Enough of this asian girl crap... what about asian parents?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>For those of you who have one or more Asian parents (preferably first generation parents), how do you rate the experience that you have had with them?</p>

<p>For me, it seemed that Asian parents are over-protective and harsh at times. They always pushed me to do better when I was young, and tended to get mad when I didn't do as well as I could. Although then I didn't appreciate their support for me, I realized that they instilled in me superior values. I have had a couple of drinks at parties, but I never got drunk because I think it is stupid. I have never smoked a single cigarette or a joint. And most importantly, I value education above all. Although I believe that I would have developed an interest in academia without my parents, I believe that their constant pushing had had some effect on me.</p>

<p>That's not to say they didn't have their bad parts. Asian parents in general are pretty conservative, so sometimes they get upset when you don't like up to their norms. As you can probably tell by some of my previous posts, my dad got mad at me because I couldn't find a job during the summer and I played video games too much. But I can totally understand their position, because they were very poor and had to work very hard to reach the position that they have now.</p>

<p>When I tell my stories to my Caucasian friends, they usually draw blunt conclusions like my parents are abusive or don't respect people as individuals. But when you place events in a broader context, everything is there for a purpose- there are no "good" people or ways of doing things. My parents were both very poor, and the self-discipline, hard work, and a little bit of sternness that allowed them to succeed manifested itself a little bit in me.</p>

<p>Of course, the above examples I mentioned only affected me when I was young. Once my parents found out that I could take care of myself, they cared less and less about controlling me. Although I disagree with some of their methodologies that they advocated, I see logic in their choice. I think that young children and adolescents are sometimes too immature to see the bigger picture, and can be led in the wrong direction. A lot of my friends who were allowed to "do whatever they wanted" are now into drugs, do stupid things, and didn't do well in high school. I believe now that my parents did what they did because they cared; they didn't use individual freedom as a crappy excuse to not take care of their kids.</p>

<p>But my overall point is, it's easy to draw negative conclusions about things, but one needs to look at the bigger picture. Instead of taking the bad experiences I had with my parents and letting it affect me for the rest of my life, I analyzed the broader situation from which this bad Karma arose from: why did my parents yell at me this time? Why are they proud of some things, but look down on others? If more people take this to heart, we would get less threads on stuff like "Being asian sucks" or "asian girls always date white guys."</p>

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<p>you have an interesting point there (although we should also consider the possibility that there are asians whose experiences are different from yours). one must consider the possibility that some asians found ways around parental restrictions and rebelled against them by indulging in drugs/alcohol/etc more excessively than they otherwise would. I think this group is a small minority though.</p>

<p>my mother used to push me. then i took my academic motivation into my own hands, especially once i realized that my school sucked (though i don't know if i would have done so if she didn't teach me math outside of what the school taught me). nowadays though, my parents still try to restrict my freedom (in fact, they're trying to discourage me from studying so much - but I realize that there is so much rewarding out of studying diverse subjects) and i'm extremely resentful at that. </p>

<p>the same behaviors that may encourage good behavior in one environment may not encourage good behavior in another environment. </p>

<p>for example, asian parents tend to be conservative, which often makes them resistant to allowing their children to homeschool themselves (this is just a hunch I have). my parents rejected my offer to homeschool myself in 8th grade. an early entrance program saved my sanity, but my imagination would have been so screwed were it not for that program. </p>

<p>and they also enroll their kids in chinese school, tennis, piano, and all that crap (non-applicable crap). maybe it's a good alternative to the other activities that most students in school do - but hell - there are activities that the children may enjoy more than those (but it often takes going OUTSIDE of the school for the kids to realize that)</p>

<p>i think my mother was comparatively liberal though, compared with some others. while she never allowed me to homeschool myself, she allowed me to drop out of chinese school and to quit tennis. </p>

<p>and for those people who come here and say "well don't stereotype all asian parents as overly restrictive!" - yes - we all know that parents are different. but there are a large percentage of asians who have overly restrictive parents.</p>

<p>==
my mother is actually quite westernized (even though she was born in china). she takes offense when I swear and is really squeamish whenever she encounters insect corpses in her food (as people in western cultures tend to do). my other parent isn't really westernized and one of the results of that is that i can swear like hell around him</p>

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<p>Kea, your mom sounds like the opposite of many Asian parents. While you see your mother as restrictive for not allowing you to homeschool yourself and for getting you to study less, those things are very atypical of Asian parents. </p>

<p>Most Asian parents, IMHO, want their kids to study more.</p>

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<p>My parents let me quit Chinese school, SAT class, and violin class. The more and more they realized I can accomplish things by myself, the more they realized that the leash could be left less taut.</p>

<p>I agree that not all Asian parents raise their kids the right way, but they do teach some important values. The same with Western culture, it does have some benefits but it does have its problems too. My parents realized that I can still learn creatively, so they adopted a less orthodox approach in my education.</p>

<p>Your argument about rebellion brings up an interesting point. I did argue with my parents many many times, but I was smart enough to realize that some forms of argument are good and others are not. Doing drugs and having sex to spite your parents hurt you more than it hurts your parents. I was not stupid, and I realized this. </p>

<p>Now, I have many interests outside of what my parents taught me. I learned to program (my parents actually discouraged this because it's too "nerdy"), learned philosophy, learned how to modify airsoft guns (my parents discourage this too, after VA tech), learned how to make levels in video games, etc. I do this because I enjoy variety in life, not because I am so insecure that I don't want to be perceived as the stereotypical asian.</p>

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<p>Asian parents aren't some unique breed in the whole of human history. They pretty much act like all responsible immigrant parents do. The Jewish mother stereotype makes the Asian mom stereotype look positively hippie-like. And despite all the racist stereotypes against Black parents in America, in Britain, Nigerian parents are perceived as extremely strict and driven.</p>

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<p>
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They pretty much act like all responsible immigrant parents do.

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</p>

<p>You could take "immigrant" out of that sentence and it would still hold true.</p>

<p>What kind of parent DOESN'T want their kids to do better?</p>

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<p>I think what might make immigrant parents different is the emphasis on academics as the most important value, and the acceptanility of "compliance". I think many Americans value prosperity and individuality more, even if at the expense of academic success. I think only a subset of Americans see academic success as the most controllable or predictable way of achieivng overall "success".</p>

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<p>
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You could take "immigrant" out of that sentence and it would still hold true.

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</p>

<p>I suppose so. But if you take a "responsible American parent" and compare them to a "responsible immigrant parent", I don't think there'd be nearly as much culture clash in the former as there is in the latter.</p>

<p>Elaborating on what Shrinkrap said, some Asian (and other immigrant) parents seem to think that the only thing they really need to teach their children is how to be academically successful, as opposed to emotional well-being. If anything, it's the other way around. Teachers and peers can help students succeed in the classroom, but only parents have the intimate relationships with their children in order to create well-adjusted and confident young people. Unfortunately, I think many immigrant parents are so overwhelmed with their new surroundings that they vainly wish that all they have to do to make their kids lead a happy life is force them to do math and chemistry for 4 hours a day.</p>

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<p>My husband would disagree that there is a choice between stressing academics OR ( i can't do italics) emotional well being. Since learning about the current state of entering college, I think it's worth mentioning that he is an imigrant from Jamaica. My mother was first generation from the West Indies, and my father was born in Alabama in 1918. We are all Black. I believe in the value of self-sufficiency, personal values, standing up for your-self, not killing yourself or anybody else, and not getting shot. My husband is all about the academics.</p>

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<p>nbachris2788</p>

<p>I see an interesting perspective in your argument, and it surely does apply to some people. But the thing is, a lot of people with Asian parents (or any other immigrant parents) can't speak emotionally to their parents. I rarely talk to my parents due to language barriers, I know Chinese, but it's sometimes impossible to find just the right word or just the right connotation even if you are a good speaker. And even if your language is decent, it's still hard to understand the culture of your parents' completely. That is where a lot of disagreement comes from, and that is why I rarely talked to my parents about personal issues (or any issues at all).</p>

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<p>That's too bad.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
But the thing is, a lot of people with Asian parents (or any other immigrant parents) can't speak emotionally to their parents. I rarely talk to my parents due to language barriers, I know Chinese, but it's sometimes impossible to find just the right word or just the right connotation even if you are a good speaker. And even if your language is decent, it's still hard to understand the culture of your parents' completely. That is where a lot of disagreement comes from, and that is why I rarely talked to my parents about personal issues (or any issues at all).

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</p>

<p>I have immigrant parents as well, so I have personal experience in this issue.</p>

<p>I don't think the problem is as superficial as language; I think it has more to do with culture. Even though we may lose sight of it with all this gay marriage homophobia and such, America is still one of the most liberal societies in the world. Many immigrants come from more culturally conservative areas where it's not okay for parents to talk about their personal experiences, feelings, etc. The parent is supposed to be more like a CO than a therapist, so even if there were no language problems, it'd be the cultural barrier that gets in the way.</p>

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<p>well i didn't read all of it but my parents are also immigrants </p>

<p>yes i agree that they are over protective and harsh but asian parents can't be stereotyped every parent is different although most asian parents are taht way not every parent is </p>

<p>yes i did get a lot of freedom but they are very over protective about it and all they really care about are grades and if i don't get high grades they become harsh</p>

<p>my 2 cents</p>

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<p>My parents USED to push me.
Until I figured out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life when i was in 7th grade or so (that I still sort of stuck with after 7-8 years)</p>

<p>Well they still pushed me after that but after they saw my B's in math (haha going against the norms!) they sort of loosened their grips on me. I don't know, it was liberating yet sorta sad at the same time because they were just like "whatever" at my grades, like they've given upon me. But I did have an older brother who was the 'smart one' so I made him do all the work. hahaha.</p>

<p>Anyways since I wanted to be a graphic novel artist/animator/illustrator, they let me read whatever graphic novel I wanted to read, watch whatever animations I wanted to watch, and draw whenever I wanted to (even now) they even called it 'studying' too. LOL. I guess to a certain extent it was because I did learn alot from reading/watching in general. But yeah alot of asian parents wouldn't want their kids to become a graphic novel artist but my parents were cool about it.. (i know there are lots of asian art majors though so... its not like asians are against the arts) I think it was also because i was a girl... (like if I was starving with my art degree I can just get married instead... :/ sad but true) And also because my mother majored in design herself (she loves drawing/graphic novels/painting/writing) so I guess I got her genes. She's from Korea and although she got her masters in one of the best schools in korea, she always told me she wanted to study abroad when she was younger too in college... :/ I'm kinda doing what she wanted to do when she was younger (we came over to US in the first place because of my dad's Ph.D degree... but my mom never got her chance to study...)</p>

<p>my parents are conservative of course (my dad's a south baptist pastor on top of that haha) but they aren't crazy or anything. I never had problem with them because of their conservativeness so I guess it worked out (I don't think my mom even minds drinking all that much... well she probably doesn't know its illegal to drink over here until you are 21.. but) Like they wouldn't let me goto sleep overs and stuff before but since I lived in my friends house for two years... I think they got over it. hahaaha.</p>

<p>And the language barrier... I never speak English to my parents. I kept up with my korean/korean culture due to all the korean books and the internet, lol. My parents really dislike it when I speak english to them so.. I never had a language problem with them. i lived in korea for awhile too so I never had a problem with the culture either (i fly back often too)</p>

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<p>You really need to differentiate btwn Asian-American parents (those who are 2nd, 3rd, 4th plus gen) and Asian parents who are immigrants (and even with these, there are differences btwn immigrant parents who are financially well-off and those from more modest or poor backgrounds).</p>

<p>As nbachris has already stated, many other immigrant groups have the same experiences.</p>

<p>There was a recent article in the Wash Post about how many immigrant parents send their kids back to their ancestral land for a year or two of HS in order to expand their horizons – one complaint by the kids – that the students in Africa were very competitive.</p>

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<p>I'm Chinese and raised in Hong Kong but fortunately I had a decent childhood and my parents are pretty liberal. They are not immigrants, in fact. They have lived in Hong Kong for most of their lives, and as did I, until I left for North America.</p>

<p>My parents let me explore my interests and were never obsessed about my academics. Maybe it helps that my dad is an art major, and my mom an English major :).</p>