Here’s a short essay I’ve written for some college applications. What do you think of it in terms of how it shows my personality? Thanks for comments.
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Wherever I go I see an elusive creature displaying a comedy act. That merry-go-round penguin teases me sinusoidally, coming closer and then leaving again. An invisible parabola in the sky guides my airplane across 180 degrees of blue, bringing some of its passengers to Nashville, Tennessee, to attend a national chess tournament. I bet the rate at which I fell asleep last night could be modeled exponentially. Ha!
Fifth grade molded my brain into a math-loving mass of neurons. Daily quizzes smacked a multiplication table poster onto my bedrooms wall. When I bought a new Cool Science Projects book for the summer, I saved money by using subtraction skills I had wrestled and pinned to my understanding the year before. Once I even dressed up as Pythagoras on Halloween, tangling myself in three colorful square frames. I always enjoy my companion I sometimes call Trig.
Math will propel me into a successful adulthood because it can be applied to almost anything. If I fail to continue to expand my mathematical skills, I can imagine that a shade will slowly come over my eyes and prevent me from acquiring any new knowledge about the universe. I cannot afford to ignore new math concepts: I must diligently add intellectual fertilizer to my brain as I grow. I do not see this process as letting my math skills catch up with me, but rather as pushing myself to reach that rascal on the road ahead waving a flag with cube roots on it.
<p>This is quite eeriely similar to my essay last year that used music. </p>
<p>I like what you have going there. You have a creative intro, story in the middle and then the conclusion is a nice wrap up of what you want to do with math.</p>
<p>Nice job darq.</p>
<p>Remember "Are you the only person that can write this?" I say yes. ;)</p>
<p>It sounds like you were given a list of vocab words and told to make up a story using those words. I think you need to simplify it so people can grasp what you are talking about and it sounds more natural. I like your idea and the last paragraph is great.</p>
<p>Try to "tone down" the vocabulary, but not all of it. You don't want your reader to get bogged down in so many "big" words that he/she misses some of the cute phrases in there like "intellectual fertilizer."</p>
<p>I greatly appreciate the comments from each of you.</p>
<p>I've been trying to "kick the habit" of overdoing vocab in my essays; I will work on the 1st and 3rd paragraphs as you suggested, iwantfood (and makam).</p>
<p>I didn't like this essay. It seemed like you were trying too hard--way too many 5- and 10-dollar words. To be honest, I had absolutely NO idea what you were talking about in the first paragraph. Some of the sentences don't really make sense, for example, "Daily quizzes smacked a multiplication table [in my room]"? I know you're trying to say that as a result of daily quizzes you added a multiplication table to your room decor, but in that sentence it seemed like english was your second language.</p>
<p>I like the idea behind the essay, though, and it is well-laid out. I'd keep the basic skeleton and just re-do the wording.</p>
<p>i agree... essays are supposed to be you TELLING the admissions officer about your personality, if you those big words and stiff sentances, it doesn't sound like your voice, but an english paper. Try to write like you would talk, though not to an extremely informal level.</p>
<p>I don't want to seem thirsty for attention, but here's a revised draft with your comments taken into consideration. I think this version sounds better. What do you think?</p>
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<p>Wherever I go I see a feisty little creature, commonly known as math, displaying a comedy act. That merry-go-round penguin teases me sinusoidally, coming closer and then leaving again. A parabola in the sky guides my airplane across 180 degrees of blue, bringing some of its passengers to Nashville, Tennessee, to attend a national chess tournament. I bet the rate at which I fell asleep last night could be modeled with a curve. Ha!</p>
<p>Fifth grade molded my brain into a math-loving mass of neurons. A multiplication table poster on my bedrooms ceiling helped me study for daily quizzes. When I bought a new Cool Science Projects book for the summer, I saved money by using subtraction skills I had wrestled and pinned to my understanding the year before. Once I even dressed up as Pythagoras on Halloween, tangling myself in three colorful square frames. I have always enjoyed my friend I sometimes call Trig.</p>
<p>Math will continue to shape me into a successful adult because it can be applied to almost anything. If I stop grasping new math skills, a shade will slowly come over my eyes and prevent me from learning about the universe. I must keep adding intellectual fertilizer to my brain as I grow. I do not see this process as letting my math knowledge catch up with me, but rather as pushing myself to reach that rascal on the road ahead waving a flag with cube roots on it.</p>
<p>your first paragraph is, in my opinion, fantastic, don't change anything on it! I love the first sentance, it literally made me grin... the second paragraph is very nice as well, although it ends kind of abruptly... "if i stop grasping new math skills, a shade will come over my eyes and prevent me from learning about the universe" its a little akward, maybe say something like "If i ever stopped grasping new math skills, i truly think a shade would slowly come over my eyes and prevent me from learning about the universe. I thus must keep...."</p>
<p>Hopefully i didn't sound too critical, because i thought that the essay was fantastic, you've progressed a long way... I'm starting one of my long essays tonight... wish me good luck!!</p>
<p>Do you really talk and think using phrases such as "I must keep adding intellectual fertilizer to my brain" and "That merry-go-round penguin teases me sinusoidally"? This is the kind of thing that lots of high school English teachers love. They love to see "creativity" and "effort" and lots of big words. The rest of the world, not so much. Especially not exhausted adcoms on their 29th application of the day. Don't make them work so hard trying to figure out what a chess tournament in Nashville has to do with anything or whether you were one of the participants or what you mean by a parabola in the sky. </p>
<p>The only thing the essay tells me about you is that you like math and you either have a very large vocabulary or easy access to a thesaurus. </p>
<p>I like the Pythagorus Halloween costume -- that tells me something about you. You mention fifth grade. I'm not crazy about the "molded my brain into a math-loving mass of neurons" phrase, but I am interested to know more about what happened specifically in fifth grade to set off your love of math. The first and last paragraph are really just a lot of words that say you like math. The second paragraph seems to allude to something more specific but it doesn't live up to its promise. Try to narrow your focus from "I like math" to something specific, an event, an experience, a struggle, a revelation, something that helps get to know you. Something concrete, something we can hang our hats on, for example-- "The rest of fifth grade was already pushing their way through the hot lunch line while I still sat hunched over at my desk, puzzling over the Phythagorean theorum. I hadn't even noticed that they'd left until the teacher..." Now I can picture a real kid instead of merry-go-round penguins and rascals waving cube root flags. I'm not saying take out the penguins and rascals; I'm saying they should play very minor roles in your one-act play.</p>
<p>I see what you're saying. But I find it hard to keep the penguins and all of the other things from the first paragraph while simultaneously focusing the essay more on one event from 5th grade that defined me. :-/</p>
<p>EDIT: If I cut "bringing some of its passengers to Nashville, Tennessee, to attend a national chess tournament," wouldn't the first paragraph be appropriate because it contains everyday occurences that are math-related?</p>
<p>I could cut the first paragraph altogether and start the essay from the second paragraph. What do you think?</p>
<p>I personally don't think this essay is that great...alot of people like math. I think your essay should be more specific. Stay on one topic..like the chess thing..you should continue with that going into your next paragraph instead of going into math class.</p>
<p>I've written a whole separate essay about going to a chess tournament. This essay must be about math (or a topic other than chess) simply because some of the colleges to which I'm applying require more than one essay.</p>
<p>I know a lot of people like math (I'm applying to MIT, among other science- and math-based schools, so I'm sure a few hundred other applicants will write about math), but I think my essay delves into the topic from a unique angle.</p>
<p>BTW, I'm absolutely feasting on these comments (positive & negative); keep them coming!</p>
<p>If you like some of your lead-in in the first paragraph, don't cut it out completely, but yes, I would leave out the bit about the chess tournament in Nashville. </p>
<p>Also what about fooling around with cutting all but the final sentence in the last paragraph, and then use the extra space (I assume you are working under space contraints) to expand (personalize!) the second paragraph -- talk about you not math here -- and then lead back into the last sentence of the last paragraph? So you would be going from the general to the specific and back to the general again, retaining the pengins and rascals but painting a clearer picture of you??? Just a thought.</p>