Essay: Good? Bad? Unoriginal?

<p>Hey, I just wrote my first draft of my Common App essay from the Cornell application. I wrote it on the local, national, or international issue of significance to myself. I hope you guys can take a look at it and tell me what you think. Do you like the idea? Is it too negative? How was my coherence and organization? What areas should I improve on? </p>

<p>here it is: (563 words)
It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend. However, what I view on television, see in movies, read in books, and find at the ballots is an alternate society – a society that does not reflect its inherently pluralistic nature. Therefore, as an Asian American, a member of one of the largest minority groups in America, I am concerned by today’s lack of Asian American representatives in all facets of the public arena. I view this issue as inextricably linked to the larger concern of an inaccurate American self-image, while at the same time distinctly important to my personal life and own identity.
In an age of information proliferation, the absence of prominent Asian American authors, actors, politicians (with a few exceptions) has created a void in which it has been hard for Asian American teenagers to look for inspiration and emulation. Moreover, the lack of such figures, primarily artists and creators, has resulted in the lack of fictional characters to represent the multifaceted, truthful identity of Asian Americans for teenagers like myself to relate to and identify with when watching TV, listening to music, and reading books. For, growing up in such a society has resulted in the constant observation of figures, images and icons that misrepresent Asian Americans. It has meant the negative, one-dimensional stereotypes that I have had to digest in my daily consumption of mass media – the socially inept Asian male nerds, the take-out delivery boys, the martial arts virtuosos. It has meant my constant questioning, out of frustration when I peer into the world of arts and literature, where the Holden Caulfield’s were in Asian Americana. I ask why is it that I do not find in media and in books the characters of my own ethnicity enduring the quintessentially human issues of adolescence – angst, depression, lust, pressure, love, loss, adaptation, among others. And while I can get on perfectly fine without such characters, it is hard not to feel a bit trapped in the confines of incorrect stereotypes and one-dimensional images in the absence of truthful and humanly representations.
More importantly, the lack of public figures has resulted in the translation of incorrect stereotypes into the public consciousness and perception. There seems to be in America a falling out between Asian Americans and the rest of society on what is the truthful Asian American image. I cannot pretend I ignore the various times I have heard in my own school halls of people calling me “Jackie Chan” or making some humorous gestures of Kung-Fu. While what goes on everyday is not blatantly offensive, it is still a sadly annoying implication of the lack of understanding that exists. At the same time, we can frame this issue in a different light. I have come to the conclusion that without public figures Asian Americans fail to give themselves a voice in the mosaic of American society and to express themselves in the public consciousness. It is a problem that must be tackled with greater participation by Asian Americans in all areas of public influence; areas such as politics, the arts, and media. For, when one of America’s own ethnic groups lacks a clear, articulate voice, then the American identity itself is not being truthfully and wholly expressed. The pluralistic nature of such an American society is therefore not being clearly reflected.</p>

<p>I strongly suggest that you make this essay more personal. Tell them about you! This sounds like an essay written for a history or English class rather than a personal essay. Somewhat pedestrian.</p>

<p>If I were an adcom, here are the things that I would notice and comment on:</p>

<ol>
<li>It's very formalistic. The formal tone of the essay clouds the speaker's voice. I noticed this in the first sentence of your essay, so that's not exactly good.</li>
<li>The formal tone of the essay results in florid diction. There are lots of words you could take out, which could also help you in putting you under the limit.</li>
<li>The formal tone makes the essay sound boring.</li>
<li>The complex structure doesn't help to make it interesting or clear either.</li>
<li>Considering adcoms likely won't spend more than five or ten minutes reading an essay, I didn't really understand what you wanted to talk about. It seems like you're lamenting the lack of Asian American role models.</li>
<li>I have to say this again, but the message is very cloudy.</li>
</ol>

<p>I have to agree the essay seems rather negative. Additionally, I don't see what you're doing to try to change the situation. I mean, you could write an essay about how you're disturbed by the environmental degradation prevalent in contemporary America (which could be translated as "Evil corporations are destroying America's natural heritage," which in my opinion would sound more interesting), but it wouldn't really impress the adcoms unless (1) you are a very, very good writer who can effectively convey the pathos of the situation (2) you've raised $10,000 for the purpose of preservation, tied yourself to a tree, etc.</p>

<p>make it less formal and about you.</p>

<p>you need to just hide the race thing. look toward a white politician, not an asian. dude, it doesn't matter lol... it seems you guys are always bringing up race. it just doesn't matter.</p>

<p>there were a few words that sounded awkward, but i would just sack it right now.</p>

<p>if you're gonna b!tch about the US, why not look at China and Japan. i mean, they have no immigrants. oh, but, no one wants to go there I guess. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>This is bad. You need to make it WAY more personal and friendly. This is too formal. And don't use your race. Use something that is SPECIFIC TO YOUR OWN SELF. </p>

<p>Its too ... too... Use more words that you would actually use in real life.</p>

<p>Basically the main topic of your essay is "Asians are misrepresented" (right?) and that is NOT THE POINT of these college essays. The topic of your essay needs to be YOU.</p>

<p>I accept the criticisms (actually, I'm more thankful you guys were so honest), and will definitely make it more personal. I'll also clarify about the race thing - it's not that I NEED a white politician to look up to, but rather that my cultural identity, at least the asian part, would be so much richer if the figures that surrounded me were of my ethnic background and the characters I see in the media weren't all stupid one-diomensional stereotypes. However, I had to respond to this comment:</p>

<p>"if you're gonna b!tch about the US, why not look at China and Japan. i mean, they have no immigrants. oh, but, no one wants to go there I guess. "</p>

<p>I mean, this is just kind of irrelevent. Why should I complain about China or Japan? I'm applying to AMERICAN colleges and living in AMERICA as an asian AMERICAN! It's as ridiculous as asking the question "why should you write about the US?" Why shouldn't I write about the US?</p>

<p>i don't mean to hijack your thread, Doctorx88, but i have some yale essay questions that might apply to people reading this:</p>

<p>1) I know last year, yale required two essays...common app and an expansion on the short answer question regarding "most meaningful activity." is this second essay required any more? I can't find it anywhere in the application</p>

<p>2) Would you people recommend for or against submitting a quality supplemental essay?</p>

<p>Doctorx, it sounded like you were complaining about the US.</p>

<p>Talk about something that you have passion for.</p>

<p>Doctorx - I agree with all the people that said to make it more personal and to make the language less formal. You're prolly used to writing analytical papers, but college essays are a different animal. It's really hard to talk about yourself - I had the same problem bc im also used to writing analytically. I recommend maybe changing this topic completely, but if you still want to talk about the topic, relate it to yourself. For instance, start with an example of how you were discriminated through these one-dimensional stereotypes and how it affected you, and then how that got you thinking about the issue. But then, if you haven't done anything to change the issue or learned something from it (i.e. not to stereotype), it probably will have little point. As for what a <em>certain</em> poster said about your essay/posts, ignore him/her - they are just an example of ignorance and/or misdirected patriotism.</p>

<p>Not trying to be rude, but this is where I stopped reading:</p>

<p>"It is a widely acknowledged fact in today’s American society that pluralism is the dominant demographic trend."</p>

<p>You sound constipated.</p>

<p>i got what you were trying to get accross(maybe because i am asian and can relate so who knows about the adcom) but I don't hear YOUR voice, I just read a bunch of large vocabulary that carried little essence.</p>

<p>I lost interest after the first few sentences, but a few great tips:</p>

<p>Buy (or check out from the library) On Writing the College Essay, by Harry Bauld. I did, and it worked for me. </p>

<p>You definitely want to make the topic something that only YOU could write, not something only an Asian American could write. That might mean staying away from the "issue of significance" topic.</p>

<p>Kudos for starting your essay this early! It'll save you a lotta stress 1st semester.</p>