Essay Crticism say anything you want about it

<p>Hi, Basically i need help for my college application essay and i was hoping if anyone could help me in revising my essay with some criticisms and what to keep in mind. Thank You</p>

<p>When I was growing up, I always tried to find what I was good at. When I entered my junior year of high school, I found my true talent, languages. I had always been quite fond of languages because they were never something that was difficult for me to learn; the fact that there were languages out there that I didn’t understand intrigued me to the point where I wanted to learn every language out there. I was already bilingual, speaking both English and Spanish fluently but, to me, that was not enough. I soon began to buy language books of those that caught my attention. Soon enough, with hard work and dedication, I learned Italian. Soon after, I learned French and then I began to learn my most beloved language, Japanese. At first, I thought that Asian languages were bound to be hard since the writing and grammar itself was completely different from American and Romantic languages; and the fact that it’s completely symbolic adds to the thought of the language being hard since it’s not what most people are used to. After I began to study Japanese and after having spent around 2 months studying the language, I became even more intrigued by it. The pronunciation and grammar were easier than I thought although the symbols were difficult because the stroke order matters a lot. I had to put great amounts of dedication and hard work to learn them well considering it was more like a hobby for me at the time. Later on, I was able to keep a common conversation with someone after just 5 months of studying it! It was unfortunate for me that my high school did not offer Japanese classes though, for I think that there’s only so much one can learn by themselves. You also must practice with someone that already knows the language well. Since I couldn’t afford Japanese classes, I began to buy whatever I could to help me better pronounce the words and understand things better than before. By the third month, I had memorized over 100 kanji and I had memorized the two alphabets (hiragana and katakana) by heart. I was so proud of myself; I had conquered a language that was completely different from all the rest. After I realized that I had the ability to learn languages quite easily, I expanded my horizons. Now, I’m beginning to study Chinese (both Mandarin and Cantonese), Russian, Portuguese, and German. I came to the conclusion that I don’t need a teacher to be there and teach me a language, I have enough courage and ambition to study languages by myself and learn them well. So, I’m well off on my way to accomplish my goal of going to college and becoming a Japanese translator and linguist. And who knows, maybe I can become a hyper polyglot and work in the U.N. I believe that my determination to pursue my goals will benefit the University of Florida greatly since I love to help people in whatever ways I can and I like to help out the community as well as fellow classmates. My quest to reach my goal has only just begun.</p>

<p>I really enjoyed reading this essay. It was clear that you have an enthusiasm, and that you're very talented. I do suggest that you bring it into your English teacher for review, since the grammar needs work. Some words are misused, such as "great amounts of dedication." Words shouldn't be repeated within the same sentence (better/better). </p>

<p>I was a little concerned with the conclusion that you can teach yourself languages without a teacher (last part of the essay), which is inconsistent with eagerness to learn from college professors. Likewise, it's a big leap to claim that you had conquered a language in three months. You may want to tone some of those claims down. It's impressive enough to write that you are studying and learning so many different languages by yourself until you get to college.</p>

<p>The grammar and sentence structure should definitely be cleaned up, especially for a student interested in language. You might choose to point out that you are able to learn conversational languages easily but are looking forward to learning the mechanics underlying each language in your advanced studies in college. Good luck!</p>

<p>Also, your conclusion ("I believe that my determination to pursue my goals will benefit the University of Florida greatly since I love to help people in whatever ways I can and I like to help out the community as well as fellow classmates") is a bit weak, it doesn't really follow from the rest of the essay. You have not said anything that would make the reader think this and it ends up sounding like a cliche "why UF?" statement. </p>

<p>How do you plan to help classmates or the community? If you are going to make a statement on how you will benefit the college you should include a specific example - back it up! Eg, are you thinking about tutoring classmates or doing volunteer work in the community that would use your language abilities?</p>