so bright) child understands that blogs are not private and can be read by your school, your friends, and your future employers. The fact that she is posting about illegal drug use and making veiled references to exchanging a “private dance” for drugs is extremely concerning. Both because of the underlying behavior itself and the fact that either her judgment is so impaired that she doesn’t see the risk she is taking by writing about this or that again some part of her is hoping that a friend or family member will find this so shocking as to intervene.
I am SO SORRY that you are living this as a parent. Eating disorders are such dangerous, frustrating, and irrational diseases. My son suffers from mental illness and we have endured some really challenging times with him so I feel your pain. That may be why I’m so concerned about the drug use because although as a HSer he hasn’t even experimented with drugs, I worry that he might end up on a different path in college and I feel that he is more prone to addictive behavior.
I don’t want to seem critical of your choices because we are all writing based on such limited information and perspectives, but I know that while moms fear the worst (and often know, as you wrote, instinctively when our children are in danger), we sometimes so want to see and hear the best, that we may postpone taking actions even when they are truly necessary.
Good luck.
Does anyone here have the link to the thread by the mom whose DD is actually likely to withdraw from school as her ED did finally get the best of her. The mom didn’t think this was a serious issue a year ago when it came up. This other young woman sounds similar in that she is bright, and articulate…And talked the talk. But she did not walk the walk. I wish I could fid that thread to link here.
Many of us know people IRL who are in the same boat. It is easy to look at/listen to a high functioning kid with an ED and assume “she’s not skeletal, she sounds like her old self, glad this is behind us”. One of the reasons why some experts advise residential treatment programs- not that the parents can’t handle the therapy and appointments on their own, but so that the people interacting with the D on a daily basis are professionals who know the drill (denial, potential co-morbidity and self-medicating), etc.
I had a suicidal roommate freshman year of college- her parents just assumed I’d “know what to do”. So even if the OP here thinks the daughter can handle the drugs and the ED and the sketchy bf and the social media postings… what about the poor roommate? Who has likely figured out that something serious is going on but who is reasonably trying to get a college education and NOT play parent to someone else’s child?
This parent is entirely different from the parent in the other thread that Thumper references This family has already been through a full treatment program and the daughter and parents are educated on ED’s. Education does not, of course, cure ED’s but it helps along the way.
In my view, ED’s are hard to cure, bulimia can go off and on for years, while the sufferer lives life as much as possible. (Sally Field and Jane Fonda are famous examples) Many young women on campus have bulimia. Many young people smoke marijuana. It is hard to tell how serious this situation is comparatively, from the information given (though the “dance” is certainly concerning).
If a roommate is having trouble, they can generally go to an RA or dean and then the college does intervene. In fact, once a college is informed, they are pretty strict about monitoring the situation. Weigh-ins are silly for bulimia and some ED programs forbid using scales. But a school, like parents, can require therapy/treatment. There are some meds that can help, and a psychiatrist might be of use.
An argument can be made - to state it again- that long term healing may be supported more by maintaining activities and connections. But if the original poster, who seems to know what she is doing, determines that the situation is dangerous, then the parents can convince her to withdraw and reenter inpatient or go home and do outpatient.
There are many outpatient programs for ED’s for college students that encourage continuing life. Healing is harmed by an absolutist attitude and “slips” need to be handled calmly and return to the path encouraged. A severe spiral down is another story.
Even though they are different, Compmom, the similarity is that the parent in the other thread didn’t think things were so bad based on what her daughter was telling her. The daughter, just like this daughter, did a good job of saying things that made the parent believe all was well…when all was not well.
Could you link that other thread here? While there are differences, I think there are similarities as well…capable students, good talkers, and hopeful parents…all good things if everything was as the kid reported it to be.
ETA…here is the other thread. No not identical…but…
Interesting that I found this thread when I had considered posting my own. I have plenty to say on the topic. My own daughter needed to withdraw part way through her freshman year of a competitive private college, where no one noticed or called us when she had “dieted” herself to 90 pounds from a healthy 120. She was in dire physical shape and needed months of hospitalization and inpatient treatment to restore her medically, gain weight and begin her psychological recovery.
I understand now how quickly things in college can go badly. We did not realize she was so ill because she was far away and did not tell us. I know now that one cannot expect colleges to attend to the mental health needs of students, especially if they have no forewarning. I have heard from other parents how they were not contacted when their daughters were far too thin for it to be only the result of a casual diet.
My daughter spent spring semester last year in recovery only, and has been in community college this year. It is very far from ideal. She has no friends at home and no social life to speak of. All of her friends are away at colleges, and the students she has met at CC are older, many working with families, or not a friendship match in other ways. She is alone a lot of the time, or working at her part time job with people who are much older. She keeps herself busy with craft projects and reading. She is not in any way having a ‘typical college experience’, and while a serious illness precludes such, it literally does change everything.
My DD was a straight A student in high school who had achieved national recognition in her extra curricular, and was always busy with friends and activities. Now she is home by herself much of the time, still in recovery from a near death experience. She has lost a dream college, friends, so much of the life she hoped to have. The losses we all feel to this illness are palpable. it doesn’t mean that she can’t have a good life, but it is and will continue to be a different one than the one she had planned.
My daughter will be living in a dorm next year, but at a much, much less competitive college, quite close to home. She is looking forward to it. Two years ago, the thought of her going to such a college would never have occurred to us, and she would have sneered at it. However, she needs to be nearby so we can monitor her for relapse, which is so common with eating disorders.
We would never have expected that something so serious could have happened to our precious child, but it can, and does happen to those who least expect it. Mental illness does not discriminate. and denial is dangerous.
Confusedmom, if your daughter goes to the college as planned and lives in the dorm, says she is happy and engaged, doing well academically (doesn’t always correlate with mental health of course) and is normal weight , but you find out she has had a relapse (nor sure if bulimia is in the picture with your daughter, so weight loss might be a clue for you), what do you think you would do? What if you add alcohol or drug use, consistent perhaps with many other students but nevertheless troublesome in its connection to the ED.
The original poster’s family has already been through the first hospitalization, family education and so on. Should families bring their kids home every time there is a relapse? is it possible that staying in one’s life with imperfect recovery is a better way to go than rehospitalization and returning home?
I don’t know, I am just asking. I am not sure the original poster is in denial: I think they are just a little further along the path. This is going to be a long term process, as you well know.
I think ConfusedMomof4 is on the right path. I cannot comment specifically on her daughter’s care, but as a clinical psychologist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders I again want to emphasize that there is a danger in ignoring relapses, especially when there can be such serious medical consequences associated with both Anorexia and Bulimia. Many of my patients have transferred to schools closer to home after a more intensive level of care, both to reduce the academic stresses and to keep them focused on recovery as their highest priority.
I don’t know if a child should come home with every relapse, and it certainly seems to depend on the severity…i.e., is child more than five pounds below range, purging or using laxatives,exhibiting lots of ED behaviors, not going to classes, practicing poor self care etc. With a combination of those factors, I would bring student home.
The greyer areas are when it is clear that there is the beginning of relapse but student might be able to catch it before it is more catastrophic. My daughter knows how to put back on two or three pounds easily now. However, things with eating disorders can get medically dire in a short time. We nearly lost our daughter and even though we are more than a year out of the original incident, she still needs careful monitoring. She still tends to restrict, even if only slightly, when left to her own devices (she does not purge, but many restrictors become purgers over time, so we watch). She will need someone checking in on her every week next year, and it will probably be more than once. It is just the nature of the disease.
These kids do not recognize that they are so sick, even when they nearly collapse of exhaustion or near cardiac arrest. Most do not reach out for help, because it is one of the few diseases in which getting better, by medical standards, is not the goal; the reward for starvation is emotional calm and control, and usually people commenting that the sufferer “looks good” is a psychological reward as well.
I know kids who recover to the point that they can be away from home and doing well. That is, of course, everyone’s goal. It is just further down the path for some kids who have been so critically ill. Relapse can occur after even a long period of remission and apparent wellness. It’s a vile disease.
Hi, OP here. I thought I would check back in. We immediately started looking for a therapist for her. Even though she knew she’d be seeing someone off campus later that week, my daughter went to talk to the student counseling center as soon as it opened. So she is definitely taking this seriously. She met with two off-campus therapists and chose one of them. The therapist has extensive experience with eating disorders, having worked in an inpatient ED facility for many years. We have spoken with the therapist and conveyed all of her history and our concerns.
Daughter is feeling empowered and strong. She says she needs to stop being “teenager-y” - by which she means being reckless and making poor choices and generally being “bad”- and start being an adult, even though she admits it seems early to do so (I guess because the peers around her are partying and doing drugs etc.) She says “I see now that I am sick” and articulates that she does not want to continue this way. She’s enthusiastic about therapy. She texted me that she declined to go out to a party with her group of friends on Valentines Day (where there was to be drugs/drinking) and instead stayed in with a couple of floor-mates and watched movies. She said it was an important decision and she was very proud of herself.
Of course, we know that people with these illnesses (ED, addiction) are often master manipulators, and we’re going to keep our eyes open about possible lying. But right now this seems very genuine on her part. She will be seeing her therapist once a week for the rest of the school year. We feel comfortable, for now at least, with this arrangement.
Thank you all for your support and thoughts!
It is wonderful that you have managed to keep such good communication: the strength of your family relationships must be a huge help. Recovery isn’t linear or perfect: it sounds like progress is being made in integrating the lessons of the inpatient program with real life stressors. Good luck to you and your daughter and family!
So happy to read your update. I hope she finds some friends and activities that will make her happy away from the parties. And that she continues to make great progress. All the best!!