Essay about a talent, rate?

Colleges and Universities A-Z Princeton University
1

<p>I slowly ran my fingers along the sides of the object that I held in my hand. Most people called it the Rubik's Cube. Many adventurous souls have at some point spent a minute or two with the Cube, twisting and turning the sides hoping to match the colors on each face. I examined the enigmatic chunk of plastic resting silently between my nimble fingers. All six sides were scrambled, staring back at me through a messy explosion of color. </p>

<p>I remember walking through the toy store a few months prior, noticing the infamous Cube perched upon a lonely shelf. Cube in hand, I sauntered out of the store with a smirk of determination plastered on my face. I remember my first attempts to solve the Cube. The many dents and divots in my wall serve as reminders.</p>

<p>Between homework assignments I would sit at my desk at home and develop solving methods. Wrinkles spread across my forehead as I tried to visualize the various outcomes of certain moves. I’d grind my teeth whenever I’d look at the Cube in its unsolved state, sickened by its utter lack of cooperation. Every attempt to put an end to the colorful battle that raged on the Cube’s faces only resulted in a more vibrant war. My numb, aching fingers couldn’t handle any more torture. My desire to solve the Cube began to starve. I hungered for some form of progression. </p>

<p>Weeks later, the Cube began to make sense. Time had elucidated the solution for me, fusing the secrets of the Cube to my mind. Conquering a puzzle had never felt so wonderful before. When I was younger, putting together a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle or figuring out a magic card trick was satisfying enough, but the Cube, to me, was the master of all puzzles. Nothing else brought me the same kind of euphoria. </p>

<p>Leaning back against a lightpost in downtown Portland, I let my mind and muscles relax as my hands methodically began to manipulate the Rubik's Cube. The chaotic clash of colors became an iridescent whirlwind, accompanied by the continuous, rhythmic clicks that spilled out from each turn I made. Twenty seconds had passed before I matched up the colors on all six sides of the Cube. It was done. Someone slipped a dollar bill into my right hand. Looking up, my eyes met the face of a man with a cavernous, gaping void for a mouth.<br>
“I’ve never met anyone who could solve a Rubik’s Cube before,” he told me.</p>

<p>I wanted to tell him that the Cube, although intimidating, was merely a puzzle that demanded time and persistence, and nothing more. Careful observation clears the fog of uncertainty enshrouding a sought-after solution. Any given puzzle followed a similar pattern – that is what the Cube had taught me. Effort brought answers closer to the mind's eye, no matter how difficult the puzzle or problem was. Smiling at the man, I gave him back his money, telling him that it was best spent elsewhere – perhaps on a puzzle of his own to solve.</p>

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<p>Hmmm....I think I like it - but I'm not entirely sure. Its probably going to be viewed as one of those essays that proves a kid is a great writer, but I doubt it will be something that can push you into the admit pile. I really liked your style of writing, but its such an isolated talent that its hard to get a "point" across to the reader. You did a great job of explaining it, and considering its about a Rubik's Cube, I thought it was excellent.</p>

3

<p>I really, really liked it. Shows determination.</p>

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<p>I liked it, but it's somehow lacking something, I'm not sure what, but something just isn't there. I guess I agree with Ilcapo, I can see you're a great writer, but it isn't going to get you admitted (though certainly not rejected)</p>

5

<p>Yeah I know it's lacking something but I'm not sure what. I was trying to use the Cube as an example of what astrix denoted as determination to tell something about myself.</p>

<p>When I visited Princeton an adcom, when speaking about essays, said something like "If you're passionate about pogo sticks, write about pogo sticks!" so I took that as something synonymous with Rubik's Cube solving, so...</p>

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<p>As a creative writer, I'll comment on the style first and foremost. My suggestion for improvement is to remove words/sentences that are too melodramatic. Examples:</p>

<p>"My*numb, aching* fingers couldn’t handle any more torture," or "I sauntered out of the store with a smirk of determination plastered on my face."</p>

<p>Simplify! Phrases like the bolded ones are too over the top. I know you're trying to paint an atmosphere with such language, but remember, a little goes a long way. :)</p>

<p>As for content, the topic can work. However, I think you need to imply more in your essay how your Rubik's cube practice has taught you virtues which you will carry to a college campus (e.g. patience, persistence, et cetera). I think you're trying to get at something like this when you write, "I wanted to tell him that the Cube, although intimidating, was merely a puzzle that demanded time and persistence, and nothing more. Careful observation clears the fog of uncertainty enshrouding a sought-after solution. Any given puzzle followed a similar pattern – that is what the Cube had taught me," but it doesn't quite make it.</p>

<p>Cheers! Hope that helps a bit. :)</p>

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<p>How does it not quite make it? What would need to be removed/changed?</p>

8

<p>Most people called it the Rubik's Cube.</p>

<p>This sentence stood out. What do other people call it?</p>

9

<p>Hell in a cube? :P</p>

10

<p>This is beautiful. Your adjectives might be overused a little, but this is a very good essay. Good visual effect.</p>

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<p>Those three sentences are the impact of your essay, so they need to be elaborated. Develop them a bit. Also, one or two of the sentences can use rephrasing for clarity. Careful observation clears the fog of uncertainty enshrouding a sought-after solution. I had to reread that sentence three or so times until I understood what you were getting at because it reads awkwardly. An admissions officer won't have time to do that. I have to go somewhere right now, so this post will be cut short, but I'll do an example rewrite of the sentence tonight to illustrate what I mean. :)</p>

12

<p>Alright I'll tone down the adjective use a bit, thanks :) I'll also tinker with that "most people" line but I still need to shift from the cube to my qualities a bit more, i think (as c_j stated). </p>

<p>Alright, thank you so much c_j!</p>

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<p>yeah, it's just a little hazy. I like the ideas, but there are too many words. Try to just simplify. Take out everything that's unneccesary (you can put stuff back in later) and just look at its skeleton. Try to see where it's going, cause it gets a little lost in the drama here and there. But I like the idea. Good luck!</p>

14

<p>Okay. For example, here's a quick rewrite of the sentence I promised:</p>

<p>I wanted to tell him that the Cube, although intimidating, was merely a puzzle that demanded time and persistence. Indeed, the Cube had taught me that through careful observation, solutions to even the most difficult puzzles can be uncovered. </p>

<p>The last sentence says the same thing as, *Careful observation clears the fog of uncertainty enshrouding a sought-after solution. Any given puzzle followed a similar pattern – that is what the Cube had taught me. *, but it reads with more straightforwardness and clarity. </p>

<p>Anyway, again, I really like the topic. Good luck on your rewrite. :)</p>

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<p>Personally, I think that this is one of the most well-written essays I've ever read. t's detailed, it flows beautifully, and it gets your message across: you obviously have a lot of drive and determination to succeed.</p>

<p>That being said, though, it doesnt make me LIKE you. It doesn't make me jump up and say "WOW! I WANT THAT KID IN MY SCHOOL!" I think sometimes a more casual essay with a realistic tone, even if it may not be as pretty, is more successful for the college essay. I feel like your SAT scores will speak for themselves about what kind of writer you are; the essay seems to be mor effective when its written conversationally.</p>

<p>Just a thought, take it for what it's worth. No matter what, the essay definitely won't get you rejected. It just probably won't get you accepted either, and with your skills it seems like you might have the talent to write one that would.</p>

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<p>Alright so less flowery language, more conversational.</p>