Essay Grade needed....

[mpmaclennan]

<p>I've been looking for places to put my essay so that others can score it, and really haven't found one until now. All my essays are from a practice book, so they're not the one from the actual tests in circulation right now. I didn't edit it at all, because I wrote the essay previously in a practice test and I'm just typing it as is. Thanks to anyone who posts something helpful on this!</p>

<p>Prompt: (and i'm pretty sure somebody might have posted one like this before, but obviously our essays are different.)
~~~ What motivates people to change?</p>

<p>My Essay:</p>

<pre><code> The only thing in my opinion that motivates people to change is their own inspiration from within. My family and friends can tell me day after day to do something, but only I can make myself do someting. The same goes for schoolwork. People like to say others force them to change, but that's a choice they make to blame others.

For any person my age, chores and housework are totally "not worth our time." Our parents try to make us change our habits by punishing us. We don't think that it's actually helping us by teaching better decision methods. We just think they're "being mean." They, on the other hand, know it's all going to help in the end, which it does.

In our scholastic efforts, homework is a word oftenly seen as bad. Again, we students believe that the teachers are "torturing" us and we have no need for this, but eventually the time comes for us to see that homework not only teaches us our classwork, but teaches us to do what's right for ourselves. We learn to get a sense of accomplishment inward rather than outward. This "torture" ends up being one of the best lessons inour lifetimes: choosing to do the right thing.

By learning that what we do doesn't always ahve a reward we can palpably use, we see that our choices make ourselves better. It doesn't always matter for some choice to show for others, but that choice makes our lives better each and every time we make one.
</code></pre>

[THaque]

<p>Personally, I would give this essay a 2 (out of 6).</p>

<p>The writing style seems rather simple and sentence structures come off repetitive, but I’m sure this can be improved tremendously by simply changing your voice. The majority of your essay is in first person, which naturally brings bias to the essay. I feel first person is suitable only if you use it consistently throughout the writing, but you slowly change from first person to third person as the essay continues. This is definitely an area to work on.</p>

<p>I thought the idea behind the thesis was solid, but it had issues with wording. The examples were rather elementary and did not require much critical thinking. Basically, all you said was parents make us do chores and teachers make us do homework, both motivating change for the greater good. </p>

<p>A great example for this would have been about the current political mood of “Change” and Obama. </p>

<p>The only answer you gave to “What motivates people to change” is influential people (such as family, friends). Technically, this is only one example, even though you used two paragraphs to elaborate. Also, the conclusion does not really relate to the question and is kind of irrelevant. </p>

<p>I know this was critical, but I’m sure you can get a much better essay with some practice! I know the time constraint is pressuring, but after you learn how to write it, its much easier than you think.</p>