Essay (EDITED VERSION)

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1

<p>I posted an earlier first draft i wrote in 25 mins before on this website, this is the edited version. Could you guys grade and comment on it? Especially the conclusion, i know its weak, could you give me ideas on how i could finish it off?
PROMPT: Is the World Changing For the Better?
ESSAY:
Since the rise of humanist principles, there has been additional tension between religious extremists and moderates. These two groups hold different schools of thought on a plethora of subjects; one of which is the changing world. A high percentage of religious fanatics do not favor the path the world has chosen; on the other hand, a great deal of secularists feels that the world is changing for the better. </p>

<p>A large number of religious extremists do not favor the changes that have occurred. Recently, TIME reported that an abortion pill was approved by the Italian government to be sold in Rome. This has distressed many Christians not only has abortion become a spreading trend, but it has spread to the center of Catholicism, Rome. Many Islamic extremists are also not happy with the changing world. Since the 1500s the world has globalized at an intense pace. Today, the world is still becoming more and more interconnected. After the Islamic terrorist attack of 9/11, analysts tried to fathom the meaning of the attack. A widely supported reasoning was that since the terrorists targeted the World Trade Center, a symbol and setting for global interconnectedness, the attack was a protest against globalization. </p>

<p>Differently, many secularists view the changing world in a positive light. Many different problems of the past are actively being solved. One of these problems is global warming. New cars like the Toyota Prius and the Chevy Volt are revolutionizing the road experience. Electric cars such as these held reduce emissions and prevent holes in the atmosphere. Another one of these problems is violence. An abundance of new organizations and coalitions have prevented human manslaughter over the years and they have continued success. KISS has prevented blood diamond flow in Africa causing rebel groups to lose their weapons funding. The UN has helped settle misunderstandings between nations. More and more are disputes settled peacefully. </p>

<p>Lots of people who place a heavy emphasis on religion in their lives do not support many of the changing occurring in the world while a high number people who don’t feel that the world is changing for the better. Both of these groups are correct, the world is getting better and worse. It depends on how you view the situation and what aspects of life you stress. People need to become more flexible and realize that there’s logical reasoning behind everyone’s actions.</p>

2

<p>There’s no solid introduction.</p>

<p>Try to avoid the passive voice when you can.
In this case: “Time reported that an abortion pill was approved by the Italian government…” should become “Time reported that the Italian government approved an abortion pill…”
It’s shorter and much better.</p>

<p>“This has distressed Christians -because- not only…”</p>

<p>I recommend that you use a transition between your points on Christian extremists and Islamic extremists. </p>

<p>“Differently” is a poor transition. You shouldn’t use adverbial forms of words as transitions (“Firstly,” “lastly,” etc.); you should use something like “however,” “on the contrary,” etc.</p>

<p>Once again, avoid the passive voice (“…are actively being solved.”)</p>

<p>I think you mean “help” instead of “held” in your third paragraph.</p>

<p>I think that you should make your last four sentences in your third paragraph one sentence.</p>

<p>“Lots of” in your conclusion is too colloquial. Use “a lot” instead.</p>

<p>You probably mean “changes” instead of “changing” in the first sentence of your conclusion.</p>

<p>Overall, your essay is pretty good. Since most of the errors that I’ve listed are grammatical and very minor, I’d give you a 9-10 or maybe 11.</p>