<p>A friend of mine, a writer, reviewed my daughter's essay looking for grammar, language, overall readability, etc. She offered some very constructive comments and concluded by telling me that she thought it was very well-written and a moving telling of the story my D wants to tell.</p>
<p>After continuing to hone it, adapt, accept comments, etc., she came up with what she thought was a final draft. My friend looked at it a second time and hated it. Namely, she felt the first read was more compelling, said it took her a lot more time to review/edit than the first one which felt more personal.</p>
<p>My D doesn't seem bothered by this assessment but honestly, I'm a little freaked. We did encourage some changes because early on the essay talked a lot about how the organization worked (she's a 10-year volunteer) rather than about what SHE did, learned, accomplished etc. within the organization. </p>
<p>I know it's just one person's opinion but when someone tells you the story is less compelling, it hits you right in the gut, you know? We need these essays to lead to merit $$ more so than acceptances, but isn't compelling the name of the game?</p>
<p>Can anyone offer a voice of reason to bring me from the edge? Should we have someone else read it? I am NOT enjoying this!!</p>
<p>sujormik, have someone else read it. Teachers,fmaily friends, etc. are available. There are even readers here on CC. Maybe they should read both versions and help describe what moved them, how it flowed, etc.</p>
<p>If the first version was moving but more about the organization than about your d’s role in it, that’s not surprising - a worthwhile organization probably does have a more moving story to tell than a 17 y/o volunteer. I think, though, that the essay should be about the applicant, not the organization. It’s fine to submit an essay that isn’t moving, as long as it reveals something about the applicant’s character/POV and writing ability.</p>
<p>But, in your position, I’d ask your d if a hs English teacher (or barring that, a GC) might be willing to read both essays and offer an opinion. It sounds as if your d might recapture some of the feeling in the original piece if she adds something about how she feels about the group’s mission and what drew her interest to it.</p>
<p>I second the idea of having someone else look at it. And it would be great if you happened to save the original version for them to look at as well. Howvever, in hopes of talking you off the proverbial cliff -</p>
<p>We do a lot of writing where I work, and a lot of it is for public consumption. As part of the review (which generally consists of several versions, all of which I save), my boss, my boss’s boss, and our attorney all read the reports and make suggestion. All three of them are considererd excellent writers (grads of elite schools if that matters, with years of writing of this type) and you would not believe the arguments that ensue over the content, the way things are expressed, and things such as style and grammar. Which goes to show that this is more of an art than a science - there is not always necessarily one universally agreed upon “correct or best way” to write something.</p>
<p>Most amusingly, often we will send the report to our boss, who will edit it significantly. THen, perhaps a week later, we will send him the report again with a few additional changes, and he will proceed to edit his ealrlier edits, often back to the way they were written in the first place. It is all a little whimsical, seems like it depends on his mood that day.</p>
<p>Hello,
I think it might be interesting if other people read those two essays, so they could say which is better, and what they would change or what they liked the most in both,
So your daughter, if it is possible, could write a new essay changing what they think would be changed, and writing the same, or almost the same, things they liked the most,
Doing this, you would show the essay to some people, and if they liked it, it will be the final essay, if not, you would ask them again what would be changed and what not, or if they have some ideas on how to write it,
I know it would be stressing, but it is important to write a new one, if your Daughter does not feel confident with the second essay,
Best wishes and Good Luck,
Giulia.</p>
<p>The idea of having “multiple eyes” on an essay is a good one–depending upon the quality of the eyes. My wife is a communications major, English minor, and a former small-town newspaper editor in a past career. Sounds like she would be an ideal person to read S’s essays, right? Not necessarily. First, she’ll have to mentally stiff-arm the AP Stylebook. Then, she’ll have to understand that this is not an essay in the sense of Susan Sontag or E.B. White. The college admissions essay is a unique animal.</p>
<p>The ideal reader would be a former admissions officer or a college counselor that has seen plenty of student essays, knows the results they’ve achieved, and who recognizes the common elements of the “good ones.” In the absence of such a reader, consulting books written by former admissions officers (Harry Bauld’s On Writing the College Application Essay is frequently recommended by users of this site) might be a good idea.</p>
<p>Doing the math, your D must have started with this organization in early elementary school! There is clearly a story to tell and there’s nothing wrong with getting help to make sure it’s told in the manner most likely to help her achieve her goals.</p>
<p>sujormik - the one thing to keep in mind above all else is that the essay must convey tour D’s voice and her story. It needs to tell the reader something interesting about your D and who she is and what she will be able to contribute to her future college campus. I have had the opportunity to hear presentations by hundreds of college admission reps - and the overarching theme of their comments on essays is that they want to hear from the student! Not the parents, not the English teacher, not the paid consultant - the student. Over-editing of essays is a frequent complaint. Editing to correct spelling and glaring grammatical errors is fine - but beyond that - stop. The essay that is too polished may appeal more to an adult who is a teacher or corporate writer - but that is NOT what a college admissions rep is seeking. Too much editing can rob a charming essay of what makes it unique.</p>
<p>I suggest looking at the various versions of your D’s essay - and picking the one that is the most compelling - that tells the reader the gist of who your D is and what makes her tick. That’s the one you want her to submit.</p>
<p>My S wrote 2 essays. One was about an intense intellectual experience he had had, that really expressed the essence of who he is. The other was about an EC experience, and was more easily accessible to a quick read and more conventionally “human.” Both of them were very well written, both personal in different ways. After he was deferred from his SCEA school–where he submitted the intellectual essay as his personal statement and the EC essay as the supplemental one–I asked a friend who had been on the admissions committee at Princeton to read them both. My sense was, from everything I had read on the subject, that the typical adcom was going to respond much more to the EC essay. She confirmed that. He switched the two, making the EC essay the personal statement on the CA, and using the intellectual essay as a “why school X” response with some tweaking for each app.</p>
<p>Who knows if it made a difference. But a) years ago I saw comments from one professor to another at the U of C in the graduate English department which stated that the fact that a paper was “an easy read” was in its favor (and you would think that that was an audience that would appreciate a bit more complexity!), b) from years of writing in the business world, I realize that one pretty much has to hit most readers between the eyes with a 2x4 to get their attention, and c) one must realize that adcoms are quite possibly reading dozens of essays per day in a state of exhaustion. I think it is wise to recognize your audience and go for the gut and the easier read with a more obvious “story.” Even at the most elite institutions.</p>
<p>Your D should be able to produce a third draft that retains the virtues of the first, and incorporates the corrections/edits of the second.</p>
<p>sujormik, I read a number of essays for CC students on here last year. Feel free to pm me your D’s essays if you like (and you have her permission).</p>
<p>An interesting dilemma. My son had a similar problem where at one point an essay he wrote seemed to be much more about the organization than a personal statement. He ended up using the essay about his favorite EC and when he answered that slightly different question the essay as revised in his final version actually ended up being one of his best essays. He talked a lot about the organization, but the way he talked about it really revealed his personality and intellect. I can’t tell you which version of your daughter’s essay was better, but I do think it’s important for the essay to sound like it’s coming from the student and that one way or another it reveal something positive about the student.</p>
<p>Thanks, right now we’re thinking about merit money from the colleges. A number she’s applying to will go straight to merit consideration once she’s accepted, so we just really want it to tell her story in the best possible way.</p>
<p>I’ve read dozens of student essays on CC in the last several years. PM me if you want me to comment. I will confirm that the best essays are those that “flow” and aren’t a chore to read. It is a relief to read a clean, straightforward essay after a bunch of bad ones.
(The most common problems I’ve seen: essays filled with misused SAT vocabulary words and complex, paragraph-long sentences that are impossible to follow.)</p>