Essay for early action!

<p>Hey guys. I applied for UChicago economics for Early action. I'm so nervous to find out if I'm going to get in or not. I have a 3.1 GPA with a 26 act! So VERY hopeful. On the other hand, I have excellent and impacting extra-curriculars. I was wondering if you guys could tell me what you think of my essay. I chose topic 5 topic of my choice! Here you go, please let me know what you think.</p>

<p>Essay Option 5: The Power of Thinking Differently</p>

<p>It was just a regular day in the jungle. Zeus got up to what seemed to be another orderly day for him and his chimp community. Zeus himself isn’t like any other chimp. The other chimps get up in the morning, eat bananas, and look for more bananas to eat. Wake up, bananas, repeat. Wake up, bananas, repeat. Zeus saw it as a rather rudimentary lifestyle. None of the other chimps dared to question what’s outside of the jungle, and if one did, they were labeled a fool. Zeus is different. He’s always wanted to go out and find better food for his fellow chimps but how could he have the support when he’s so different from everyone else?
One morning, Zeus woke up to some wild commotion near the banana trees. When he approached, he noticed that the chimps’ months’ worth of bananas had disappeared—as if into thin air. What was everyone going to do now without bananas?
The jungle went berserk. “Where did the bananas go?” the chimps squealed at one another. The solution for most chimps (all except Zeus) was to go find more bananas in the jungle. But Zeus saw this situation as an opportunity to fulfill his curiosity. He had an idea. He was going to leave the jungle and bring back better food for the troop. Then Zeus proclaimed, “I want to show everyone wrong! I’m going to go to the city and get food.” There was only one thing stopping him: getting passed the human security guard to the city. It was a feat no chimp had ever attempted.
When Zeus shared his vision with some of the leader chimps, they laughed. They told him he was a chump for trying to leave the jungle. “Chimps are nothing in the city. You think you have a chance of bringing more food? That’s the most foolish thing I’ve ever heard!” Zeus didn’t listen to any of the other chimps. He was determined to fulfill his vision.
Zeus had the answer to his plan, he needed to learn how to speak human. Zeus has a strong feeling that if he can talk to the guard of the city and explain the situation, he could make his way past. But there was one problem: Zeus had no idea how he was going to learn this so-called “English.”
The next day, he heard a couple of his friends talking about a senseless old chimp named Helena. Apparently she had been trying to find better food her whole life and knew how to speak human. “Eureka!” Zeus thought, and we immediately went in search of the “silly” Helena. After hours of searching, he spotted her atop one of the tallest trees in the jungle. Zeus stated his case and Helena became emotional. She was so pleased to find that Zeus shared the same aspirations as she did, so Zeus asked her to join him on the journey. Helena rejected saying, “Zeus, I’m too old. I’ll teach you everything I know so you can make my dream come true as well as yours.” Zeus asked her to teach him the human language, and they started lessons right away.
After several weeks, the community was starving. They’d been eating grass to survive, and it wasn’t nearly as sweet or nourishing as their beloved bananas. Helena finished teaching Zeus enough English to get by in the big city. After many hours of roleplaying—Helena pretending to be the guard—Zeus felt confident enough to take his newfound knowledge to the city in search of food. Helena was watching Zeus from a distance as he approached the guard. She saw them communicating and after a minute, the guard let Zeus through the gate. He made it through!
Two days later, Zeus arrived back home. As he witnessed his community on the verge of death, he excitedly shouted, “I brought some bananas, banana bread, and banana pudding!” The community was shocked. How could “foolish” Zeus have survived in the city? No chimp has ever even made it past the gate. When a young admirer asked Zeus how he did it, Zeus explained, “Every chimp thinks that they are just a chimp in the jungle, but the truth is, the jungle is in the chimps themselves. I believed I could do it. I let my inner adventurer out and proved that chimps can be more than just banana-craving machines. I had a dream and I made it happen. If nothing else, that ‘impossible’ isn’t impossible at all.”</p>

<p>Not to be a jerk but that GPA and ACT are most likely going to get you a rejection unless maybe you’re being recruited for sports + URM + First Gen + Legacy.</p>

<p>I don’t want to shoot you down because I’m kind of in the same boat as you, but your stats are really just not up to par. And to be honest that essay isn’t much better than any of the other UChicago supplement essays I’ve had that pleasure of reading.</p>

<p>I’m really sorry dude, but I think you’ll probably be facing a rejection/deferral. Unless of course you fit one of the things William outlined above me.</p>

<p>Just some general comments-</p>

<ul>
<li>The most profound problem I see with this essay is the lack of relevance. Your choice of narration and the setting is unique, but how does it relate to you?</li>
<li>Lack of substance. The story is…interesting…but it truly doesn’t argue a premise, idea, or claim you make. I’m not arguing that this essay should be rhetorical- it shouldn’t. But I think your one concluding point, which I think is “our biggest challenges found in life are those within us” is weak, and not impactful with the story.
-As far as grammatical skills are concerned, you have several problems. You have verb confusion and some narration conflict. I would maybe change that if you can.</li>
</ul>

<p>Unique story, but it sounds exactly what I think you intended to avoid- a unique narration that sets you apart from the rest, but does exactly the opposite.</p>

<p>I have to agree with jt… Maybe I’m missing the point but your essay seems random and doesn’t reveal anything about you. I read some of the essays from last year and they literally had me in tears, AND the students had reasonable stats. I don’t get any emotion from Zeus’s plight, it’s just sort of trite. Your SAT/GPA are so far below the 25% for UChicago that you aren’t a competitive applicant. Sorry.</p>

<p>Edit: What question are you posing for your prompt?</p>

<p>“Essay Option 5: In the spirit of adventurous inquiry, pose a question of your own. If your prompt is original and thoughtful, then you should have little trouble writing a great essay. Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk, and have fun.”</p>

<p>Hey guys. Thanks for all your feed back it is appreciated! I know I have a low test scores and gpa for UChicago. You really do have to read my whole application to see my essay’s relevance to me. In my common app essay I wrote of how I am an odd community member, but have really made a difference. In terms of my EC’s I have started a non-profit organization to deal with poverty in my community (Denver). It really has made a difference. I have held a leadership position in the Obama Campaign. I have also held two financial internships. One was at a financial advising firm, and the other at an investment strategies company. I come from a middle class family that has been hit tremendously by the economic crisis. I explain that in my other essay and how I want to strengthen the economic proprieties of the world as a future goal. After all, that’s why I did start the Non-Profit, to help those less fortunate. I also explained how I am helping my Aunt gain an elementary education by tutoring her. I come from a diverse economic background as both of my parents are retired.</p>

<p>I don’t want to get you down or anything here, but unless you had an explosive upward trend and go to a phenomenal HS, you don’t seem academically competitive, even if you were a URM/1st Gen/Legacy. Even if your ECs are phenomenal, you need to be academically competitive to stand a reasonable chance.</p>

<p>As for the essay, most of what I want to say has already been said by others. A UChicago extended essay doesn’t have to explicitly talk about you or your character, but I can’t glean much about how you think or who you are from this one. Zeus’s lesson and plight are cliched, and the prose is too explicit. The key to good creative writing is to show, not tell.</p>

<p>I guess it just really depends on what the leadership position in the Obama campaign was. If it’s the position I’m thinking of, you will probably get in despite your stats. You already have a Harvard Law degree though so what’s the point? And don’t you already have plans for the next four years?</p>

<p>I disagree with some of the other people on this thread. UChicago tends to be one of the few schools that looks past GPA and SAT in forming a class. When I was applying to college a few years ago, I had a 2400/4.0 + RSI/Siemens Semifinalist/AIME Qualifier and I was deferred from UChicago EA (eventually rejected). OP, don’t be surprised to see an acceptance on Dec. 19. </p>

<p>That having been said, I don’t particularly like your “Uncommon” essay. Honestly, the language is very trite and the story you tell isn’t very creative or insightful. UChicago’s essay doesn’t have to relate to you, but it should be thoughtful and unique. The stats are a problem, but only a minor hurdle in UChicago’s case.</p>

<p>maverick99, there’s a difference between “goes beyond” and “barely takes into account”. Even with a holistic approach, your HS record is the most important part of the application.</p>

<p>Yeah maverick that’s completely false. Look at their average SAT scores. The absolute minimum they accepted last year was a 24, and you can bet that kid had something crazy unique to make up for it, PLUS probably a top notch GPA and all around application.</p>

<p>if you don’t get in ea, I advise you to attempt to redraft your essay for the regular application, but you are in danger of being rejected considering that GPA and test scores. You will most likely either see a rejection or acceptance from them, I think that it’s unlikely that you’ll be defferred to regular admission. My best advice to you is to not reuse that essay for any other colleges. Now, it’s not as though you’re absolutely guarunteed a rejection, and it’s not as though your essay is horrible, I just think it could be better. Looking at your ecs though, you still have a chance.</p>

<p>I purposely read the essay before any user feedback as to not contaminate my approach or develop a bias. However, I agree with the majority. The essay is largely incoherent simply because the central theme is not conveyed strongly. It took time and very week connections before I realized what you’re trying to say. Admissions officers only like that if the central theme is brilliantly expressed. Unfortunately, this essay shows no sign of the latter. I’m honestly just trying to help so please don’t take my comments in the right way. EC’s can help a lot and yours are certainly incredible but just realize that there are individuals out there who do just as much and maintain a 36/4.0. UCHicago is unique because it does not quantify an admissions decision to a relative grade or test score. However, there certainly is a limit to that statement. Brilliance can be expressed in a myriad of ways, however, this essay is just too elementary and quite honestly, some of the vocabulary seems a little thesaurus.com-ish. The most powerful way to express yourself is simplistically. Good luck! Really hope you get in!</p>

<p>Thanks for all the advice guys! I hope I get in! Uchicago is the best in what I want to pursue! Econ of course.</p>

<p>I also applied EA. I would like some feedback on my essay - would anybody here be willing to read mine? My stat’s aren’t all that great either ( 3.7 GPA, 770 math, 670 cr), but I’ve been praying that my essay might make up for that…</p>

<p>I had some of my friends and a UChicago class of 2016 acquaintance read/edit, and they all said it was really good. However, I have some doubts, and I’m afraid some of them might have sugar coated it a bit.</p>

<p>@snowchicago PM me! More then happy to read it! Even though I’m a student, I’m also a sat/act tutor and help with college counseling.</p>