<p>I haven't posted in awhile since my son ended up turning down AFA for Norwich University with a navy scholarship. I'm not sure if I should post on her since he's not at an academy but a military college, but I was upset by an email I got today from him. He went up a week early for football, and hates it. He says he wants to come home, doesn't want to do football now, feels overwhelmed, and feels like he's over his head with football and the corps. He just went up today and he already has all these negative feelings. My husband called and said there was quite a bit of literature up there on kids feeling like this in the beginning, but I was a little shocked to here it so soon. I know he's had a hard time leaving his friends and that might be part of it, but does anyone have any advise. It feels awful as a parent to get emails like that. We're trying to be positive in our responses to him.</p>
<p>Wow. I'm really sorry to hear that.</p>
<p>Did he point to anything in particular, or was it an "it just all sucks" kind of message? If there is something specific, then maybe we can help.</p>
<p>I'm curious: Is this his first time away from home? REALLY away from home?</p>
<p>BTW, don't worry about posting here. NROTC is close enough to the brotherhood, especially when there's trouble afoot. :)</p>
<p>This is the first time he's REALLY been away from home. He was my kid that I always had to go pick up in the middle of the night because he got homesick staying away overnight :)))). His first email said he never felt like he wanted to come home so much in his life, he felt he was in over his head with football and the corps, that he couldn't be without a phone, tv or talking to people. The football coach is friends with his high school coach and he felt guilty not playing since the guy had been calling him all along the admissions process and my son liked him. It was just sort of assumed that he would play. He also is worried about a shoulder injury that was waived by dodmerb, but he has a harness and he says that he can barely move his arm with it on and that he would be favoring it and not giving it his all to football. They did have a football meeting tonight and he called my husband after and said he did meet some kids and they asked him to come down and stay with them tonight since right now, he doesn't have a room mate and I don't think that helps either. My husband said he did sound a tad better after being with the team. I'm hoping that once things get moving he'll be ok.</p>
<p>I "left home" (boarding school) when I was in the fifth grade. It sucked, but I got used to it. He's probably going through the same thing.</p>
<p>I know this must be difficult for you, and I don't want to sound callous, but it's time he learned to be on his own. Even birds push their young out of the nest after some time. Welcome to adulthood. SOmehow, I doubt that this hasn't occurred to you already.</p>
<p>Fortunately, it seems he sounded better. I guess all I can offer is to let some time pass. Perhaps the others here (who have actually sent kids off on their own, and as such have a different viewpoint than either of us) can offer you some other useful advice.</p>
<p>In the meantime, just hang in there. It can't be easy for eaither of you, but the kid's got to learn to be on his own. Sad but true.</p>
<p>Prayers sent. Be strong. :)</p>
<p>I know what your saying is true. He was the baby, and has been babied:)))), and he can't keep hanging onto his high school days, he has to learn to move on. Thank you for your input, it does make me feel better to talk to other people about it.</p>
<p>From a Mom:</p>
<p>Be a sounding board, be positive, send homemade cookies. Let him talk, do not give advice, but ask what he thinks. (When he says he wants to come home, ask him what his plan is. Convince him to stay through the end of the first semester). You are the only person in the world to whom he can reveal his fears as he knows you will not judge him. Often when they have verbalized their fears, its over. Let him call as often as he wants, but remember that you are hearing the worst. Once classes start he will likely make new friends and should do better.</p>
<p>I wish you well.
CM</p>
<p>Let me share part of an email I recieved from my son at USMA during re-orgy week 2004 (with his permission): </p>
<p>"I am in a huge depression. I just am not happy, ever. I think about giving up constantly but know that I can't. I feel trapped like I can't breathe. I need to get out. I don't think I want it enough. I don't think I want it at all. I'm hurting so bad, I'm in tears as I write this. I just don't have the motivation or desire anymore. I don't want this. I need to talk to you so bad. I just want to leave it. I proved myself through beast and thought it would get better, it's worse. Please help..."</p>
<p>Not an easy email to receive as a parent -- but we talked and agreed that such a decision shouldn't be made in the heat of the moment. He took a deep breath and kept going. I am pleased to say that he is anxiously anticipating his Oath of Affirmation tomorrow night, and feels he couldn't be in a place more suited to him. He's had a great two years, and is looking forward to the rest. </p>
<p>Let your son know you support him whatever his decision, but try to encourage him to give it a real chance. If not he may spend the next 60 years wondering "what if"...</p>
<p>Hopeful2010,</p>
<p>There is a saying that went around our parents club that if your kid doesn't want to leave (insert name of service academy) at least once, they haven't had a normal experience. For our daughter it was Plebe swimming (drowning) in the spring. For about a week, we were feeling as you do now---very concerned, worried, and wanting to "make it all better". The advise given thus far is really right on. Give him someone to sound off to but don't try to "solve the problem", as tempting and natural a desire as it is for a parent. We found that at least for our daughter, half of the solution was really to just give her someone to voice her complaints/worries/fears to (us) without having to worry abt repercussions (imagined or real), etc. The other half was to just let her work it out mentally on her own. </p>
<p>Hang in there!!</p>
<p>First - see what he can do (maybe with your help) to get a roommate - that would be a big help.</p>
<p>Second - it's his decision about football, just remind him how much he enjoyed playing in HS and if he decides not to play there's probably no going back so he should at least give it a try.</p>
<p>Third - this may sound harsh - but listen to him, and tell him to suck it up. Tell him he's old enough to make his own decisions but he has to live with the consequences of his actions. If he comes home, it's job, it's paying rent, etc.</p>
<p>For the record:</p>
<p>Unless things have changed (and I doubt it), many of you parents will find that these letters will increase in number and ferocity during the weeks after Parent's Weekend. It is a natural result of having been through Plebe Summer, then seeing their parents/loved ones/significant others, then being thrust right back into it after one or two days of near normality.</p>
<p>It's normal. They'll get over it. You need to make them see that what they are going through is both normal and short-term. They are also not alone. Their classmates are feeling it, too.</p>
<p>The trick is that they can't lose sight of the ultimate goal. If they do that, they are lost. If they can keep things in perspective, they'll power through it. It is a LEARNED skill, and Lord knows the SA's really ram the lesson down their throats.</p>
<p>Brace yourselves and be ready. Some kids will roll with the punch, learning the lesson easily. Others won't. </p>
<p>Hang in there. They'll be OK. It's normal.</p>
<p>Ask me how I know. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>And to echo what was said above, ensure that they don't make a rash decision on an impulse. They will regret it later. If, however, they legitimately decide it's not for them, then that is a different matter. IMO, however, not nearly enough time has passed for them to make that decision with the perspective they need.</p>
<p>This is going to strike someone somewhere the wrong way I'm sure, but posting it anyway. No intent to ruffle any feathers.</p>
<p>PLEASE remind me why I shouldn't attempt to talk my s out of ever feeling like he wants to send an email like the ones posted above.</p>
<p>S just received his 2nd LOA. Got one last year and double nominations and then got medically disqualified for not being off ritalin long enough. Handled it by buckling down to his workout routine and patiently waiting to reapply. Now he's busily working his way through the process again while excitedly also preparing to leave in a week and a half for what could turn out to be a ridiculously expensive gap year at Wash U St. Louis. I know for a fact that I might receive a homesick phone call or two from Wash U, but never anything like what I just read.</p>
<p>What would YOU do, and why?</p>
<p>(Yes, I know it's a big assumption that he'll make it through the process this year when he didn't last year).</p>
<p>
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PLEASE remind me why I shouldn't attempt to talk my s out of ever feeling like he wants to send an email like the ones posted above.
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</p>
<p>Oh! That's easy!</p>
<p>The reason you shouldn't attempt it is twofold. First, it won't work, so don't bother. Second, you have no right to dictate to your kid what to think as he goes through the system.</p>
<p>If your son gets in, you WILL hear comments like the ones above at least once, and most likely SEVERAL times. That's life.</p>
<p>The question becomes, what do you say to him when the comments arrive so he WON'T make a rash decision and just up and quit? THAT question has alread been answered. :)</p>
<p>Absolutely let him verbalize his frustration and fears.<br>
At a Service Academy he will not have access to a computer until after Reorg, so emailing will be impossible. But letters are encouraged.</p>
<p>Let you child write and express everything. You are the only outlet for the frustrations which will not think any less of him. Just don't try to solve the problem for him.</p>
<p>While the decision will be his, encouraging him to stay long enough to make a fully informed decision often will allow the plebe to get a more complete picture of the environment and realize that their entire experience is not plebe summer.</p>
<p>CM</p>
<p>I will echo the comments above. I don't think anyone was encouraging a parent to tell their son or daughter NOT to call or email them with their frustrations, concerns, etc. Those calls are necessary! Just don't try to solve their problem from afar. Many times all they need is the sounding board that is "safe" to use.</p>
<p>Some great advice. Where were you guys when my boys were toddlers?</p>
<p>I've also come to the conclusion that one of life's important lessons is to learn that feeling distraught is a relevant, unavoidable and perhaps even necessary part of our lives. Ideally we learn that everyone will have negative experiences in life and that you can recover, and in many cases benefit, from the resulting pain and suffering. Discomfort is often a prerequisite for the changes we need to make to our lives.</p>
<p>This observation is fairly easy to make from an objective, dispassionate viewpoint. It's a whole other situation when the person experiencing the emotionally painfull lesson is your treasured child. Letting my sons stumble and fall as they grow has been one of my greatest parental challenges. Too often I stepped in, 'saved my boy', and postponed the valuable lesson they needed to learn. </p>
<p>It took awhile for me to learn that trying to protect my boys from feeling acute distraught was a futile undertaking. Regardless of what I did, they were going to have some major setbacks, failures and unmet expectations in their spiritual, social and academic lives. I also learned that the definition of "major" is subjective and is totally controlled by the person undergoing the crisis. Eventually, I decided it would be more productive to let them learn how to deal with their pain than to avoid it. I also determined that most well-intended, sage fatherly advice is utterly wasted on sons. At least in the short-term.</p>
<p>Be assured, my own parental lesson in this area is ongoing and not one that I handled deftly. Part of my daily prayer is a request for the wisdom to know when to interject myself into my sons' lives and when to let them handle their lives alone. So far my prayer has not been answered as quickly as I would have liked. The speed at which my parental wisdom grows often rivals that of the glaciers. Maybe global warming will speed things up.</p>
<p>As I mentioned to hopeful in a pm, I am of an opinion, based on what my parents did NOT do for me when faced w/ the same issue, that the option of coming home should be eliminated from his choices. Make it clear that scholarship decisions have been made; admissions considerations are different; a decision has been made and, as is too common in life, you must bear the consequences for a period of time.</p>
<p>While it is one thing to be supportive, it is quite another to offer words of "we'll support you whatever your decision" or "I'm sure you will make the right decision." Unfortunately, the decision might be to come home; with life consequences the result.</p>
<p>I wish my parents had "made" me stay when I first went away to school. My parents made it too easy for me to choose coming home.</p>
<p>Visit him every other weekend if necessary, but make it clear that he must stay the course for the year.</p>
<p>Some good advice from people who have BTDT. PM me anytime you need a shoulder, hopeful! :)</p>
<p>
[quote]
Where were you guys when my boys were toddlers?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Underway, making way. :D</p>
<p>hopeful2010, you are in the perfect place to voice your concerns & worries. Norwich is not an easy place. I'd started a conversation on this subject in the USMMA forum due to a couple of emails I'd received. This is a common problem. Disclaimer: I'm not a shrink nor an expert. But feel its good to talk about it so you know you're not alone. Its a fine line between love & hate at these places for kids. They seem to like to take us along on their crazy bumpy ride so its good to talk here. Here are some of the conversations we've had: </p>
<p>I too, went through that first "bad" letter. My heart sank when my daughter's first letter from USMAPS started with I don't think this place is for me. I really have to think about this. She left behind a boyfriend that she just started to get a little serious with and the comforts of her life as she knew it. I (selfishly) thought "oh no, I don't want to go through this whole college thing again." We had turned down a few wonderful colleges with fantastic scholarship opportunities, knowing that she would spend a year at Prep, earning no college credits. I couldn't see her coming home, and then what? It was too late to go to the colleges she really wanted (besides USMA), and she would have maybe worked locally and taken a few community college classes before we went through the whole application process again!!!! So, I reminded her of her dismal options if she came home. I never said it wasn't an option but she had to know that her friends would all be away at school, she wouldn't be happy back home and she would be bored. I reminded her of all the reasons she wanted to go to USMA in the first place and although I didn't personally know what she was going through, I tried to empathize. I also got out all the cheerleaders that I knew (people who had been through military training) and asked them to write letters to share some of their experiences. My father was a good one. Although he was in the Navy back in the late 50's, early 60's, he wrote her and told her he was really shocked going through basic and at first didn't like it, but when he was out there, he really loved it. My husband, who was in National Guards, shared some of his experiences, also. As a matter of fact, they both spent some time at Ft. Dix, NJ, so it all helped. It did get better. There were a lot of ups and downs. She survived Beast so much better because of her Prep time and although I know there will be a lot of ups and downs she truly loves it. She can't stop smiling and saying "I CAN'T believe I'm here!!!", "I can't believe I'm wearing this uniform". She said all of the encouragement really helped. I hope he makes the right decision.</p>