Essay: Good? Bad? Boring? Unoriginal?

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>I'm not and admissions officer, and I'm somewhat of a novice at the whole college application essay thing, but I thought it was great. very articulate and clearly expressed without sounding whiny, which is so easy to do when writing something like that. </p>

<p>I'd recommend not posting your essays online anymore though. i don't know of anyone with the balls to actually steal it and try to pass it as their own, but you never know...</p>

<p>I think one problem is that it criticizes without presenting a second side or a solution to the issue. That's one of the cardinal rules of writing any kind of paper or essay--argue your point but also present something new. And yes, while it doesn't sound like a complaint, that "complaining" without balancing it out with either a positive or some hope of change does come off as a little negative, to me anyway, but more accurately, feels incomplete.</p>

<p>Also, while you do a nice job of presenting your views on the meaning of pluralism and the role of Asian culture in American society, there is really no evidence that the essay connects to you personally except that you explain you are Asian. I hope that doesn't come off as sounding harsh--perhaps what I mean to say is, <em>I</em>, as someone of white/Eastern European descent, could have written this essay with essentially the same point of view as it already has, because it is more of a social commentary than a snapshot of YOU. The one time you almost connect your own life story to what you mean (the Jackie Chan sentence), you go on to state that it wasn't offensive to you and then go back to the less personal style of commentary. What I would suggest, if you choose to keep this theme the same, is that you find a particular instance, example or story to connect the jargon to, or example that allows your personality and the way this issue has shaped you, to shine through in this essay.</p>

<p>As for what I think of posting essays in general, I don't know...something about it feels amiss to me, though I can't put my finger on how. That said, I am addicted to editing, so if you put a piece of writing in front of me, I'll happily offer feedback anyway. :)</p>

<p>hmm sounds like a nice essay
i need you need to be more personal with it though
put more of your own experiences into it</p>

<p>actually i read an essay really similar to this. It was written by a journalist and it was quite good. Although, I feel like i've heard this prompt many times elsewhere too...just sort of reworded. </p>

<p>i also think there actually are alot of prominent Asian Americans (completely subjective so dont worry), but I think your essay was very well-written.</p>

<p>It is well-written, and it would be great as a REGULAR essay (like an essay for a class). However, as a COLLEGE essay, I don't think it works as well as it should. When writing a college essay, YOU want to come across as a person. You want an admissions counselor to detect a unique and intruiging person behind the writing. So, as other posters have suggested, you should try making it a more personal essay. This could actually be accomplished somewhat easily (adding some sentences that directly discuss your experiences, and you do some of this but you need more).</p>

<p>The idea is okay but it could be polished a little bit. There is more, but for example, I'll take a look at once sentence:
"In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation."</p>

<p>--I'm not sure about the "information proliferation" pharase. Why not just, "mass-media age," "information proliferation" sounds strange, is ambigious, and looks like a desperate attempt to use a $5 word.</p>

<p>--"the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions)." Instead of first claiming that there is an absense and then having to put in parenthesis "with a few exceptions" why not just say, "The few Asian American etc.." This flows better and uses less words. </p>

<p>--"has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation." Upon re-reading this I'm sure you see how strangly it reads. I think I get the general idea, but it could be written a lot more clearly. The void thing is unclear. I wouldn't use the word "emulate," it sounds like you are encouraging a kind of conformity with the word. Just keep it to "inspiration." I would re-write the entire phrase like this:</p>

<p>The few Asian American actors, writers and politicians has left Asain American teenagers with no role-models to look up to for inspiration.</p>

<p>That's just a suggestion, you really shouldn't run with that. But the general idea is to polish the essay and get rid of unessessary words and the introduction of strange symbols like the "void" and things like this that make the essay bumpy instead of smooth. Also, think carefully about your arguments, for example; can't Asain American children look up to people who aren't of their race?</p>

<p>bjrwrh-> agreed.</p>

<p>And simplify your language so it doesn't seem as sterile and your words so distant/removed. Don't be ashamed to use "easy" vocabulary, even the vernacular. Bigger words aren't always stronger.</p>

<p>"It is widely acknowledged that..." Don't start your essay in passive voice. In fact, just try to avoid it in most cases unless you want a newspaper report.</p>

<p>essays in general should not be posted, others can copy your ideas</p>

<p>No one would be crazy enough to copy this.</p>

<p>It's tired, boring, and unoriginal. The typical asian kid trying to overcome how all of his white peers think he looks like every other asian. No one wants to read about that, and your diction is no less than a robot's.</p>

<p>I read the first sentance and felt like I was going to die. Pluralism? Oy vey!!! It's like a school report. Please, make it stop.</p>

<p>I can't see your personality come through in this essay. To be honest, all I saw was that you did some research and used a thesaurus.</p>

<p>It makes a good class essay, but for a college essay, make it more personal.</p>

<p>also, the main thing colleges want to know is why are YOU DIFFERENT from everyone else. So yes, people are right, it needs to be more about you, not asian americans as a whole, but also, I feel like this wouldnt be a "special" essay even if it was just about you. Social constructs apply to everyone. Black kids are told they have to rap or play basketball to succeed, asian kids are expected to play video games all day, etc. I obviously have no real authority, but I believe that most admissions reps will start to read this and think "ahh crap, another one of these racial issues essays." Unless you can write about some personal experience that from which you had some sort of different reaction to than most people, say, you started an Asian Cultural Club, which flourished at your school, and now they hold events in honor of educating the student body on asian culture. THAT would be a good essay.</p>

<p>My personal opinion is that unless you have a great phoenix rising out of the ashes story, you should avoid racial stereotype essays.</p>