Eating disorder at college - looking for advice from other parents

Parents Forum
81

To the OP. I have seen a lot of strong, great, well meaning opinions on this thread. All will have a certain resonance with you I’m sure. I have been through the same situation with my D. (minus the Drug use). She too was in therapy, etc before she went off to college and believe me when I say, we were fully aware of the situation. She went off to college with our blessing, and her therapists, with us having all the parental anxiety that comes along with the disease as well as normal off to college worries.

Having researched the mental health department at her college, I realized that they just did not have the ability to deal with ED. We found all the resources she needed outside of her college. That being said, she did go to therapy some, and a nutritionist some,(how often I’m unclear as she was not always truthful) but still found herself continually battling her demons. Medications are great, but taking them consistently was another battle. Fortunately academics where not an issue.

Trust me when I say, I stalked her FB(which is misleading), emails, anything I could to keep myself apprised of her well-being. And we have good communication between us. It is very difficult at the age of the college kids to “make” them do anything. Figuring out what is normal college behavior/angst vs. ED behavior is tough to do. Since you have already begun the journey with her in high school you know that Working on empowering them is what seems to be the best course of action. Also, trusting your instincts is a must. Lying/manipulation is their M.O.

My D on her own accord made the decision to come home during her freshman year and seek further treatment. With our blessing she did and spent 5 months working on her health. It was/is the best decision SHE has ever made. I can say that she is in recovery and will graduate soon. Thank God. But I can also say to you, that her path has not always been easy, and is a continuous struggle.

Know that You are on the right path. You can try and get HIPAA papers signed as did I but not always, easy. I did have a one way dialogue with her therapists when I was worried. I made a mental note on whether she picked up her meds. And on and on… That being said, YOU can only do so much. They need to trip and fall and pick themselves up on their own. ( not easy as with Mental illness. It can be scary and disastrous.)

If you feel that for your D’s overall health and your families she needs to be closer to home then do it. Yep she’ll be pissed, but we get the brunt of their anger anyway, so whats a little more. Keep it up. Your doing great. And always remember your D may resist your wisdom, but she needs it more than anything.

You are welcome to PM me if needed.

82

I would second that you visit http://www.aroundthedinnertable.org and the http://feast-ed.org websites. Your daughter needs you to intervene…you can do it now or you can do it later, but she needs you.

83

My brother went into a cycle of drug abuse and depression. My parents brought him home, and because the college was within 45 minutes, he was able to live at home and finish a year late.

When it comes down to it, college is not that important when it comes to your child’s life.

As for “stalking” your child, I keep track of my child’s internet activity with his full permission. It is not stalking if they know you are doing it. And if you feel the need to hide tracking them, one starts to wonder who is ill…

I’ll agree it is one step at a time. Sometimes it does simply come down to a set of friends - in my brother’s case, I’m not sure if it was moving home as much as moving out of his fraternity house where there was rampant drug use.

Some forget that there is more than one path to success, and it can enhance the college experience to get some job experience before a four year degree. Different paths for different people.

84

I believe she needs to come home and work on getting strong,. She’s young. Waiting a couple of years to reenter college life will make no difference in the scheme of anything. Based on what you have said and my limited experience with people with addictive personalities, she is neither empowered nor strong enough to fight the demons on her own. She cannot be around the relentless party life with no supervision. Deep down , I believe, you also know this. I know you want to believe her, but it just seems overwhelmingly not a good place for her to be at this point.

85

I am going to chime in and add another vote for spending some time on aroundthedinnertable.org. I do really believe in my heart that this website and the experienced and caring people that post on it helped me save my daughter’s life several years ago and I am sure they will have some solid and experienced opinions for you. You have been given some great advise here but it is hard to sort through and make sense of. Everyone on that site has lived the pain you are going through with your daughter and they will understand the conflicts you have about wanting to keep her in school but wanting her to be well. My own daughter has been in remission for three years and is heading off to college in the fall. My own personal opinion is that your daughter does not need to want to get well to start the process of combating her disorder, she needs someone to tell her she has no choice. Even if your first instinct is not to bring your daughter home you still I presume control funds for school, maybe her cell phone and other things she wants and needs. Give her ultimatums. I suggest regular weight checks maybe at the health center and regular visits for therapy. If she doesn’t go things get taken away. Keep it up and she comes home. You may think her weight is not that low but it can change rapidly and you are not there to see it. Those that have not lived this with their child may think this is harsh and maybe an invasion of her privacy but nothing is more important than making sure your daughter is well. Leaving school for a little while will not effect her life but living with seriously disordered eating or worse will.

86

Hi. I am late to this thread but recently went through some health concerns and the hospitalization of my daughter while in her senior year of college. This is what I learned. You can let her take responsibility for her own health while being supportive of her. There is not much you can add or do directly. She has to decide she wants to get better. This will serve her well in the long run…she is growing up and needs to be in control, with her parents there for support. She is lucky to have so many good resources at her school. Stay in close touch with her but don’t try to deal directly with her health care providers unless she wants you to. Don’t ask if she’s going, ask how she’s doing.

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Purging only once can kill you. I’m sorry if that is scary, but it is the truth. Also, weight really doesn’t indicate how in danger a person with an eating disorder is, especially if they are purging. Please, do not look to her weight to see how healthy she is!

88

Dealing with a young adult with eating disorders is much more complicated than dealing with other illnesses where a course of treatment is more clear cut.

Like NEMom65, the followers of FBT and FEAST believe that EDs are biologically based brain illnesses and that the food is medicine, whether the sufferer is 7 or 77. ED sufferers need parents or family members to “feed them” back to health. This method is evidence based and has the highest rate of success.

The problem is that many/most young adults or adults won’t buy into their parents feeding them or controlling everything they put in their mouths.

But the other school of thought in ED, more like bintheredunthat’s method, is to leave the responsibility for recovery up to the individual, thinking that they have to want to get well in order to get well. This sounds good in theory, and at some point, every parent of a young adult or adult knows that their child has to participate in recovery, that it can’t be forced.

But when a person with ED is acutely ill, their brains are not functioning properly and they are unable to make good or rational decisions. Many, when extremely sick, cannot choose to eat, even if they want to do so, because the ED voices in their heads won’t allow it. The reason so many acutely ill patients end up in the hospital or in residential is that they simply cannot choose to eat on their own, and won’t listen to their parents or family members about the critical need to eat.

The trickiest part is that some sufferers can be weight restored, take responsibility for their eating and go on to have a long period of wellness. Some can do exactly the same course of treatment and relapse again and again. It is simply a disease that requires a huge amount of vigilance, particularly from family members, since sufferers never thinks they are as sick as they really are.

So, it is impossible for us on a message board to know the state of the OP’s d. The person who likely knows best is the mother, when she sees her daughter for herself.